Going out with a new guy Saturday what excuse should I give if he asks about my scars

[Redhead14]

Folks, let's stay focused on the upcoming date and potential inquiries about the thread starter's scars.

 

Additionally, due to other issues, responses from the thread starter may be delayed so, if questions are posed, please wait for a response. No need to post up reminders or off-topic rhetoric. Thanks!

 

William: We might want to consider asking the OP to delete this one. It's very delicate. Even responses to the original question could be dicey and triggering for her even if she doesn't realize it.

[William]

My postings aren't a conversation. The topic is valid and stands as such. LoveShack is full of delicate and sensitive topics and this one meets our standards.

[Arieswoman]

Georgia2014,

I agree with Lani, I don't think you should be getting into any dating/relationships because the first relationship you need to work on is with yourself.

 

Just my 6 penneth.

 

AW

[Chemist]

Okay, agreed. On topic.

 

I say date him. Look, we all carry around something, whether it is a literal scar or an invisible one. My parents are drug addicts, I was sexually abused when I was a kid, I had no friends growing up. I barely make emotional connections. It doesn't mean we should stop trying and 'focus on ourselves'.

 

You are working on it. Nuff said.

 

Date the guy. If he asks, dodge the question at first. Ask questions that betray his feeling for such things. Ask about a movie that has this in it, ask about other similar things, see how open he is to these things. You can find out without putting yourself completely out there.

[IronZ]

Just tell him the truth, he's going to find out anyway. But, since it is fall and temperatures have dropped I think you can cover them with long sleeves.

 

She should tell him, but definitely not on a first date. That's not the date you want to unload all your emotional baggage on a guy. She should get to know him first and see if there's a connection. Then later she should tell him and if he cares about her enough he will be understanding.

[Mrin]

I am honestly torn on the whole date or not date issue. I think the only ones qualified to answer that question is the OP and her therapist.

 

That being said - if you do date I'd go with the "that's a story for another time" response if he asks.

 

Finally, and I mean this with more emphasis that I can convey in text - good for you for confronting the issue and seeking help! I wish you all the success and peace in the world. Be strong my dear! Be strong.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Wear something that covers them, or if that's impossible and they're visible, brush it off with a 'oh, long story!' and move on. He will almost definitely know what they really are, and his decision to see you again will be in light of the fact that you're cutting.

 

I still have scars from cutting aged 12-17, and I'm 26 now. Luckily they're not very noticeable anymore unless you're looking or if I catch the sun. I just tell people who I don't want to know my history I put my arm through a window as a kid. It's nobody's business but yours at this early stage.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Cover your arms and go on the date. You deserve to feel normal and do what "normal" girls do. Then call your therapist. If you don't have one you should find someone who practices dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), which is specifically designed for people with poor coping mechanisms.

 

OP, it's important that you make changes because YOU want to make them, but this can be a motivator. Think to yourself how you want to go on more dates and meet more people, and maybe one summer you'll go to the beach. You can't wear a sweater at the beach, can you? The next time you're tempted to self-harm, try to step outside of yourself and remind yourself of things like this. "I want to be happy more than I want to self-harm." Hell, even "I want to wear a sexy bikini more than I want to self-harm" is OK.

 

You are not crazy. You will be fine, but you need to start the hard work of self-improvement today.

[Fondue]

I honestly can't believe people suggest you should date.

 

I can't help but imagine you meeting a guy, "liking" him, then develop a relationship/friendship/courtship... Then bam, he breaks up with you. Can you handle that?

 

Or hell, what if you feel "used" after sexy time. What if he never calls you back? Can you handle that?

 

Also, be fair to the guy. What if you DO develop a relationship, are you planning on dumping all this emotional weight onto him? Is that fair to him?

 

While you might think it is fair for you to date, you should also consider if it is fair for the person you plan to date.

 

I would say the same exact thing if this was a man posting, too.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I honestly can't believe people suggest you should date.

 

I can't help but imagine you meeting a guy, "liking" him, then develop a relationship/friendship/courtship... Then bam, he breaks up with you. Can you handle that?

 

Or hell, what if you feel "used" after sexy time. What if he never calls you back? Can you handle that?

 

Also, be fair to the guy. What if you DO develop a relationship, are you planning on dumping all this emotional weight onto him? Is that fair to him?

 

While you might think it is fair for you to date, you should also consider if it is fair for the person you plan to date.

 

I would say the same exact thing if this was a man posting, too.

 

My older sister self-harmed when she was a teenager, so I feel like I have some experience with the subject. There are thousands of reasons people self-harm, including OCD, and it does not necessarily have anything to do with emotional stability. Maybe OP self-harms because she's bored. Maybe she likes seeing her own blood. I don't know. But it's ridiculous to assume that a bad relationship situation would send her into a bloody frenzy because OMG SHE CAN'T HAAANDLE IT. I think if OP were genuinely worried about her safety in this situation, she wouldn't be dating.

 

OP needs to develop safe coping mechanisms and she needs to do it right now. But she doesn't need to live in an abbey and shun all social contact, either. Depending on why she self-harms, she may be (relatively) fine. Her focus should be on making healthy changes and improving her coping skills so she doesn't have to self-harm in the future.

[todreaminblue]

My older sister self-harmed when she was a teenager, so I feel like I have some experience with the subject. There are thousands of reasons people self-harm, including OCD, and it does not necessarily have anything to do with emotional stability. Maybe OP self-harms because she's bored. Maybe she likes seeing her own blood. I don't know. But it's ridiculous to assume that a bad relationship situation would send her into a bloody frenzy because OMG SHE CAN'T HAAANDLE IT. I think if OP were genuinely worried about her safety in this situation, she wouldn't be dating.

 

OP needs to develop safe coping mechanisms and she needs to do it right now. But she doesn't need to live in an abbey and shun all social contact, either. Depending on why she self-harms, she may be (relatively) fine. Her focus should be on making healthy changes and improving her coping skills so she doesn't have to self-harm in the future.

 

emotional stability has everything to do with it...not being able to cope with pain felt ro situations...or for that matter people.....so you get rid of pain by slicing it out.its nto stable.....and unless dealt with...is problematic to relationships...guys tend to feel responsible..........i am an ex cutter.....deb

[mortensorchid]

I think you are all missing a major point here, at that is this: what to do if he asks about the cuts and scars. We're not talking about why she is doing it and if she should even be out with this guy (let alone any) to begin with. It's if he asks about the scars/cuts. Just say "Oh, I'd rather not talk about that right now, long story." If he minds his business like he should on the first get together he will drop it. Later down the road she can say something like "I chose to do some self mutilation over some things, but I've had treatment for it and now I feel better and don't need to do it anymore."

 

 

People will take information about you and use it against you unlike anything you can imagine, even saying something neutral like "My favorite color is blue." After all, there are a lot of stories out there that you just don't know about people.

[veggirl]

I'm seriously baffled that people are telling you to hide and downplay the scars you have from CURRENTLY CUTTING YOURSELF.

 

No healthy individual is going to want to get involved with a cutter and if he notices him you should be honest so he can run like the wind. Sorry but until you are healthy yourself, no guy should get twisted up with you.

[veggirl]

I think you are all missing a major point here, at that is this: what to do if he asks about the cuts and scars. We're not talking about why she is doing it and if she should even be out with this guy (let alone any) to begin with. It's if he asks about the scars/cuts. Just say "Oh, I'd rather not talk about that right now, long story." If he minds his business like he should on the first get together he will drop it. Later down the road she can say something like "I chose to do some self mutilation over some things, but I've had treatment for it and now I feel better and don't need to do it anymore."

 

 

People will take information about you and use it against you unlike anything you can imagine, even saying something neutral like "My favorite color is blue." After all, there are a lot of stories out there that you just don't know about people.

 

Uhh but that's a total LIE. She DOES still do it.

[Chemist]

I'm seriously baffled that people are telling you to hide and downplay the scars you have from CURRENTLY CUTTING YOURSELF.

 

No healthy individual is going to want to get involved with a cutter and if he notices him you should be honest so he can run like the wind. Sorry but until you are healthy yourself, no guy should get twisted up with you.

 

I think everyone has a right to chase love. You act like we're all perfect and if you don't think that, that somehow her flaw is so much worse than others.

 

Anyway, the question isn't 'should I date' it is what do I tell him. Which I think you do not need to say on date one. No one busts out that **** on date one.