Lost and Hurting

[Angelita]

I will be the first to admit I have know idea what my hubby is feeling or thinking. All I have is what I see and to me he looks happy. I could be wrong and he's just as unhappy as I am. Only he knows.

 

If your asking how would I feel if he was the one having the affair. I kind of already answered that question I think. Part me a would feel hurt and I guess the normal feeling one feels when her husband cheat on her. I kind of would be relived too.

 

If turns out he's unhappy it wouldn't be upset. Part me feels like it would be good that way be both have a reason to fix what's wrong. I feel that if he happy he would be less motivated to help fix the problems we have. Given the fact he is happy why would he want change anything

 

I doubt my husband cheating. I just don't see him doing that but then again I never thought I would either. So who knows. What i do know is if he were to find out about my affair he would of done or said something by now. Personally I don't think he's cheating. He might not want to spend any alone time with me but he still spends a lot of with me and out daughter. He hasn't really done anything to make think he cheating.

[FusionCutter]

I will be the first to admit I have know idea what my hubby is feeling or thinking. All I have is what I see and to me he looks happy. I could be wrong and he's just as unhappy as I am. Only he knows.

 

If your asking how would I feel if he was the one having the affair. I kind of already answered that question I think. Part me a would feel hurt and I guess the normal feeling one feels when her husband cheat on her. I kind of would be relived too.

 

If turns out he's unhappy it wouldn't be upset. Part me feels like it would be good that way be both have a reason to fix what's wrong. I feel that if he happy he would be less motivated to help fix the problems we have. Given the fact he is happy why would he want change anything

 

I doubt my husband cheating. I just don't see him doing that but then again I never thought I would either. So who knows. What i do know is if he were to find out about my affair he would of done or said something by now. Personally I don't think he's cheating. He might not want to spend any alone time with me but he still spends a lot of with me and out daughter. He hasn't really done anything to make think he cheating.

 

I'm sure if your husband was talking to his best friend about you, he would say the same thing about you. You're abusing his trust. Can you see this??

 

Obviously appearances aren't what they seem if you have this entire secret thing on the side.

 

You know the right thing you have to do. Honour and respect him. He's your husband for pete's sake. Don't make yourself and make him live a lie. He's living a lie and he doesn't even know it. If you respect and care for him at all, that alone should be enough to stop your own selfish desires. Be a good wife and a respectable human being and deal with this appropriately.

Edited October 29, 2014 by FusionCutter

[anika99]

I will be the first to admit I have know idea what my hubby is feeling or thinking. All I have is what I see and to me he looks happy. I could be wrong and he's just as unhappy as I am. Only he knows.

 

If your asking how would I feel if he was the one having the affair. I kind of already answered that question I think. Part me a would feel hurt and I guess the normal feeling one feels when her husband cheat on her. I kind of would be relived too.

 

If turns out he's unhappy it wouldn't be upset. Part me feels like it would be good that way be both have a reason to fix what's wrong. I feel that if he happy he would be less motivated to help fix the problems we have. Given the fact he is happy why would he want change anything

 

I doubt my husband cheating. I just don't see him doing that but then again I never thought I would either. So who knows. What i do know is if he were to find out about my affair he would of done or said something by now. Personally I don't think he's cheating. He might not want to spend any alone time with me but he still spends a lot of with me and out daughter. He hasn't really done anything to make think he cheating.

 

 

The above bolded is actually a really good point. You want your husband to fix the marriage but you won't tell him how broken the marriage really is. This is very deceitful and manipulative of you. How about you tell your husband that you have been cheating. That will give him all the reason he needs to make changes. That may be fixing the marriage or it may be ending the marriage but either way at least something will change and that change will be authentic and truthful.

[beach]

As far as ending it being hard - the things I'm proud of in my life have never been easy. I get proud of myself when I accomplish the difficult things.

 

It won't be easy but it will be worth it to restore your peace of mind.

[Angelita]

I won't be telling my husband about my affair. What good could really come from doing that. It might end my marriage and it will definitely hurt my husband. Why would put through that pain for. It's better he not know that way he won't end up being hurt because of my stupid and selfish mistakes. I don't see that as being manipulative. Deceitful maybe but not manipulative.

 

Beside telling him is only going to cause us more problems. We already have a lot of problems what's the point of adding to those. Why not try to fix the one we have and try to find that happy place again.

[DKT3]

I won't be telling my husband about my affair. What good could really come from doing that. It might end my marriage and it will definitely hurt my husband. Why would put through that pain for. It's better he not know that way he won't end up being hurt because of my stupid and selfish mistakes. I don't see that as being manipulative. Deceitful maybe but not manipulative.

 

Beside telling him is only going to cause us more problems. We already have a lot of problems what's the point of adding to those. Why not try to fix the one we have and try to find that happy place again.

 

Its manipulation at its highest form, right next to telling a man he is the father when you know he isn't.

 

As you said it could end your marriage, but don't you think he has the right to decide? Don't you think he deserves to know who he is married to?

 

You avoided this question last time but its a very important. Say your husband after a week decides he wants to have three romantic nights a week, which is your claim to have lead to the affair, how does that change the fact that your "in love" with another man? It won't make that go away.

 

In my own situation I divorced my WW. We are together again now after 5 years. None of this would be possible if we hadn't dealt/dealing with the issue that lead to the affair AND the issue before the affair. ALL of the issue. Your secret is a time bomb. You could be 5 10 years down the road then boom. So many viables, so much out of your control.

 

Really this is continues affair behavior to say "what good would it do" the good is no matter the outcome you gave him the option, that is the loving thing to do. Were you really that concerned with his pain you would be in this position. a drunken ONS is one thing, making the decision to be unfaithful EVERYDAY for a year is on another planet.

 

This secret will eat at you and will most likely just prolong his pain and end in divorce anyways.

[FusionCutter]

DKT3, what's wrong with her keeping the secret to the grave and chalking it up to a year of bad behavior, in the best interests of her family?

[anika99]

I won't be telling my husband about my affair. What good could really come from doing that. It might end my marriage and it will definitely hurt my husband. Why would put through that pain for. It's better he not know that way he won't end up being hurt because of my stupid and selfish mistakes. I don't see that as being manipulative. Deceitful maybe but not manipulative.

 

Beside telling him is only going to cause us more problems. We already have a lot of problems what's the point of adding to those. Why not try to fix the one we have and try to find that happy place again.

 

Because you are the one saying that he lacks the reason or motivation to fix the marriage and you are the one who can give him the reason and motivation by telling him the truth. You are a selfishly withholding the information from him and then blaming him for not knowing how much trouble the marriage is in. If you aren't going to let him in on his own marriage then don't complain because he isn't fixing problems he doesn't even know he has.

[Angelita]

Not even close sorry but making my man rise kid or telling him the kid his when it not does not compare to infidelity.

 

Ok so say my husband starts to do everything that I want, need and we do go on a romantic trip yeah that won't change the way I feel but it would help me forget him. So no a trip won't make that go away. Telling won't make me forget about him either.

 

I don't understand why I can't work my issues that lead to my affair by myself without my husband. Reveling I had a affair is only going hurt my and possibly destroy my family. Nothing good can from that.

 

I can't understand how telling him about my affair will motivate him to fix the marriage. I can see it doing the complete opposite.

 

I talked to my hubby tonight about maybe doing marriage counseling again. He's not really into idea but he would go if I pay for. He's not willing to pay for it again since he believes I didn't helps at out. I want to get us back on track I just don't see how to do it.

[FusionCutter]

Not even close sorry but making my man rise kid or telling him the kid his when it not does not compare to infidelity.

 

Ok so say my husband starts to do everything that I want, need and we do go on a romantic trip yeah that won't change the way I feel but it would help me forget him. So no a trip won't make that go away. Telling won't make me forget about him either.

 

I don't understand why I can't work my issues that lead to my affair by myself without my husband. Reveling I had a affair is only going hurt my and possibly destroy my family. Nothing good can from that.

 

I can't understand how telling him about my affair will motivate him to fix the marriage. I can see it doing the complete opposite.

 

I talked to my hubby tonight about maybe doing marriage counseling again. He's not really into idea but he would go if I pay for. He's not willing to pay for it again since he believes I didn't helps at out. I want to get us back on track I just don't see how to do it.

 

What are you going to do with your MM?

[DKT3]

DKT3, what's wrong with her keeping the secret to the grave and chalking it up to a year of bad behavior, in the best interests of her family?

 

Maybe she could. Its highly doubtful here for several reason. 1) she is blame shifting. Its his fault. 2) she isn't going to actually end the affair 3) it won't force her to actually deal with her issues 4) the guilt is eatting at her now, it won't get better. Even if by some act of a higher being she ends it her guilt will grow.

 

Affair thrive on darkness and secrets. Even if the affair is ended it will continue to be a wedge. Any time husband does something to piss her off she can retreat back to this affair. Everytime she does that she get farther away from her husband.

[DKT3]

DKT3, what's wrong with her keeping the secret to the grave and chalking it up to a year of bad behavior, in the best interests of her family?

 

Not even close sorry but making my man rise kid or telling him the kid his when it not does not compare to infidelity.

 

Ok so say my husband starts to do everything that I want, need and we do go on a romantic trip yeah that won't change the way I feel but it would help me forget him. So no a trip won't make that go away. Telling won't make me forget about him either.

 

I don't understand why I can't work my issues that lead to my affair by myself without my husband. Reveling I had a affair is only going hurt my and possibly destroy my family. Nothing good can from that.

 

I can't understand how telling him about my affair will motivate him to fix the marriage. I can see it doing the complete opposite.

 

I talked to my hubby tonight about maybe doing marriage counseling again. He's not really into idea but he would go if I pay for. He's not willing to pay for it again since he believes I didn't helps at out. I want to get us back on track I just don't see how to do it.

 

So its pretty clear you simply don't get it. Being cheated on sucks. In this situation not only do you not respect your husband enough to remain faithful, you don't respect him enough to think he will put it all together at some point.

 

BTW I have had both. At 16 a girl got pregnant told me it was mine and for the 9 mo I thought it was mine. I was there when the baby was born and for the next four months I thought he was mine. She became difficult and we took legal actions. This is when she told me the baby wasn't mine. Later test also proven it to be the case.

 

In my 30's my wife had an affair. The pain of both were horrible. You have no clue.

 

I'm done here, I wish you the best of luck.

[Angelita]

I haven't really figured out what I'm going to do with my mm yet I kind hope I wake up one day and forget about him. I have to do something cause he keeps calling and texting me. I know I will have to answer sooner or later.

 

I already said I don't blame my husband for my affair. That's all on me not him. I'm already trying to put a end to the affair. I haven't contacted the mm in almost a week now. still don't understand how telling him is going to make deal with the issues I have anymore then I already am. The guilt is bothering me and it is getting worse. It just what I have to live with now. Yes telling my husband could relive some of thar guilt but at his expense and I'm doing that to him.

 

I know how bad cheating is I was once cheated on. I know much it hurts. Honestly I wish he would have never told me he had. This another relationship I had before I meet husband.

 

Sorry for what happened to you at 16 that must of been hard. Although I still stand by what I said.

[DKT3]

I haven't really figured out what I'm going to do with my mm yet I kind hope I wake up one day and forget about him. I have to do something cause he keeps calling and texting me. I know I will have to answer sooner or later.

 

I already said I don't blame my husband for my affair. That's all on me not him. I'm already trying to put a end to the affair. I haven't contacted the mm in almost a week now. still don't understand how telling him is going to make deal with the issues I have anymore then I already am. The guilt is bothering me and it is getting worse. It just what I have to live with now. Yes telling my husband could relive some of thar guilt but at his expense and I'm doing that to him.

 

I know how bad cheating is I was once cheated on. I know much it hurts. Honestly I wish he would have never told me he had. This another relationship I had before I meet husband.

 

Sorry for what happened to you at 16 that must of been hard. Although I still stand by what I said.

 

I know I said I was done but I'll give it another try.

 

You know what it feels like to be cheated on, then you do it to your husband?

 

Myth, telling relieves guilt. Maybe a little at first. Then comes more guilt and shame as you see the pain, dissappointment and have to deal with the anger. Now let's get honest for a second, your not wanting to confess has very little to do with your husbands pain and more to do with you have to deal with the fallout of your actions. You mentioned he would likely divorce you and rip your family apart. No, your affair is what will do that, confessing takes away your control. Right now your holding your husband hostage with being a fake "loving wife" putting no only his emotional well being at risk but also his physical well being.

 

why do you feel you owe the MM more respect then you owe your husband? Your husband is the one your committed to right? Why is it so important to deal with him and not your husband? Why does he deserve to know what's in your head but your husband doesn't? No you owe him nothing, he knows your a married woman, he should also know that its something and can end without notice. You don't need to deal with him. Not calling or returning his calls and texts will send him a clear message. Better yet block him. You won't do any of this, you will justify somehow keeping him in your life, "oh we can be friends". Soon you would be right back at step one, involved in a PA. This is why its important to tell. As long as its a serect its an option.

 

Lastly, how do you fix your marriage if you can't be open and honest with your husband? Fixing your marriage needs both of you to fully understand what's the issues. Both of you have to be on the same team. Right now your on team MM and that's where your loyal. This won't work while your working on the issues you have with him and your sneaking off to be with MM, while leading your husband to believe his issues are why your marriage is broken. As I said before, he could work his a$$ off making it work and you'll still be "in love" with MM making a total fool of your husband. Maybe he would end the marriage, maybe he doesn't. Really its not your decision to make for him, no more then it was his decision to make for you to remain faithful. You made your decision, allow him and trust him to make his decision.

[jellybean89]

DKT,

 

I'm gonna give you a brick wall to bang your head against.

 

OP doesn't get it and has no desire to truly fix herself and/or her marriage, at least from where I am sitting.

[FusionCutter]

DKT,

 

I'm gonna give you a brick wall to bang your head against.

 

OP doesn't get it and has no desire to truly fix herself and/or her marriage, at least from where I am sitting.

 

Give her some credit, I believe she wants to. She already knows she needs to detach from her MM. Believe in the best of people. She's probably confused as hell. People can change.

[Poppy47]

Not even close sorry but making my man rise kid or telling him the kid his when it not does not compare to infidelity.

 

Ok so say my husband starts to do everything that I want, need and we do go on a romantic trip yeah that won't change the way I feel but it would help me forget him. So no a trip won't make that go away. Telling won't make me forget about him either.

 

I don't understand why I can't work my issues that lead to my affair by myself without my husband. Reveling I had a affair is only going hurt my and possibly destroy my family. Nothing good can from that.

 

I can't understand how telling him about my affair will motivate him to fix the marriage. I can see it doing the complete opposite.

 

I talked to my hubby tonight about maybe doing marriage counseling again. He's not really into idea but he would go if I pay for. He's not willing to pay for it again since he believes I didn't helps at out. I want to get us back on track I just don't see how to do it.

 

Obviously it didn't help out. Perhaps your husbands feels instinctively that you are having an A????

[Angelita]

I have been trying to end my affair for a few days it was going good and I was sticking to NC. The only problem was I never official end the affair with my mom. So throughout the week he would try to text and call me trying to get in contact with me. It’s been hard but I have been able to maintain that was until last Friday I ran into at the local Starbucks. We sat down for a few minutes and I told him I need to end this now. He obviously wasn’t happy about it but understood and we agreed to end the affair.

 

 

 

Well I had a weak moment this morning and broke down and called him on my way to work. The phone call only lasted 10 minutes but afterwards I felt pathetic, ashamed, weak, and stupid and like a complete and utter failure. I couldn't even make it a full week without contacting him. He was very nice to me on the phone...he was glad I called... blah blah blah and how much he needs. But I really let myself down by making that call and I felt literally sick to my stomach afterwards for being so weak. I was talking to my friend about it and she made me feel better by saying "don't look at it as you only made it a week. Look at it as "Wow I made it week! I've never gone that long before!” A part me was like yeah I made it a week I can do this but here I am texting my mm. I wanted cut him out of my life refocus on my marriage but I failed miserably.

 

 

 

I’m so confused I know what I have to do and I wish it was easy but it’s not

[Decisiontomake]

The simple fact is no it's not easy. Sometimes there's an epiphany moment which allows the ties to be broken, but even then that can weaken over time when the missing of the MM starts etc. I agree with your friend though - I too have made it a week now - longer than I've ever done in the last 2.5 years. I feel sad, empowered, lonely, strong, indifferent - all in the course of a five minute period! I set myself back this morning by looking at his wife's FB - I'm not friends with her on there - but she'd changed her profile pic to them at a Halloween party kissing so obviously that was this last weekend. Has totally set me back - shouldn't have looked - I know that! What I'm saying is it sucks yes, but you're not alone.

[Clay]

Separate from your H. Take time to figure out you. If you can't be honest to your husband at least let him go so you can work on the relationship with the OM.

 

I am a BS so yea I am mostly about being honest but I also see that WS do have problems they need to work on you.

 

There is nothing wrong with being alone for a while and working on you. People these days seem to loose sight of this. If things are not meant to be for you and your H then so be it. You will be much happier and healthier in the end if you take care of yourself.

 

Clay

[Darren Steez]

I've seen in your other thread you have refused to tell your husband. So this scenario where you try to break contact with OM but "fail" is likely to continue.

 

What incentive do you both have to stop? The thrill of these secret calls and meet ups, the highs you get from them versus going home and actually facing the problems you and your husband are facing together and actually working on them to build a better marriage, not just for you both but your daughter.

 

Somewhere down the line you're going to have to make a tough call and face up to what is going on either with OM or your husband.

[Be_Strong]

A setback like this is only a failure if you don't learn from it and do better next time. Try to capture what you're feeling right now and the next time you are tempted to call him remember how horrible you felt the last time.

[Khy89]

Hi there.

 

Have you tried completely blocking him so he can't get in touch with you? I think maybe that would be best. As far as being tempted to text him, can you delete his number or do you already have it memorized? please don't think of yourself as a failure, set small goals for yourself like one day at a time. Your friend is very right in pointing out how far you made it and even though you slipped up, you probably didn't think you could make that whole week and you did. So just keep going forward. You can't concern yourself with how your MOM feels...if you really love your husband and want it to work, well then you already half way there to repairing your marriage.

[FusionCutter]

NC is so hard. But like my therapist said. You gotta swallow this glass before you get better. You'll stumble and fail. It's so hard. But you know it's the right thing to do. As in the comments in the other thread, once you successfully push through NC, highly recommend you tell your husband.

[Angelita]

Yeah it isn't easy at all. Me too during the week I felt like I was the one in control. I think it all started when i saw him it brought back all of those feelings back.

 

I won't be telling my husband or separating from my husband. I do have my issues. I didn't want to admit it but something as to be wrong I just don't know that is yet.

 

I have a lot of incentive too stop the big being I really do want to fix my marriage to what it was.

 

I haven't blocked his number but I do think that's something I shouldn't done already. I actually never saved his number I already memorized it its a pretty easy number to memorize. We also use a lot of texting apps so going to delete those. It's so hard I can't understand why I love this man so much I am literally crazy about him but I have to break is off.