Is there such a thing as fear of commitment?

[idoltree]

Yes, I believe that it exists. I've had it myself, and I've been on the receiving end of it. Before you go any further with this theory, you need to make sure that there is not someone else that he is interested in. His behavior could go either way. He feels very guilty, so either there is someone else, or he knows how much letting his fear guide his decisions is hurting you.

 

If there is no one else, then, yes, he could be scared.

 

A good book to read is "He's Scared, She's Scared", which talks about different types of fear of commitment. Women tend to have the passive kind, men the active, but it can switch throughout many different relationships in life.

 

If this is what you think it is, and he is running and sabotaging the relationship, then your only hope is to leave him alone, completely. Drop off the face of the earth. You see, to justify leaving you, he's built up a list of your negative qualities in his head, and he is only paying attention to those. All of the wonderful things that you brought to his life are ignored and taken for granted. It is only when he feels your loss that he will regain a realistic view of you and your relationship. The sudden absence of all those good things that he's taken for granted can shake him up. But this can take months for him to get there, and then more months for him to find courage to reach out, so you have to be in this for the long haul.

 

Another reason that it is important to disappear is that his way of coping with stress is to disappear and avoid. Yours is to cling on and attach. Anything that you do will read to him as you pressuring him and it will drive him further away. He wants to be free and not in a relationship with you, then fine. Give him the gift of more space than he ever really wanted, which is a total absence of you. He can't feel pressured if you aren't around to pressure him.

 

My final reason for why dropping out of his life is important is that most dumpers make the decision to break up assuming that you will beg and cry and sit nicely on a shelf for them if they decide they made a mistake. It frees them up to have courage to explore the single life with confidence if they know you want them and are waiting for them and they can have you whenever they want. Do the opposite. Do not allow him the comfort of knowing your feelings or anything about your life. Acting the opposite of how he expects may shake him up a little.

 

So, accept that it is over because of his issues, and go through the grief process that you need to go through. If you want hope of him realizing he made a mistake and coming back, NC is absolutely necessary. Do not be tempted to break it, you're only doing yourself harm if you do, because you are not allowing him to miss you and feel your absence consistently over the months.

[KatZee]

KatZee, that man sounds like an a-hole.

 

You don't even know the half of it.

[xUnknown]

@xunknown are we able to DM on here? It'd be nice to talk to someone going through the same! I'll read your post too

 

You have to hit 50 posts. But sure, feel free to message me when you hit that mark.

[Itspointless]

so either there is someone else, or he knows how much letting his fear guide his decisions is hurting you.

I hear you idoltree. You wrote it down well. She knew. she told me she did not want to hurt me, She had switched of all feelings (due to stress) and she saw touch as some kind of attack. She reminded me of doctor Spock: logic, only focussing on solutions, no talk about problems or emotions. I was important to her, 'but now I cant'. Some maybe's, but no clear answers at all, and 'I do not want to think about it'. I have tried waiting for her. After some time she contacted me a few times with a few lines telling me to be happy. It was torture pretending to be happy while being concerned about her health (ilness) so I told her I wasn't and coudn't be a friend at that moment. Its no contact since. It feels like I have broken up with saying that.

Edited October 19, 2014 by Itspointless

[Tayla]

yes fear of committment is real.

 

Guide the person to regroup their thought pattern. realistically no one wants to be caged. For a Person with committment problems it's that thought that they have to "forever" be locked into a scenario that is mundane or without escape. As adults we must understand that nothing is set in stone and when you take away that concept that it will be this way forever, we open up the door to possiblities! Absolutely zero of my relationships turned out as I envisioned, and I wouldnt have wanted it any other way....So tell this chap to take a ride to the place of possibilities....its better then the lock caged that is often seared into a commitment phobes mind. Being committed to another can be a form of stability...yet it can have its array/assortment of life twists that keep it enlivening!

[Woggle]

I though I was afraid of it but when I found somebody I knew in my heart was 100% worth it it was very easy.

[xUnknown]

I hear you idoltree. You wrote it down well. She knew. she told me she did not want to hurt me, She had switched of all feelings (due to stress) and she saw touch as some kind of attack. She reminded me of doctor Spock: logic, only focussing on solutions, no talk about problems or emotions. I was important to her, 'but now I cant'. Some maybe's, but no clear answers at all, and 'I do not want to think about it'. I have tried waiting for her. After some time she contacted me a few times with a few lines telling me to be happy. It was torture pretending to be happy while being concerned about her health (ilness) so I told her I wasn't and coudn't be a friend at that moment. Its no contact since. It feels like I have broken up with saying that.

 

I hear ya man. Reading that hurt me. Its been one of the more difficult days for me. I hope you're doing well.

 

or he knows how much letting his fear guide his decisions is hurting you.

 

--Yep, Pretty much hit the nail on the head for me as well for my break-up

[Itspointless]

I hear ya man. Reading that hurt me. Its been one of the more difficult days for me. I hope you're doing well.

Thanks man, appreciate your comment. Feeling a bit melancholic the last couple of days. I never expected that the short time I had with her would keep me hooked this long. It touched old pain coming from illness and death during my adolescence from one of my parents. It gave me some new insights to work on. Some things in life we can't change, I guess usually the things we wanted to change most.