spider165 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I have been dating my gf since the beginning of April this year. She moved here to the East Coast from the West for a job. Things have been more than amazing since day one. However the other day she drops a huge bomb shell on me saying that she misses her family and friends and is thinking about moving back. She also wants to go to school out there. This came out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. We had "the talk" a few weeks back and she said she wants to be with me and can see us married one day. I'm so confused and have no idea what to do. My options are drop everything I have here and move out West, do the whole long distance relationship thing, or break up. I can't move I have a house and a career here and nothing out west. I don't believe in long distance relationships and I don't wanna break up with her because I can also see myself marring her one day. Any advice?
ComingInHot Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Could she possibly be putting an end date on your dating in hopes of a proposal? The only reason I say this is because when I was dating I had a 12 month rule (I was 23 at the time*). I figured if by 12 months we weren't sure that we were, 'the stuff of legends' ie; had a future together, then we'd part friends no harm no foul (after the heartache healed at least). I TOLD the guys I was dating this after the fourth month or so out of respect for them and the relationship.
Dontfindme Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 I have been dating my gf since the beginning of April this year. She moved here to the East Coast from the West for a job. Things have been more than amazing since day one. However the other day she drops a huge bomb shell on me saying that she misses her family and friends and is thinking about moving back. She also wants to go to school out there. This came out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. We had "the talk" a few weeks back and she said she wants to be with me and can see us married one day. I'm so confused and have no idea what to do. My options are drop everything I have here and move out West, do the whole long distance relationship thing, or break up. I can't move I have a house and a career here and nothing out west. I don't believe in long distance relationships and I don't wanna break up with her because I can also see myself marring her one day. Any advice? Why is it okay for her to move to you, dropping her friends, family, and dreams (it seems), but not for you to do the same? I'm just curious. Does she have anything here in the East Coast?
Assasda Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Who initiated "the talk" I'm guessing it was you OP - I think that is a huge part of the problem here
Author spider165 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Posted October 27, 2014 @cominginhot - No she is not doing that. She is not looking to get married soon. @dontfindme - Never said it was okay. She moved here for her job which she can still have. For me to move is kind of hard since my job requires local certification which are hard to obtain. @assasda - One night we were just talking about my attitude towards things which somehow lead to "the talk".
Chemist Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Op, I got the sense that she had moved to your state before you met. Or maybe you knew her before hand but she came for her work. I think Dontfindme is off base or jumped to conclusions on that. My suggestion is that you tell her exactly that. Long distance relationships are another name for a slow break up. That you want to be with her. That everything you have and own is in your state. I also suggest you be realistic about yourself. For some, family is a strong bond and something I will never fully understand. You have dated for half a year and sorry, but her family bond may be stronger than that. If you are serious about this girl, you wouldn't be afraid of moving. Instead, what you should do is discuss it with her. Tell her if you do it, you first have to get certified out there (are you some sort of lawman or journyman? I can't imagine too many state specific jobs) and have to sell your house before you could move out there with her. You could lease your house out for rent and move out there, just in case things go south. Take some initiative if you really want to be with her. Research isn't costly. Ask her to be more patient with you during this time. In the mean time, encourage her to make friends. Get her to make some bonds in your state and maybe she will feel less homesick. Maybe purchase her a plane ticket for her as a Christmas present and give her a vacation with her family.
Gaeta Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Break up. You've only been dating for 6 months. You don't uproot yourself, make career changes, sell a property for someone you've been dating 6 months. It will be hard but it's be the best decision in the long run. You will meet someone else, even better, then you will realize how ridiculous the idea of moving on the west coast for a girl of 6 months was.
BC1980 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 What has she said about how she wants the relationship to proceed if she moves? I think that is really important for you to find out, and I would find it very worrisome if she hasn't initiated a conversation about that. She might have agreed that she can see herself marrying you, but people sometimes say things that they wish they hadn't. She might have been agreeing with you, or she might not have wanted to hurt your feelings. Also, did she move after she met you, or did you meet her after she moved?
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Posted October 27, 2014 Why is it okay for her to move to you, dropping her friends, family, and dreams (it seems), but not for you to do the same? I'm just curious. Does she have anything here in the East Coast? She didn't move there for him though.
Fondue Posted October 28, 2014 Posted October 28, 2014 (edited) Hey man, I'm in a very similar situation, so I'll tell you about what I'm doing. I made a post about this before and told my story. I got some good advice, maybe you can read it, too. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/483040-moving-across-country-your-gf-bf-crazy I'm in the same boat. I'm paying for a mortgage on my own place, have a great job, etc. The only difference between you and I is our relationship length. Mine is approaching 1.5years while yours is only.. 0.5. I told myself, "at the very least, this will be a great adventure. How many times in your life can you move across the country and live in a different world?" (at least that's what it feels like with the differences between NYC and LA). So I'm moving. I am in the process of signing a contract for a company there. I am also looking for tenants for my place here in NYC. It isn't that hard to find at all. I am actually going for another visit tomorrow and will be signing a lease for a place for us to live. So it is all coming. Right now, we're long distance. I have been visiting her, but it never feels like enough. You really cherish those days together. As far as being 3k miles apart and having a relationship, IT IS TOUGH. Really tough. Having minor disagreements, or even just being in a bad mood from something else affects your partner in ways you don't know. And on top of that, you can't physically comfort each other. It's just hard. I can elaborate more on all that, but I am sure you understand. In the end of the day, moving across the country is do-able. It is. But you only you can decide if it's crazy to do so. How invested are you at 0.5years? If I knew I had to decide at 0.5years, I would have never said yes. At 1 year though, I seriously considering it. Friends, family, co-workers, etc., all gave me different opinions on it. Most people told me, "you're crazy!!!" Some said, "that sounds like fun! how many times in your life you think you would be able to do that?" It is ultimately your choice. But I thought I could share with you my situation in hopes of maybe giving you a perspective that you might not have. Edited October 28, 2014 by Fondue 1
Author spider165 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Posted October 28, 2014 (edited) @Gaeta - That's what my inner voice is telling me. @B1980 - She moved here for a job than met me. @Fondue - It's funny how similar our stories area... I would be moving to the LA area as well. Thanks everyone for the great advice!!! Really puts things in perspective. Edited October 28, 2014 by spider165
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