JennyGreen Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Hi everyone! My name is Jennifer. I'm new here, this is actually my first post. I don't really have a question, I guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to about my dilemma. So here goes... I'm so painfully in love with my friend. We've known each other since we were kids and we've been friends ever since. I can honestly say I was attracted to him since before I even knew what attraction was. I'm a very shy person, and I hate sharing my feelings with anyone, so I always tried my best to hide the way I felt for him. But I'm pretty sure he knows. He's always known. I know he cares for me but our relationship has never been romantic. Not on his part anyway...I've never felt anything but love for him from day one. I'm not his type. I know that. I could tell by seeing any other woman he's ever showed any interest in. But that doesn't change how I feel. Believe me, I've tried to stop it. I've been with other guys but nothing compares to how I feel about him. He recently broke up with his gf of almost 2 years because he found out she slept with someone else. He's been so heartbroken for the past 2 weeks and I guess you can say I've been his "shoulder to cry on". He's telling me that she has been begging for another chance and apologizing like crazy, and that he loves her (gag!) but doesn't know if he should give get another shot. My natural instinct would be to say no, but I really do want him to be happy. But how can I be sure that she'd make him happy? I know I could make him happy. He told me the other night that he wished he could find a girl like me...wtf does that mean? I wanted to hit him in the head and say "WAKE UP IDIOT!" But I didnt. My head is spinning. My heart is hurting. I don't know what to do. I feel like I should just tell him everything but I don't even know where to begin. Or if I even should. Would that cause more drama for him? I've waited this long. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I guess there's not much more for me to say. Well, there is, but I've already made this post too long (sorry lol) Thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 It's too soon after his break up for you to go confessing. He's not emotionally able to handle much more than FWB, if that, at this point. Give it at least two months. Dress a little sexier & flirt with him.
SkylerJean Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 It's too soon after his break up for you to go confessing. He's not emotionally able to handle much more than FWB, if that, at this point. Give it at least two months. Dress a little sexier & flirt with him. Too soon? She said it's been years! I agree on the dressing sexier thing and flirting with him. But honey, make your move and make it now. Besides, being told that someone is in love with you when your ego has been so bruised can be a great way to get out of that slump. Tell him. He said he wants a girl "like" you. Right? Well then ask him, why not you? 1
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Too soon? She's known him for years but he broke up with his GF of 2 years 2 weeks ago. That's too soon. 4
preraph Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Don't tell him anything too strong about this breakup because he might end up back together with her. Plus, you're extremely biased and only hearing his side of the story. For all you know, he may have done something heinous. In six months, if he's not with her, maybe you start invading his space a little and be flirtatious.
Author JennyGreen Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 I think if he wanted to be with me he would have made a move by now. He's had more then enough time. I'm afraid of ruining what we do have. But I so desperately want more from him, however pathetic that sounds
Author JennyGreen Posted October 18, 2014 Author Posted October 18, 2014 What I don't understand is why would he tell me he wants a girl "like" me? What's wrong "with" me? Or was that maybe like a hint?
Author JennyGreen Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 He has just gone through a bad break up with his girlfriend of almost 2 years. I've been his best friend for longer than I can remember. And I've had these feelings for him it feels like even longer than that. I've been by his side in whatever he's been through, and he's been by mine as well. I hate to sound like "that woman" but if there are such things as soulmates, this would be it. The other night he said something that kind of stuck with me. I can't stop thinking about it. We were talking about his ex, and he said something "all this drama is driving me crazy, why can't I just find a girl like you?". I was flattered and blushed, but then I became extremely offended! Why can't he figure it out? He wants someone LIKE me, why not try ME? This is all really difficult for me. I have so many mixed emotions right now that it's clouding my judgment. I just wish I had an outsiders opinion. My girl friends are telling me to move on (believe me, I've tried) but I think they're just worried about me. I can't shake this off. It's been on my mind constantly. I feel like I'm going insane. Am I? Should I just fess up and admit that I love him? Or is that too over kill?
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 He just broke up with his GF and is still feeling a bit shattered by it. Since he is still dealing with the aftermath and sorting out his feelings, telling him you are in love with him will only add to his stress. He needs to emotionally heal, so now is not the time. For all we know he might end up back with her. You need to give him time. Tell him later that you would like to out on a date with him, that will tell him you like him.
Author JennyGreen Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 I'm afraid if I don't make a move now, I might not get the chance.
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I'm afraid if I don't make a move now, I might not get the chance. That's not true. If you push you could end up as a rebound or he will run back to his ex leaving you in a world of hurt. Patience and timing is your best bet. 2
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I tend to agree with your reading of the situation. You know you're not his type. A comment like "I wish I could find a girl like you" means just that: he likes some of your qualities and wishes he could find them in someone else. Maybe he's just not physically attracted for whatever reason. It happens. I think if you approach him he will gently turn you down and you'll be crushed. It will also probably damage your friendship for a while. But I also think that if you don't do this you're going to drive yourself crazy wondering, so it may help to get it out of your system. As others have said, don't do anything now. He's devastated by heartbreak and betrayal. It will be at least three months, if not longer, before he can even go on a date without wanting to vomit. You've waited this long already; a few months won't kill you (even if it feels like it). When you do say something, I suggest doing it in a roundabout, semi-joking manner. Maybe something like "I always wondered about us dating, but it never happened, you know?" or "So-and-so said we'd make a good couple" or "I wonder if we could date without wanting to kill each other". Most people would advise against it because it's always best to be direct about your feelings, but in your situation I think caution is warranted. If he brushes it aside you can write it off as a joke, accept the rejection and your friendship can continue more or less unchanged. If he responds differently then you can go from there. However, you've said that he's probably aware of your feelings and has never said anything. He even said that he wanted to date someone like you, which means he's thought about dating you on some abstract level. It's not like the possibility has never crossed his mind. Its just that he'd rather see your characteristics in someone else than date you because, I don't know, he's secretly a loser or something. I think it might be best for both of you if you backed off for a while. You might be his shoulder to cry on, but he's incredibly vulnerable at the moment and your motives aren't completely pure, either. He said he is tired of drama. What could be more dramatic than his "safe" best friend suddenly confessing her love for him? He would end up reeling both from the loss of his girlfriend and the loss of his friendship with you. You would both unintentionally cause each other a world of hurt. Give it three months at least. See other men who you know are into you. Spend time with friends and family. 1
JohnM Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 He needs time. Encourage him to get happy on his own again. If you are worried perhaps slowly integrate more non platonic moves, just no high pressure ones as that's no good for either. You are friends, that dynamic does not change quickly.
GG3 Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 It could be. But if I were you I wouldn't make a strong love declaration, that might freak him out. I'd try to drop a hint back. Do you guys hang out much? Are you soending time together?
Author JennyGreen Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 It could be. But if I were you I wouldn't make a strong love declaration, that might freak him out. I'd try to drop a hint back. Do you guys hang out much? Are you soending time together? All the time. Since the break up, I've been the one he's been turning to for support. We've been best friends since we were kids. I've always loved him but was too shy to show it. I'm regretting it now, but I never felt he could see me in that way
IronZ Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 I think if he wanted to be with me he would have made a move by now. He's had more then enough time. I'm afraid of ruining what we do have. But I so desperately want more from him, however pathetic that sounds Unless he's as deep in the friend zone as you are. Sometimes both people can be too afraid to say anything because they don't want to rock the boat. Until either one makes a move, you'll never know. It's like that saying, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. If you waste too much time he might be back with his cheating ex gf. You owe it to yourself to try. 1
Author JennyGreen Posted October 21, 2014 Author Posted October 21, 2014 My guy friend and I were talking about this girl he just broke up with because she slept with someone else. So we're talking, then he looks at me and goes "im so tired of all this drama, why can't I just meet a girl like you?". At first I was flattered at felt all giddy. Then I became very insulted. So that was like 3-4 days ago. Today I asked him what he meant when he said that and he said "like how you understand me, and I can me myself around you, and we have so much in common" blah blah blah some other crap like that. so I jokingly said "you do know I'm a girl, right?". So he says "oh come on, you know that's not how I meant it. You know we'd be all wrong for each other". But from the way he made it sound, he thinks we're all right for each other. I was getting way to emotional to continue so I changed the subject. I'm so sick of his mind games. Like he's just stringing me a long for a boost to his ego. It hurts and confuses me. I feel like I'm done at this point. But I don't know if I should just tell him how I feel. Would that change anything? Or am I just wasting my time and setting myself up to get hurt and possibly lose my friend in the process?
Anderlie Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 Maybe ask yourself why you have feelings for someone who constantly hurts yours? 2
Author JennyGreen Posted October 21, 2014 Author Posted October 21, 2014 Maybe ask yourself why you have feelings for someone who constantly hurts yours? He's really not doing it intentionally. He's an amazing guy, he really is. It's mostly my fault for waiting so long and not telling him how I felt. The truth is, we really are perfect for each other, everyone thinks so. I know it, he knows it, but we've been friends so long I don't even know how to be anything else to him. I've tried to stop falling for him but it was impossible. I'm in way too deep.
Anderlie Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 I guess I look at it this way: even if he doesn't mean it the guy makes you feel less than. He has also said to you that you won't work out. Take him at his word because if he wanted to date you he would, there's nothing stopping him. If you're feeling hurt and confused and your friend won't take the initiative I don't see much point in pursuing it. There's this strange notion out there that the relationships we have to fight tooth and nail for are somehow more worthy or romantic but usually it just means they were a bad idea from the start and will end in a giant dramatic mess. 4
Diezel Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 I fail to see where he is playing mind games? 2
martaldn Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 he is not playing any mind games from what I see. he just see you as a friend. and to be honest I am not sure if you will do any better to the friendship if you drop the "i have feelings for you" bomb right now... or even in the future. at moment though I would stay still and not do anything as he has his mind completely in another situation and if he is so hurt by the break up he could also consider to have some fun before to go into another serious relationship.. bottom line i think you should wait at least until he has his mind off this other girl/relationship.
Author JennyGreen Posted October 21, 2014 Author Posted October 21, 2014 I fail to see where he is playing mind games? The part where he says I'm everything he wants in a woman, but not only that. There's constantly a flirty vibe from him. He touches me all the time, he gets jealous if he thinks im into another guy, he even wrote me a song and played it for me on his guitar. All these little things just get my hopes up and then he goes and tells me something like, "we're all wrong for each other". So why does he do all these things?
Author JennyGreen Posted October 21, 2014 Author Posted October 21, 2014 There are 1000 more things I can tell you about how he makes me feel like we're all right for each other, but his words are not matching up with his actions. That's what I'm trying to say
JohnM Posted October 21, 2014 Posted October 21, 2014 There is too much going on right now. Don't be adding to the thought process he is going through. If you really want to see if its reciprocal then leave some time and read the signals when it is a cleaner slate. In the meantime consider the impact of pushing this into romantic territory and what can happen to your friendship, its unlikely it would be the same again. Your dynamic would change. I remember telling a friend who had been through a bad break up of my feelings and that I would wait for her to be ready. Cue months of woe. He needs to get himself ready before that information is even brought up.
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