has anyone's mm ever became impotent with their BW?

[Redheaded Mistress]

red headed mistress

ive enjoyed reading your responses not just on this thread but on others too,but your relationship with your mm is very rare,i believe you are now married?please correct me if im wrong.

 

Thank you.

 

Yes, we are married.

 

so it was a big surprise when I found out he had cheated,and even bigger slap in the face when I spoke to the xow,and she had told me all of this im sure it was a big slap to her too,he future faked a lot too,i know not all affairs are alike,but I don't want to give the op a false sense of security that they all endgood,when I reality only a handful do

 

No, not even most of them end well. Even in my situation, like I told her, a lot of what he said is the same as what she's hearing from her man now, but it wasn't that easy.

 

Like I said, it's just interesting to me that when stories like this come up, it seems the default is always that he's lying and it's impossible to believe what he's saying is happening could really be the way of it.

[sunburned]

We don't want to deal with fallout of everything we are going to go thru, but its getting harder , we both want to be together. He always says he will never lose me again and if he gets caught, he will be with me. I tell him thats easy to say now, but hes been adamant about that. He's even had me show up at weekend getaway with wife. We'd sneak away. He says he knows he'll be caught eventually. I tell him that is the worst way. Everyone will hate us. He says time will heal all wounds. I could use advice, Idont wwant to hurt my husband and kids nor his wife, just love him so much.

 

He squirreled you away into a neighboring hotel while he want on vacation with his W?? And you left you husband and kids to take part in this deception? Even within the confines of an affair, this is low. But it is not only disrespectful to his W, it's disrespectful to you.. I had an A, so I can't judge anyone else for being in one. But that is a new level of wretched behavior.

 

I'm also bothered by him saying he'll come to you if he gets caught. (He's adamant about that?? Please.) Well, how about giving himself a more honorable discharge before that? Why don't you be brave together and leave before you are caught? What happens if one of you gets caught, but not the other? What if your H finds out and gives you the boot? Will he leave then or will he leave only if caught? If that's the case, tell his wife and see how fast he leaves.

 

He's right about one thing. Time does heal all wounds. Walk away from this now and time will heal the pain you'll feel for a few months.

[scatterd]

When a man cheats how can you can assume what he is saying is true. If he lies to his wife that means he is capable of lying. After time goes by sex is not as exciting as it was in the beginning, that is with anyone you are with. Which means that you could be in the same situation as the wife. The difference is she thought he was loyal. I do not understand why a person can not find someone who is not already taken. Do you not deserve a full time man. Many people get

hurt in affairs I see it here everyday.You compare your sex as being better then the wife's, have you thought its because it forbidden sex.I bet their sex was just as good in the beginning too. Think about this how will everybody feel if you get caught? Read here it does not usually turn out good the percentage is low on affairs working out. I am not trying to be rude. I just want to open your eyes on how easy it is to be lied to and get caught up in a painful relationship.

Becareful.big hugs

[Redheaded Mistress]

Redheaded Mistress, I don't understand your certainty with respect to your husband's honesty with you. Making the bold and exact statement that he has only lied to you two times ever comes across as very naive. It may be accurate to say that you have only caught him twice, or he has admitted to only two lies. You actually sound a lot like the BS's who at first declare "I know for a fact my spouse is not having an affair" and then find out a week later that their spouse has been having an affair.

 

You can think it naive, but the fact is that he has only lied to me two times. As I've said before, despite the affair, my husband and I are actually really honest people. We just don't lie in general, and we certainly don't lie to each other. We've worked hard to prove this to each other and neither one of us has done anything to undermine this. As a result, we have absolute faith in each other's integrity. Good, bad, or other... We're going to be telling, and hearing, the truth from each other. And we've never heard anything but the truth from each other.

 

As for having an affair? Never. Not either one of us, if anything for the simple fact that having had one before, we know how miserable it is and have no desire to live that ever again. On a grander (but more intangible) sense, we worked so hard and gave up so much to be where we are. You'll never meet two people more fierce in protecting what makes us "us" than us.

 

And to be clear, I'm talking about LIES, not little fibbing. He's going to the bathroom for "just a moment" to "read" and he'll be out in "30 seconds," I mean... At it's core, it's a lie I suppose, but that's not what I'm talking about.

 

Almost everyone who gets married thinks they are marrying their soulmate and best friend, and that they have a unique and special bond and that their spouse will never cheat on them. But then it happens.

 

Sure, it happens. I didn't plan on cheating, neither did he. I'll admit that. Did I think my first husband was my "soulmate" and "best friend?" No... Honestly, I didn't. And he didn't feel that way about his first wife either. But that said, we both thought we'd make a good stab at our marriages, and our wedding days, I'm sure we both thought it was forever. Was it a lie at the time? No. It was only a lie much later, but by the time both of us had gotten there, individually the writing on the wall was already there.

 

My husband now is my soul mate and best friend, for sure. The big difference though is that we didn't get that way and we don't stay that way through magic. We work our butts off to get that, keep that, and enjoy it. It's not effortless, it requires work, sacrifice, maybe even an occasional fight and some tears. But what brings us back to that place is that we work our butts off to get there. And I think both of us seeing that mutual investment just reinforces what I said... We just don't lie to each other.

 

Situational morality is not morality at all. You are either an honest person who doesn't lie, or a dishonest person who does. It's part of a person's character. Ask yourself why would your husband have lied so often to his ex? If it is because he didn't respect her, then that means your husband's moral code is dependant on whoever he is interacting with. What people don't seem to understand is that bad conduct (such as lying) reflects negatively on the person acting badly. Whether I'm speaking to a person I love or a person I hate, I choose not to lie to either because the lie is a reflection of my own character.

 

I don't think one act defines the whole of our lives. We're both honest people at our core, before, after, to a degree even during the affair. Yes, we told one, huge, big lie for a time. Does that throw away any sort of belief that you can be or are an honest person? I don't think so. It ignores that people can change, realize mistakes, work hard to avoid them, and fix their lives.

 

If we were to believe somebody who does something is dishonest one time makes them a dishonest person, regardless of what they do after that, then that means that people who make a bad choice can never return from that and are always "bad people." Or that, considering most everybody has told a lie, we're all moral-less, dishonest people. Just like I don't think a good person is just automatically always a good person, I don't think a good person doesn't make a bad choice, or that even a bad person (which my husband isn't) will always be a bad person.

 

The world, even this forum, is filled with people who's moral codes depend on who they're interacting with. If they feel hurt, threatened, if there's a history of bad blood, bad behavior, or if there's some over driving force, that can dictate their behavior. It doesn't make them moral-less, it makes them human. Sure, we'd all like to live in a state of perfect forgiveness and compassion to others, but it isn't possible. And my husband's habitual lying to his now ex-wife was created from a variety of circumstances, some related to the affair, a lot of it not, and... Frankly... Frustration, desperation, and anger. He won't pretend that was a time where he was at his best, but neither will he (or I) assume that is a reflection of all he is.

 

If your husband lied to his ex because he was a coward (a very common reason for lying) that certainly doesn't insulate you from him lying to you if he fears telling you the truth.

 

I'm sure a lot of reasons he lied to her at various points was rooted in varying levels of cowardice. I can't speak for him, but if I asked, I'm sure he'd probably agree.

 

However, if that's the case, the big difference is he doesn't fear telling me the truth. There's nothing inconvenient about being honest to me and I've done nothing to have broken his trust to cause him to have to be afraid of being honest with me. Because we have built a level of trust and demand transparency with each other, we don't inherently have anything to lose being honest, whereas if we're not truthful, we both know we have everything to lose.

 

I'm not sure his marriage before could have ever have said that.

 

Again, without seeing us and knowing our dynamic, it's easy to say we're naive, but as the one who is currently living the convictions of our words, I can say with 100% certainty that my husband has only ever told me two lies. That's it.

[ComingInHot]

My almost not H anymore* NEVER had a problem getting the soldier 'up', one, two times a day. Part of me being willing to try and R was because he couldn't get it up tthe second time for her (her words not the H's. Man she was p*ssed).

 

Interesting though, I immediately became 'impotent' and unable to get turned one when I was told he cheated. Yick. For like an entire month!!

[blondie51]

I can tell you what I've read here from the men themselves. There were a few over the years who mentioned erectile issues with the wife and not the AP, and the consensus was that it reflects guilt.

 

 

If your guy feels guilty, and he'd never leave (waiting for her to find out and throw him out is childish and passive aggressive), you need to prepare for this A to not become a relationship. He doesn't have it in him, and I also advise you to not get too invested in his life cause it won't be your life for long. He's only cheating to rebel, and especially if he had a good marriage, once the a gets exposed, all it will happen would be for the trauma to reignite the spark to a stronger intensity...in the marriage.

 

You have very good insight, one thing that troubles me, why wait to get caught. And why rebelling? He once said he had a thought of kissing me in front of his wife, of course he said he would never do that but I never had a thought like that. I never discuss or bring up future he always does says he always thinks about it. Im always in it. What do you think?

[Sub]

You have very good insight, one thing that troubles me, why wait to get caught. And why rebelling? He once said he had a thought of kissing me in front of his wife, of course he said he would never do that but I never had a thought like that.

There's another poster on here whose (older)MM had the same sort of thoughts. They may be cut from the same cloth. The question always arises: you find a man who could imagine - or in the case of having you tag along on his weekend getaway with her, actually - doing this to someone desirable?

[Allumere]

I'm going back to the beginning here and focusing on you...

 

- You are having an affair.

- You are a cheater. Look at yourself in the mirror and say it out loud.

- I am actively participating in one of the most damaging and unloving things I could ever do to another person; to myself.

 

Look at yourself in the mirror and say all of the above out loud.

 

- Look long and hard at your husband. Now imagine the pain and anger in his face when he discovers you are having an affair...just think about it.

- Go back in time before this OP came back into your life. You get a phone call from a man who proceeds to tell you that your husband is having an affair with his wife. How would you have felt? Your whole world in the span of a 3 minute conversation just collapsed. That person who has been your best friend, seen you at your best and worst, held you when sad,scared and depressed, knows all your secrets, father of your children, in a matter of seconds becomes someone you don't even know.

 

I know this is harsh but this is reality and what you are doing to your husband, family, and yourself. Many folks on this site have walked the walk and most did not have fairy-tale endings. They endured and caused a lot of pain and carried tremendous guilt after the fog lifted.

 

The OP may be hoping to get caught but what is most likely to happen is that your husband finds out and while your world is destroyed the OP stays with his wife because that has always been the plan.

 

The solution is really simple and everything else is just an excuse. If you want each other then divorce current spouses and be together. As that is not the case, then you need to end things.

[Hope Shimmers]

I can say with 100% certainty that my husband has only ever told me two lies. That's it.

 

Okay, but how many lies is too many? Five? Eight? Or does it go into the double digits?

 

I think 2 substantial lies (actually, one substantial lie) would be enough for me to not have complete confidence that my partner was never going to lie to me again.

[blondie51]

He squirreled you away into a neighboring hotel while he want on vacation with his W?? And you left you husband and kids to take part in this deception? Even within the confines of an affair, this is low. But it is not only disrespectful to his W, it's disrespectful to you.. I had an A, so I can't judge anyone else for being in one. But that is a new level of wretched behavior.

 

I'm also bothered by him saying he'll come to you if he gets caught. (He's adamant about that?? Please.) Well, how about giving himself a more honorable discharge before that? Why don't you be brave together and leave before you are caught? What happens if one of you gets caught, but not the other? What if your H finds out and gives you the boot? Will he leave then or will he leave only if caught? If that's the case, tell his wife and see how fast he leaves.

 

He's right about one thing. Time does heal all wounds. Walk away from this now and time will heal the pain you'll feel for a few months.

 

Im bothered by him saying that too. He voluntarily said to me if I got caught, he would leave his wife to be with me, I dont know how I'll do it but I would, he said. I never asked, I never bring it up, he just brought it up.

[DKT3]

Im bothered by him saying that too. He voluntarily said to me if I got caught, he would leave his wife to be with me, I dont know how I'll do it but I would, he said. I never asked, I never bring it up, he just brought it up.

 

Doesn't sound like you believe him, is this the reason you won't let your husband go?

 

How would you feel if your husband was only with you because he can't be with the woman he really wants?

[Redheaded Mistress]

Okay, but how many lies is too many? Five? Eight? Or does it go into the double digits?

 

Depends on the lie. I never said there is a magic minimum or magic maximum. Only that we value trust and that he doesn't lie.

 

I think 2 substantial lies (actually, one substantial lie) would be enough for me to not have complete confidence that my partner was never going to lie to me again.

 

The nature of us, the lies, and how we worked past it, and life after them determined how we moved forward. Obviously, it was a non-fatal lie.

 

But since all it takes is one lie to undo everything, and we realize it, is one of the reasons I know that he doesn't lie to me and is 100% honest with me. And vice versa.

[Hope Shimmers]

Depends on the lie. I never said there is a magic minimum or magic maximum. Only that we value trust and that he doesn't lie.

 

Well, but he did - twice - right?

 

I'm not trying to bust your chops. Just was genuinely curious since that "two times" sort of stood out. But yes, I understand what you are saying in general.

[blondie51]

Doesn't sound like you believe him, is this the reason you won't let your husband go?

 

How would you feel if your husband was only with you because he can't be with the woman he really wants?

 

I ve been married close to 25 yrs. I.ve never cheated. I looked down on it. Saw what my mom went thru. Ive been thru hell and back dealing with husband with addiction. Functioning addict and everything else that comes aling with it. Lies, severe financial problems, no intimacy, sex occurs but not compatible. I stayed for children. I do love him, weve shared our life together. I cannot help him nor change him. My kids are just about grown. I hate that im doing this. I dont want to hurt my husband. He does not deserve it. He has a good heart and this would destroy him. Ive never felt such happiness as I have these past 6 months. I cannot stop seeing him. If my AP said im leaving my wife I want to be with you, I would probably leave, but hes not, he waiting for one of us to get caught. Which I hope never happens. For now im going to do what im doing istill need more time. Im in love

[Redheaded Mistress]

Well, but he did - twice - right?

 

Yup, twice. Given the circumstances that it happened in, I don't think it voids that he doesn't lie or values trust, especially as this was yeeeeears ago.

 

I'm not trying to bust your chops. Just was genuinely curious since that "two times" sort of stood out. But yes, I understand what you are saying in general.

 

Well, it stands out because it has only happened twice.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well, it stands out because it has only happened twice.

 

No, it stood out because twice seemed like a lot for major lies.

 

But yes, it does depend on the lie. It just seemed strange that you were saying that you are SURE he never lies since he has only lied about major things twice.

 

I was convinced my ex-MM never lied to me. Boy was I wrong. But hey, I am glad you are convinced - wish I was that loyal to someone but I will never be again.

[snappytomcat]

redheaded mistress

Im curious,how long have you been married to your xap?a good friend of mine has been married to her xap for 17 years,but she said he never future faked,he left his marriage,and she left hers,and its worked for them,but I believe that's the key is never future faked,he said he was getting out and so did she and they both did,and there exes are happily remarried to other people too,which is good,and all the kids are grown,and get along with both parents and step parents

sorry to thread jack

[DKT3]

I ve been married close to 25 yrs. I.ve never cheated. I looked down on it. Saw what my mom went thru. Ive been thru hell and back dealing with husband with addiction. Functioning addict and everything else that comes aling with it. Lies, severe financial problems, no intimacy, sex occurs but not compatible. I stayed for children. I do love him, weve shared our life together. I cannot help him nor change him. My kids are just about grown. I hate that im doing this. I dont want to hurt my husband. He does not deserve it. He has a good heart and this would destroy him. Ive never felt such happiness as I have these past 6 months. I cannot stop seeing him. If my AP said im leaving my wife I want to be with you, I would probably leave, but hes not, he waiting for one of us to get caught. Which I hope never happens. For now im going to do what im doing istill need more time. Im in love

 

Have you ever given much thought about it being the combination of both men that is making you happy? Kinda like a tripod, with all three legs its strong, remove one of the legs then it all falls.

 

What I don't get, with all these things you have negitive about your husband, what was there to make you feel you were happy before the affair?

 

Now what is the most likely outcome in your situation is, his wife finds out they circle the wagons to repair their marriage. As part of her process she contacts your husband and fills him in on the affair. MM throws you under the bus. How do you handle that?

 

Everyone deserves to be happy, hopefully we do it without hurting others. Honestly holding on to the marriage seems more of a comfort and fear situation then anything to do with love or compassion. Compassion would be letting go of your husband so that he also has the chance to find what you've found. This should not be depended upon what the MM does, with or without a chance to be with MM.

 

What if you hold status quo for 5 or 10 years, holding your husband hostage while you enjoy your MM. Is that fair?

[blondie51]

Have you ever given much thought about it being the combination of both men that is making you happy? Kinda like a tripod, with all three legs its strong, remove one of the legs then it all falls.

 

What I don't get, with all these things you have negitive about your husband, what was there to make you feel you were happy before the affair?

 

Now what is the most likely outcome in your situation is, his wife finds out they circle the wagons to repair their marriage. As part of her process she contacts your husband and fills him in on the affair. MM throws you under the bus. How do you handle that?

 

Everyone deserves to be happy, hopefully we do it without hurting others. Honestly holding on to the marriage seems more of a comfort and fear situation then anything to do with love or compassion. Compassion would be letting go of your husband so that he also has the chance to find what you've found. This should not be depended upon what the MM does, with or without a chance to be with MM.

 

 

Your response made me cry because its true, the reason I said I was happily married is because I accepted my situation, we dont argue and kids make me happy. They have been my life. Is it possible my mm is telling the truth, hes madly in love with me. I believe him. I need him right now. His wife has no idea. He says he loves his wife but his feelings have been changing. He said he thought he had a perfect marriage until I showed him what a loving relationship should be. Im very afraid of spouses finding out. My husband has been a little suspicious. I am fearful, fear is why im staying put.

y life.

[DKT3]

I ve been married close to 25 yrs. I.ve never cheated. I looked down on it. Saw what my mom went thru. Ive been thru hell and back dealing with husband with addiction. Functioning addict and everything else that comes aling with it. Lies, severe financial problems, no intimacy, sex occurs but not compatible. I stayed for children. I do love him, weve shared our life together. I cannot help him nor change him. My kids are just about grown. I hate that im doing this. I dont want to hurt my husband. He does not deserve it. He has a good heart and this would destroy him. Ive never felt such happiness as I have these past 6 months. I cannot stop seeing him. If my AP said im leaving my wife I want to be with you, I would probably leave, but hes not, he waiting for one of us to get caught. Which I hope never happens. For now im going to do what im doing istill need more time. Im in love

 

Have you ever given much thought about it being the combination of both men that is making you happy? Kinda like a tripod, with all three legs its strong, remove one of the legs then it all falls.

 

What I don't get, with all these things you have negitive about your husband, what was there to make you feel you were happy before the affair?

 

Now what is the most likely outcome in your situation is, his wife finds out they circle the wagons to repair their marriage. As part of her process she contacts your husband and fills him in on the affair. MM throws you under the bus. How do you handle that?

 

Everyone deserves to be happy, hopefully we do it without hurting others. Honestly holding on to the marriage seems more of a comfort and fear situation then anything to do with love or compassion. Compassion would be letting go of your husband so that he also has the chance to find what you've found. This should not be depended upon what the MM does, with or without a chance to be with MM.

 

 

Your response made me cry because its true, the reason I said I was happily married is because I accepted my situation, we dont argue and kids make me happy. They have been my life. Is it possible my mm is telling the truth, hes madly in love with me. I believe him. I need him right now. His wife has no idea. He says he loves his wife but his feelings have been changing. He said he thought he had a perfect marriage until I showed him what a loving relationship should be. Im very afraid of spouses finding out. My husband has been a little suspicious. I am fearful, fear is why im staying put.

y life.

 

Without fear there is no bravery.

 

Listen, my fear for you is that your seemingly buying everything MM is selling blindly. From what your writing I see manipulation. A guy telling a girl what she needs to hear to get what he wants. Now that doesn't always mean sex. I recall watching a show about high priced call girls and one of them talked about how about half of her clients never wanted sexual contact. Men really need only a few things to be happy, amoung the top is ego stroking. Feeling that they are needed and important. So often wives fail in this area as they turn their focus towards kids and other things the husband can feel less included, less needed and wanted. Here is where OW & MOW come into play. They tend to put their life on hold for the MM. This isn't love. Now I'm not saying how he feels, I don't know him. Just hoping to make you aware of the possiblities.

 

I think a wise move would to put your relationship with MM on hold and deal with your marriage one way or another. When and if you come together again it should be as two divorced or STBX's. If neither of you are willing to make that commitment then your just playing high school, sneaking around.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Screwed up, posted in the wrong thread. Sorry.

[blondie51]

 

Without fear there is no bravery.

 

Listen, my fear for you is that your seemingly buying everything MM is selling blindly. From what your writing I see manipulation. A guy telling a girl what she needs to hear to get what he wants. Now that doesn't always mean sex. I recall watching a show about high priced call girls and one of them talked about how about half of her clients never wanted sexual contact. Men really need only a few things to be happy, amoung the top is ego stroking. Feeling that they are needed and important. So often wives fail in this area as they turn their focus towards kids and other things the husband can feel less included, less needed and wanted. Here is where OW & MOW come into play. They tend to put their life on hold for the MM. This isn't love. Now I'm not saying how he feels, I don't know him. Just hoping to make you aware of the possiblities.

 

I think a wise move would to put your relationship with MM on hold and deal with your marriage one way or another. When and if you come together again it should be as two divorced or STBX's. If neither of you are willing to make that commitment then your just playing high school, sneaking around.

 

Thank you for taking the time to give me your advice, I appreciate it.

[truncated]

We are sharing everything, I dont ask, he volunteered it because it was troubling him and needed to talk about it. He always asks first if it bothers me to hear it and i say no . Part of me wants to know. But I notice as time goes on, its getting harder. Loved your railroad track analogy. He did say he never has that problem with me. We really dont discuss our sex lives with our spouses often.. It came up maybe 3 times in 6 months. I never ask. He is being sincere. He said he doesn't feel guilty at all. Couldnt sleep last night after reading your story. -thanks again

 

:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick:

There aren't enough nauseous icons to describe how disgustingt this is....and that you think this is something positive.

 

This man is sleeping with you behind his wife's back, putting both her physial and mental health at risk, as well as the well being of his children and he doesn't feel guilty at all.

 

Sounds like a real winner to me.

[Got it]

OP - listen I think you realize that without you making a decision, that is a decision. An affair is russian roulette. You may be able to sustain this for a long time but at some point the chances are good that someone will slip up.

 

And when you aren't the one being proactive, then decisions quickly become made for you. You don't get to block a divorce if you husband decides to have one, to continue the affair if your MP decides to end it, etc.

 

I understand the fear but waiting for life to happen to you is far worse. I am not saying you have to make and move on a decision today (that is actually a very dumb idea) but I highly suggest seeking/continuing to seek professional help both with therapy, talking to a divorce attorney, etc. You need to arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible so you fully understand the potential outcome and decide what you want to do. If you don't, someone will do it for you. I promise you.

[GypsumSatellite]

You have very good insight, one thing that troubles me, why wait to get caught. And why rebelling? He once said he had a thought of kissing me in front of his wife, of course he said he would never do that but I never had a thought like that. I never discuss or bring up future he always does says he always thinks about it. Im always in it. What do you think?

 

 

Some of the other things you've mentioned in your comments on the thread reminds me of the things my MM has said or done in our R. Let's just say the simple response I could give you is: Run. Please run. Please run far away from him.

 

He is attacking against his mommy, which is his W. He wants to throw it in her face that he can do as he wants, when he wants and he's not there for her pleasure any more. My MM worked his way up from just quick brushes with risk to calling me on his vacations, brushing his hand against mine at a function while his W was a few seats away, to talking about fantasies where he snuck me into their house while she slept so she could be made to watch... he's a wounded little boy who is rebelling and when he gets caught he'll only gaslight his W into believing he's done nothing wrong.

 

His impotence? He's punishing her. Denying her sex. Denying her intimacy. He's controlling that M. He's not letting the W have what she wants because maybe she's denied him affection for being a bad husband in the past or present.

 

I'm sure if you look a little deeper into conversations you've had with him or things that may have felt naughty at first but then made you uneasy... you'll see some of these things he's discusses with you aren't out of love - it's out of seeing what your boundaries are. What will drive you away, what you'll put up with.

 

I'm several years in with mine and I just... I see signs in your posts that allude to the same sort of toxic relationship mine began building with me. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. It tests your sanity and trust me when I say one day he will pull your strings just as he does his Ws and you won't see it coming.