Fondue Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 So the other thread on the front page inspired me to make this one. The guy is considering his relationship FUTURE with the girl he just began to date. SO he has a lot of time to think. I'm in a similar boat-- but with a very short time table. So I decided maybe making a thread on this and get your opinions on the subject. Background: I'm 27, she's nearly 24. So... we're young. I have been dating my GF for nearly 1 year (it will be a year next month), and since the very beginning she was telling how much she wanted to go to grad school in LA. That was her dream school. A few months ago, she finally had an interview with them and got accepted. Not only that, but they offered her a scholarship. She was having a difficult time deciding whether or not to go, and I made it very clear to her that she should not take me into account of her decisions. To do what is best for. In the end, she chose that school in LA and accepted their admission. So she'll be starting school in LA in September. I live on my own in NYC and she currently lives with her parents in NYC. We never lived together, but she stays over very often. I have a great job, make great money on a very flexible schedule (I am a public health nurse). I also own my own apartment (not rent). So I would be leaving that behind. I am probably able to find someone to sublease my place, but there are some strict guidelines in my building and I might have to do it "illegally," which I am not a fan of. I am not excited about leaving my job because I honestly really like it. THere is a good chance I can quit and come back a few years later, but I can't bank on it. So it is crunch time right now. I am at a loss. I am currently getting my California-RN license just in case I move there. She also rented out a room for 2months just in case I decide to come over permanently and we can find our own place together in the mean-time during that 2month window. I think most people would say we have a great relationship. Our small bumps int he road were just that... Small bumps. We talk things out, things get resolved, we move forward. This was a slow building relationship, too. Which I really enjoyed. I liked building it up from the ground gradually until our feelings really developed into something special. With that said, I consulted many of my friends and co-workers on the subject. MOST people said I am considering giving up too much to be with her. Ditching a great job, my place, and moving it all across the country is silly. "What is she sacrificing?," they say. A few of my friends/co-workers say "just do it. You're young, why the hell not?" My parents say, "sounds like an adventure, why not?" SO anyway, mixed opinions. So in the end, we're both rather young. I'm fully engaged in my career at this point, and she's only starting graduate school. She's a little younger than me, but she doesn't look like she's behind me maturity wise. I am not certain what the future of our relationship looks like. So I am not sure what I should do. What do you guys think? Is it crazy to drop what looks like "the good life" for me, and take my life over to California to be with this woman? Or am I sacrificing too much? I'm going to go to work now but I'll be back this afternoon. Hopefully I get some replies and I'll have something to think about. Thank you guys for reading!
preraph Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I think you're in a type of job where you are able to relocate and find another job. I think L.A. and especially surrounding areas is a much nicer living environment than NYC, great weather, happy people doing fun physical things, bigger living spaces, even a yard if you want one, and a proper kitchen to cook in. Compared to NY, it will seem like a vacation except you'll have to drive in some bad traffic, depending exactly where you live. It's not bad everywhere, but it's bad in Hollywood, the bar districts at night, etc. The freeways are frequently clogged. So the traffic is still not as bad as NY, but in NY you do at least have the subway where in LA, subway is very limited and people drive. If this is a good solid relationship, I say go for it. If nothing else, it will be a big diverse change for you and you'll pick up new life skills and get to see a bit of the world. There are many nice places to go driving around Southern California and Northern California, and Vegas is just an hour and a half away. 1
Els Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 If I were you I would do LDR for a while first, and only think of moving after that. IMO if your R did not survive, say, even 6 months of LDR, I would be skeptical as to whether or not it would have lasted for the very long term even if you had moved. And in that case, then the sacrifice would not have been worth it anyway. If it survives, then you would be in a better position to make your decision, with 1.5-2 years of a R under your belt. I did move countries/continents (not just across the country) to be with my SO. But my case was different from yours because firstly his country is better, and secondly I was not giving up much, as I was unhappy in my job anyway. We were 23 when I did that; I still consider it one of the best decisions of my life. However we had already been long distance for 2 years at that point. 6
Frank2thepoint Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I understand your dilemma. Moving out of NYC, where it is familiar and convenient. You have the subway, Starbucks on every corner, Whole Foods, and rude snobs. If you were to move out of NYC, its like uncharted territory, savage lands beyond the bridges and tunnels. You may wonder if they even accept the US dollar out in LA. The worst, is never hearing someone speak English with a Brooklyn accent again. Fugetaboutit! Okay, joking aside, you're an RN. You can find a job anywhere in the US. So don't worry about that, because you have a skill that is in demand. You can even work in the private sector. As for the opinions, your parents gave the best response. It's an adventure. You only live once, and if the relationship works, you two will have a great story to share. 2
Diezel Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I would ever move for another person unless we were married. Moving specifically for someone else could be grounds for resentment on either half of the relationship. If you like where you are now... specially in NYC (Mecca of women), why would you want to give that up? Granted, I love California, it doesn't sound like you are doing this for YOU, but solely for her. You don't want to have the inevitable argument where you remind her that you moved out there for her. By the way... what does SHE think about all of this?
Ruby Slippers Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I totally agree with Elswyth. Moving changes a lot for a person, so it's unpredictable how your girlfriend and your relationship will change after the move. Since you have a good career and can afford it, take turns flying to visit each other on weekends and when you can, and see how a long distance relationship works for at least 6 months before you make any life-changing decisions. If you're truly right for each other, that will only become more clear as you go along. 2
carrie_o Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Does she intend to live out there permanently after grad school? Is she out there temporarily or permanently?
DArtagnan2 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 carrie brings up a great question and one I was going to ask: Where is her permanent home going to be? Once she is done with school, does she plan on staying in Cali for the long term or does she see herself moving back home? I went away to college myself, but knew when I was done with school I was taking my butt back home, I was only there for school. Thats something to discuss with her before making a decision.
d0nnivain Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 It's not completely insane. You are dealing with it intelligently and making sure you can get employment & have a place to live before uprooting yourself. I wouldn't jump to living together but you can make the jump if you like. If you have never visited So Cal I would go see her before you move. Many NYers don't care for it. It's very different.
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I am not certain what the future of our relationship looks like. So I am not sure what I should do. OP, I don't think your heart is full in it enough to consider it. If you don't know for sure you want a future with this woman then don't do it. You might end up resenting her, you'll be far away from home and have sacrificed a lot. If you're not sure you want to be with her for the rest of your life then a cross-country move is a little too much of a big deal I think. I reckon it will actually wreck your relationship as it's a huge move for a couple that are a fan of building it slowly. I just think if you knew it was the right thing to do you wouldn't be on an anonymous forum asking for advice, you would know that being with her anywhere is better than being without her anywhere. 1
mirage12 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 It's not completely insane. You are dealing with it intelligently and making sure you can get employment & have a place to live before uprooting yourself. I wouldn't jump to living together but you can make the jump if you like. If you have never visited So Cal I would go see her before you move. Many NYers don't care for it. It's very different. I second this. I've lived in both NY and LA for a period of years. Think very, very carefully before making a transition like this. I'm not sure if you love living in NYC but almost everything about LA is completely different - and depending on what type of person you are, not necessarily in a good way. You won't know anyone but her when you move out and she'll be busy with school. LA is not a friendly or welcoming place to move to and it is very hard to make friends there without an existing social network. It's a great place, but it's not for everyone. 1
thekid36 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) So the other thread on the front page inspired me to make this one. The guy is considering his relationship FUTURE with the girl he just began to date. SO he has a lot of time to think. I'm in a similar boat-- but with a very short time table. So I decided maybe making a thread on this and get your opinions on the subject. Background: I'm 27, she's nearly 24. So... we're young. I have been dating my GF for nearly 1 year (it will be a year next month), and since the very beginning she was telling how much she wanted to go to grad school in LA. That was her dream school. A few months ago, she finally had an interview with them and got accepted. Not only that, but they offered her a scholarship. She was having a difficult time deciding whether or not to go, and I made it very clear to her that she should not take me into account of her decisions. To do what is best for. In the end, she chose that school in LA and accepted their admission. So she'll be starting school in LA in September. I live on my own in NYC and she currently lives with her parents in NYC. We never lived together, but she stays over very often. I have a great job, make great money on a very flexible schedule (I am a public health nurse). I also own my own apartment (not rent). So I would be leaving that behind. I am probably able to find someone to sublease my place, but there are some strict guidelines in my building and I might have to do it "illegally," which I am not a fan of. I am not excited about leaving my job because I honestly really like it. THere is a good chance I can quit and come back a few years later, but I can't bank on it. So it is crunch time right now. I am at a loss. I am currently getting my California-RN license just in case I move there. She also rented out a room for 2months just in case I decide to come over permanently and we can find our own place together in the mean-time during that 2month window. I think most people would say we have a great relationship. Our small bumps int he road were just that... Small bumps. We talk things out, things get resolved, we move forward. This was a slow building relationship, too. Which I really enjoyed. I liked building it up from the ground gradually until our feelings really developed into something special. With that said, I consulted many of my friends and co-workers on the subject. MOST people said I am considering giving up too much to be with her. Ditching a great job, my place, and moving it all across the country is silly. "What is she sacrificing?," they say. A few of my friends/co-workers say "just do it. You're young, why the hell not?" My parents say, "sounds like an adventure, why not?" SO anyway, mixed opinions. So in the end, we're both rather young. I'm fully engaged in my career at this point, and she's only starting graduate school. She's a little younger than me, but she doesn't look like she's behind me maturity wise. I am not certain what the future of our relationship looks like. So I am not sure what I should do. What do you guys think? Is it crazy to drop what looks like "the good life" for me, and take my life over to California to be with this woman? Or am I sacrificing too much? I'm going to go to work now but I'll be back this afternoon. Hopefully I get some replies and I'll have something to think about. Thank you guys for reading! So, this is where I may make a few enemies! Or, at least find a few who may not be friendly with their responses. Yet, I still feel the desire to express my own feelings based on personal experiences. Not everyone is going to agree on everything within your life. Part of the beauty of being an individual. Sort of like City Slickers. When he asks the cowboy what the secret of life is and the ol' timer holds up his middle finger. It is different for each of us. We are the ones responsible for figuring out what it is. But, embracing it will be what gives us the most happiness. My goal has always been to find true love. The reasons for that do not matter here. I have made many mistakes as a result. Ones of my own choosing. This does including relocating because of a relationship. Not one of these experiences do I now regret. None of the ones that have ended. Not even for a mere moment. I have definitely discovered how to be a better partner because of the women who have crossed my path. And more importantly, I have learned how to be a better man. If you are willing to relocate because of this woman, then just having the mere thought suggests how important she is to you. There are not that many extraordinary partners out there for us within this world. Some of us crazy souls never even find ours. Perhaps, this person is yours. Life is what we make of it. If we look at it all as positive, then only the best things can happen to us. You do not necessarily have to leave a darn thing behind if it is all secondary. If you know this is the woman you want to be with, and she is your secret in life, then you take the next damn plane out to the Paradise City area, hug the crap out of this woman the second you see her, and never let go. And, you do all you can to make her feel like the most loved woman in the entire world. Every single day of your lives. Not because of it being her birthday or a happy holiday. But, because of it being another day together. Sure, the changes may cause some issues. Not all in life is perfectly planned and there are few times which are always the right ones. But, you know what? Another career step will find you in California. An amazing place to live will belong to you once again. You will find friends out there just as in New York. Your true friends back East will never really leave you. What you will never find another of is this specific woman. There is only one of her. Who knows what the coming days and months will bring you should you stay apart? Take advantage of this moment in time that you have been blessed with and go get the woman of your dreams. So, let's say you do this and it does not work out. Nothing is ever a guarantee in life. With the exception of death and taxes! I think that the negative we tend to go through has the chance to help us appreciate the positive even more. The individual challenges we encounter only help make us stronger. If New York continues to be your home, you may look back later on and have regrets. By being proactive, it is going after life instead of letting it have the pleasure of come to you. If you look at this 'adventure' as a positive one, then nothing negative can come out of it in the end. Sure, I am a hopeless romantic. But, I also believe that sometimes you just have to take a chance. Without some who wander through this crazy journey called life being so bold, then nothing would ever actually be accomplished. Edited June 27, 2014 by thekid36 1
Author Fondue Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Hi everyone! Thanks for all your replies last week. Sorry I couldn't get back this thread earlier. As soon as I gotten home from work, I had to run out and spent the rest of the weekend with the lady. I really, really appreciate the input. It gave me a lot to think about so far. I'm gonna try and answer some of these questions that you guys asked about: I think many of you pointed out that I should try an LDR. I really, really don't want. I don't know if I can even survive it. I never really cared about people very much. So I never "missed" them. This one is different. I dropped her home last night and I already kind of miss her this morning! I'd be pining pretty quick, I think. This would lead to a few issues. Also, I'm a pretty sexual person. I want "it." I cannot fully say I trust MYSELF (I trust her) to not want to go out there and find "something." THat's just being honest. Yes, I'm an RN. SO I can probably get a job pretty quickly. I am currently awaiting to get my California license and apply for jobs this summer. I did tell her that I will only go if I have a job setup already. It makes zero sense for me to move out without any $$$ flowing in. With that said, it seems like a lot of RN jobs in NYC are being cut (a lot of my coworkers were laid off this year) due to Obama care and lack of funding in certain aspects of health care (public health is my field), is there such a problem in California? I thought there was... Yah, I know that NYC is the "mecca" of women and I'm fortunate that I live here... But I dunno if I in any mode to "look" for another woman right now. I'm happy with the one I have. I do once in a while gander at another lady, maybe even check her out, but then I remember the one I have... And that makes me smile. So I dunno. As far as what she thinks about it... She is thrilled at the prospect of "us" moving out there together. She's excited that it is a possibility. It makes her happy. I can tell by the way she looks at me when we approach the subject. It makes her bright. WHen she first got accepted to the school, I told her not to consider me in weighing her options of where she wants to go and just follow her gut. She eventually made up her mind and chose LA. So when she approached the subject, she sadly mentioned that "it will only be two years, and we can visit each other very frequently," but the following day I said what about doing it "together?" She light up and told me that's what she had hoped I would consider. So I think she is definitely up for it.. She intends to move back to NYC after she's done with school. SHe wants to work here. I don't think we're destined to live out there permanently. Or that she is destined to live out there permanently, I should say. We did though joke around that maybe we'll take a trip to San Francisco and accidentally fall in love with it and just stay. I never been there (nor has she), but we keep hearing EVERYONE say it's just some magical place that people don't want to leave. Hahah. I did hear that LA is much different from NYC. I am prepared for that. Part of me is excited about the prospect of moving over because it WILL be different. A different experience. New experience. My favorite thing to do is travel. I go to different cities all over the world several times a year just to "experience" them. I love exploring, seeing, doing. I think I might get a kick out of the west coast for a bit. To finish up, after spending this weekend with her (we spend every weekend together, but this one was a different), I think I really do want to go out there with her. SHe revealed to me Friday night that I am no longer "just" her boyfriend, but also her "best friend." I told her that I always "flew" alone and am the only pilot of my ship, but she finished that thought up that eventually, she hopes to be my "co-pilot." I guess she feels strongly about me. I feel strongly about her. Maybe it's worth it. Thanks for reading again, guys. And thanks for your replies. I honestly appreciate all your input. You guys listened to be vent a few times now over the course of a few years, read my threads, and learned about some of my antics. I'm always happy to read your thoughts. 1
Els Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Okay, if you really feel that you want to take the risk and move with her, then by all means do so. We're all different, so you have to choose the path that you feel would work best for you. Good luck with your job applications, hopefully one works out.
BikerAccnt Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I've often felt, I don't regret the things I've done (well, other than my DUI), but the things I've not done. If you love her take the chance. It may work, hopefully it will. But if it doesn't, you'll have followed your heart. And that, in my opinion, is never a bad thing. 2
Emilia Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I agree that LDR would be a bad idea too, especially after seeing someone so frequently. I haven't seen any comments on California on this thread, or maybe I skimmed too fast. I've been to both the East and West Coasts of the US and they are so different, they are also the best parts, in my opinion. I think living in Cali for a while would be fun. You ARE young. Just sort out that sublet.
HappyLove Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Hi everyone! Thanks for all your replies last week. Sorry I couldn't get back this thread earlier. As soon as I gotten home from work, I had to run out and spent the rest of the weekend with the lady. I really, really appreciate the input. It gave me a lot to think about so far. I'm gonna try and answer some of these questions that you guys asked about: I think many of you pointed out that I should try an LDR. I really, really don't want. I don't know if I can even survive it. I never really cared about people very much. So I never "missed" them. This one is different. I dropped her home last night and I already kind of miss her this morning! I'd be pining pretty quick, I think. This would lead to a few issues. Also, I'm a pretty sexual person. I want "it." I cannot fully say I trust MYSELF (I trust her) to not want to go out there and find "something." THat's just being honest. Yes, I'm an RN. SO I can probably get a job pretty quickly. I am currently awaiting to get my California license and apply for jobs this summer. I did tell her that I will only go if I have a job setup already. It makes zero sense for me to move out without any $$$ flowing in. With that said, it seems like a lot of RN jobs in NYC are being cut (a lot of my coworkers were laid off this year) due to Obama care and lack of funding in certain aspects of health care (public health is my field), is there such a problem in California? I thought there was... Yah, I know that NYC is the "mecca" of women and I'm fortunate that I live here... But I dunno if I in any mode to "look" for another woman right now. I'm happy with the one I have. I do once in a while gander at another lady, maybe even check her out, but then I remember the one I have... And that makes me smile. So I dunno. As far as what she thinks about it... She is thrilled at the prospect of "us" moving out there together. She's excited that it is a possibility. It makes her happy. I can tell by the way she looks at me when we approach the subject. It makes her bright. WHen she first got accepted to the school, I told her not to consider me in weighing her options of where she wants to go and just follow her gut. She eventually made up her mind and chose LA. So when she approached the subject, she sadly mentioned that "it will only be two years, and we can visit each other very frequently," but the following day I said what about doing it "together?" She light up and told me that's what she had hoped I would consider. So I think she is definitely up for it.. She intends to move back to NYC after she's done with school. SHe wants to work here. I don't think we're destined to live out there permanently. Or that she is destined to live out there permanently, I should say. We did though joke around that maybe we'll take a trip to San Francisco and accidentally fall in love with it and just stay. I never been there (nor has she), but we keep hearing EVERYONE say it's just some magical place that people don't want to leave. Hahah. I did hear that LA is much different from NYC. I am prepared for that. Part of me is excited about the prospect of moving over because it WILL be different. A different experience. New experience. My favorite thing to do is travel. I go to different cities all over the world several times a year just to "experience" them. I love exploring, seeing, doing. I think I might get a kick out of the west coast for a bit. To finish up, after spending this weekend with her (we spend every weekend together, but this one was a different), I think I really do want to go out there with her. SHe revealed to me Friday night that I am no longer "just" her boyfriend, but also her "best friend." I told her that I always "flew" alone and am the only pilot of my ship, but she finished that thought up that eventually, she hopes to be my "co-pilot." I guess she feels strongly about me. I feel strongly about her. Maybe it's worth it. Thanks for reading again, guys. And thanks for your replies. I honestly appreciate all your input. You guys listened to be vent a few times now over the course of a few years, read my threads, and learned about some of my antics. I'm always happy to read your thoughts. Maybe I missed it but I don't see anywhere that you love this girl. Reading this it sounds like your mind is already made up. Good luck to you and aren't parents always right? It will be an adventure.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 (edited) At your age I honestly wouldn't go with a LDR unless you had to, you're a big enough boy to move out or go where you want to, you have a job and a career you're not just depending on your parents or stuck working at the gas station or Mcdonalds. The question is; should you? Nah, probably not based on a number of factors...but you could anyway, worse ideas have been done before in the history of dating and relationships and it's not a terrible idea in terms of personal life/adventure, but when people do move in together under circumstances like these, they can be a real challenge as a couple. One reason it's not very wise is because you've never lived with each other, never really had to go with the day to day life and I think that's a huge compatibility factor there...I think it's the little things that can become big things when you live together, those little nuances and what not can actually cause a lot of stress and discomfort and she's already going to have to adjust...so along with you both adjusting to a new environment you're also going to be adjusting to each other (and I wonder what your relationship experience is at this point), as well as your new jobs/school and everything else, you're going to find out how quick you really work together when you're dependent on one another and that might be a better lesson learned under different circumstances and pressure. Without any friends and family to even get a break from, the world might shrink down on you more than you realize quite fast. You've also only been together a year, IMO that's still the honeymoon phase, especially without living together...the first year should be relatively easy, as well as the second year...because problems are still being overlooked and downplayed because you're focused on the emotions of it all and she's still in chase mode. But once those emotions come down a bit, she's much more secure in the relationship and you start dealing with real life, as your normal selves instead of your newly wed behavior, that's when the relationship really starts. I know you're all excited and being all idealistic about it, but take a pause and think about what you're doing for a second. The more important factor to me from your point of view is what do you have to lose. Sure you might be able to get a job in California, but does that affect your seniority? I'm betting it does, so whatever advancement you could have made will be thwarted with the move but that's just the job...what about the apartment you're paying for and renting, is it realistic for you to find renters and someone to rent to the place to that you trust? have you done this before? Do you have someone close by to represent you in case something goes wrong? I understand being a hopeless romantic at all, but sacrificing everything for that is almost always a bad idea. There's a high probability that this will not work out in my book, so whether you're convinced at this point or not, at least do yourself the favor of making a plan B...If I were you, I'd even consider getting my own apartment in LA if you do move, that would be a much better idea IMO and will give you a much better chance to adjust...if she decides to stay with you most of the time anyway, so be it...but just don't make that immediate transition, you can actually do more damage and ruin a good thing, rather than just taking things step by step. If things go bad, you can always go back...that's not a huge deal, but you could also try visiting her from NY and going around town and seeing what day to day life would kind of feel like, take the buses, the metro-link, and all of that...and imagine yourself going through that everyday, there's a lot of hospitals here too, so you could work in a number of places and you will almost definitely need a car, it's pretty much a necessity out here. And remember, visiting a place is one thing, living there is a whole other situation. At the end of traveling, you get to come back home. Edited July 1, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 When I was 21, I followed my then boyfriend out to CA. The relationship turned out to be a complete disaster, but I never regretted making the trip. In spite of the fact that my work is infinitely harder to find than an RN's these days... I did find an amazing job shortly after arriving. We had lots of adventures over there. Some together. Some on our own. The experience made me feel resilient and strong... No regrets. If you love to travel and explore I see no reason not to give this a shot. If nothing else, she would be a great travel companion and someone to share the adventure with... Even if for a little while.
carhill Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I also own my own apartment (not rent). So I would be leaving that behind. I am probably able to find someone to sublease my place, but there are some strict guidelines in my building and I might have to do it "illegally," which I am not a fan of. As a practical matter, that's worth investigating, since you have a capital investment at stake. Crunch the numbers on that, relevant to your carrying costs versus the income from a lease versus managing the apartment long-distance or paying to have it managed. I wouldn't view it as a deciding factor but IMO it's an important one, considering it currently is part of your investment in your future and respecting that relationships can come and go. All else being equal, I'd tend to align with the 'go for it' vote, in that, with a mobile career and being in your 20's and unmarried, you're at a very flexible point in life and such adventures can add valuable life experience, as well as be fodder for wonderful life memories. Good luck!
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