He said I am not wife material

[Emilia]

I agree with those that say you should take this opportunity OP to see whether the guy had a point. Obviously the wedding for him was a cathalyst because it is what he really wants and he was honest with you. So many wouldn't have been taking the easy way out.

 

I don't know how much you earn, if you have trouble with domestic chores, perhaps you could hire some help. If your energy levels are low, get fit. Cooking for yourself and others is a great skill to have, it's something I got into as soon as I moved out a shared house into my own home and could use my own kitchen. You eat so much healthier and the food you really want. You probably look better as well if it isn't just take aways and ready meals all the time.

 

Time to shape up for yourself. Make the best of who you are. Not everyone will accept you but you will know that you are doing the best for yourself.

[Diezel]

5 years ago, I got dumped by a woman in pretty much the same fashion as you OP.

 

At first, I was angry about it because it felt like an insult. How dare she!? It pretty much is an insult but eventually I realized I should take it as constructive criticism.

 

Granted, I never went back and thanked that person for what they said (The hell with them), but I actually appreciate the honesty in hindsight. Was it a little over the top? Maybe. But I appreciate the truth a lot more than a slow fade out of the relationship. Looking back, I could tell that I need a swift kick in my rear.

 

I was told that I was overweight, lacking ambition, terrible sense of style, amongst other things but that at least I was a clean person. Yeah, I felt sooooooooooo much better with that right at the end.

 

5 years later, I changed all of those things around and I am a much better person for someone else.

 

You want to be depressed about it? That's perfectly fine, but turn this negative into a positive and become the person you want to be... become wife material for you, not for the next guy.

 

 

I do just love how a lot of posters jumped down the guys' throat. You guys weren't there, do not know what he said, how he said it or what his expectation of "wife material" is. The things he asks for are not unreasonable. If those are the things that check off the list for him, then that's his right to be that way. I also don't understand the, he didn't want you so he'll probably end up divorced and unhappy. Why? At least the guy knows what he wants. I commend people like him and the woman who dumped me for having the brass balls to tell people to their face what they expect in a partner.

 

I became a better person for it. Hopefully the OP will too.

[Gaeta]

If he cared a little he would have brought up those issues first and not suddenly break up over them. It feels like something happened at the wedding that turned him off to the point of no return.

 

People have different standards of cleanliness. I keep a very clean house but I allow my dog on my living room furniture, for some people it's unacceptable, those people and I simply don't date.

[No Limit]

Sorry you fell for a douchebag who doesn't know the difference between a housemaid and a wife.

[CharlieFox]

I see nothing mean about what he said, or anything that implies that he's a douchebag or whatever.

 

I take a good care of my home, I know how to cook well (I actually enjoy it a lot), I keep my house clean and rarely let it out of order, so I don't need a woman to do all these things to me, but I want a woman who also does these things and not a messy one. It wouldn't bother me THAT much if we're just casually dating or anything, but if I am looking for wife material (like this guy apparently), then I will not compromise about these things and will be honest and straight-forward with the person about why I think we're not a match.

 

OP, don't sit around being depressed about it, look on the bright side - you can only improve yourself now and become a better person as a whole. Take note about these things, improve in these areas and you might even enjoy the new you even more than you think. Take it as a blessing in disguise.

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed counter-productive reference and personalized content

[mammasita]

**** that dude. Honey, who cares if you can't cook or clean. There's a man out there that will accept you for you and will be happy to cook you breakfast in bed on the weekends so you can sleep in.

[BluEyeL]

I agree there are two issues here. First, you didn't lose anything. You two weren't compatible, that's all. If he is looking for a wife who is going to stir in a pot and clean up all the time, and you're not that woman (even if you do better in that area, that's not your calling), you'd be miserable with him, because he'd demand those things you are not into and eventually you'd fight about it.

 

On the other hand, you can also use this as incentive to do a little better on that front. Keep the house clean, at least reasonably clean. There are different levels of messy. When you get visitors, make sure it looks really nice. It matters for your image. You can learn how to cook here and there, don't turn into Martha Stewart, but improve some of your skills. It couldn't hurt. Not for this guy, but for self-improvement. We all can always improve a little. He was too blunt, but in the end it's better to know how we are perceived. I would like to know. It wouldn't make me feel good, but I know I can do better in some areas and I'd like to know.

 

I like to clean and I like to cook. I work full time and I have my son full time. I put time into my son (homework, activities), I cook dinner from scratch for him every day (simple things, but no frozen stuff), I tidy up every day, and I clean my house every Saturday morning. But the house is too big and I don't have enough time to do a thorough job, so I also hire a cleaning lady twice a month. I see it as buying time to be social and spend time with my son. If you have a job and can afford it, you could hire someone to come and clean once a month at least and you can just do maintenance in the meantime. That way, when someone visits, the bathrooms and floors are not filthy.

 

Sorry you're hurting. This wasn't your man. Your man will love you the way you are. If you improve, do it for you and don't aim to be what you can't be.

Edited October 23, 2014 by BluEyeL

[Toodaloo]

I take a good care of my home, I know how to cook well (I actually enjoy it a lot), I keep my house clean and rarely let it out of order, so I don't need a woman to do all these things to me, but I want a woman who also does these things and not a messy one. It wouldn't bother me THAT much if we're just casually dating or anything, but if I am looking for wife material (like this guy apparently), then I will not compromise about these things and will be honest and straight-forward with the person about why I think we're not a match.

 

Take it as a blessing in disguise.

 

While I don't think she should change I think she should find someone more along her wave length...

 

Sometimes being a tidy person can be equally as annoying as being a messy one... My ex hated that I like a clean tidy home and said all sorts of horrid things that would have been just as hurtful as the things said to OP. I am not a freaky clean person and I have no problem with a bit of mess here and there, my dogs go on both sofas and beds... But I take umbridge to living in a muck heap. I want clean sheets on the bed at least once a week and I don't want to go to bed with a dirty body or go to work without washing/ bathing in the mornings. If the dogs have used the bed to dry their paws before I can get them in the tub then they get changed... The carpets get hoovered every couple of days, washing up done every day, washing done as soon as there is a load...

 

Each of us have our own standards and ways of doing things. Its what you can and can't live with.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're not the wife material he's looking for..

 

But that doesn't mean you're unworthy.. you are absolutely someone elses material.

At least you found this out now, rather than down the track. Different opinions on marriage are common, and it's okay to want different things.

 

Don't beat yourself up about this. It was a comparability thing, not a you thing.

 

I think this is the best overall answer because it respects his needs as well as hers and this issue may not be an issue for somebody else.

 

So I wouldn't let this be a concern for every man you date in the future, many will be compatible with you in this area.

..........

 

What I am sorry for is how he told you and how much he hurt your feelings.

 

I don't know if this is the greatest idea...especially for me to do, but maybe I can help you in some way understanding this because I can relate, so I'll go out on a limb here.

 

I am the same way myself with words and truths, and I always feel bad about saying the things I did if it hurt someones feelings. Sometimes it's just hard to be sensitive to emotions when you're kind of consumed by your own thoughts and emotions yourself, and you don't stop yourself from saying how you feel, especially if you're just unable to hold it all in, because you don't really WANT to...and it doesn't usually come out right and sounds like something else other than what was intended...which was of course not necessarily to make you feel bad or hurt, it just wasn't "personal" as much as it was an unfiltered expression which caused damage to you as obviously you are going to be affected by those harsh and cutting like a sharp-knife words.

 

I admit he was a jerk and it still doesn't give him the "right", and I'll admit at times I'm a pretty big jerk too. And I'm sure he feels pretty bad about what he did if he has a heart, after he had time to think about it.

 

Also a man who likes a more "traditional role" I'll give some feedback what that means exactly...at least to myself. I might end up sounding a lot like this guy to you, but I'm throwing myself under the bus just to give some insight to this.

 

I am a guy who is not a neat freak by any means, trust me on that...but also doesn't like dating women who have a really messy living environment. And I've seen plates of food strewn about, old packages of this or that laying around, stains on the carpet and trashed filled about 3 times the normal capacity...and of course on top of that, clothes thrown everywhere.

 

Now I could care less about the clothes, but the the plates of food makes me want to puke especially from 2 days before...it reminds me of living with male roommates. But that is ONLY a romantic expectation and for a relationship, your home is your home, you have the right to do whatever you want it in and I could deal with it and I will not judge a person for it overall...but when it comes to my "future" and compatibility...yes, unfortunately I'm going to judge someone based off of that, and I don't care what anyone thinks about that to be honest.

 

I also do like women who......yes, like kids and seem motherly. Why? because as an affectionate man, I would like an affectionate woman, someone who is capable of showing a lot of love, affection and the softer side of things. I'm a very stoic and hardened guy at times, although I'm very open and expressive...sometimes I can be way too hard, and I being with a woman who is of the softer kind helps me maintain a balance within myself, and In case I'm too much of a jerk or hard-ass, she will pick up the slack. But that doesn't mean I'm just that way always, I'm very affectionate, loving and have a soft-side myself, I'm just not always that way...especially if I'm upset or really don't like something.

 

These are things I have "judged" women for...not because I want a woman to carry the load on her own and be a slave or some other exaggeration, to take care of me and yadda yadda. The truth is, I don't like women to do things for me because I need her to, but because she makes me feel loved and cared for, that's why I like being cooked for. Otherwise I eat a pretty steady routine of meals and healthy myself, I already cook my own meals and go to the grocery store when I need food, and have good domestic skills myself. I would never expect a woman to have a house completely clean from top to bottom as her like daily obligation, but I do think about how my home would be like in the future with that woman in it with me...and I do make that judgment based on how she lives and takes care of herself.

 

Now I'm not saying you won't be a good mother, I'm not saying you don't know how to clean or you can't love and will be horrible person and all of that...it's just something I would look for in a woman because that's how i can envision my home and a compatible life-style, and instead of excuses or reasons why, I just want someone already showing and representing themselves in that light rather than "hoping" or even worse...."expecting" them to change once the kids are there and we're living together and all of that.

 

I'm not saying it's the right way to "judge" or that inevitably I will be right in this endeavor...I could choose someone who I feel fit's that profile and then have something else go entirely wrong or she ends up hating the kid(s) or whatever...***** happens in life, and there are somethings you just can't predict and you very well could be better in every way when that time comes.

 

But I feel as the potential "father" hypothetically speaking...it's up to me to be the responsible one, and to make the right choice in a partner "mother" (this whole reply is making me feel very uncomfortable btw at this point), as they will have no choice in that matter because of my error and for that I try to take seriously these kinds of factors, so that they can have the kind of environment that I want them to be raised in.

 

..that's all I'm saying, or trying to say/explain, better yet. I wouldn't tell women this normally or even express it, I would just move on, but for the sake of transparency...who knows, maybe that makes a difference, maybe it doesn't.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[TigerLilly78]

He wasn't YOUR match for what ever reason he didn't like the way you did things that doesn't mean the way you do things is wrong its just not on the same page as him last guy I dated hated the fact I liked computers and gaming I play them together with my new guy cause he loves it as much as I do dating isn't about making yourself the right fit for everyone its about finding YOUR right fit..

[CharlieFox]

While I don't think she should change I think she should find someone more along her wave length...

 

Did I say change anywhere in my post? I very deliberately used the word improve. Since the OP asked for words of wisdom, that's what I'm giving her.

[slizl]

While it may hurt, kudos to the guy for being honest with you. You are at the age (and so am I) where the second I know that the girl I am dating is not wife material, I drop her. At 35, I just don't want to waste my time with someone that I could not see marrying in the future. Although I feel he coudl have used more tact in how he said it, at least he didn't string you along for years only to break up later and wasted everyone's time.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think his preference is fine, but the way he delivered the message when breaking it off was quite insensitive. Also, he should have been looking out for these things from the beginning, and shouldn't have gotten involved with you if he didn't like the way you live.

 

I agree that some men won't care about these things at all, but I agree it's not a bad idea to think about the future you want for yourself, and how your present lifestyle relates to that.

 

I think that in general, traditional domestic skills are lacking in both Western women and men these days.

 

I'm definitely the domestic, maternal type. My favorite place to be is at home, I love to cook for my man, I keep the house almost obsessively clean, and I love kids. With time I've realized that I definitely want a man with traditional man skills, too. The stronger he is and the better he can fix things up around the house, work on cars, and bring home the bacon, the more attractive he is to me. I was extremely disappointed when a boyfriend of mine once refused to install the hardware to hang a plant from the kitchen ceiling for me, because he "didn't know how" and didn't care to learn. It was a huuuuuge turnoff. Contrast this with the engineer who routinely created his own simple blueprints to build things for us at home - hot!

 

But I would never criticize a guy for lacking traditional male domestic skills. I just wouldn't date him.

[Gloria25]

If he cared a little he would have brought up those issues first and not suddenly break up over them. It feels like something happened at the wedding that turned him off to the point of no return.

 

Uh, yeah....

 

Probably the wedding is what hit home for him...I mean, haven't you been to someone else's wedding with a SO and thoughts of what it would be like to make them your husband/wife not swirl in your head?

[Beautiful Kisses]

Wow. That was so mean of him to treat you that way ,guess what Karma is a bi**h and one day some girl that he's all into and that is his type is gonna dump his a*s and tell him , he's not HER type. I wish you a wonderful day beautiful

[FitChick]

Cooking is easy and fun. I recommend Jacques Pepin's Fast Food My Way. Easy for beginners. It would impress a new man. You will need a food processor but if you want to be a good cook treat yourself to a small KitchenAid at BedBath&Beyond when you get one of their 20% off coupons. Saves lots of time and lasts for years.

 

Learn to be tidier if you can't be cleaner. The difference is that a tidy room is instantly noticeable because everything is put in its place while a dusty or dirty room takes a closer look to notice! Clean bathroom though is a must since people always use it.

 

Decoration isn't that big a deal in my book since when you move in with someone you are likely to get rid of or buy things to reflect your tastes.

[Sunfire73]

When you want to start a family, with kids, you have to at least know the basics. Cooking is not that hard, just start with the simple ones. There's a lot of recipes in the internet as well. Cleaning, well, you have to at least maintain a place where it's livable. When you're alone nobody would care, but if you bring in a husband and kids, then you won't have to think of yourself alone but your family. And that's an adjustment you have to make. It's not too late to start now, especially if that's your goal and you have a prospective guy that looks at your lifestyle.

[Ruby Slippers]

He did look out from the beginning and he ended it two months in.

Not really. Everything he complained about was evident early on. He just chose to overlook it and hope for the best. Granted, we all do that until we learn better. It's a good thing they went to the wedding and he had his epiphany now instead of 2 years from now, so she doesn't waste a lot of time with him.

[Gloria25]

When you want to start a family, with kids, you have to at least know the basics. Cooking is not that hard, just start with the simple ones. There's a lot of recipes in the internet as well. Cleaning, well, you have to at least maintain a place where it's livable. When you're alone nobody would care, but if you bring in a husband and kids, then you won't have to think of yourself alone but your family. And that's an adjustment you have to make. It's not too late to start now, especially if that's your goal and you have a prospective guy that looks at your lifestyle.

 

True ^^....now granted, some people with kids aren't running around with a broom and making them clean up every mess they made cuz that would be nerve-wracking....But, if you can't keep your place tidy and you DON'T have kids, imagine what the place would look like once you actually have them....

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Psh, OP, don't dwell on your ex's parting words. Wife material BS. For many men, "wife material" can be defined as a woman who is loving, supportive, loyal and patient. Cooking and cleaning can be learned...

 

My bf is a bit messy and a huge procrastinator - it drives me nuts but the fact that he is a great father to his son and a great bf to me is much more important in determining whether he is "husband material."

 

Deep down your ex didn't feel the right connection with you. That's ok. There is a man out there for you who is perfectly happy with the way you live your life.

 

It doesn't hurt to learn a skill like cooking but don't change yourself just because you didn't fit ONE person's definition of "wife material."

Edited October 23, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[d0nnivain]

I'm completely depressed with being dumped. Looking for some words of wisdom here.

 

After 2 months he made a snap judgment about you. It doesn't mean he's right in general. You will probably make somebody a great partner, just not him. Be happy he only wasted 60 days of your life, not 60 months.

 

Chalk it up to him being wrong for you. Stop crying & go out & live your life.

 

Yes, rejection hurts but you are giving this relative stranger too much credit & too much power.

[IronZ]

I guess a LOT of people nowadays can't seem to handle constructive criticism very well...

 

It's not about constructive criticism at all. What this guy did was destructive. He let go of a seemingly good relationship because of his own needs. It was selfish. You should never have to change someone in order for your relationship to be good.

[d0nnivain]

It's not about constructive criticism at all. What this guy did was destructive. He let go of a seemingly good relationship because of his own needs. It was selfish. You should never have to change someone in order for your relationship to be good.

 

Eh. I'm not so sure about that. It might not have been good from his perspective.

 

That doesn't make the OP a bad person or diminish her value as a future spouse. It just means this guy wanted out.

 

Again, better he bolt 60 days in then later.

[IronZ]

Eh. I'm not so sure about that. It might not have been good from his perspective.

 

That doesn't make the OP a bad person or diminish her value as a future spouse. It just means this guy wanted out.

 

Again, better he bolt 60 days in then later.

 

Yes, bolting earlier when you know it won't work is good. The bad thing is that what he bolted about was quite a dumb reason if you ask me. She could've always learned to cook or whatever he wanted at some point. In my eyes it wasn't a big deal at all. The fact that it was such a deal breaker for him is kind of lame. Like I said originally in this thread, it sounds like he just wanted someone to cook and clean for him. He should just hire a maid.

[serial muse]

I don't know, maybe there's more to what he said, but this doesn't sound like she never picks up a sock or puts a pot on the stove; just that those things aren't her priorities. And he wants someone for whom they are.

 

More puzzling is the "lazy and lacked motivation" comment - sounds like there's more to that than just having domestic skills.

 

Eh. I think he went to this wedding with you, OP, and then tried to imagine you and his future wife in the same space, and decided that you just weren't what he was looking for. That's fair and honest, although he didn't have to be quite so judgmental about it (saying you're lazy and lacking in motivation), so that sucks, but the bottom line is what Lani said: you guys just aren't a match.

 

He said I am not wife material. Totally floored and hurt I asked him what he meant? He just said he does not like my lifestyle, hinted that I have no domestic skills at all, I don't seem like the motherly type and he wants a woman he can marry and have a family with and he does not see me as that person. He hinted he thought I was lazy and lacked motivation and any goals in life. I admit after being single for so long my house is not the cleanest and I'm not the greatest cook, I'm so used to doing things my way. I sleep in on weekends until 10. I have a full time job and work a lot of hours I like to sleep on weekends.

 

A side note: It is SO ANNOYING when a guy says of a woman that she is "not the motherly type". Who is the motherly type? There are billions of mothers out there, so I'm guessing they span more than one type. What he probably really meant is that you're not his internal ideal image of a mother. So that's about him, not you. Please don't internalize that.

 

Edited to add: someone here made this point awesomely and I think it's worth a repost:

 

When I was single, I kept a pretty messy house and slept in when I could. Didn't have many domestic skills. No seasonal decorations or baking expertise. I married someone who loved me for my brain and my wicked sense of humor. He didn't give a sh*t about household decorations or whether I could make cookies. We hire a housecleaner and order takeout. And we are very happy. So is my little girl, who thinks I'm the best mommy ever despite my domestic inadequacies.

Edited October 23, 2014 by serial muse