acapelo_dp Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 I am happily taking the advice of those who offered rational explanations of how to talk with him. All those suggestions are currently swimming through my head as I create my own version. Straight up coming out and saying I will NOT tolerate it, as I've stated many times before, is not what I want to do. Not only will that likely cause an argument, but it will make him shut down and not be comfortable with being open with me. I kind of understand as I find women hot but would never do anything sexual with one. I often point out hot girls to my boyfriend but he rarely responds. I would only be okay with him agreeing a girl was "hot" if I feel secure, loved and happy in my relationship. Maybe try saying "hey babe, I think it's fun to talk about this subject but maybe it went too far last time. It hurt my feelings, would you mind not taking it as far next time?" There's a point where you can be open and comfortable with your SO but realizing boundaries as well. We all want our SO's to feel important and attractive as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Are you bisexual? If you aren't into girls too then I don't even get his "would you do her" question? That sounds like something a 13 yr. old would ask his girlfriend. Think about if a girl said to her boyfriend 'that guy is cute, would you do him'? That would be weird. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Sounds like you worked it out in your head, and have a plan of action on how you want to handle this. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Then asks me "babe, would you do her?" And I said "no.", so then he asks, "but why?" I look at him and raise my eyebrows "I wouldn't do her because I don't like vaginas" and sort of shrug, really confused about what this conversations about. Then the kicker. He says "but she's hot!" I slowly agree, saying "okay, yes, but that doesn't mean I would want to do her" and at this point my annoyance is probably obvious. Then he says "huh, I guess its different for girls, cause when a guy thinks a girls hot he wants to do her" Wow. In a matter of a minute he called another girl hot and implied he wanted to do her. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this conversation. Does he have severe Aspergers or some other social interaction disorder? I can't see how a man above the age of 14 could find this an acceptable form of conversation with his girlfriend. He always tells me he would like me with highlights, and that I should let my hair grow long and threatens he would dump me if I chopped it, but I just don't want to deal with all of that. Was the above conversation truly 'out of character' for him if he 'always' does this? This isn't something that a loving partner or even a mature casual partner says. Honestly I'd actually be more concerned about this part than the above conversation, although both are still pretty worrying. Straight up coming out and saying I will NOT tolerate it, as I've stated many times before, is not what I want to do. Not only will that likely cause an argument, but it will make him shut down and not be comfortable with being open with me. Why do you feel that telling him you won't tolerate it anymore would cause a big argument? If he was just genuinely being clueless and thoughtless and it was truly out of character, he would apologize and agree with you. If he argues with you about this then this IS his character, isn't it? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) I understand you want to defend him. But I need to ask you - do you know what your boundary is - and what that looks like for you? Do you feel at all that you've moved your boundary to suit his bad behavior at all since dating him? From my experience if you keep adjusting your style of communicating to suit not hurting his feelings - you may very well get to a point where you're unable to express any of your feelings to him. What would be a good balance for you? Edited October 17, 2014 by 2sunny 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 "huh, I guess its different for girls, cause when a guy thinks a girls hot he wants to do her" You: No, it's the same. I don't want to f*ck hot girls. You don't want to f*ck hot guys. How about you start asking him to f*ck hot guys and then when he's like WTF, tell him that you think the guy is super hot and f*ckable Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) Your bf may not be abusive but he's a huge immature baby. You have to pussyfoot around for *just the right time* to bring up your displeasure in *just the right way* so he doesn't freak out. He's a man-child capable of nothing more than a teenage like relationship. You can't even have an adult conversation without OMG but he will think I'm whining and annoying and omg he will be confused as to why I didnt like that. He fked up and yet it's still all about figuring out how to cater to his immaturity. Baffling. Edited October 17, 2014 by veggirl 9 Link to post Share on other sites
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