He's calling . . . how to proceed?

[Emilia]

Some of his behaviour sounds like ADHD - from what I had seen in the past too. A very difficult thing to handle and yes there are emotional challenges to it too, I think you would find he has these troubles all the time and he isn't calling you because he had been through it many times.

[waiting4u]

I understand the whole "you said to go away and so I'm not going to bother you" side of it, but if a man really loves me, he ought to be moving heaven and earth to get me back.

 

He must just think I'm going to come crawling back on my own. NOT. Happening.

 

I want a grand gesture - flowers - a declaration. But that sh*te never happens IRL I guess.

[waiting4u]

Some of his behaviour sounds like ADHD - from what I had seen in the past too. A very difficult thing to handle and yes there are emotional challenges to it too, I think you would find he has these troubles all the time and he isn't calling you because he had been through it many times.

 

So I shouldn't take it personally - he's just thinking "well, it's happened again." ?

 

funny, I thought what we had was special or something . . .

[Emilia]

So I shouldn't take it personally - he's just thinking "well, it's happened again." ?

 

funny, I thought what we had was special or something . . .

I can't diagnose him, he clearly has some behavioural problems, I'd guess it's something he has limited control over.

 

In my experience, people who had been rejected many times in the past give up quickly because they know what to expect. Though I don't know what dramatic big gestures are supposed to convey anyway. You need to know whether the two of you are compatible or not and it doesn't sound like it.

[Arieswoman]

Waiting4you,

Let's rewind a bit.

 

You said,

 

My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) came over to spend the night last night after a night out with the guys (he was a little drunk)

 

Why are you allowing this?

 

If any man I dated, in the past, wanted a "night out with the boys"- which usually meant a lot of booze being put away, a lot of mindless conversation (under the guise of "male bonding") and everyone getting totally bladdered - then there was no way I would want him back at my place.

 

I do not deal with drunks (male or female) because they are unpredictable, illogical and volatile, as you found out.

 

Your (ex)boyfriend has already told you that he has problems with relationships, so you have been warned.

 

Personally, I wouldn't waste time trying to work out why he is as he is - it doesn't help you now.

 

Do you really want to carry on living on this rollercoaster?

 

Your choice.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Arieswoman

[2sunny]

So I shouldn't take it personally - he's just thinking "well, it's happened again." ?

 

funny, I thought what we had was special or something . . .

 

You take it personally? He should take it personally... Because it shows what a complete jerk he truly is.

 

It's his - not yours.

[Diezel]

Is this the guy who wouldn't say "I love you" to you and you were up in arms about it?

 

Just reading through this thread... this entire relationship is a LOT more toxic than I initially believed it to be.

 

Seriously, why are you entertaining the notion of staying with him?

[waiting4u]

. . . he often comes across as not only insensitive, but child-like, socially awkward, single-minded, and sometimes even downright mean. He doesn’t appear to understand proper social behavior or people’s reactions to his behavior. He says he has had problems all his life with “seeming mean without intending to” and has trouble fitting in and holding down relationships (36 and never been married, and he has few friends). He’s very single-minded (work work work work work), often has one-sided conversations (he talks, I listen, and it is basically a monologue about his work), and can be inexplicably hurtful at strange times . . . he’s been to see a therapist recently (one session – hardly enough for a diagnosis) and he told me the therapist suggested he might be narcissistic, which scared the crap out of me.

 

UPDATE - I met the narcissist last night - meaning, he really showed his true colors. I'm going to write out some of the details, just because it helps me to record them, but if you want to skip to the end, please do. I know this is tedious.

 

I ended up ringing him mid-day yesterday, because I wanted the issue resolved. He could only give me about 10 minutes because he was "so busy with work." He really didn't understand how he'd been insensitive, so I explained it to him - even took the high road and apologized for MY part (throwing something and giving him an ultimatum) - still no apology. He finally did apologize after I said "I can't believe you haven't apologized." We got off the phone and he said he'd call me later, but the matter was still unresolved.

 

NOt wanting to wait by the phone all evening, I texted that I had plans later and wanted to know if I was single or not. He said he was in the middle of something so he replied "Do your worst." I said no, I cared for him, I wanted to work it out, etc. and then finally just telephoned.

 

I can't really remember all the details of this because I was so angry, but the basic jist is I just wanted a few minutes to try and see if I could get some resolution - I either wanted it over completely or to hear if he cared and wanted to make it work. After repeatedly trying to shut down the conversation (he always shuts it down if I mention anything having to do with emotions), he said he thought we needed some "space" and I replied that he never gave ME space when I asked for it (and I had several times) and wasn't the fact that he was currently out of town and would be all weekend enough "space" for him? He again tried to shut down the conversation, saying "I've had a bad day, I can't talk about this right now." When I told him I'd been miserable about this for the last two days and wanted some sort of resolution - just wanted to know if he cared and wanted to make it work or not - still no response and he started explaining what a "bad day" he was having.

 

We got disconnected and when I called back he wouldn't respond. I texted about three times saying I thought I at least deserved a conversation and I was tired of living in limbo, not knowing what was up. He didn't respond. So I called twice, he finally picked up, and I told him what I really thought - yelled a bit - that he treats everyone he comes into contact with like crap - service people, his employees, his friends, his dogs, and me. That I had tried so hard to be good to him and be a supportive girlfriend and I was just tired of it. He said something to the effect of "you're crazy and you have an emotional spectrum that I don't have" and I responded with "just because women have emotions doesn't make them crazy." He said "I can't talk about this right now. I'm in a DISGUSTING restaurant in a DISGUSTING place" (and this was loud, so I'm sure all the people who worked at the "disgusting restaurant" heard him say that). I'll call you later."

 

Well I was tired of lying in bed crying, tired of not knowing whether it was over or not, tired of being treated like a servant, just done. And I know it doesn't really come across well in this post, but he was SO COLD - it was honestly like talking to a machine or something. He really didn't care about AT ALL. In fact, all he talked about in the conversation was HIM. HIS work, HIS day, HIS troubles - how just by trying to discuss whether he actually wanted our relationship to work I was inconveniencing HIM. He didn't care a whit how I'd been hurting, or all I'd done for him, or all we'd been through together - nothing.

 

For those of you who have seen the movie "Closer" with Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, Natalie Portman and Jude Law, you'll recognize this line. I hung up the phone and texted "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."

 

We'd talked about that movie, and that line, so knew I was serious. That was the last thing I said. He's blocked on Facebook (both his personal and business site) and blocked on my phone. It's done. And I know I did the right thing.

Edited October 24, 2014 by waiting4u

[Emilia]

I'm sorry OP, he will never ever able to give you what you want. I think my hunch is right and that it's not a 'narcistic' issue but that's beside the point. He isn't capable of/doesn't want to tap into his emotions. Your only option is to walk away.

[waiting4u]

Thanks Emilia, I could use some sympathy right now. I feel like a real idiot. But at least it's resolved and I know it's over. I mean, I still woke up this morning and cried - I think that part lasts a while - the emptiness.

 

The good news is that my best friend has been tremendously supportive, so has my workout partner, who recently went through a breakup, and so has has the man I was dating casually before I met my ex (we've continued to be friends). I also have a network of female friends that are just wonderful, although I've neglected them of late, and I think I'm going to be okay in the end.

 

No Contact is tough - I was wondering just this morning whether I ought to email him about his things that are here. But going back to that last line - I honestly want that to be the last words he ever hears from me. It's silly - like I want to win - but it makes me feel like I have power in a situation in which I've felt powerless for a long time.

[Emilia]

Thanks Emilia, I could use some sympathy right now. I feel like a real idiot. But at least it's resolved and I know it's over. I mean, I still woke up this morning and cried - I think that part lasts a while - the emptiness.

 

The good news is that my best friend has been tremendously supportive, so has my workout partner, who recently went through a breakup, and so has has the man I was dating casually before I met my ex (we've continued to be friends). I also have a network of female friends that are just wonderful, although I've neglected them of late, and I think I'm going to be okay in the end.

 

No Contact is tough - I was wondering just this morning whether I ought to email him about his things that are here. But going back to that last line - I honestly want that to be the last words he ever hears from me. It's silly - like I want to win - but it makes me feel like I have power in a situation in which I've felt powerless for a long time.

You need to get that out of your mind, it's a never-ending rope that you keep feeding yourself. It's over.

 

Just put everything in a box and post it to him.

[2sunny]

I'm left wondering why you keep hanging on to a man that's that mean?

 

Why didn't you say to him "IT IS OVER"?

 

Why are you handing HIM all your power by waiting for him to decide for you?

 

And why are you trying to pull words from him? Words he simply REFUSES to say?

 

He's wanting it to be YOUR fault. He looks like the true narcissist.

 

Please get professional help - you need it to become stronger FOR YOURSELF.

 

He won't change. The change needs to come from you.

 

 

It is over because he isn't sorry. He isn't apologizing. And more importantly he isn't about to change.

[SoThatHappened]

I think some part of you sees him as a "project" and that's a big piece of why it hurts to leave it unfinished. I think all of us have an innate desire to "fix" people and see them as an unfinished product that we can complete. Believe me, I have this problem more than most. I'm a caregiver and want to be liked for what I can do more than be liked for who I am. I see a lot of this in you.

 

The coldness you're getting back from him is textbook from someone who either doesn't care, wants out, or has someone else in the wings. I honestly don't know which is worse.

 

You made the effort to work on things. He obviously doesn't care nor does he want to work on anything. At least you can walk away knowing you tried. You won't have any regrets regarding that.

 

As hard as it is, you need to walk away. I know everyone says, "Yeah, it's easy for you to say that but I can't just do it."

 

But you have to.

 

You're wasting your time on someone who doesn't want you. Any more effort from you to fix this is going to push him away further and hurt you more.

 

You have to let this one go. Now. Use this as a learning experience, work on yourself, cut him out of your life, and press on. There's nothing left for you to do with this chapter in your life. Time to turn the page.

 

The next chapter sucks, btw. But the ending is up to you.

[BC1980]

You ex sounds so much like my ex. My ex was a total @ss at times, and he would wonder why people "overreacted" to his insensitive comments of behavior. I remember one time when he said something so smart @ssed to me when I thought I had accidentally locked the keys in my car. What he said was so mean, and I never forgot it. We were with some friends that looked shocked, and my ex never apologized. The thought never occurred to him. This type of behavior was a pattern.

 

I think it's one thing if the behavior is unlike the person, and they apologize. No one is perfect. But with your (ex)boyfriend, he seems to lack any empathy or compassion after he has hurt you. That's an entirely different situation, and I feel for you. I put up with that type of behavior for 3 years because I, like you, wanted to change and take care of the guy. He could also be very sweet at times, and I weighed the niceness too much. I didn't give the awful side of him equal measure. Unfortunately, we have to weigh the person as a whole, and this guy sounds terrible. This type of behavior is just going to escalate.

[waiting4u]

I'm left wondering why you keep hanging on to a man that's that mean?

 

Why didn't you say to him "IT IS OVER"?

 

Why are you handing HIM all your power by waiting for him to decide for you?

 

And why are you trying to pull words from him? Words he simply REFUSES to say?

 

He's wanting it to be YOUR fault. He looks like the true narcissist.

 

Please get professional help - you need it to become stronger FOR YOURSELF.

 

He won't change. The change needs to come from you.

 

 

It is over because he isn't sorry. He isn't apologizing. And more importantly he isn't about to change.

 

Sunny, I really have appreciated all your advice and the time you've taken to give it. Have you seen the movie Closer? The last thing I said to my ex was "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye." If you had seen the film, you would understand that line means "It's over, now I'm going to disappear and you are never going to see me again. In fact, I never was the person you thought I was to begin with."

 

I'm much more contented today. I was tired of the roller coaster ride. I've blocked him on my phone, on social media, etc. and we don't have mutual friends. He will never see me again.

 

I want that line to be the last thing he ever hears from me. I agree, he is toxic. Yes, I gave him too much of a chance. But you overstep the boundaries of polite social etiquette when you tell someone to "go get professional help." Breakups are hard. We all make mistakes. I wish you the best.

 

By the way, I'm going to a Halloween party tonight as "The Crazy Ex Girlfriend." My costume involves a decapitated bunny necklace, a large bloody knife, and "I love you Tommy!" Written on my forehead.

Edited October 24, 2014 by waiting4u

[Diezel]

Jesus, where were all of these details in your other threads about him?

 

You were so focused into getting him to say that he loved you that you were blinded by all of the other crap?

 

We could have told you a while ago to just leave this d-bag from the get-go.

Please take some time to be on your own.

If you have his address, just mail him his crap. It's much better than having to deal with all of the junk of him coming over to get it or emailing or more contact and what not.

 

Just be done with that chapter.

[waiting4u]

Jesus, where were all of these details in your other threads about him?

 

You were so focused into getting him to say that he loved you that you were blinded by all of the other crap?

 

We could have told you a while ago to just leave this d-bag from the get-go.

Please take some time to be on your own.

If you have his address, just mail him his crap. It's much better than having to deal with all of the junk of him coming over to get it or emailing or more contact and what not.

 

Just be done with that chapter.

 

I know right! The first three months he was really sweet and then he went crazy cold after that "I love you" nonsense. It just got worse after that. I had deceived myself quite a bit and turned a blind eye to his true character. Funny what I'll do for a pair of blue eyes and amazing shoulders. . .