NC breach. Shields were down, hull damaged.

[velvette]

I'm sorry CM.

 

You've said you're splitting and CD updated her thread to say you're separating for now so not sure what that really means.

 

In any case, as much as I'm sure it hurts both of you, a break from each other seems a healthy choice. When there's this much drama and dysfunction in a relationship its hard to hear yourself think.....even if you are still able to string lots of complete sentences together to explain and analyze it.

 

I suspect that once you get past the immediate pain of this decision you are going to feel a great deal of relief to be away from the BS and toxic stuff that's always swirling around.

 

Hang in there.

[underpants]

I have to say I find it very odd the line of harsh judgmental advise given in this section. I get it, it is a commiserating storm of scorn souls. Some like a good lynching, and stick around for more, hey I used to be one of the tomato throwers. I even have my own pitchfork. I've aged and have seen past the black and white.

 

Cheating is terrible, it is destructive and yes, you should walk away. I think this is the best path for both the cheater and the betrayed. Should you spit on the ground they walk on and poke them with sticks? No. Just let go and be thankful, yes thankful that a new opportunity, and new path has befallen you. I've never cheated, but very thankful I didn't stick around for any encores when I was cheated on. Walking away might actually make the other change because the deed was immediately met with a consequence, or not, but it is not your problem. Win Win.

 

I've never made a core change in my personality without a severe consequence that was dealt with a loss. Especially when younger, and if I'm honest, probably not even now. Although, I would like to think I've lived long enough to hear the train horn. Not a 'I'm mad at you' or 'its okay if you do a, b or c' or 'lets talk about it'. No, big time. That is the teacher. Getting fired, getting dumped, divorced, never spoken to again no matter what, wrecking your car, getting swindled out of money. Stuff like that. Those are life lessons that make us smarter. People like to forgive and give second chances, and some people count on that trait, over and over again. What if you didn't give one? If we don't get smarter, well then we get away with it, or feel bad because we let someone else get away with it and we got hurt again. Ugh.

 

Some of us are the teachers, and some the students. The roles change and our thresholds for continuously forgiving deal breakers, or finally not only drawing a line in some soft line in the sand but saying 'you know what, screw you, I hope you get it together for the next person' brick wall, or realizing when we need to change ourselves for our next experiences, is a sliding scale that make each of us unique.

 

Honestly, just as many say 'oh, you like someone else, not happy, just divorce and go away, super easy'. If those that were betrayed said...'oh, you cheated okay, bye, here are the divorce papers.' I think this business of fence sitting, pick me, and the ordeal of having to experience more denial, distrust and betrayal down the road would be super minimized.

 

Many people are scared of change however, and I find that fascinating. Especially when the existing quagmire is on so many objective levels miserable.

 

I do wonder if those that stay are not just as much of a cake eater as those that stray? In this case I would think, CM stays because he like the lifestyle that CD provides, and he can focus on his music? His price is a non monogamous wife. Is that worth it? Only CM can answer. At this point all I can ask is if you would like some cheese with your whine?

 

I know, it sounds awful. I will entertain the victim status for a bit, but dust yourself off and move on.

 

My only wisdom is something I've read before: (please excuse gender bias, semi quoting from memory)

 

'A woman marries a man hoping he will change. A man marries a woman hoping she never will.'

 

So Compulsive Musician what do you want? Well, forget what you want; what are your options?

 

a. Keep on the way you are going, maybe institute the 100 mile musician rule where cheating 100 miles away doesn't count. You cheat, she cheats, all even, throw in a baby a dog and perhaps a train and move your genre into the country music area.

 

b. Figure out how to make some money and support yourself, even if it means teaching music, or whatever. Get out of the dysfunction and find space to figure out who you are outside of a cheating whirling dervish. Give her the opportunity to truly feel the loss. Consider it your gift.

 

c. Do nothing and try not to act too surprised when you are eventually left for a librarian. Or the other guy later, after babies, when something else happens that is well, something else but all to much the same.

 

Hear that? That is the horn of the train!!!

 

Don't worry, the first light is that train, the second is the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

You just might get a country song out of this after all.

 

All the best.

[DKT3]

I don't get that feeling at all. My take is that she has tons of built up resentment and a desperate need to feel the affair meant something.

 

I also think the emotional aspect of the affair began WAY before we have been lead to believe.

 

I don't want to derail this thread, but she was too far out to have it be that pressing of an issue. I think she was actually fishing, wanting to see if there may still be a chance.

[Hope Shimmers]

I know you don't know me, but I'm on your side, so PM me if you ever need support. I know CD must be hurting too. I'm so sorry.

 

Since you first started posting here it has been clear that you are an incredibly intelligent man, and loving, and with good morals. If you don't end up with CD, I'm sorry she threw that kind of man away.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SawtoothMars]

I don't want to derail this thread' date=' but she was too far out to have it be that pressing of an issue. I think she was actually fishing, wanting to see if there may still be a chance.[/quote']

 

Look at the way she described the event.

 

He wouldn't talk to me. He clearly thought I was there to seduce him, and visibly relaxed when I said I was there because I never had a chance to say goodbye. He told me he was really uncomfortable seeing me and gave me 60 seconds to say whatever I wanted to say. My mind went blank, so I left and wrote him a letter, which I stuck on his car.

The letter basically told him that I was having a hard time getting past our A, that I had developed feelings for him even though I wasn't supposed to, and that I had been hurting. I sort-of told him I was thankful he'd never contacted me, even if it hurt.

 

Her mind went blank when he asked her to speak... this was not a very well thought out or premeditated act. It was entirely emotional and spur of the moment. I would guess much of this driven by resentment for CM.

 

I think that the emotional aspect of this affair runs very deep for her.... but not deep at all for "Douche". I believe she developed feelings long before they got physical.... and really struggles with being dropped like a hot potato.

 

Trust me when I say many women share this trait. They don't separate sex and emotion very well... and rejection can create some very obsessive behaviors. Typically this should turn to hatred within a year... but something is preventing this.

[underpants]

From a woman's perspective, when you are over it, you are done, you want no more and know what it is exactly you want or do not want.

 

You would travel the world to avoid an interaction. Avoid at any cost, or in the best case indifferent, meh. This is not the case here, and that is just what is presented. The return book is a lie, whatever. At best a flimsly excuse. Again why harp on this? Why look a gift book in the mouth?

 

To get to the point of having to hand deliver a letter inside, I'd guess there was some online snooping at work where the letter was drafted away from CM. That is just logical, and no, you don't know the whole story.

 

Who cares?

 

Free at last, free at last.

 

Come to the dark side, we have cookies.

[SawtoothMars]

From a woman's perspective, when you are over it, you are done, you want no more and know what it is exactly you want or do not want.

You would travel the world to avoid an interaction. Avoid at any cost, or in the best case indifferent, meh. This is not the case here, and that is just what is presented. The return book is a lie, whatever. At best a flimsly excuse. Again why harp on this? Why look a gift book in the mouth?

To get to the point of having to hand deliver a letter inside, I'd guess there was some online snooping at work where the letter was drafted away from CM. That is just logical, and no, you don't know the whole story.

Who cares?

Free at last, free at last.

Come to the dark side, we have cookies.

 

Holy Crap!

 

No, he isn't free. Her ghost will haunt him for years, even though he may enjoy the cookies! I sure do.

[violet1]

I'm sad to hear the two of you are splitting up. I was hoping that things were still going well for you guys.

 

I'm also a little sickened by all of the harsh judgments towards CD. She's human for crying out loud and not a perfect one at that, but who is? All I hope for is that she can continue to work on herself and become a strong woman who's confident and secure with herself.

 

CM, I also wish the same for you. Continue to work on yourself. I know you both are in a lot of pain. I wish both of you peace and healing no matter what path is chosen.

[2sunny]

How does CD feel about your split?

[drifter777]

How does CD feel about your split?

From her posts in her thread it sounds like she's just fine with the split. In fact she makes reference to wanting to "break up" a month or two ago but decided to stay and keep trying. You should read her post - it has a very hard, cold feel to it.

[Try]

It is very common for a wife to make much less money than the husband as the wife pursues a lifestyle based on it being satisfying instead of financially rewarding. According to this false logic, a husband married to such a wife would have a right to have an affair. I call bull to this type of thinking. If CD was not happy with the marriage, she could have filed for divorce. They did not have children stopping her from doing this, in fact she is upset that he did not want to have kids with her because of her cheating. Instead, she cheated with the husband's long term best friend. And not only did she cheat on her own husband, but on the affair partner's wife who was supposedly CD's friend.

 

CD's most recent letter to her affair partner, shows that even today she does not care at all about hurting her husband, or the wife of her affair partner, as the letter was designed to let her affair partner know that she was still willing. She can claim all that she wants otherwise, but just from what she has admitted, that much was clear. The fact that she did not let her husband see the letter, makes her intent in writing the letter that much more obvious. Bottom line, you justifying the affair is just wrong.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[revelations]

I'm sad to hear the two of you are splitting up. I was hoping that things were still going well for you guys.

 

I'm also a little sickened by all of the harsh judgments towards CD. She's human for crying out loud and not a perfect one at that, but who is? All I hope for is that she can continue to work on herself and become a strong woman who's confident and secure with herself.

 

CM, I also wish the same for you. Continue to work on yourself. I know you both are in a lot of pain. I wish both of you peace and healing no matter what path is chosen.

 

These are not harsh judgements, this is people calling out the fact that she has no respect for CM at all. This is not something that is being made up it is being shown by her actions. Truthfully CM has given her way too many chances in hopes that she will change. CD's responds to this has been to betray his trust at every turn. So I do not feel bad for CD, she has made her bed and now has to lie in it. I do feel bad for CM, he is a nice guy, very intelligent and very forgiving. CD is just using CM's forgiving nature against him. What I have told CM would be the same thing I would tell my best friend and I am sure that most other people that advised him to leave CD would say the same thing. I mean really how much is CM suppose to forgive or put up with? Is CM suppose to be okay with CD inviting her xOM over for dinner? Is CM suppose to just forgive if CD takes up another lover? Really CM has put up with a lot more than most men here would have and I really feel for him. If anyone here is an example of someone putting 110% into trying to recover it is CM. I do wish CM the best in his next chapter of life.

[revelations]

CM, I first want to say that your retort to Realist3 was awesome. I read what CD had posted and I am truthfully shocked at her arrogant and selfish behavior. I am sorry that you are so upset right now and I can understand why. After all you really did give CD a lot of chances, you were very patient with her. You did go far beyond what most guys would have. Truthfully you will be better off going your own way without her. To me it seems like she will keep taking the same actions without understanding that it is just rubbing the affair in your face. I hope you understand that I am really upset by CD's post. This one statement CD wrote really ticks me off.

So I love this man, who doesn't want to have a family with me, prioritizes his career consistently over me and over my career.

The way I see this CM is that she is saying your the bad guy for working too much and that means your selfish. However CD goes and bangs some other guy, has a threesome with him. Never would do this for you, yet somehow she is not selfish or prioritizing you. I hope you don't feel I am being too mean CM, and mind you I don't say this to hurt you. My God you cannot get more direct blame shifting than this. I mean it is total arrogance to make that statement after she breaks NC, does this not show that the OM is a priority over you?

 

Okay I am going to shut up CM because I know eventually I will say something about your wife that will hurt you and I do not want to do that. However I will tell you that any respect I ever had for CD is now gone. CD is another example of why I will never marry again. I mean if this is what women are offering these days I want no part of it. Damn CM, I do wish you the best and I am very sorry that you have been hurt so many times by CD. Please keep in touch and know that you can PM me anytime you like.

[meandmycats]

I haven't been here long, but reading the same posts you are reacting to here I can say that there's always 'one' mate, and the one who seems to goad the most is usually, as you say, the biggest w-anchor.

 

 

You're not having a great time of it, but I wanted to say, it WILL get better one way or another, whatever you do. Even if you carry on with your wife, eventually you will just get sick and tired of it all and end it anyway.

 

 

I wish you lots and lots of luck and some peace eventually, chummy, I really do.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Robert]

any more off topic, insulting or otherwise pokes at the thread starter or any other posters earns that person a posting vacation, thanks

 

Carry on