Emotional Timeline

[Sub]

I don't want to know every word. I want to know how many times. If it was at our house. If she sucked his you know what and if she loves or really did love him. I also want to know if she had continued contact with him after our R while at work or wherever. Last but not least I would want to know if he did not want to be with her which is why she wants to make it work for me. Or if she is telling the truth that he pursued her etc.

 

I'm assuming you've asked these questions in the time since you've found out and the polygraph is to confirm or disprove her answers.

[Peeches]

Jim, I think you need to so some research on polygraphs. You can't ask emotion based questions and if a tester allows it they should not be taking money to do one. So you can as her if she said "I love you" but you can't ask her "did you love him." Did you go down on him is a fact based question so okay for a poly. But "did you like the sex is an emotion charged one and can be conflicted thus messing with the test results.

 

Normal people don't beat polygraph tests. But normal people do fail then when they should have passed. Anything can set someone off and change the readings even a memory that is only related to but has nothing to do with the question. People beating the polygraph isn't why it isn't used. People being falsely convicted is why they aren't allowed.

[Be_Strong]

jm2013,

I got the answers to all the questions you now have. All the gruesome details. Yes, surprisingly, I was able to stomach it, but if I could do it all over I would choose to remain ignorant of all the details.

[Peeches]

I read the rest of this post. IMO and my opinion only I think your marriage is bla because you haven't recommitted. You haven't even said I love you. That hurts after a while. While words by themselves may be hallow, actions do not replace the words. She knows you are ready to bolt and have not forgiven her. And she knows she can't do anything about that. The other concerning thing I read was when you talked about the "old her" peaking through. A perfect wife isn't going to happen. She is human. And while transparency and good boundaries should be non negotiable... Selfishness or tempers or whatever you may will happen. Disagreements will happen. She will mess up and you will mess up. Because you are both human. And I am not talking about cheating. Just day to day life.

[Be_Strong]

Jim, I think you need to so some research on polygraphs. You can't ask emotion based questions and if a tester allows it they should not be taking money to do one. So you can as her if she said "I love you" but you can't ask her "did you love him." Did you go down on him is a fact based question so okay for a poly. But "did you like the sex is an emotion charged one and can be conflicted thus messing with the test results.

 

Normal people don't beat polygraph tests. But normal people do fail then when they should have passed. Anything can set someone off and change the readings even a memory that is only related to but has nothing to do with the question. People beating the polygraph isn't why it isn't used. People being falsely convicted is why they aren't allowed.

 

Polygraphs are a complete and total sham anyway. The entire premise is based on the idiot being examined believing that the lie detector works. It's a psychological trick. The person giving the exam is pretty much a person "trained" to detect lies and the result of the test is still just that person's subjective opinion on whethe an answer to a question is a lie.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I think I know how you might feel. I reached a point I where would ask a difficult question just to see if she'd give me the difficult truth, or an easy lie.

 

Aftwe awhile, you get enough difficult truths, that you say ok... I don't need the details. I only need to know if she'd be honest about them if I asked.

 

In the end, most of your worst fears are probably true anyway, so just decide if they are too much for you to live with or not.

[jm2013]

Yeah, it's not like I am dwelling as much on the physical part of it as all of the lies to be honest. I think that is the gut punch. I guess the other thing that knocks the wind out of me is how she was able to be this physical with somebody else within our marriage and love somebody else. To this day it baffles me. I mean cmon. If I had found another woman who I thought was better than my wife I would have divorced her and left her out of respect. Instead she played a mind game and just drilled a 12" knife through me. It is hard to make sense of it all when your spouse tells you "I did not want person X I told him I love you". Then goes on to keep having sex with him and speaking with him daily. Obviously things don't add up in that picture if you know what I mean.

[Clay]

I feel sorry for you but you made your choice to stay with her. You probably should let most of this go before it eats you alive and you end up ruining the relationship on your own. If you don't trust her then you should not be with her.

 

This is exactly why I do not support staying with a cheater. All the pain you are constantly going through is just not worth what little love they offer during this time. There is also the known fact if they will do it once they will for sure do it again.

 

Your life could be so much better right now with someone new. Going to discovering all the wonderful things a healthy relationship has to offer.

 

There is so much more to life that trying to fix someone that does not really love you.

 

Clay

[Sub]

Yeah, it's not like I am dwelling as much on the physical part of it as all of the lies to be honest. I think that is the gut punch. I guess the other thing that knocks the wind out of me is how she was able to be this physical with somebody else within our marriage and love somebody else. To this day it baffles me. I mean cmon. If I had found another woman who I thought was better than my wife I would have divorced her and left her out of respect. Instead she played a mind game and just drilled a 12" knife through me. It is hard to make sense of it all when your spouse tells you "I did not want person X I told him I love you". Then goes on to keep having sex with him and speaking with him daily. Obviously things don't add up in that picture if you know what I mean.

 

I had the exact same feelings. Heck, I'm 3 years out and still try to make sense of it once and a while. The big question is: what are you seeing from her that proves she loves you and wants to work on this with you? If it's not much, I would re-examine whether R is the right course.

[jm2013]

I feel sorry for you but you made your choice to stay with her. You probably should let most of this go before it eats you alive and you end up ruining the relationship on your own. If you don't trust her then you should not be with her.

 

This is exactly why I do not support staying with a cheater. All the pain you are constantly going through is just not worth what little love they offer during this time. There is also the known fact if they will do it once they will for sure do it again.

 

Your life could be so much better right now with someone new. Going to discovering all the wonderful things a healthy relationship has to offer.

 

There is so much more to life that trying to fix someone that does not really love you.

 

Clay

 

Thanks Clay. It is definitely a difficult process. It's a choice I made. If this doesn't end up working out I can look back and say I tried. So if my daughter ever wants to know the truth later on when she's all grown up she'll know I tried my hardest before I threw the towel in. I think she'd have a lot more respect for that.

 

I had the exact same feelings. Heck, I'm 3 years out and still try to make sense of it once and a while. The big question is: what are you seeing from her that proves she loves you and wants to work on this with you? If it's not much, I would re-examine whether R is the right course.

 

She's definitely putting a lot of work in. When I first came back this was great. I'm getting new feelings as time passes. While she's putting a lot of work in with US and trying to make things right, this cloud is still lingering around. We don't argue at all. We do a lot as a family. It is more of a me problem currently to be honest as for as now. Unless of course she's still holding in many lies. That I won't appreciate much at all right now. I know she'd still be on damage control and projecting a different image of the affair than it really was for to limit the damages. I get it. That's why I had asked about the emotional timeline. I mean I don't know what my feelings will be like in another year. I hope they are different. If I can't seem to break the mode I'm currently in and have to live with these types of feelings I think this will sadly have to end in due time. I have been focusing on eradicating our debt. I gas I have to do some deep soul searching. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow just me.

 

The past few sessions we have been discussing the affair. I guess that perhaps is a reason of revisiting old feelings as well. Every time we go in there and talk I get so frustrated. I keep telling him there's more to the story and I want it. He basically just keeps asking what needs to be done to move past and forward. It's a tricky question. Me bringing this all up constantly does us both no good. If I can't seem to shake it in so much time I think I would have to at that point sit her down and tell her I think it would do both of us good to move on from this and find new people. Sometimes I sit back and wonder if there is somebody else out there that holds commitments or if we live in such a shattered world where they don't even matter anymore. I have seen countless marriages around me implode from infidelity within the past couple of years. It is rather depressing to watch unfold.

[TrustedthenBusted]

If I had found another woman who I thought was better than my wife I would have divorced her and left her out of respect. Instead she played a mind game and just drilled a 12" knife through me.

Careful with this one. It's very easy to SAY what you'd do, but much harder to actually do it. Your wife probably said the same thing at one point, but when faced with the reality, decided that she didn't want him over you, she wanted both. And that is the choice cheaters always make.

 

 

 

It is hard to make sense of it all when your spouse tells you "I did not want person X I told him I love you". Then goes on to keep having sex with him and speaking with him daily. Obviously things don't add up in that picture if you know what I mean.

 

Sure they do. He was just some flattery machine, and secret adventure. She probably DID tell him she loved you. But she also probably told him that she wasn't getting her needs met, or need some excitement, or some other BS justification. I found emails my wife wrote saying all sorts of nice things to OM about ME. She even one time told him she doesn't know why she's doing this.

 

It all adds up. You are her husband, and HE is just some affair jackass. Sleeping with him doesn't mean she loves him, anymore than sleeping with some other woman would mean you love her. In all liklihood, he was just the right guy in the right place at the right time. He could have been anyone.

[jm2013]

Careful with this one. It's very easy to SAY what you'd do, but much harder to actually do it. Your wife probably said the same thing at one point, but when faced with the reality, decided that she didn't want him over you, she wanted both. And that is the choice cheaters always make.

 

 

 

 

 

Sure they do. He was just some flattery machine, and secret adventure. She probably DID tell him she loved you. But she also probably told him that she wasn't getting her needs met, or need some excitement, or some other BS justification. I found emails my wife wrote saying all sorts of nice things to OM about ME. She even one time told him she doesn't know why she's doing this.

 

It all adds up. You are her husband, and HE is just some affair jackass. Sleeping with him doesn't mean she loves him, anymore than sleeping with some other woman would mean you love her. In all liklihood, he was just the right guy in the right place at the right time. He could have been anyone.

 

She told me she "thought" she loved him. I think if I would have found what you found it would have been a little more reassuring if you know what I mean. The most physical evidence I found besides the phone records were old deleted voicemails she had in her deleted folder where he went on to say something like "Hey honey, I had a great night tonight. I hope you have a great day tomorrow". I was in shock when I heard those. It doesn't sound good when some other guy is calling your wife honey. I remember my heart sank when I heard that. If I could have done things all over again I would have just stole her phone and taken it up somewhere to have everything I could get extracted. All text deletions and everything I could get my hands on. I should have built up irrefutable proof in the beginning.

[flowergirl14]

Truthfully my whole perspective on marriage and relationships have changed drastically over the past few years. Anymore when I see a young, newlywed couple I can't help but to feel sorry for the guy. The odds are very high for that guy that is newly married that his wife will cheat on him at some point in time, or she will just walk out on him. Once in divorce court he will find out quickly that he is nothing more than a slave, being force to work to keep his ex wife in a lifestyle that she is use to. His home and kids will be replaced by his ex wife's latest love interest.

 

After I found out about my ex wife's cheating I left her. I knew that their was no way I could ever look at her the same way. I knew that I would trust a stranger on the streets more than her because she had proven herself to be untrustworthy. I knew that if I tried to stay that it would be myself I would have let down more than anything else. By leaving I was at least able to stop the abuse and protect myself. If I had stayed then I would have only allowed the abuse to continue or even if the abuse stopped I would still be justifying it. Once you have been cheated on, nothing that a wayward spouse can do that can ever correct, makeup or make even what has been done to the betrayed spouse. Some men will say that after time the marriage to their formal wayward wife is better than ever. I don't doubt them, they maybe right and okay with how things are for them. For myself the thing that always hurts the worse was knowing that I am always her second choice. This alone made my choice to walk away and easy choice.

 

I have to say when I go out to eat or whatever, I scan the room and wonder how many of these people are being cheated on and don't know it. There was a recent article in our hometown newspaper. They had statistics about how many people were registered on the site Ashley Maddison. Apparently, its a website specifically to find people willing and looking to cheat. There are over 40 k people in my city registered. Disgusting! This doesn't even account for those not registered who are cheating. They broke it down further by what areas of town had more cheaters registered. Demographically, the wealthier the area and the more kids per family had the higher number of cheaters. (Members on this site) Ive often wondered if my Husband belongs to this. I always think about these spouses ( for me its women) who have no clue (like me) that their douche bag husbands are cheating on them while they are out to lunch with the kids. I wonder and doubt that they would want to know. As we all realize, once you "know" there is no going back!

[drifter777]

It all adds up. You are her husband, and HE is just some affair jackass. Sleeping with him doesn't mean she loves him, anymore than sleeping with some other woman would mean you love her. In all liklihood, he was just the right guy in the right place at the right time. He could have been anyone.

What adds up? Her story about why she cheated and the details she has provided thus far? Why does it add up to you?

 

Sleeping with him may or may not mean she loves him. But it also means she may or may not love her husband. The act of screwing another man would make me lean more toward the "she doesn't love her husband" than any of the other conclusions here.