EverySunset Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Ah, I think you mistake some of us here. There may be hope for the marriage. Ironically, accepting an affair is what will kill it while filing for divorce may save it. As funny as it sounds, I would suggest that your best bet of saving your marriage is by filing for divorce. Do your confronting with divorce papers. This this this . Nothing snaps a WS back to reality like receiving papers like these to sign. Esp when you file with adultery grounds, which can be tricky in UK (or anywhere) so get thee to a solicitor now, and ask how to move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 In UK divorce law divorce advice for men is about managing expectations. It is a very common scenario in divorce in England that the house is transferred into the wife's sole name, the children live with the wife and the husband pays maintenance for the children until they leave full time education while at the same time losing meaningful contact with them. All too often the man feels he has lost everything under such circumstances - wife, home and children - and that what he has spent years building up has suddenly been snatched away from him. Take the kids and move to New York. UK divorce law is freaking stupid. I'd go live in Dubai or Japan before I let some trashbag steal my kids and everything I own. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 So she started an affair because you gave her TOO MUCH space, but now you aren't giving her enough space? Does this make any sense to you at all? And wow, to stay with an active cheater just blows my mind. Your self-esteem must be at an all time low. Also, get rid of this counselor ASAP. Don't make any decisions, really? Sounds like she's the one making the decisions for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Get legal advice, possibly serve her with papers. There's Always hope, but this is seriously complicated because she has a 2 years ongoing affair and you let her eat cake all this time. Should she come around and decide she wants to work on the marriage NC with the guy and she has to quit the current job. If you want to make things run faster you can expose the affair to OM's wife, so he'll have his hands full and may "throw your wife under the bus". Don't expose to work till the probable outcome is divorce, because you may end up having to pay higher alimony if she loses her job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WillDo Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 OM in 51. W 40. OM living with a partner, no longer getting married. Didn't even get married when he had a kid. I am frustrated and tired. I will wait for the legal advice. She still claims it is not an emotional affair but admits having feelings towards him. And still asking for space to think if this is the right marriage for us. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 You are doing it all wrong. You need to make telling his live in partner your number 1 priority. Then the next priority is telling her in no uncertain terms that you are not going to be someones number 2. She either knows she loves you or she doesn't. Tell her divorce is imminent. Nothing gets them out of the fog quicker then seeing the betrayed spouse not care anymore. Trust me on this!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 You're being way toooo nice about it. She's about to blow your whole world apart! Impose consequences by exposing her to everyone and having her move immediately. Cut off all her "perks" of being married to you. Don't be nice about it - she's cheating and expects you to be nice while she's being terrible. She's disrespecting you and the only way she's likely to start respecting you more is if you stop being mr nice guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Let me give you a thought. Women cannot respect a man that they can treat like a doormat. They can't respect a man that will accept anything and everything from them. They can't respect a man who doesn't fight for them. And women cannot maintain romantic love for a man that she does not respect. By allowing her to treat you this way, without you taking any real action to change the situation, you destroy any hope of regaining her love. Get angry. Stand up for yourself. Tell her to make a choice...him or you. Tell her that if she wants him, she can have him...all she's got to do is gather her things and move on out (that's not you throwing her out...that's her leaving voluntarily, which could heavily impact who gets the house in your situation). If she chooses you...she ends any and all contact with this guy...PERIOD. She becomes an open book, willing to prove to you that the affair is over. She goes to marriage counseling with you, and actively and truthfully participates. If she refuses...again, all she's gotta do is pack out and leave. Make it clear that you're willing to lose her. Make it clear that you're man enough to insist that the affair end, or the marriage does. If you can't do that...there's nothing we can do to help you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 owl is right. please take his advice and stand up for yourself. your wife is placing a 'friendship' with some guy from work as a priority over your marriage and children. this should be enough to make you angry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Let me give you a thought. Women cannot respect a man that they can treat like a doormat. They can't respect a man that will accept anything and everything from them. They can't respect a man who doesn't fight for them. And women cannot maintain romantic love for a man that she does not respect. By allowing her to treat you this way, without you taking any real action to change the situation, you destroy any hope of regaining her love. Get angry. Stand up for yourself. Tell her to make a choice...him or you. Tell her that if she wants him, she can have him...all she's got to do is gather her things and move on out (that's not you throwing her out...that's her leaving voluntarily, which could heavily impact who gets the house in your situation). If she chooses you...she ends any and all contact with this guy...PERIOD. She becomes an open book, willing to prove to you that the affair is over. She goes to marriage counseling with you, and actively and truthfully participates. If she refuses...again, all she's gotta do is pack out and leave. Make it clear that you're willing to lose her. Make it clear that you're man enough to insist that the affair end, or the marriage does. If you can't do that...there's nothing we can do to help you. This ^^^^^^^ You can't appease and accomidate your way out if this. You can't "nice" your way into making her behave appropriately. You have to grow balls and a spine and play hardball and stand up for your own best interests. She will either wake up and fall in line, or she will walk. You don't have a real marriage now anyway so if she walks, it's not really a loss. The damage has already been done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 You must snap on of your despair, and decide if you are going to let her continue to feed you the **** sandwich you are now getting. You wife has decided that you will now be in a open marriage and share her with another man and so far everything you have done is the opposite of what you need to do You will not nice her back. Right now she is having sex with another man and you are pleading with her and giving her "space" , which is a translation for" go ahead honey and continue with your affair and I will continue to let you live with me and do whatever you want to . Now what is there in that situation to make her stop because of any consequences. You can forget about saving your marriage until you stop this affair and when you are ready to do that you will get some advice on what to do. First step is to tell her you are not staying in a marriage with three people in it so she can do whatever she wants but not as you r wife. And stop using your kids as an excuse. Is watching their father get humiated and disrespected a great lesson for them? It's time to man up and stand up for yourself or you will endure this situation for a long time Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 tell her to move the heck out! Do NOT move out of your house just for her to have a sexfest with OM! That would be mega stupid. You lost a lot of weight! GREAT. Go to the gym and add back on some muscles. eat a low carb diet. Only complex carbs like veggies, lots of protein. Get buff. THEN start to make the moves on some hot women. Make sure wife sees you doing that. Post their pix on your facebook page out partying with you. Stay over there houses periodically without warning her. And ditch the therapists! they are just gonna fill you up to the gills with drugs. Get buff, get laid, find some non-toxic friends to party with, and all is good!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 She still claims it is not an emotional affair but admits having feelings towards him. And still asking for space to think if this is the right marriage for us. I don't think your "wife" understands how the words emotional and feelings are related. Either way, the space she wants is so she can still keep seeing the other guy. The only "therapist" you should be seeing right now should be a "lawyer". Serve some papers. Link to post Share on other sites
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