constantly talking about leaving the realationship or critizing the relation ship as

[diverdileo]

My fiance is constantly critizing the relationship as a whole. We can be hapoy for several days without fighting and when an issue comes up she criticizes the relationship as a whole. I try to say that constantly threating the rrlationship can be abusive, and if we could talk about issues of concern and not criticize the relationship. Yer response is she is only telling the truth that the feels the relationship is bad. I try to explain the difference having issues that to discuss and critizing the relationship is two different attitudes. Her defense is she is realistic. But we never really discuss the issues as a team. I feel she critizes the relationship to insist on change, but critizing the relationship as a whole is like an abusive partner threaten to leave with ultimatums. Please shate your thoughts on this?

[siochana]

Threats and ultimatums.

 

Here is what you do: tell her to **** off.

 

That is to say, when she says this relationship is wrong/ Im thinking of leaving.

 

You say: There is the door. If you dont like this/ me, see you later.

 

And if she says no, then tell her you dont want to hear that talk again or youll be gone.

 

Dont indulge the bull****.

[SerCay]

My ex was like this. I endured 4 years of "our relationship isn't stable" and "we must establish a basis of trust first" and "I think this isn't working, we should break up" (only to come back after 2 weeks).

 

The funny thing is, like you say he was never willing to work on issues as a team. It was ALWAYS me who had to stop doing something, or stop bringing up a certain issue, he would want me to never ever have an issue with him because he would feel "uncomfortable" etc etc etc.

 

He was a downright commitment phobe. And he knew it and his family knew it.

 

I don't know your fiancée but it's pretty common among commitment phobes to treat their relationships like this, just to stall the relationship from going to the next step.

 

Should you put up with it? Absolutely not. You deserve somebody who is willing to work WITH you on issues instead of AGAINST you.

 

Is it abusive? Yes. But she might not be aware.

[d0nnivain]

If the relationship is bad, don't get married. Get some pre-marital counseling & see if it makes sense to stay together or break up

[Woggle]

If it's that bad then let her go and don't take her back. What is this adding to your life?

[Ronni_W]

I feel she critizes the relationship to insist on change, but critizing the relationship as a whole is like an abusive partner threaten to leave with ultimatums.

Tell her that "the relationship" is an inanimate thing so blaming what is wrong on "the relationship" is like blaming it on the table or the bed. "The relationship" cannot fix itself.

 

Tell her that the quality of "the relationship" is entirely dependent on the success of THE PEOPLE to have and to demonstrate proper listening, communication and conflict resolution skills, and kindness, love, interest, commitment, responsibility, sensitivity, respect, courtesy, etc., etc.

 

I can't tell if she is actually abusive or just a "relationship idiot". The question as to what benefits and rewards YOU are getting out of "the relationship" is worthy of your consideration, regardless of what/where she is, though.

[spiderowl]

I'm afraid it sounds like she is withdrawing from the relationship, with this and your other post about stonewalling. You are not happy with her behaviour so maybe it would be a good thing for both of you to have the chance of finding happiness elsewhere?

[siochana]

If it's that bad then let her go and don't take her back. What is this adding to your life?

 

The answer to that questions for most people is this.

 

1. I love her

2. I dont want to lose her

3. Im afraid of what will happen to me if i lose her ( wont do better)