I need to end my affair

[total loss]

Thank you everyone.

This is the first time I have ever cheated on anyone.

Like I've mentioned my husband is amazing however just for more insight for you posters and readers things between us have been somewhat neglected these last few years. I was comfortably numb until the AP started showing an interest in me.

It didn't just happen overnight, he pursued me for some time.

I'm not blaming my husband or the AP I'm just giving a little background information.

I want to but this behind me, be able to fix our marriage

[curiousGeorge2]

Most prof therapists recommended no confession for the simple reason that a confession will make the marriage even more difficult.

 

As for the OM, since he is married too and has as much to loss, I doubt he will make trouble for you.

[CarrieT]

Most prof therapists recommended no confession for the simple reason that a confession will make the marriage even more difficult.

I think you are wrong on so many levels with this statement.

 

Common thought on this site is that most therapists want the perp to confess and it has nothing to do with making a marriage more difficult at all.

 

Where did you get this idea?

[Friskyone4u]

Those telling you not to confess are advising you to be totally selfish and not give your husband the right to decide for himself if he can forgive you. Not telling will do two other things

(1) it will insure when he does find out that it will be worse because your deceit and lying will do as much damage as the sex

(2) you will know you got away with it and rather than only carry guilt you will be more likely to do it again because your poor husband is clueless and you are keeping him that way . Please don't say it will never happen again. Something was wrong with your boundaries which is not being addressed by not telling and you never intended to do it this time but it happened so save the promises to yourself that you are not capable of doing this again

Your concern by not telling is for yourself not hound husband. Just admit it

[curiousGeorge2]

I think you are wrong on so many levels with this statement.

 

Common thought on this site is that most therapists want the perp to confess and it has nothing to do with making a marriage more difficult at all.

 

Where did you get this idea?

 

Many common thoughts on this site are just wrong.

 

I got the idea from those therapists posts and those went to therapists.

[Sub]

Hurting them to ease your conscious is not OK. But, if you are still confused, haven't ended it, etc...that is different. But, if you are sure you are done and the BS doesn't know, do not hurt them to ease your guilt.

 

Yeah, I don't think people recommend confessing for this reason at all. The idea that the confession is what will hurt is a fallacy IMO. It's what the confession is about that causes the pain. What a WS should ask themselves is this: what are the odds that my spouse will find out by some means other than my own confession? Because I'd be willing to bet that most BS's won't accept "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you." It's a potential double-whammy, IMO.

[gettingstronger]

Because I'd be willing to bet that most BS's won't accept "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you." It's a potential double-whammy, IMO.

 

 

I agree- I found out through an anon text and it was awful- our OW is not in our social circle, she lives 1000 miles away but she snapped and exposed him- this is a real possibility for you as well-

 

I do hope you are taking care of you- you have a long road ahead no matter what you decide to do-confess or not- I do worry that not confessing will put a cloud over your head that will be hard to shake mentally-

 

I know I keep saying this-but please do not go this alone- do not depend on venting on this and other boards to get it all out-you should go in to counseling to help you- you are a Mother and need to be whole for your children-

 

Again- good luck-

[total loss]

Hi again

I live in the UK. Can counselling be arranged via the nhs if so I'll book an appointment to see my doctor.

I have read all your posts and have instead of ignoring the OMM (despite already telling him I can't do this anymore). I have told him that I will tell work and his wife if he doesn't leave me alone.

I now need to tell my husband. I've come close but get scared and change my mind and talk about something else.

I know I need to tell him. He needs to know that his wife is a lying cheating selfish whore but I just can't find the words.

I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I've started drinking every night which is not like me.

I feel sick all the time and I'm depressed. I can't stop crying.

I feel so worthless.

[the_artist_1970]

Hi again

I live in the UK. Can counselling be arranged via the nhs if so I'll book an appointment to see my doctor.

I have read all your posts and have instead of ignoring the OMM (despite already telling him I can't do this anymore). I have told him that I will tell work and his wife if he doesn't leave me alone.

I now need to tell my husband. I've come close but get scared and change my mind and talk about something else.

I know I need to tell him. He needs to know that his wife is a lying cheating selfish whore but I just can't find the words.

I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I've started drinking every night which is not like me.

I feel sick all the time and I'm depressed. I can't stop crying.

I feel so worthless.

 

Self loathing will not help you. Thinking this about yourself only reinforces you to stay in the A because after all you think you are all of those bad things so why not act out and stay the liar/cheater. You have to reverse your thinking and make yourself believe that you are a woman with honor and integrity. A woman who lives an authentic life. Start telling yourself this every day. Look in the mirror and tell the woman staring back at you that you are a good woman, wife, mother and friend. Tell yourself that until your behavior lines up with those words. And the next time the MOM contacts you do tell his wife. Sometimes exposure is the only way to bring the affair to a close. As long as you don't tell, you and him are still sharing your dirty little secret and you two are partners in crime in the betrayal of each other's spouses.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Hi again

I live in the UK. Can counselling be arranged via the nhs if so I'll book an appointment to see my doctor.

I have read all your posts and have instead of ignoring the OMM (despite already telling him I can't do this anymore). I have told him that I will tell work and his wife if he doesn't leave me alone.

I now need to tell my husband. I've come close but get scared and change my mind and talk about something else.

I know I need to tell him. He needs to know that his wife is a lying cheating selfish whore but I just can't find the words.

I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I've started drinking every night which is not like me.

I feel sick all the time and I'm depressed. I can't stop crying.

I feel so worthless.

 

Before you tell your husband, get help for yourself. You may be many things, but a "lying, cheating whore" is not one of them. You made a mistake. Yes, it was a devastating mistake with huge ramifications for your life, but even knowing that, the degree of self-loathing you feel won't help you and it won't help him. You need something to tell him, information he can process, and self-deprecation won't do that.

 

Before you can help him, before you can help your marriage, you have to help yourself.

[eye of the storm]

Total loss, call the NHS and ask. You don't have to tell them why you are depressed, just that you need some IC because you are depressed.

 

As to telling your spouse, that is up to you but if you decide to do it. I would recommend a day where you to have the next day off so you can both process more or if you/he are too upset you don't miss a day of work. If kids are involved, have them spending the night away.

 

If it were me, I would have taken some actions before this conversation (setting up IC for me). Then tell him that you screwed up, that you didn't respect yourself, him, or your marriage. Tell him you have made appointments for IC to figure out why you did what you did and how to not do it again. Ask if he would be willing to go to MC with you so you two can start over. Then be prepared for anger and lots of questions.

 

The hardest thing for you will be not going on the defense/attack when he is blowing up. You must remember he has had a shock. He is angry. He feels like (probably a million things none good). Let him vent, ask questions that maybe you don't want to answer. Don't put any of this on him.

 

He may forgive you, he may leave you. But it sounds like the guilt is getting to you so you are going to have to do something.

 

No matter what happens, get some therapy for you. You are on stress overload and it can and does cause physical issues. You are not worthless, you screwed up, welcome to the club. You can and will come back from this. Nothing will ever be the same but that is life. Constant change.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope it works out for you.

[curiousGeorge2]

Now you compounded ur mistakes by allowing yourself cyber bullied.

 

I would seek professional help not asking strangers for help on such important questions.

[Noproblem]

I do not get why would you want to end it since you love him!

 

Don't get me wrong what you did is horrible

 

But ending this affair and returning to the husband you cheated on is even worse

 

The truth is he is a good husband, but you don't love him anymore!

 

So, it's time to leave your husband, and then try to figure out the next tip.

 

You can't have it all!

you can't have a husband and a lover and great kids

 

If you end this affair, you will live miserable, and you will cheat again

 

If you leave you husband, your life will collapse, but at least you will try to build it up again as a divorced women.

 

What I am saying is:

 

These is no use in ending an affair if you still love the other guy

 

Loving someone else is cheating as well!

[Sofie2013]

Hi again

I live in the UK. Can counselling be arranged via the nhs if so I'll book an appointment to see my doctor.

I have read all your posts and have instead of ignoring the OMM (despite already telling him I can't do this anymore). I have told him that I will tell work and his wife if he doesn't leave me alone.

I now need to tell my husband. I've come close but get scared and change my mind and talk about something else.

I know I need to tell him. He needs to know that his wife is a lying cheating selfish whore but I just can't find the words.

I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I've started drinking every night which is not like me.

I feel sick all the time and I'm depressed. I can't stop crying.

I feel so worthless.

 

 

I know how you are feeling I was in your shoes not that long ago. I went through all of the same feelings and I wish I could say I will get better but I won’t it’s going to get worse before it gets better. You are just going to have to stay strong. I know it isn’t easy but please take care of yourself, your kids and husband going to need you.

 

When it comes to telling your husband you might want to do it with a letter. Just write how you feel. Sit him down and having him read the letter with you next to him and hope for the best. It’s how I did it but it didn’t go as planned.

[Be_Strong]

I second the advice to write everything out in a letter. If you try to talk to him in person, your thoughts will be all over the place and you won't be able to get out everything you need to say. But, I would recommend that you not be present when he reads it.