He's a liar

[whichwayisup]

Chances are, his son is never going to accept you as 'step mom' and there's also a possibility that he (man you're dating) won't want to get married again after going through a horrible divorce. Rarely do people want to go down that road after something like that. He wants to protect his assets...

 

His son sees you as the reason why his parents split up. He may never get past that.

[Ruffian1]

It is not a secret to his son. He told his son all about it.

 

 

Maybe because his son would like an inheritance from his father some day.

 

 

He is his child after all. May be his dad is keeping some thing for his other kids some day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most first kids get shoved out of everything inheritance wise once the second wife and kids are established.

[stillafool]

Ok, an update. First, we're not married. His kid who doesn't speak to me would get mad if we married so we're waiting.

 

That isn't a good reason for not getting married. Is he going to hold off marrying you forever because his kid will get mad? Plus you two have a baby together is his kid mad about that?

 

I asked him about what I overheard and he said he has some money set aside for

emergencies because he doesn't ever want to lose so much money again, like he

did in the divorce. Its a rainy day account and is in a small company for tax

reasons.

 

This doesn't sound like what you heard at all. I hope you told him so.

[LoveOrNot]

His son is very upset about the baby and hasn't met the baby yet. If we got married it would create even more drama. The kids see me as the one who ended their parents marriage, even though it was an unhappy marriage for a long time and I was just the trigger.

 

I'm going to sit and watch about the money situation. I'm sure what to think and would rather wait and see how it plays out.

[cif]

Exactly what kind of loss is he trying to prevent... One like his divorce? How would that happen in the future? You guys are solid, right? Right?

 

Look, I don't want to be the mean one, but it sounds like he is squirrelling money into a business and isn't being transparent about it because he is preparing for a day when you two are no longer together. On top of that. It's likely money he might have to pay you as the mother of his child if he we're to leave. Can you understand? He is trying to protect himself.... Against you. And against his own child. Think about that.

 

I thought this too.. Why does the 'rainy day' not include you. But what another poster said is true, its legally none of your business.

 

Op, he may be preparing to leave you.

Edited October 19, 2014 by cif

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

How much do you trust his explanation? You may not be married, but you have the right to know if this guy is involved in shady activities that could send him to prison. Don't ignore your gut. Use his SSN to check for business records (however, I would wager that he was smart enough to set it up in his son's or someone else's name). Go over your tax paperwork. If you're not satisfied, hire a private investigator.

 

If this were a made-for-TV movie, we'd be at the 45-minute mark where the wife is finally realizing something around her is not right. Unfortunately, we still have half the movie to go and there will probably be at least one twist before the end. Stay safe.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Honestly, the second business to hold a rainy day fund makes sense... I have something similar on my business. It's so that you can have assets that are available to support the business should it need a cash infusion to sustain the business, but if the business fails, it's a stopgap to prevent them from taking personal assets to cover any losses to cover things like taxes or insurance claims by people who you did business with, or claims against the company should he file for business bankruptcy/close/need financial protection.

 

I also suspect he has it so that his ex can't use it as a claim for payment as part of his personal assets. States like mine protect individual business assets that are needed to sustain the core functionality of the business from civil claims and child support. The second business allows him to establish a larger baseline for core expenses as each business (in my state at least) would be considered individual and not combined.

 

However, same holds true for you too should you break up...

 

After you asked him, did he show you where you could view this and explain where the money for this account is coming from? Has he given you access to it and named you as a beneficiary to it? If something happened to him, would this income be divided among his children or go to his ex wife to be distributed? In our state, even if it's a business account, it all reverts to his wife, even if she's an ex, unless he states it goes to the kids.

 

If he told you about it, showed it to you, let you know where it is, and has you (or the kids) named as the beneficiary, I wouldn't worry too much. If he told you how he got it and why, but nothing else... Then I'd worry.

 

On it's face, I wouldn't say that a relationship that started with an affair along with a secret bank account he didn't tell you about right away was a sign that he's lying to you, cheating, or doing something wrong. My husband and I started as part of an affair, we didn't get marry right away, didn't get married after our first child, and we felt no rush to marry. I know he'd never cheat, he knows I'd never cheat. With all we have going on in our lives, one or the other of us forget to tell the other about things and I forget to tell him things related to my business and work ALL the TIME. Part of having a post-affair relationship is trust and if the first thought is that something bad is happening every time a partner forgets to tell you something, you're in trouble. The fact you didn't meet this news with hysteria is great, though I'm nervous that your first thought was "he's a liar" before even asking him... Have you guys done therapy together? It helps, especially on the kids and ex-wife front.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

My married man was the first time I ever got enticed by another man in 11 years. Well I only was virtual online and never met. He picked away at me and turned me from not interested and unhappy in my life to utterly in love and desperate for escape. It was all a lie and a dream.

 

I found out that I was only one in dozens. He had to flee his online personality because he was being blackmailed by one of the mistresses I didn't know about.

 

These serial cheaters are sociopaths. They are habitual liars. I am sorry if you were conned by one and have a baby, but a secret business? Who does that?

[LoveOrNot]

I've decided to accept his explanation but to keep a close eye on things. I trust him but I also know that he has the ability to lie so I would be stupid to except what he says at face value. I will watch but trust that he's being honest - to a point.

[skydiveaddict]

Hello.

 

I don't think he's cheating on me or that he ever will, as he needs me too much

Thans for help.

 

Really? He ruined his marriage, is putting his children through hell and betrayal; and you were an enthusiastic accomplice to the whole thing.

 

You are both home wrecking cheats.

 

And you seriously think that your new bottom feeder boyfriend won't lie and/cheat on you as well?

Edited October 21, 2014 by skydiveaddict

[Redheaded Mistress]

Really? He ruined his marriage, is putting his children through hell and betrayal; and you were an enthusiastic accomplice to the whole thing.

 

You are both home wrecking cheats.

 

And you seriously think that your new bottom feeder boyfriend won't lie and/cheat on you as well?

 

I know it's hard to understand from the outside, and I honestly think that some BS's take a measure of comfort in believing that what happened to them will happen again with the person they cheated with, but it's not outrageous to think that just because you had an affair in the past that you'll have another one in the future. Yes, of course it could happen, but it could also happen that the stress and fallout from the one affair makes you think "boy, I'm not doing this again."

 

I had an affair, we eventually (after a lot of turmoil and flipping back and forth) got divorces and married each other. I believe an alien invasion would happen before either of us would have another affair. Despite the affair, neither of us are dishonest people, nor are we habitual cheaters. We are just people who were in failing marriages who acted in not the most honorable or honest way in getting out of them. We lied and cheated for a time about this one thing, but that doesn't make either one of us liars and cheaters generally. So I get what she's saying... If he's given no over-riding reason to distrust he's faithful, she has no reason to automatically assume he will be.

[skydiveaddict]

Despite the affair, neither of us are dishonest people, nor are we habitual cheaters.

 

Huh? You had an affair behind your husband's back and can't see what's dishonest about that?

 

We lied and cheated for a time about this one thing, but that doesn't make either one of us liars and cheaters generally.

 

It doesn't? So then you are willing to use your narcissism to manipulate other people's love and trust in you to get what you want?

 

Just read what you stated above once more:

 

We lied and cheated for a time about this one thing, but that doesn't make either one of us liars and cheaters generally.

 

Not liars and cheaters huh? Apparently you pick and choose which lies and betrayal are ethical and which are not. The very essence of narcissism..

[Redheaded Mistress]

Huh? You had an affair behind your husband's back and can't see what's dishonest about that?

 

I didn't say that. In fact, I said very specifically that we lied and cheated. I said that despite that lie, that cheating, we're not habitually dishonest people. We're generally honest people who did a dishonest thing.

 

It doesn't? So then you are willing to use your narcissism to manipulate other people's love and trust in you to get what you want?

 

I'm not sure how you got that subtext out of the phrase "we lied and cheated for a time about this one thing, but generally speaking, neither of us are liars or cheaters."

 

Not liars and cheaters huh? Apparently you pick and choose which lies and betrayal are ethical and which are not. The very essence of narcissism..

 

I didn't say what we did was ethical. I said the opposite, actually.

 

I don't want to get off track here, I was only making the point that it's not ridiculous for her to think just because he cheated with her, he'll cheat on her.

[skydiveaddict]

I didn't say what we did was ethical. I said the opposite, actually.

 

So then your unethical betrayal is ok, right? Just as long as you get what you want. Without a single thought about the lives you may have ruined

 

 

I don't want to get off track here, I was only making the point that it's not ridiculous for her to think just because he cheated with her, he'll cheat on her.

 

Yea. Great advice. You honestly think a cheater won't do it again?

He will.

 

But ya'll seem quite comfortable with blatant deceit. You deserve each other

[Redheaded Mistress]

So then your unethical betrayal is ok, right? Just as long as you get what you want. Without a single thought about the lives you may have ruined

 

Clearly, you're reading a lot into what I say to find things I'm not even implying and you have a lot of questions and assumptions. Since you're only taking how I explained how the OP may be at a place of trust with her husband despite an affair and turning into a discussion about my affair, I'm going to suggest you over at a new thread where you're more than welcome to ask me anything you want about my affair or relationship. Anything that helps you process whatever your own situation is I'll gladly share.

 

The point was explaining how somebody who's with their AP post-affair could trust their partner because the affair doesn't mean they will cheat again, that's all. Anything else specifically related to my affair is off topic here, but I'll happily discuss elsewhere.

 

Yea. Great advice. You honestly think a cheater won't do it again?

He will.

 

Like I said, it all depends. Somebody who habitually cheats? Sure, I'd say there's a high risk there. A one-time affair from otherwise faithful people who ended up divorcing to remarry their partner? The degree of risk in that seems low.

 

The OP seems like they've worked hard to maintain openness and trust and she has faith in each other, so I'm guessing the circumstances are such that she has a reason to have faith. Considering this is the one time she's had questions and the explanation seems legitimate, it seems like they're doing OK.

 

But ya'll seem quite comfortable with blatant deceit. You deserve each other

 

Without knowing me besides the three posts you've interacting with me on, you can't know what I'm comfortable and not comfortable with or what type of person I am. I'm happy to discuss it with you elsewhere because you seem to have a lot of questions about it.

 

And while it wasn't meant as a compliment, I'll take it as one that you feel we deserve each other. Neither one of us are cursed or burdened by having the other.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[LoveOrNot]

My BF did have other affairs before me. He admitted it to me when his wife told me. But that's not my worry, as I trust him. If I'm very honest, I will say that the money stuff is more worrying and I'm not sure why. He's answered me but it keeps bothering me.

Edited October 22, 2014 by LoveOrNot

[Sassy Girl]

Theres an old saying.... when a man marries his mistress it leaves a vacancy.

 

 

Be very careful. Protect yourself and your child. If he could do it to the woman he married, he could also do it to you.

 

 

I'd be careful with the blind trust. To be honest it sounds a bit naïve.

 

 

Take care

[eye of the storm]

LoveorNot,

 

I understand RedHeaded Mistress's assertion. She is saying that maybe in the case of a MM involved in an exit affair and they never cheated before maybe they will never cheat again.

 

That is not the case here. You admit you are not his first affair. That does change things. It is a red flag.

 

Maybe you are "bothered" by this situation because your head and heart are thinking different things. Sometimes when we love someone, we ignore red flags. Our heads are screaming warnings but our hearts are singing 80's love songs even louder.

 

When you are in a good honest relationship, your head and your heart are both on board. Because its right. You are still feeling unsettled, talk to him. Tell him that you need more information. Find out who is the beneficiary of his accounts. Either get the information to calm your head or set yourself up to protect yourself.

[truncated]

Your gut is trying to tell you something. Listen to it.

[Cressida]

You have a child with this man, you have the right to know everything, for your child's sake if not yours. Even if you are married or not, you have a human being created by you two, who has a father and a mother responsible for him/her. You should settle everything with him, for the benefit of your child.

 

Legal aspects might be complicated in various US states or countries around the world, no doubt, but there are also states whose constitutions protect both children born inside marriages as well as those born outside marriages in equal manner (my country, for example). Think about your child's well being, his future,education, health, emergency situations etc. This isn't something to see with rosy lenses. Granted, love and affection are the glue between two people in a couple, but those can end and if there are children in the middle, the paramount then becomes safeguarding their livelihood.

 

you are his partner and mother to 30% of his children, You have all the right in the world to know. Your best bet would be to marry him or if he doesn't want to, then openly ask him to make you the beneficiary of his account, or your child and his other children, in equal shares. It might sound antiquated but this is what all parents in the world ultimately work for, and what they put in effort for, for the benefit and well being of their children. Offspring play a major role in people's lives, whether we like it or not.

 

If I was in a relationship or even married with a man who had children from a previous marriage, I'd be perfectly fine with him providing for them, even at the expense of myself, as those are his children, his flesh and blood. If I also had a child with him, i'd make sure he treats my kid equally. Men who have had one night stands end up paying child support to women whose last names they barely know, just because of their paternity.

 

You MUST take this extremely, extremely seriously, I am telling you. Yes, we all come here to talk about feelings, trust, partners, relationships, but when it comes to such important matters, to hell with it all.

You don't want to walk on eggshells around him to protect his feelings, you must protect your child's interests which he obviously didn't think about. This is unusual for the father of a baby born in a relationship that he left a marriage for. You, as mother of his child, being unable or feeling uneasy to speak about core aspects such as income, finances, joint bank accounts, this is neither normal nor pleasant. It doesn't have to do with him being a liar (although it is very strange he acted this way), it has to do with you securing the future of your child. You must ask him to share all information with you, show you the papers, make you beneficiary. Don't fly off the handle about this, but you must adopt a very firm position about it.

It's not like you're a stripper in some joint he barely walked in twice. You deserve to be informed about everything as you are his partner.

 

Seriously, do something about this. You could discreetly discuss with a lawyer or seek for legal support in how to handle this, this is absolutely no joke.

Edited October 25, 2014 by Cressida

[irresolute]

One time cheater...

 

You can expect him to have a secret company and to have more lovers as well. You dont have to be surprised. Thats the kind of men he is.

[OwMyEyeball]

My BF did have other affairs before me. He admitted it to me when his wife told me. But that's not my worry, as I trust him. If I'm very honest, I will say that the money stuff is more worrying and I'm not sure why. He's answered me but it keeps bothering me.

Because sometimes intuition doesn't know when to shut up and let a blissful delusion run its course.