jackslife Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Putting his private parts in your private parts isn't making his home any cleaner. This is very funny ^^^^^ 8 Link to post Share on other sites
martaldn Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 People come here because they need a place where they can vent and maybe some support/advices They don't come here to be jugeded, critized or brought down about the dicisions they are making in their life but recently these are almost the only things I read in the board ( sorry but I feel this way ) Don't u all think that she doesn't know that what she is doing is morally wrong ( being the partner in crime of a cheating ) that this guy is not right for her and that she is probably wasting her time loving him? But then isn't this the reason why we are all here! ? Because we felt in love with the wrong person and then we got hurt! So before to be so harsh, judgmental, critic or any other word we want to use try to put yourself into the person's shoes and try to understand that there are other ways to help people out still telling them the truth. ? Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 People come here because they need a place where they can vent and maybe some support/advices They don't come here to be jugeded, critized or brought down about the dicisions they are making in their life but recently these are almost the only things I read in the board ( sorry but I feel this way ) Don't u all think that she doesn't know that what she is doing is morally wrong ( being the partner in crime of a cheating ) that this guy is not right for her and that she is probably wasting her time loving him? But then isn't this the reason why we are all here! ? Because we felt in love with the wrong person and then we got hurt! So before to be so harsh, judgmental, critic or any other word we want to use try to put yourself into the person's shoes and try to understand that there are other ways to help people out still telling them the truth. ? I don't think she's had an unduly harsh response here. She has had a few things pointed out to her such as that the other man's story may be slightly less than 100% truthful and that telling OP details of his domestic arrangements is hugely disrespectful behaviour. Unfortunately she chooses to ignore this. Any of us that have been in an affair (and that includes me) will have some empathy with another in the same situation. That doesn't mean we must all encourage her to continue her affair though. The best responses on here though are from those that have been in a similar situation to her and are trying to warn her, fairly forcefully, of the dangers that lie ahead. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 So lets assume his wife is a lazy slob who does nothing around the house and is a terrible wife. Well there is something that makes him refuse to leave her for you so you are not the love of his life. You are his mistress,!which is OK as long as you accept it. In the meantime, you have probably made yourself totally unavailable to all eligible single men, and if you start to date someone you will then be cheating on them with your MM: Forget the morals of this. You should have more respect for yourself and tell him to either leave his wife if he loves you or stop being his booty call. He does not love you like you do him 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 OK, so this guy gets in a marriage he does not want, has additional children with a woman he does not love, can not figure out how to get his household under control and instead of doing work to make it better he takes on a mistress- spends time with you rather than getting his children out of a messy house or helping to clean it up and some how this is your true love? You may want to be a little more objective about his role in his own life and then decide if he is the person you want to be with for life- 4 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 He doesn't bad mouth her, he even still considers her a good mom otherwise, he just hates that she is messy and unappreciative. We have been involved for months, and he has slowly opened about these things over time, as he feels more comfortable to do so, I dont think it's a way to keep me around, it"s more like he just needs someone to vent to and knows he can with me. We are also great friends that listen to eachother when we have a bad day, and simply be eachother's shoulder to lean on. I think he opens up about her because he knows I'm here for him, not because it's supposed to Make me stick around. Otherwise, I think he would have told me these things months ago. He didn't...early on he was vague about being unhappy but more details unfold as time goes on. Also, we don't see eachother enough to say its abandoning the kids. We see eachother every weekend, but not even every weekend. But we talk every single day. He is a busy man with a family and because of that I know his time limited, and I am happy with the time we do get, because I'm not the kind of person who needs to see my boyfriend everyday. I like a lot of space. So frankly, the situation suits me well. Sounds like you have some serious commitment issues. That is why a part time lover who has another woman works for you. The fact that a MM is the best relationship you have ever had and you are 38 years old screams commitment/abandonment issues. Have you tried counseling? You would be surprised if you resolved your commitment issues how rewarding being in a real, full time relationship can be. One where you are not hidden in real life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I find this kind of funny. I work full-time. Pretty much always have. If not, I work more than full-time. I have worked out of the city and even out of the Province. My husband hasn't. He has rarely worked full time in the course of our marriage. He has always complained about the house and my "lack of effort" surrounding it. I never understood how I could spend hours a day cleaning on top of working.....while he would either not be working or working fewer hours and yet not put in anywhere near the same effort and the house would be messy and not up to his par. Yet.....we have had a nine year fight about him putting his garbage in the can. Other fights have included: rinsing his own dishes, picking up his own laundry to go to the laundry room. Encouraging our daughter to clean up after herself. He does none of these things. The house stays messy right up until we separate. Every time we have separated or he has not been around, the house gets so damn clean. Quickly. And it stays that way. We are separated now. The living room got completely cleaned and organized. He came over one night to visit and babysit our daughter so I could work late. I came home. Oh My Good Ness! Garbage and crap all over the living room. Spilled water. Playdoh stuck to blankets and the couch and the floor. Coloured sugar all over the floor. Coloured Sugar! He didn't even make the slightest effort to not have the place a total disaster. It took me over an hour to clean it all up. I know that I will be sweeping and vacuuming coloured sugar out of everything for weeks to come. I will think it will be done. Then there will be some flecks of it that have escaped that will become apparent. It really made me realize just how little respect he had for our home. It doesn't take anywhere near as long to clean when he is gone vs. when he is here. We split chores evenly. But the only chore that he actually DID was changing the laundry over. Not folding it or putting it away either. Just turning it over. And he didn't do it anywhere near as often as I had thought. When he left, the laundry area had insane amounts of clothing left in it. I was stepping through it to get to the laundry machines! I must have done 20 loads to clear it out! No wonder I always had trouble finding bras and socks! I save tons of time with him not around to mess the place up. I thought being a single Mom would zap more time. Perhaps he is messy too. If he wasn't messy, he wouldn't tolerate it. Like most MM who cheat, it sounds like he wants a mother figure to "do it all" for him. Including all of the clean-up. Otherwise, he would be negotiating a different deal about the house. Putting his private parts in your private parts isn't making his home any cleaner. Unless him being around less makes it less messy, like my husband. It really drove me nuts, because I worked as a cleaner and then just could not get my home under control mess-wise without completely exhausting myself. Now I know why. The expectation was ridiculous. I mean garbage all over the damn floor was the first thing that needed to be cleaned up every day. And almost none of it is my daughter's doing. My guy is the clean freak. For me, it can be a little cluttered but NEVER dirty. Thing is, i.keep it clean because it hurts his feelings if i don't, as it shows lack of appreciation for all of the wonderful things he does for us. BUT! If it gets messy, he does his part to pick up, and does most of the cooking. It is certainly a joint effort and if i did not live here it would be pristine! My guy did a lot of complaining about his ex, and the thing is, he did not complain to everyone, just me, trying to.explain his upset. Thing is, i was ok with it, even talked about it here, but if he ever talked that way about me i would kick his a$$!! So, i have, for totally selfish reasons, changed my stance on the wife complaining. And honestly, if the house got that bad, you can hire a maid but you cant hire a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 You are describing a MM that is extremely conflict-avoidant. Assuming he is telling you the truth about how miserable his marriage is, why didn't he divorce his wife years ago? In fact, why did he allow himself to get pressured into marrying a woman he didn't want to marry in the first place? There is zero chance in hell of this guy ever leaving his wife. And if she ever gets wind of your affair, the MM will drop you so fast that your head will spin. How do you think you are going to feel when not only do you lose the affair relationship, but you also lose a 10-year friend? Like most OW at the beginning of an affair, you try to convince yourself that you are cool with the dynamics of dating a married man--having to share him with his wife, only getting to see him part time, having to keep the relationship in the shadows. After all, you knew what you were getting into when you started the affair so how can you justify expecting any different, right? Well, your tune will change eventually and you will realize you want more out of life than to be a MM's part-time mistress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 I see him on Sat nights, and that is really it. Occasionally, a Friday. Rest of week, he works or is at home. So he's hardly with me enough to say its abandoning kids. Not even close. But text/chat at least once a day everyday. We are from the same circle of friends. Some known him 20 years, much longer than me. I've heard them talk about him and his reputation is the kindest guy you'd ever meet, etc, the hardest working guy you would ever meet. The reason he will never leave her is because he is those things. I cal him the "people pleaser" because everywhere he goes, he wants to give people what they want, do whatever they need, etc. He started to tell me things about his marriage back before we were even romantic. She stays home with the kids. She treats them well. He doesn't make her out to be some kind of wicked witch for a mom. But, she does not do her part around the house. He has mentioned it before, but only recently did he get more into detail. I think be just needed someone to vent to. And well before we got attached, he knew she wasn't happy due to her lack of affection. He asked if she wanted divorce...he asked if she wants him to date people. She replies that she doesn't know what she wants, and she doesn't care what he does. That's when he gave up on her. Gave up on their relationship. This is what he told me AND another friend of ours, before we got closer. Someone told me, it made him very sad that his wife just doesn't care about him, yet, he knows he can't just leave her high and dry. So, thats the story. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 How does this guy who has a wife and kids who works 20 hours a day have time for a mistress? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Is your married man a police officer? Because he sounds like one. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 And well before we got attached, he knew she wasn't happy due to her lack of affection. He asked if she wanted divorce...he asked if she wants him to date people. She replies that she doesn't know what she wants, and she doesn't care what he does. That's when he gave up on her. Gave up on their relationship. Then he should have divorced her if this true. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 He doesn't bad mouth her, he even still considers her a good mom otherwise, he just hates that she is messy and unappreciative. We have been involved for months, and he has slowly opened about these things over time, as he feels more comfortable to do so, I dont think it's a way to keep me around, it"s more like he just needs someone to vent to and knows he can with me. We are also great friends that listen to eachother when we have a bad day, and simply be eachother's shoulder to lean on. I think he opens up about her because he knows I'm here for him, not because it's supposed to Make me stick around. Otherwise, I think he would have told me these things months ago. He didn't...early on he was vague about being unhappy but more details unfold as time goes on. Also, we don't see eachother enough to say its abandoning the kids. We see eachother every weekend, but not even every weekend. But we talk every single day. He is a busy man with a family and because of that I know his time limited, and I am happy with the time we do get, because I'm not the kind of person who needs to see my boyfriend everyday. I like a lot of space. So frankly, the situation suits me well. So, you're saying neither one of you are bad mouthing His Wife. Uh. Don't know why we all thought that. My bad. About the last paragraph, if it 'suits' you just fine being number 2 & you're happy with the arrangement of being the OW and aside from just telling a bunch of virtual strangers... did you have a question? Is this being an OW taking a toll so wanted it 'out there' with others to chat with? I'm just curious because I don't know how to comment without a question* 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 You should get the MM to come on here for some advice. If everything is as bad as he says it is he would be better off out of the marriage. For most married men the cost of divorce, the risk of not seeing their children are what weighs most on them. A good attorney would be able to help. However, that is something he must sort out. What do you want out of this? If you are happy being his mistress/girlfriend and having him part time then that is fine. However, if you want him full time the ONLY way for this to happen is for him to leave his wife. If he never leaves his wife you will be 'the other woman' indefinitely. For all his being a 'nice' guy, he will keep you as his 'other woman' indefinitely. Check the other woman forum on here. You have a bleak future if that is your choice. Your best option is to finish the affair and tell him you will be his friend, but the sex is going to stop. Then you need to start dating. If he wants to get out of his marriage he will, if he really wants you he will issue the divorce papers and ask you on a date. He may even divorce, then decide he wants to be single for a bit and date other people. Do you want to be his OW in a years time? Or on your 40th birthday? Or when you hit 45? If not. Then make up your mind about how long you are prepared to be his OW. Don't let his unhappy marriage make you unhappily single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Emotions really screw us up at times. Huni, this is simple. His situation is not your problem. It is his and his alone to deal with. Until he does just that and until he is in the position to have a proper relationship with you then you need to walk away from this man. No matter the reasons, how truthful they may sound or actually be, your empathy is clouding your judgement and is not what either of you needs. He is cheating. This is an affair. Do not sugar coat it. Keep saying it outloud if need be. You are having an affair with a married man. You do not know his wife, his children, or what is really going on in their home. You are the mistress. You are the distraction, the lure, etc. You are NOT his priority. Now repeat the above. If you are really best friends then do what a friend does and give him the cold hard honest truth. The affair is 100% wrong. He needs to deal with the problems at home and more importantly his own issues. He needs to not drag you or your reputation farther down this rabbit hole. If he cares about you he will leave you alone. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 I am okay with "part time". I don't expect it to go on forever, I don't think he does either. We are filling a big hole for eachother. We mean alot to eachother. We will still be friends when its over. If I told him today that I have met someone, he would be happy for me. But we choose to be there for eachother, for now, and I'm sure I will meet someone new eventually, but we will always have a very special place in eachother's hearts. I don't dream that we will jump on a horse and ride off into the sunset..nor does he make any kind of promises that we will. I think he will leave her, oneday, but a very long time from now maybe when his kids are older and likely when I am no longer available. But we are happy with what we are to eachother right now, and we know our friendship will never go away, this is why we are so happy with it. No pressure or drama with us, ever. We see it for what it is. We know we can't be together for real, even though we joke about it and fantasize about it here and there, we both know this is temporary. When he does leave her oneday, it won't have anything to so with me, it will be when he is fed up and can't take it anymore. Or, maybe she will get to that point herself, who knows. I'm sure he has many flaws in her eyes too, its obvious because she gives him little attention. But they choose this "for the kids" deal. I'm aware there is 2 sides to all stories. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Quote: And well before we got attached, he knew she wasn't happy due to her lack of affection. He asked if she wanted divorce...he asked if she wants him to date people. She replies that she doesn't know what she wants, and she doesn't care what he does. That's when he gave up on her. Gave up on their relationship. ^^^^^^ If this is true and he really believes it, why is he hiding you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Quote: And well before we got attached, he knew she wasn't happy due to her lack of affection. He asked if she wanted divorce...he asked if she wants him to date people. She replies that she doesn't know what she wants, and she doesn't care what he does. That's when he gave up on her. Gave up on their relationship. ^^^^^^ If this is true and he really believes it, why is he hiding you? I'll bite. Even if the wife really meant it, this guy still really cares about what his family and friends think of him. I'm guessing that having a girlfriend on the side would not be considered acceptable behavior within MM's circle of friends and colleagues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Quote: And well before we got attached, he knew she wasn't happy due to her lack of affection. He asked if she wanted divorce...he asked if she wants him to date people. She replies that she doesn't know what she wants, and she doesn't care what he does. That's when he gave up on her. Gave up on their relationship. ^^^^^^ If this is true and he really believes it, why is he hiding you? He doesn't really. He is affectionate with me in front of his friends, even. And they know he is married. He has told her "I was out with LilySun last night"... when he spends nights with me, his phone is always near. The only time she called looking for him, I heard the whole conversation, she didn't even care that he was gone all night, she was just asking him for money. She doesn't give a crap what he's doing. But she doesn't want him to leave, either. I guess because she doesn't want to work, I don"t know. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 So what? His wife is a slob. She's probably depressed being married to a workaholic, basement dwelling, cheating husband. She's probably (hopefully) planning her escape. He's not special, and his story isn't unique, and you're certainly not the first OW who feels the need to vilify the BS. Fact is, he's just another garden variety cheating husband. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I think he will leave her, oneday, but a very long time from now maybe when his kids are older and likely when I am no longer available. How do you expect to ever meet another guy while you're so involved with MM? You don't seem to recognize how one-sided this arrangement is. You are placing your entire life on hold to have your needs temporarily met with no guarantee of it continuing. Every day in an affair is a day you aren't available to meet a guy that could devote himself 100% to you and be there for you for the rest of your life. An OM in another thread just posted this morning about wasting 13 years of the prime of his life in an affair with a MW. Read that thread because it could happen to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 He doesn't really. He is affectionate with me in front of his friends, even. And they know he is married. He has told her "I was out with LilySun last night"... when he spends nights with me, his phone is always near. The only time she called looking for him, I heard the whole conversation, she didn't even care that he was gone all night, she was just asking him for money. She doesn't give a crap what he's doing. But she doesn't want him to leave, either. I guess because she doesn't want to work, I don"t know. How affectionate is he? Like giving you hugs and putting his arm around you occasionally, or are we talking open-mouth kissing? If the wife truly is ok with an open marriage arrangement, why don't you go to her and lay it all on the table and get her blessing? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 He doesn't really. He is affectionate with me in front of his friends, even. And they know he is married. He has told her "I was out with LilySun last night"... when he spends nights with me, his phone is always near. The only time she called looking for him, I heard the whole conversation, she didn't even care that he was gone all night, she was just asking him for money. She doesn't give a crap what he's doing. But she doesn't want him to leave, either. I guess because she doesn't want to work, I don"t know. Oh please. You don't know what he told her before he left the house. Maybe he had her believing he was working one of those 20 hr shifts and that's why she wasn't questioning him on where he spent the night. I think if you talked to his wife you would get a whole different story about what goes on in their house and what is said between the 2 of them. It doesn't matter if you have a mutual friend who hears the same stories from your MM because it's not unusual for MM's to spin the same story about their marriage to everyone in their circle as they want to be seen as the sympathetic character in their story. Everyone does that to a certain extent. Talk separately to 2 people who have just had a big falling out. Both of those people will spin the story so that it appears they were the wronged party. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 How affectionate is he? Like giving you hugs and putting his arm around you occasionally, or are we talking open-mouth kissing? If the wife truly is ok with an open marriage arrangement, why don't you go to her and lay it all on the table and get her blessing? He has kissed me in front of people...which I was shocked about...he has danced with me, held my hand, etc, in front of them. It all surprised me, because I assume he would want to keep it low key, but there are times that he doesn't seem concerned about this at all. Our only closest friends who know we hang out, said it appears that perhaps he is trying to give the wife a reason to leave, since he is careless this way. But it appears she just doesn't care, because he's never said she asks about me or what he does in general. Yeah maybe she is depressed, and it seems he is too, when he talks about her. Bottom line, they both appear very unhappy for their own reasons, and appear to hate eachother actually, but I'm guessing they both feel "stuck" and figure staying there for kids is the right thing. Not uncommon for married people to do. And this is what causes cheating. For all we know, she is cheating too and bad mouthing him as well, it sounds like a really sad situation in general, for both of them. But I do believe they are both good people that are just wrong for eachother. I don't think of her as a bad person, just an unhappy person, like he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilySun Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 He manages to find plenty time with his kids in there somewhere, because pictures of this are on his facebook quite often. The kids appear pretty happy...but there is rarely, if ever, "family" pics that include both of them. I don't know when or how exactly, but its obvious that he and the kids are close, without me even having to ask about it. There has been pics of him teaching them how to ride bikes, going fishing together, swimming together, etc., no I'm not sure when/how he finds time for it all exactly, but its clear that he does as much as he can. He mostly works out of the home on weekends only, which is also when I see him, and the only time his kids don't see him. I also know he spends all of his Sundays with them, as well. But I'm assuming he gets more time with them in summer when there is no school, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
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