He said I am not wife material

[preraph]

I think he meant you are not Stepford Wife material. Hey, you dodged a bullet. This guy is mainly looking for a maid and bottle washer. I get that there's a lot of conventional guys still out there, but times are changing. I have a friend stuck with one of them and he is never happy and no help at all. If you wanted to be a maid, you would go get a job doing that. I hardly do any housework at all and I pretty much make my own schedule. If you are careful not to only date conventional guys, this won't be as big of a problem. I did lose one who wanted kids, but other than that, most of my unconventional guys never said a word about anything like that, were thrilled when and if I cooked something, etc. Now, I'm not a pig. I don't leave things laying around the house, but neither do keep all the dust up, etc.

 

If two people are making enough money, I would encourage them to hire the housework done and never fight over it again because it truly ruins a lot of otherwise okay marriages. I do admire those who can equitable divide the housework, but boy is that rare.

 

You are who you are. He wants a Stepford Wife. Leave him to it. You are not a bad person. You are a person with better things to do.

[Gloria25]

I think he meant you are not Stepford Wife material.

 

So, looking pretty for your man, presenting him with a nice meal and keeping a clean home is a "Stepford Wife"?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not bringing a maid into my house. No woman's gonna do for my man what I should be doing.

 

I mean, I've never married and probably never will (lol)...and I work(ed) full time, went to school, etc. But, I still enjoy(ed) cooking and keeping a tidy home.

 

I love(d) inviting family over and serving a meal. I think "motherly" is in the biology...like dogs just have natural instincts to do certain things. I enjoy "nurturing" my family members.

 

Now it's just me and mom and I still do my best to make sure there's food on the table. I even get up early sometimes and cook so she can have something to take to work instead of buying food. That's what you do when you care about others...I'm not bringing a cook, maid, or prostitute to handle what I should be handling.

 

Now, if your husband "expects" you to work and "pay your half of the bills"...ok, then I guess we'll be eating out, a maid or he can wash his draws, and he can go get a mistress or hooker - cuz it IS difficult for a woman to be a full-time worker and juggle a house, kids, and/or husband.

[serial muse]

My argument is that he could have just said "I'm looking for someone who would prioritize keeping house, because I do" rather than "you seem lazy and unmotivated" and "not motherly". Yeah, I think that makes him kind of jerky.

 

If he had made it about different priorities and stuck to "I" statements, no complaints. Making it a judgment of another person (the "you" statements) is where it zips over into jerky territory.

 

And yes, now they are both free to find someone more suitable. And she has a bunch of new furnishings on her credit card that she probably didn't really want but felt panicked into buying.

Edited October 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
deleted quoted reference as argumentative.

[Gloria25]

Now, there are times that cooking gets old...sometimes I'll be like "eh, let's just have a hamburger, cup o'noodles, or get something out"....

 

Sometimes, there's dirty dishes in the sink....

 

But, I do not live in a "messy" home and/or have me or my family on some "take-out diet"...

[heartshaped]

So, looking pretty for your man, presenting him with a nice meal and keeping a clean home is a "Stepford Wife"?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not bringing a maid into my house. No woman's gonna do for my man what I should be doing.

 

This isn't the fifties.

 

Meanwhile, I'm guessing OP's ex can't boil water.

 

I hate stereotypes. Men and women should be able to be who they want to be.

 

OP, be yourself. Find a man that loves you for you. All of these posters are jumping down your throat about cooking (FYI the OP never said she couldn't cook just that she wasn't the greatest) and cleaning and all this domestic bull. Look if that isn't you that isn't you.

 

I have rarely dated a man that was able to do more than microwave a frozen dinner or grill some food on the grill. Does that bother me? No, because being able to cook is not a criteria that I'm looking for in a spouse. I'd much rather he treat me well than he be able to cook a five course meal.

 

In life and in dating, there will always be criteria. You aren't always going to meet everyone's criteria nor will everyone meet yours. It sucks sometimes, but that's what it is.

 

Instead of trying to change who you are for someone who is no longer in your life, I would focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be. What does that mean? Work on improving yourself in the areas of your life that mean something to you and are important to you.

[Natsu21]

I suck at cooking, but I try to do it sometimes anyway because like they said, it saves money and it can be fun. I'm preparing myself in case I stay single for the rest of my life.

 

You're fine just the way you are, OP. But if you wanna learn some new skills, nothing wrong with it.

 

You can always learn these skills, like cooking and stuff on your own time. Heck, I'd think it'd be fun I could learn with a beautiful female.

 

You interested? LOL.

[d0nnivain]

How about if you have no interest in those things? Those are your goals.

 

I'd rather get take out, hire a Housekeeper & not have kids.

 

That may not make me everybody's ideal wife but have to be true to myself.

Edited October 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Cleaned up for quoted reference.

[CharlieFox]

How about if you have no interest in those things?

 

Then you find someone who is okay with that.

[Natsu21]

You don't want to be doing everything in your power to try to turn yourself into a housewife for a man that could very well dump you as he pleases, and you powerless to stop it.

 

Any woman who lives her life trying to trap a man will have more trouble finding a man than a woman who naturally is herself.

 

It's the 21st century, men and women can do anything they want. Cook,clean, whatever. So if you don't know how to cook, trust me, there are other things you can bring to the table. Don't sweat it.

Edited October 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Moderated out quote as thread-jack material.

[WhatIsLove2014]

Then you find someone who is okay with that.

 

I agree. If that's not who you are, then stay true to that. If you see that maybe you should change it, then change it...for you. Don't change for a guy if YOU don't really want to.

[Fondue]

Not sure why people are harping on the guy for being honest.

 

Think of it this way. He knows what he wants and he didn't drag out this relationship for months on end before he got the balls to break it off with you.

 

You were only dating for two months. This was enough time for him to realize you're not what he's looking for (which is perfectly acceptable), and he ended the relationship. You could have been dating him for 2 years and then he dumped you for the same reason. At least you got it over with quickly, without wasting your time.

 

THis is similar if you were dating a man that you found didn't meet your standards in a certain way. Would you expect him to complain about you to a board of strangers for something like this?

 

I give this guy credit. He knows what he wants and he didn't lead you on. I think that's commendable. Many men (and women) wouldn't be able to do that.

 

This is regardless of what you think of "stereotypes." This is just in general.

[isisisweeping]

There is NOTHING wrong with you.

 

There is nothing wrong with him, either. What you two were looking for was not compatible. He prized qualities that were not your qualities. Doesn't mean your qualities are worse or something you need to change about yourself, just different.

[Raena]

This kind of makes me laugh because when I was single, living in a 1br apt.... I was a slob, never cooked and slept as long as I wanted on the weekends. It was, by no means, an indication of the future. I just happened to not really give a crap when it was just me with no responsibilities. Did I clean up sometimes, sure I did... but it wasn't my main priority.

 

Now that I'm a mom my house is as clean as I can get it 99% of the time. I cook regularly and I never get to sleep in. I say.... enjoy your freedom to do as you choose while you have it! And forget about him. If he really liked you, he would have looked past those things.

[d0nnivain]

The OP dated a guy who had certain expectations that he is entitled to have. She didn't fit HIS idea of a good wife & he had every right to bail. I gave him credit for doing so early rather than dragging it out.

 

The OP the nevertheless has taken the opinion of one man & turned it into gospel which is now making her depressed. That is unfortunate & wrong. No one person has the right to let another person tell them how to live their life.

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted reference of disruptive thread-jack from other member

[BeholdtheMan]

Your self-worth isn't determined by some guy's opinion of you...it's determined by how you think of yourself

 

With that said, at least this guy didn't bull**** you. He gave you his presumably honest opinion straight-up, a bit tactlessly but without dancing around the issue.

 

Do you think there's any truth to his assessment? If so, you might want to work on your goals in life.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry to hear this. We've all been there on some level. I don't know you at all based on this post, but honestly people have said the same things to me. And then they end up with some trashy girl who takes advantage of them or treats them just as badly. Not wife material? Well, maybe you're not, but neither are the trashy girls and they want to believe that they are.

 

 

You'll be ok. He's the loser for wanting something else or being wishy washy or whatever else. Chances are he'll say that to the next one as well.

[TigerLilly78]

Yes, bolting earlier when you know it won't work is good. The bad thing is that what he bolted about was quite a dumb reason if you ask me. She could've always learned to cook or whatever he wanted at some point. In my eyes it wasn't a big deal at all. The fact that it was such a deal breaker for him is kind of lame. Like I said originally in this thread, it sounds like he just wanted someone to cook and clean for him. He should just hire a maid.

 

Funny story when my brother married his wife over 20 years ago now maybe she had zero home skills even worse she was a total pig! Their home from the day they moved in together till present day was/is DISGUSTING... to the point of moldy dishes and half eaten food every were.. some women never change and you should not date them/marry them ever thinking they will..call me old fashioned but whats wrong with a man wanting a women to do what women should be able to do anyways?

 

Run the home to some degree and keep it in working order Imo to many women grow up not knowing how to or even worse not caring a lick about the home..im not saying this is the OPs case cause im not there but the guy wasn't totally wrong ether they just weren't meant to be cause they were not the right fit..

[irc333]

There's no point in bettering yourself to become compatible with someone else. I know a lot of women that admittedly say that they not only can't cook, but will not touch it with a 10 foot pole.

 

That's fine by me, because I can cook. ;-) lol

 

But anyways, you need to find a guy that doesn't mind the fact that you don't cook or all the things that he said about you. Just wasn't a right fit.

 

It wan't a wake up call to suddenly learn to cook and keep a clean house.

[Fondue]

It's not the kind of marriage I want but it's his right to want it as long as he is willing to be a provider and play the traditional man's role. I don't see this as any different than woman who want a provider and a traditional man.

 

Probably the smartest thing said in this thread.

 

Would we have the same reaction if a woman dumped a man and her reasoning was, "I don't see him as a provider for my future family." Great question.

[veggirl]

Honestly I *DO* think there is something wrong with someone, man or woman, who has NO domestic skills. I wouldn't date a slobby guy who can'tn cook.

 

He probably gave it a go for 2 months to see if it was just a bad impression, like he was making an excuse for you...well maybe her house is a mess because XYZ but normally she is clean....and then he realized nope, this is how she just is.

[KatZee]

Honestly I *DO* think there is something wrong with someone, man or woman, who has NO domestic skills. I wouldn't date a slobby guy who can'tn cook.

 

He probably gave it a go for 2 months to see if it was just a bad impression, like he was making an excuse for you...well maybe her house is a mess because XYZ but normally she is clean....and then he realized nope, this is how she just is.

 

Likewise. It shows laziness, and lack of pride in oneself and their home. I could never live in filth and I wouldn't date a guy who exhibited these traits. I would not be able to live the rest of my life in a marriage with someone who contributed nothing around the house, couldn't help me cook on occasion or even make ME dinner sometimes.

 

I would wind up becoming a maid, and a mother at the same time and it's really not attractive.

[hotpotato]

I'm sorry---everyone seems focused on what this guy said, as if it were a lightning bolt of truth from the mouth of Zeus.

 

I'm assuming you'd been sleeping with this guy, right? Well, if a man, a good man I should specify, is looking for wife material, he'll ascertain a woman's lifestyle before jumping into bed with her and beginning an emotional journey. That's the role of good hubby material.

 

If this was really about your ability to tie the room together and cook a mouth-watering brisket, I'm betting he would have been looking at those things a lot earlier.

 

My guess is he found other tail to chase.

 

That may sound cruel, but his judging of your life indicates a real douche to me.

 

I hereby dub thee... Bullet Dodger.

 

Truth! He probably just found someone else.

 

Hes probably dating someone else who is messy and not the best cook!

 

He was hard to reach because most likely he was chatting with or going out with other women. If someone drops off the radar suddenly, then comes back and dumps you, they most likely have someone else.

[preraph]

I guess some men will just never understand why women take issue when the man thinks he's too good to do housework but the woman isn't good enough if she doesn't. All I can say is they get what they deserve.

 

And I'd like to point out that just because you don't do housework doesn't mean you're living in filth. I don't mess a house up and leave things laying around. I don't splatter pee around the toilet or throw my socks on the floor or put my muddy boots on the coffee table. I don't leave an empty glass sitting around. I wouldn't even need a maid except I have dogs who shed.

 

I can tell you that there has not been one time when I picked up a guy's socks off the floor or one time that any guy expected me to! I know they're out there, so I have to assume there were some in my old crowds too; but if so, at least they knew it made them look bad and didn't squawk about it out loud. Looking at how prevalent the attitude still is that a woman serves a man, I guess I've been pretty lucky that the guys I liked respected me too much to even begin to think I should be in that subservient position. I'm not a man's mommy. I'm not a man's maid. I've always had better things to do.

[Natsu21]

I'll date a girl that can't cook. Cause you know, cooking isn't a difficult skill. It's just following directions and experimenting. It's not difficult, just time consuming, and with people working 2 to 3 paychecks just to live, that's not always an easy task.

 

There's people who might have a little mess here and there, and there's folks who live in absolute pig styes.

 

Not sure what category OP falls under, but it seems a lot of people like tradition, while I never really cared for it.

[veggirl]

I guess some men will just never understand why women take issue when the man thinks he's too good to do housework but the woman isn't good enough if she doesn't. All I can say is they get what they deserve.

 

And I'd like to point out that just because you don't do housework doesn't mean you're living in filth. I don't mess a house up and leave things laying around. I don't splatter pee around the toilet or throw my socks on the floor or put my muddy boots on the coffee table. I don't leave an empty glass sitting around. I wouldn't even need a maid except I have dogs who shed.

 

I can tell you that there has not been one time when I picked up a guy's socks off the floor or one time that any guy expected me to! I know they're out there, so I have to assume there were some in my old crowds too; but if so, at least they knew it made them look bad and didn't squawk about it out loud. Looking at how prevalent the attitude still is that a woman serves a man, I guess I've been pretty lucky that the guys I liked respected me too much to even begin to think I should be in that subservient position. I'm not a man's mommy. I'm not a man's maid. I've always had better things to do.

 

so dramatic.

 

wanting a partner who is neat, tidy and can cook is not the same as zomg women r maidz!!!