I think this is the End of it.. Very depressed..(Updated)

[MissBee]

My husband and I are NOT gonna divorce..

 

So my main problem here is that MM blocked me and I don't want him to think that HE is the one walking away when I am the one that first told him I wanna respect my husband and not continue..I will Never let a damn lousy MM have the upper hand or feel that he rejected me.. and I don't want him to be all switching the story to his wife saying that He is the who has cut me off and blocked me.. Ugh.. So what about this?

 

From previous threads, and I'm not trying to be rude, it seems you worry about very petty things which you have no control over and they sound like very middle-school mentality type of worries. The last thread I read you wanted to know if you should brag about your marriage and post pics of your husband on FB too to one up MM and you wanted to know how to pretend to be detached when he messages you and for people to tell you what to say...now you don't want him to think he is the one who walked away or for his wife to think that...huh?!

 

Look, you guys aren't in middle school. This stuff is silly. You can't control what he thinks or his wife or what he chooses to tell her. Let him think whatever he wants. Even if he thinks he walked away and not you and tells her that so what? What difference will it really make?? It doesn't make any difference at all in the grand scheme of things.

 

You have to stop being petty or it will ruin your life as you focus so much energy on inconsequential things which you can't control or needing to compete or have the last word on irrelevant things, it's a waste and seems like the kind of thing emotionally immature middle schoolers. Let him tell her whatever he wants, you aren't speaking with each other anymore (or are you hoping to resume), so it doesn't affect you one bit. You won't know what he tells her...so why bother yourself over it? Let ignorance be bliss in this case.

[MissBee]

Please don't keep saying he has all the power all this while and drive me to deeper depression..

 

I am the one who never initiated meetups with him, never called him, he also always used to ask me why I never show much interest.. I am the one who initiated we be friends and break off twice.. and he always used to say that I never showed much love.. and now my hubby found out so once again I told him I don't think I can go on..So i guess he blocked cuz he didnt wanna keep seeing me in his text list.. NOW HONESTLY TELL ME Does it really seem that HE has the power here and that he is the one who rejected me???

 

Yes...

 

Because you're the one here up in arms about what he is and isn't doing and worrying about what he is going to say and who has been making threads asking people to tell you what to say to him and feeling badly about his lies and his FB page. So yes, I'd say your mind is consumed by him and what he is or isn't doing and the fact he blocked you, you can't handle it and are going off the rails to manage what he is thinking or saying.

 

Meanwhile...I doubt he is on a forum all distraught over it or even caring about what you're telling your husband or not. He accepted it, blocked you and that was it. Meanwhile you can't accept he blocked/rejected you and even before this dday you were here trying to learn how to act casual and pretend not to care because you cared way more than he did and wanted to hide this....

 

So please be real with yourself. He definitely seems way less invested. You may not have initiated meeting up or other things but nevertheless the emotional energy you've spent, which shows in all your threads, is FAR more telling.

 

Also...if you told him you don't want to be in contact or things are over or you supposedly want to respect your husband...why wouldn't he block you??? Maybe he blocked you for himself in order to not contact you, as YOU requested.

Edited October 21, 2014 by MissBee

[HBIC]

You told your MM that you wanted to dial things back. As a result, he blocked you. If it helps you to feel that he doesn't have the upper hand, think of his reaction as the desperate choice of a man deeply wounded by your rejection.

 

If you go NC and don't budge an inch, you will prove to him that you are mature and have moved on to much better things. NC is THE ultimate way of communicating to someone that they aren't worth your time. As the saying goes: silence speaks volumes.

 

I echo the thoughts of previous posters and feel extraordinarily sorry for your husband.

[HermioneG]

and ok.. SO he blocked me.. and now I need to work on my relation with hubby.. I will..

 

and what is the dignified way to be in response to him blocking me? How should I think that will help me be confident? Should I think like "he blocked me.. oh well.. I hope he finds the love and care he is looking for elsewhere and its the best for him to block me..i wish him a great life" I already feel kind of good and confident thinking this way.. So is this how I should be thinking? what thought will help build my confidence and take me out of depression?

 

You do not respond to being blocked.

 

You go no contact.

 

You get individual therapy and stay with it to figure out why you are fixated on who "won" on this issue.

 

No one won. No one.

[Quiet Storm]

He probably blocked you because he is trying to manage the situation. Your husband contacted him, and now that a light is shining on his actions, he realizes what a POS he is. So he's distancing himself as much as possible. He had fun while it lasted, but has been exposed. It's no longer worth it to him, as there is too much potential for drama.

 

You have an attitude like "Oh, no, I must have the last word! I have to be the one to end it". You have this fear of looking desperate because this lousy MM that saw you as a side piece rejected you. That's not what's desperate about this situation. You risked your marriage for this guy you think is a lousy piece of crap. You cheated and lied and betrayed your husband. You are worrying about MM and what his wife think instead of how your husband feels! And you think MM blocking you is what makes you look desperate?

 

Do you see the flawed thinking? Your insecurity regarding MM and what he thinks/how he will portray you is your #1 priority. You betrayed your husband, he found out, your marriage that you say you want is falling apart - but this power game with MM is what concerns you. It's like having a heart attack and worrying about the papercut on your finger! You have much bigger problems than what MM thinks right now.

[anika99]

Ok all,

 

after all of my posts for the last month, I think this is officially the end of my affair with MM..

 

Now my husb found out after seeing some texts, and also texted him not to contact me so I didnt have the heart to continue cheating so i told MM that we will listen to my hubby and not be in touch. Actually my words were "lets be low key for sometime" what I mean is not really in touch, just very minimal.. Because as much as I do wanna end this and him out of my life, it is seriously sooo painful for me..So im the one who cut him off and today I saw that he blocked me from text, but not FB.

 

I guess he has had a change of mind and decided to this time not pursue me at all and just walk away, But I am just feeling very unsettled for some reason.. I don't want him to go brag to his wife that "yeah, I blocked her" and think that HE is the one who cut ME off, and that HE is the one who walked away when I was the one who told him I don't want us to continue the contact..Ugh...

 

AM I thinking too much? Just let it go?? But I still like him so much and I terribly miss him and attracted to him I just dunno how im gonna get through this, please help, im in tears... (

 

 

Well actually he is the one who cut YOU off and HE is the one who walked away. Saying "lets me low key for sometime" and meaning minimal contact is not cutting him off and walking away.

[MissBee]

He probably blocked you because he is trying to manage the situation. Your husband contacted him, and now that a light is shining on his actions, he realizes what a POS he is. So he's distancing himself as much as possible. He had fun while it lasted, but has been exposed. It's no longer worth it to him, as there is too much potential for drama.

 

You have an attitude like "Oh, no, I must have the last word! I have to be the one to end it". You have this fear of looking desperate because this lousy MM that saw you as a side piece rejected you. That's not what's desperate about this situation. You risked your marriage for this guy you think is a lousy piece of crap. You cheated and lied and betrayed your husband. You are worrying about MM and what his wife think instead of how your husband feels! And you think MM blocking you is what makes you look desperate?

 

Do you see the flawed thinking? Your insecurity regarding MM and what he thinks/how he will portray you is your #1 priority. You betrayed your husband, he found out, your marriage that you say you want is falling apart - but this power game with MM is what concerns you. It's like having a heart attack and worrying about the papercut on your finger! You have much bigger problems than what MM thinks right now.

 

This!!!!

[Hope Shimmers]

YES! it is important to me that it doesn't look like HE is the one who rejected, cuz I would never let an MM who just wanted me on his side, be the person to reject me..

 

This made me laugh

 

I won't even point out the flaw in that reasoning.

 

OP, really - what does it matter who did the blocking or rejecting? Just move on. I hope that you do grow up and become the wife your H deserves, but I don't hold a lot of hope after reading your posts. Good luck -

[whatatangledweb]

Ok, if you just said you needed to end it because of your husband( and going by your other thread, you still wanted to talk) and due to the fact you had tried to go back to friends before. Then yes, he ended it by blocking you. He may have done it because your husband texted him or he just wanted the drama to end. Even if you send him a message on facebook and block him will not change the fact that he made sure it was ended.

 

You just had him on the side just as he had you. I understand not wanting to be rejected but it is done. You can't change that.

[herself]

My husband and I are NOT gonna divorce..

 

So my main problem here is that MM blocked me and I don't want him to think that HE is the one walking away when I am the one that first told him I wanna respect my husband and not continue..I will Never let a damn lousy MM have the upper hand or feel that he rejected me.. and I don't want him to be all switching the story to his wife saying that He is the who has cut me off and blocked me.. Ugh.. So what about this?

 

Well two people know the truth about who cut who off...him...and you.

You cannot read his mind, guess what he is saying or thinking...you aren't in contact.

Kindly I say this...you need to pull it together, you asked for NC but I wonder if you truly understand NC. It means ZERO and is for the soul purpose of detaching and healing.

You cant ask him to not contact you then be upset he didn't and is blocking.

I know it hurts but right now engaging is going to hurt WAY WORSE.

You need a time of solace, silence, reflection....time to think of yourself, how to help your husband...what you want.

My guess is the mm is terrified of whether your H or you will contact his wife, if your husband wants to harm him physically....Im sure he is scared and often times when A is discovered the switch is flipped. The love is "lost" in a way that intense guilt suffocates it, a feeling of "what have I done" and often self disgust.

I think mm is feeling all those things and just sees the whole situation as messy and full of drama and wants to recenter, do damage control in his own life and stay as far away from you as possible.

No one here can help you feel remorse or make up your mind for you to let mm go and get back to your H and your life. Only you can get yourself together and get your thoughts OFF of him and onto where they should be.

I know its hard, but you've got to get control of you right now.

Who gives a damn what he thinks. You cut him off, now stick to it.

[twosadthings]

Perhaps I'm not the person to ask or you're not the person to answer, but how does somebody who seems to have no feeling for their spouse keep referring to them as their "hubby"?

 

If you're really that concerned about who dumped whom first, put it on Facebook or take out and add in the newspaper. Maybe you should wear one of those sandwich signs and parade in front of his house. Either way you chose will further destroy your marriage and drive your "hubby" away.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[Arieswoman]

hello234,

 

I would never contact him myself and loose my dignity and respect like that.

 

no sweetie, you lost your dignity and respect when you started ****ing a married man behind your husband's back.

[Allumere]

Folks, she ain't gonna get it.

The fog is to thick, her pride like concrete.

I'll pray you wake up and send some healing vibes to your heart because it is beating way out of sync.

You aren't evil but your actions/decisions right now are very bad.

[peaksandvalleys]

Maybe I missed it. OP are you in counseling? If you are, what progress have you made? If you aren't, why aren't you?

[herself]

I think its true and can sympathize somewhat that the fog is still heavy, shes hurting, and this is a prime example that Affairs end badly and often when one or both are still in love.

She will understand eventually but right now shes in the storm of her life and wants to maybe both run to her husband AND to AP at the same time.

Im sorry op u are getting some real harsh comments here and I feel for you as of course you made your bed but perhaps like many u couldn't see the forest through the trees at the onset.

Its just, please please really calm down and think about what your focus is and know people do care. I for one will say a little prayer and show compassion and wish clarity for you.

This mm was trying to honor your wishes and protect himself too.

You can let him go now.

[couchcushion]

OP,

 

I understand how you're feeling. From my experience, the feeling of rejection is the worst part of a break up.

 

Objectively speaking ,from what you have posted, it sounds to me like MM is just doing damage control. The fact that he blocked you by text but not FB makes me think he is not quite done.

 

You initiated LC, he is simply following suit.

[herself]

Rejection causes some of the worst pain and emotional torture.

This is going to be glaringly hard to let go of as I think some have the hope that even if they are asking to ap to not continue its still heartbreaking when they don't fight for you or show it hurts. I remember telling my xeap I was going to close our email acct we spoke through he was so nonchalant and ok with it.

I needed to close it but wanted it to hurt him too that I had to be closing these doors.

Either way...Im practicing compassion here because shes in a bad bad place...the most hurtful eye of the storm and I hope she can see her way out.

[hello234]

Rejection causes some of the worst pain and emotional torture.

This is going to be glaringly hard to let go of as I think some have the hope that even if they are asking to ap to not continue its still heartbreaking when they don't fight for you or show it hurts. I remember telling my xeap I was going to close our email acct we spoke through he was so nonchalant and ok with it.

I needed to close it but wanted it to hurt him too that I had to be closing these doors.

Either way...Im practicing compassion here because shes in a bad bad place...the most hurtful eye of the storm and I hope she can see her way out.

 

 

Hey- Thanks for ur compassion..So do u really think I got rejected? I feel so bad knowing that this ended with him blocking me.. does that mean I was rejected? Cuz I broke it off 2 other times, I intiated ending it and told him don't contact, and this time, i admit, i wasn't thinking to completely kick him out yet.. i thought i will slowly cut down and then just be casual with him as a friend.. so that we can just avoid an affair and romantic relation..Yes, ppl wonder why its important to me, but yes it is important that I am the one who walked away.. which I did 2 other times I told him lets end it and don't contact me.. this time my hubby found out so I told him, lets just be low key for awhile, since I thought I can still have him as a friend..not sure what affected him or what pissed him off, but then I saw he blocked me on text... Well no way I am gonna go and contact him, but does this show that HE is the one who walked off? GOD I am sorry, I know I know I am OBSESSED with this but I cant help it..i need to know that I also cut him off, not just him cuz he blocked me..and yes when I said I think we shud cut off, he tried to look all good and said I will abide by whatever u decide... although the past time he did pursue and come after me, I don't think this time, but I am not expecting him to...

 

I wanna think maturely and think like, he did what he had to do to be peaceful.(block me) and feel confident about my thoughts..and that's that

[Cressida]

Hey- Thanks for ur compassion..So do u really think I got rejected? (...)does that mean I was rejected?(...)then just be casual with him as a friend.. so that we can just avoid an affair and romantic relation..Yes, ppl wonder why its important to me, but yes it is important that I am the one who walked away.. (...)since I thought I can still have him as a friend..not sure what affected him or what pissed him off, but then I saw he blocked me on text... (...) HE is the one who walked off? (...) i need to know that I also cut him off, not just him cuz he blocked me..and yes when I said I think we shud cut off, he tried to look all good and said I will abide by whatever u decide... although the past time he did pursue and come after me, I don't think this time, but I am not expecting him to...

 

I wanna think maturely and think like, he did what he had to do to be peaceful.(block me) and feel confident about my thoughts..and that's that

 

You seem to be confused as to what exactly you want. Do you want to have the upper hand and show that you're the one who walked away, or do you want to be friends with your MM?

 

In order to be friends with someone, and I mean true 'friends', you have to have a different approach and overall, different feelings that what you are writing here. You shouldn't be concerned with the appearances of this little game, but with your well being, whatever you decide (stay with your husband or not), and his decision as well.

 

I think the other commentators were sort of right when implying that MM might have gotten scared of something, like he probably thinks you got caught and your husband is grilling you for details, and that your husband might even get back at him for it, etc. He appears to want to keep things confined and not let it blow out of proportions. You, on the other hand, appear to be consumed with something that isn't even an issue- who blocked who on Facebook (do people still use it?), and who therefore has the upper hand.

 

I doubt your MM thinks in these terms, and by only writing that it is important to you, and that it's important that he doesn't tell his W that it was you who ended it. It doesn't really make any difference in the reality of the situation as he's most probably thinking about other aspects- fear, loss of family, etc.

 

This thing cannot affect you, and I am personally 100% sure your MM told his W that it was him who ended it, for the sole reason of getting away with it...wouldn't you say the same if you got caught? Who would ever say to their spouse, 'yes, I had an affair, but you know, it ain't happening anymore because she dumped me...yea...'. This would imply that it wasn't them who ended it and consequently, they'd jump back in the sack if given the opportunity.

 

Why is it so important to you? Who cares, at the end of the day? Don't you feel affected by other things, such as the fact that your H knows (does he? I didn't quite get it), the fact that you may lose him, your marriage, etc.? Who cares about...Facebook blocking?

 

However, if this is SO important to you, I personally believe it does seem like you are the one who put the brakes on it all. By saying 'we need to keep it low', you kind of explained you have to distance yourself. I think he panicked and went into fixing mode...there's no other explanation for deleting you.

 

Why didn't you delete him first if you wanted to have the upper hand and keep it low, like you said?

 

Why would such a thing affect your confidence, I don't understand. I don't think it should, you did the right thing, you asked for detachment because you were caught (or feared you'd get). It's a perfectly normal thing to do, it's not a vanity contest or 'who can freeze out who the most'.

 

I am an ax OW who managed to stay friends with MM, and this is something I noticed 99% of the people here have trouble with. I'm not saying I'm better/smarter/ etc. than anyone else, I'm saying you don't seem to have the feelings that would nurture a true friendship between you two.

 

I believe that with you, this man was just an ego boost and you are more concerned about your image than your affair, your marriage or his. How can you want someone to be your friend, and what kind of friendship would that be, if you put such aspects first?

 

Also, one thing that I do believe almost never gets mentioned here- you had a husband to come home to, as opposed to the single OWs. I'm not defending anyone or saying that having an affair with a MM is better if a woman is single, but it does change the context and pulls the OW in it much deeper than it would a married/engaged/coupled woman. Why don't you focus on your husband if you want to save your marriage?

 

Don't respond to MM blocking you. It isn't because it would mean 'something' in terms of ego and pride, it's because it's simply...silly, to put it mildly. It's very petulant and weird to start asking someone 'yo, why'd you block me, man?' when he is in panic mode and doesn't know whether he'll wake up with some guy chasing him in the parking lot one day.

 

I don't understand what you want from all this....you are clearly not in love with this man and don't have the right feelings that would nurture a friendship with him. Leave him alone and focus on your family....

[hello234]

You seem to be confused as to what exactly you want. Do you want to have the upper hand and show that you're the one who walked away, or do you want to be friends with your MM?

 

In order to be friends with someone, and I mean true 'friends', you have to have a different approach and overall, different feelings that what you are writing here. You shouldn't be concerned with the appearances of this little game, but with your well being, whatever you decide (stay with your husband or not), and his decision as well.

 

....

 

 

- CRESSIDA, thanks soo much dear for ur non judgemental and thoughtful long response... It made me feel a tad better..

 

WHen I think of him again unblocking me and talking to me, I again start feeling restless and stressed... so I guess that's a sign that it is actually better with no contact...

 

I just want my mind to feel settled and not restless... To not have all these silly thoughts about who cut who off..and that I look like idiot by him blocking me..i know its dumb I cant help it.. I just cant stand the thought of this ending with him being the one to block me, after he is the MM here who supposedly "used" me, for his pleasures and etc.. I should be the one with dignity to back off, which I did twice and even now but I never blocked him..cuz I couldn't bring myself to..I thought I just wont talk to him.. and he did it so not sure how this looks? Yes I do care about image, sadly...What to do? but does it look like I was cut off?

 

I am happy u said it looks like I don't love him.. cuz I was thinking that by my sadness, and how obsessively I was posting on here, that it may be that I do love him.. ?

[stillafool]

My husband and I are NOT gonna divorce..

 

So my main problem here is that MM blocked me and I don't want him to think that HE is the one walking away when I am the one that first told him I wanna respect my husband and not continue..I will Never let a damn lousy MM have the upper hand or feel that he rejected me.. and I don't want him to be all switching the story to his wife saying that He is the who has cut me off and blocked me.. Ugh.. So what about this?

 

No your main problem is YOU! The MM is not your problem he is his wifes problem and you are certainly your husbands problem. MM is not even thinking about who left who he is just glad it is ending.

[Red123]

Maybe he changed his mind and has decided to work on his M. Maybe your prompting with keep it LC made him realize this was more work than he was willing to do. I may wrong but wasn't this a really short A? Maybe all the drama and now your H finding out was just too much for such a short A.

[Owl]

Is your husband OK with your plan to keep OM/MM as a 'friend'?

 

How has he reacted to your affair? Has he insisted on any changes in order to reconcile the marriage?

 

It amazes me how there is really ZERO focus whatsoever on your husband in this whole thing. It's crystal clear that he's very, very low priority in your life at the moment.

[hello234]

I know many of us here have a lot to say to our ex MMs.. after a relation is over.. and theres just so much to say, but the more you say, the more you feel aggravated, etc..and then MM responds, and u respond back etc..its never ending...

 

After I told MM that we will take it easy on our relation in general for awhile because my husb found out, he still emailed me wishing me today for some religious festival we have going on... I am frustrated because, my poor husband knows about it and the MMs wife still doesn't know and he is nicely here on the side emailing me and trying to get back into this whole thing with me. His wife is "fine with us being in touch" of course she is, she doesn't know its an affair..and I don't wanna look low by telling him to tell her, so whatever..But I am just bit upset and irritated that he thinks he can email me and get a response and continue this freely as his wife doesnt know..but what abt my hubby? He is the one who suffered cuz he knew...and if I continue he is the one getting hurt, not that wife of his, she doesn't care who her husb flirts with it looks like... so I just didn't respond this time.. last time I did but I did not reply now, considering my hubby's feelings.. Let MM also suffer a bit wondering why I didn't reply.

 

I mean I am not sure I want MM completely out of my life, I am ok with friends..but for now I did not reply to his email..maybe I will wait 2 weeks and then be like sorry, wish the u the same.. and etc..keep it general.. u know?

[hello234]

and also, his wife texted me today saying she is OK if I kept in touch with him and them..like WTH? its like I don't need ur permission, its my hubby that is not Ok..augh..im irritated.. cuz she doesn't know.. and they are completely ignoring my husband's feelings.. I donno if I should reply saying, yeah but my husband doesn't like it, so I wont.. or something like that? or just not reply and not reply to her husband and that will show it?