Something I WHOLE HEARTEDLY believe

[gettingstronger]

You know, I have to say that I read a couple of other relationship boards and in their infidelity sections, the clear majority of the BS's posting there truly believe their WH had been pursued by the OW, or that she 'took advantage' of him while he was 'vulnerable' or that she chased him relentlessly until he finally 'gave in' to her in a weak moment, etc. etc.

 

 

My husband kind of went down this path with me-he travels A LOT and gets hit on a lot so he said something like, after a while, I was weak and gave in- that convo turned quickly- he is a grown man and with a wife and family at home missing him and loving him there is no excuse there-its interesting, in therapy he admits to being vulnerable to these advances but understands that he and I should have talked through this first rather than him just "giving in"

 

On the road for whatever reason there are plenty of willing women-not sure if its the first class tickets, the upgraded suites, the expense accounts of what- there is even a name for them among business travelers "roadies"- all of it shouldn't matter though-he should have resisted and he did not-

[waterwoman]

Well personally I wholeheartedly beleive that it takes two to tango. However, whatever her culpability regarding the affair, she is irrelevant to me now. I went through phases of jealousy, hate, compassion and finally indifference. Having said that I don't much care for the way she behaved so I am sure we won't ever be best friends ...

 

I am totally clear on who broke the rules of my marriage.

[the_artist_1970]

WOW, many replies, very thought provoking discussions going on here, always a GOOD thing.

 

 

When I posted, I was originally referring to the BS putting the bulk of the blame on the OW/OM. Some find it is just basic nature since you are trying to R your M with your BS, not the OM/OW. It is "easier" to see the AP as the evil doer. If you don't trick the mind into believing your WS, how can you even R in your mind that the person that vowed to put you before all others lied, f#@$d another person, shared secrets and in my case was/is deeply in love with the AP. So what do we do as humans? We trick ourselves into seeing ALL the good in our BS's while villainizing the AP.

 

 

How else do we R within ourselves to stay, much less R the M?

 

What??? Do you really think that the BS gives their spouse a free pass and blames it all on the OW? That is not even rational. What happens is that the WS catches h3ll from the BS initially. The BS is very upset at the xap initially if she knew the person was married and messed around with him/her anyway. I cannot understand why the xow thinks that the BS is blaming them totally. It took two ppl to have an A and therefore two ppl are to blame.

 

Most BSs have years of great years with their spouses and the first A isn't necessary a deal breaker if the WS is willing to put in the work to make the BS believe that he can remain faithful. I don't know a single BS who puts the blame on the OW/OM. I think the problem lies in the OW/OM who think they have no responsibility in the A because they are not the ones who are married to the BS. Which IMHO is narcissistic thinking and behavior. I have always lived a life where I consider how my actions might hurt others and I think about that before I make destructive decisions (i.e. agreeing to sleep with a MM). But that's just me.

[merrmeade]

What??? Do you really think that the BS gives their spouse a free pass and blames it all on the OW? That is not even rational. What happens is that the WS catches h3ll from the BS initially. The BS is very upset at the xap initially if she knew the person was married and messed around with him/her anyway. I cannot understand why the xow thinks that the BS is blaming them totally. It took two ppl to have an A and therefore two ppl are to blame.

 

Most BSs have years of great years with their spouses and the first A isn't necessary a deal breaker if the WS is willing to put in the work to make the BS believe that he can remain faithful. I don't know a single BS who puts the blame on the OW/OM. I think the problem lies in the OW/OM who think they have no responsibility in the A because they are not the ones who are married to the BS. Which IMHO is narcissistic thinking and behavior. I have always lived a life where I consider how my actions might hurt others and I think about that before I make destructive decisions (i.e. agreeing to sleep with a MM). But that's just me.

I don't think BSs naturally blame only the OW/OM, rather than the WS or that anyone's saying that. I think people are saying that the WS tries to present him/herself as the victim of the OW/M's pursuits or seductions.

 

Any interaction with the OW/M is also so very disagreeable that BSs seem to find it easy to hate them, which is not the same as blaming them.

 

But the other happens as well. There's this whole phenomenon called "betrayal blindness" in which BSs literally cannot SEE the evidence when it's right there in front of them: Betrayal Blindness: How and Why We 'Whoosh' Away Knowledge of Betrayal in Relationships*|*Pamela J. Birrell and Jennifer J. Freyd

It's a survival or defense mechanism that the BS doesn't realize s/he's engaging to avoid the trauma of facing the facts.

 

I did this at age 25 when someone told me that she and my H "almost screwed." He gave a two-sentence explanation, and "whoosh," I never thought about it again until two years ago. I would call "gaslighting" the WS side of it: Twisting the facts to convince a gullible BS it's not what it seems. Hard to believe it and harder to admit, but having been there, done that, I can verify that it can happen.

Edited October 15, 2014 by merrmeade