My Affair Ended and I Miss Her

[CanI]

I certainly understand your opinion, and respect your right to it.

 

However, I am, personally, a huge believer in knowing the truth of your own life, which the OP's wife does not have. And I also know that in retrospect, with my spouse's affair, there were things along the way that I took as blame during our relationship ( he was an overbenefitted spouse), that needed to change as we went forward.

 

I am also a believer, as another poster stated, that part of the reason he is pining away for the OW is that it has remained a secret. A secret between the two of them, which keeps some of the romantic and non reality based aspect to the affair. It will be, in my opinion, far harder for him to process and move forward with a soft focus romantic replay of how great the affair was and no consequences.

 

The thing is? He does not have to have a loveless marriage. He can have a marriage with love and deep contentment, one based on honesty. And one without the distraction of a continued contrast affect from the affair partner. But he has to tell the truth to get to that point.

 

Something to think about.

"But he has to tell the truth to get to that point"

 

I don't know how true your final comment is but I appreciate the time you took to offer perspective. Thank you.

[CanI]

I certainly understand your opinion, and respect your right to it.

 

However, I am, personally, a huge believer in knowing the truth of your own life, which the OP's wife does not have. And I also know that in retrospect, with my spouse's affair, there were things along the way that I took as blame during our relationship ( he was an overbenefitted spouse), that needed to change as we went forward.

 

I am also a believer, as another poster stated, that part of the reason he is pining away for the OW is that it has remained a secret. A secret between the two of them, which keeps some of the romantic and non reality based aspect to the affair. It will be, in my opinion, far harder for him to process and move forward with a soft focus romantic replay of how great the affair was and no consequences.

 

The thing is? He does not have to have a loveless marriage. He can have a marriage with love and deep contentment, one based on honesty. And one without the distraction of a continued contrast affect from the affair partner. But he has to tell the truth to get to that point.

 

Something to think about.

 

Responded to wrong quote - my error so I am attempting to correct. New to this site.

Edited October 14, 2014 by CanI
Wrong Quote

[Lovelysweet2]

I am and have been

 

Are you in love with your wife? And would you be okay if she was carrying on an affair similar to yours for 13 years with lets say your best friend in the same passionate manner?

[merrmeade]

I certainly understand your opinion, and respect your right to it.

 

However, I am, personally, a huge believer in knowing the truth of your own life, which the OP's wife does not have. And I also know that in retrospect, with my spouse's affair, there were things along the way that I took as blame during our relationship ( he was an overbenefitted spouse), that needed to change as we went forward.

 

I am also a believer, as another poster stated, that part of the reason he is pining away for the OW is that it has remained a secret. A secret between the two of them, which keeps some of the romantic and non reality based aspect to the affair. It will be, in my opinion, far harder for him to process and move forward with a soft focus romantic replay of how great the affair was and no consequences.

 

The thing is? He does not have to have a loveless marriage. He can have a marriage with love and deep contentment, one based on honesty. And one without the distraction of a continued contrast affect from the affair partner. But he has to tell the truth to get to that point.

 

Something to think about.

Oh, wow, I did not intend to succeed so well in presenting the OP's rationalizations for keeping his wife "unaware" that anyone would believe I actually agree with him, much less the OP himself. Good grief.

 

No, when I asked the questions in the final paragraph:

So why can't anyone help him already? Can't we just for once drop the assumption that the BS should know the truth? Why, since everything is all over and he's ready to live a loveless, but stable and comfortable, life with her? Why should he upset her and their grandchildren?

I thought anyone would see the obvious double-speak. Of course, the assumption that the BS should know the truth cannot be dismissed! And, just because everything is all over, he does not have the right to continue deceiving his wife. He never had that right.

 

But he does not question that just as he does not think about his wife's right to know the truth. Are you kidding?! What a sh--storm that would produce! Upset the grandchildren and even the AP's family possibly. Why would he do that?! (Once again: tongue-in-cheek)

 

No, I think that all cheaters — WHs, WWs, OWs, OMs — have to distort their thinking to live with themselves. It's clear that this OP's wife has not enjoyed his emotional investment in their marriage for some time, or he would not continue evading questions about her as a person who has a right to trust him and count on his faithfulness, a person who would be devastated by his betrayal. As long as she is not a personality that is vulnerable to him and to whom he is vulnerable, then he is free to move mechanically through the provider motions and feel sorry for himself and the loss of his mistress because they are the only human beings moving in his universe. He has idealized HER and dehumanized the other.

 

And, yes, of course, he can and should "have a marriage with love and deep contentment, one based on honesty. And one without the distraction of a continued contrast affect from the affair partner." But not only does he have "to tell the truth to get to that point," he has to value truth as an irrevocable and inviolable element of relationship and love. Sadly for him and for his marriage, I do not believe he has any idea what we are talking about.

[truncated]

Anytime I read a story such as this, I always wonder what would happen were the BS to find out about the A somehow. I know most WS and OW assume that can't happen, as they are so good at keeping the secret, but just suppose it does happen.

 

What then?

 

If that were to happen, the op could stand to lose his wife, his comfortable life and the respect of his children/ grandchildren. I know some will say that's why he should never be honest, but unless he can 100% guarntee his ex-ow will never let he cat out of he bag, or, if she is married, that her spouse will never find out and let his wife in on the whole mess, he can't know taht for certain.

[HermioneG]

Oh, wow, I did not intend to succeed so well in presenting the OP's rationalizations for keeping his wife "unaware" that anyone would believe I actually agree with him, much less the OP himself. Good grief.

 

No, when I asked the questions in the final paragraph:

 

I thought anyone would see the obvious double-speak. Of course, the assumption that the BS should know the truth cannot be dismissed! And, just because everything is all over, he does not have the right to continue deceiving his wife. He never had that right.

 

But he does not question that just as he does not think about his wife's right to know the truth. Are you kidding?! What a sh--storm that would produce! Upset the grandchildren and even the AP's family possibly. Why would he do that?! (Once again: tongue-in-cheek)

 

No, I think that all cheaters — WHs, WWs, OWs, OMs — have to distort their thinking to live with themselves. It's clear that this OP's wife has not enjoyed his emotional investment in their marriage for some time, or he would not continue evading questions about her as a person who has a right to trust him and count on his faithfulness, a person who would be devastated by his betrayal. As long as she is not a personality that is vulnerable to him and to whom he is vulnerable, then he is free to move mechanically through the provider motions and feel sorry for himself and the loss of his mistress because they are the only human beings moving in his universe. He has idealized HER and dehumanized the other.

 

And, yes, of course, he can and should "have a marriage with love and deep contentment, one based on honesty. And one without the distraction of a continued contrast affect from the affair partner." But not only does he have "to tell the truth to get to that point," he has to value truth as an irrevocable and inviolable element of relationship and love. Sadly for him and for his marriage, I do not believe he has any idea what we are talking about.

 

I am sorry I misread you so completely. My apologies.

[HermioneG]

"But he has to tell the truth to get to that point"

 

I don't know how true your final comment is but I appreciate the time you took to offer perspective. Thank you.

 

I would suggest that once you embrace truth as a way to approach your life, you will recognize that your spouse deserves honesty. Everyone does.

[jackslife]

You are mourning the loss of the end of a relationship. This is something that most of us go through it at some time. A loving relationship that lasted 12 year is a big deal when it comes to an end.

 

However, because the relationship was also an affair it creates a different set of problems.

 

If you had just been dumped from a normal relationship, you could go to the gym, friends would take you out, you'd go through the entire upset and mourning the end of a relationship brings and then one day start dating again and move forward. You can't do that. You can't tell your friends, you can't tell your wife (well you could but she won't be sympathetic to your plight), your marriage won't fulfil what you are now missing (if it could you wouldn't have needed an affair). And there is no new relationship in the offing.

 

You have to go through this alone and with no potential light of someone new at the end of the tunnel. So you will find it bloody hard.

 

I'd suggest a counsellor. At least someone you can be honest and unload with. The big question is the end of the affair created a huge void, your marriage won't fill that void. So what do you do to fill the void?

[eleanorrigby]

How does anyone help another get over the loss of a relationship?

IMO it's mostly just listening and being a shoulder or "virtual" shoulder to cry on, telling you to take deep breaths, don't drink too much wine and drunk dial, take a bubble bath, meditate, exercise, join plentyoffish.

 

If the relationship is over, it's over. Think of it like a death and just let time heal your wounds. What else can you do? It can't rain all the time and in a couple of years, it probably won't be in the front of your mind all day long anymore.

 

Because your wife does not matter in this scenario, my suggestion would be to post your story in a dating forum, and not mention your wife. Just say you broke up with your girlfriend and you are a single grand dad.

Then you won't have to deal with "off-topic" and annoying posts about your wife, her feelings, and her future.

[merrmeade]

Anytime I read a story such as this, I always wonder what would happen were the BS to find out about the A somehow. I know most WS and OW assume that can't happen, as they are so good at keeping the secret, but just suppose it does happen.

Ummm. Which DOES happen - all the time - and is how most of us got here. It's probably the only way this OP will realize that, in the long run, his character lost more than his libido gained in passion points during those 12 years. That sullied soul will continue pricking him long after the limp libido ceases to serve whether we remind him on LS or not.

 

So considering how long he's been at it and what he's had to do, OP's developed important life skills and might distract himself with a new career: crime. He can now manipulate his own thinking to justify what once might have been unthinkable behavior. He's adept at dismissing nagging issues of conscience, such as broken marriage vows, converting wives into grandmothers, mares past breeding who are put out to pasture (notice there is no "grandfather"). Infidelity and betrayal made perfect training grounds with 12 years already under his belt, learning to lie, cheat, trick and generally manipulate others. Just a little twist in perspective here, moral adjustment there, keep ratcheting things up, fuel with risk-taking and secrecy, and the young stallion lives forever with payback. A regular godfather. (Might have been, too, except for the race issue, proving AP's child was her husband's, rather than super-granddad's).

 

See, the lawyer approach earlier - presenting the facts straight, keeping the progression of logic (lack of it) simple - didn't work, so maybe extremes of sarcasm and irony will. OP sees himself as a good guy, not a criminal (I suppose), but he has spent 12 years acting like one and successfully avoiding reality and morality.

 

To return to questions of authenticity, OP has been genuinely unable to see or think about the fact that, whether or not they know what he's done to them and their relationship with him, real people have been damaged - including himself.

Edited October 14, 2014 by merrmeade

[CanI]

You are mourning the loss of the end of a relationship. This is something that most of us go through it at some time. A loving relationship that lasted 12 year is a big deal when it comes to an end.

 

However, because the relationship was also an affair it creates a different set of problems.

 

If you had just been dumped from a normal relationship, you could go to the gym, friends would take you out, you'd go through the entire upset and mourning the end of a relationship brings and then one day start dating again and move forward. You can't do that. You can't tell your friends, you can't tell your wife (well you could but she won't be sympathetic to your plight), your marriage won't fulfil what you are now missing (if it could you wouldn't have needed an affair). And there is no new relationship in the offing.

 

You have to go through this alone and with no potential light of someone new at the end of the tunnel. So you will find it bloody hard.

 

I'd suggest a counsellor. At least someone you can be honest and unload with. The big question is the end of the affair created a huge void, your marriage won't fill that void. So what do you do to fill the void?

"So what do you do to fill the void?"

 

That was my question to start with.

[CanI]

Ummm. Which DOES happen - all the time - and is how most of us got here. It's probably the only way this OP will realize that, in the long run, his character lost more than his libido gained in passion points during those 12 years. That sullied soul will continue pricking him long after the limp libido ceases to serve whether we remind him on LS or not.

 

So considering how long he's been at it and what he's had to do, OP's developed important life skills and might distract himself with a new career: crime. He can now manipulate his own thinking to justify what once might have been unthinkable behavior. He's adept at dismissing nagging issues of conscience, such as broken marriage vows, converting wives into grandmothers, mares past breeding who are put out to pasture (notice there is no "grandfather"). Infidelity and betrayal made perfect training grounds with 12 years already under his belt, learning to lie, cheat, trick and generally manipulate others. Just a little twist in perspective here, moral adjustment there, keep ratcheting things up, fuel with risk-taking and secrecy, and the young stallion lives forever with payback. A regular godfather. (Might have been, too, except for the race issue, proving AP's child was her husband's, rather than super-granddad's).

 

See, the lawyer approach earlier - presenting the facts straight, keeping the progression of logic (lack of it) simple - didn't work, so maybe extremes of sarcasm and irony will. OP sees himself as a good guy, not a criminal (I suppose), but he has spent 12 years acting like one and successfully avoiding reality and morality.

 

To return to questions of authenticity, OP has been genuinely unable to see or think about the fact that, whether or not they know what he's done to them and their relationship with him, real people have been damaged - including himself.

Morality and criminality are not one in the same.

 

There is a lot of immoral behavior that is not illegal.

[Ronni_W]

"So what do you do to fill the void?"

 

That was my question to start with.

It's not unlike dealing with the death of a loved one. Except that you're pretty much left on your own having to deal with this one. A counselor who specializes in recovering from loss may offer good support, or a pastor or spiritual director/mentor...anyone, really, who is non-judgmental, compassionate and understands that, as of yet, not ALL humans have attained perfection and infallibility.

 

At the same time, you may be able to offer support to people in the 'other man/other woman' sub-forum; it's a situation in which some people do find themselves, happily or unhappily...and seems to be an easy target at which to throw stones.

 

I appreciate how well you've been able to maintain your equanimity, and wish you the best.

[CarrieT]

"So what do you do to fill the void?"

 

That was my question to start with.

 

You confess the affair to your wife so that the void is filled with acts of contrition, repair, and regret.

 

There will be no time to wax poetic about the lost love when you are scrambling to maintain and rebuild a marriage.

[CanI]

It's not unlike dealing with the death of a loved one. Except that you're pretty much left on your own having to deal with this one. A counselor who specializes in recovering from loss may offer good support, or a pastor or spiritual director/mentor...anyone, really, who is non-judgmental, compassionate and understands that, as of yet, not ALL humans have attained perfection and infallibility.

 

At the same time, you may be able to offer support to people in the 'other man/other woman' sub-forum; it's a situation in which some people do find themselves, happily or unhappily...and seems to be an easy target at which to throw stones.

 

I appreciate how well you've been able to maintain your equanimity, and wish you the best.

Thank you for your feedback and civility. It's far better than some of the others posting and appreciated

[CanI]

You confess the affair to your wife so that the void is filled with acts of contrition, repair, and regret.

 

There will be no time to wax poetic about the lost love when you are scrambling to maintain and rebuild a marriage.

Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate your thoughts.

[jackslife]

"So what do you do to fill the void?"

 

That was my question to start with.

 

I'd recommend a counsellor to talk through the end of your relationship, a) because you can't share your loss with friends and family and b) because he may help with the relationship with your wife.

 

You've chosen not to tell your wife and from the sound of it the affair is over. So you're not ending your marriage and you no longer have an affair partner. In your case I think it's obvious, I'd suggest another affair partner or a mistress.

[Popsicle]

Don't tell your wife. See a counselor to deal with the things that plague you.

[ComingInHot]

You frew my ire because despite my attempte to be polite, you kept being an *******.

 

I know NOTHING about my profession, my earnings, my career. NOTHING.

 

Your husband cheated on you because he could and more than likely, your mouth. He's porbaboly cheating on you today.

 

By the way, my wife and daughter are both teachers. One teaches Literature at a university and holds two Masters Degrees and the other holds a Masers Degree and teaches elementary school. We're an educated household.

 

 

I ask, politely, Cani, are your comments to Getting Stronger an argument of some sorts?

She was just sharing with you what Her H says in the aftermath of His Cheating and what he has learned.

Now, I am only going off of these 2 posts but maybe if you sought out help from a professional source to gain feedback of an objective sort, your argument might become more substantiated regarding your A and less defensive.

Amended to also add, in the Affair section of LS, it is sometimes impossible to not be defensive. That's the part I don't like because at the end, we all are hurting because of the same D@mn thing for different reasons.

 

Good luck making better decisions in your future OP *

[HermioneG]

You frew my ire because despite my attempte to be polite, you kept being an *******.

 

I know NOTHING about my profession, my earnings, my career. NOTHING.

 

Your husband cheated on you because he could and more than likely, your mouth. He's porbaboly cheating on you today.

 

By the way, my wife and daughter are both teachers. One teaches Literature at a university and holds two Masters Degrees and the other holds a Masers Degree and teaches elementary school. We're an educated household.

 

Sometimes, hurt people hurt people, because they don't have better coping skills.

 

The anger you are placing on someone you don't know, and suggesting that you know both why he cheated on her and suggested he was doing it again today is cruel. I am sorry that you find yourself in a place where you felt it was okay to attempt to inflict harm in this manner.

 

I would suggest, no matter what other choices you make going forward, that you seek individual counseling. It may help you clarify what is driving both your anger and the choices you have been making in your personal life.

 

Best of luck to you.

[GettingOver]

CanI,

First of all about your question: if there an option for a compromise between you two? I mean your mistress and you. My MM claimed he wanted to stay for the kids till they reach 18 - which is 2 years from now and 3 years from when we spoke. I offered him to have an open marriage, to tell the wife so that we can spend more time together with less stress till the kids grow up. That would be a compromise for me - he would live ta home, but he would show that he is making an effort to be with me in the future. That would mean that even thoug he cannot safisfy my needs in full NOW, he is willing to at least compromise. He declined. I do not know what are your reasons - but he just seemed to beafraid of hurting many people and losing respect of his parents/friends who were very much against him getting a divorce. You can add financial reasons, me being 15 year younger (fear I will leave), etc.

But getting back to you - is there an oportunity for a compromise?

I am also very happy that I read your post - even though you love her and cant move on you still can't leave. Me and my MM seem to be in the same ****. I not married though. We both can't ruly move on. He did MC, I tried to have another relationship. He did not fall back in love with his W, I did not fall inlove with another guy.

May I ask you? I guess you did not have grandkids 12 years ago? Was there a period of time when your kids grew up and grandkids have not been living with you yet, so that you could leave your marriage? Or did you stay married for other reasons? Would your AP be willing to D with a little kid?

I honestly think that when two people equally want to be together they can find a solution in situation. All you need is to want to do this and put an effort.

I am sorry if I asked you personal questions that you don't probably want to answer. I did that because I am trying to understand what is happening in my MM's head....

[veryhappy]

What do you mean by the mow was pressing you to move on and you didn't?

 

 

You can ask for your topic to be moved to the ow/om section. You'd get more constructive advice. Here you're expected to make it about your m and the remorse and work for hurting your family.

[cocorico]

I had an affair with a much younger woman that lasted 12 years.

 

It recently ended.

 

Our marriages are still together.

 

I still miss her. We spoke everyday, multiple times most days.

 

I miss the contact, the connection, I miss her.

 

I am struggling to move on.

 

How do I forget and move on?

 

Can I move on?

 

12 years is longer than many marriages. Even if you were not together full-time during that period, you would have shared intimacies and soul secrets you shared with no one else, and the loss of the many dimensions of that relationship must hurt keenly.

 

I'm assuming it was a hidden R, that none of your friends or colleagues or family were informed or involved and that you're unable to discuss this loss with any of them? Is this accurate? If so, I can see four strategies you might consider:

 

1) confide in someone. A friend, a colleague, someone you trust who would be non-judgmental enough to respond to the issue of your loss rather than getting caught up in the peripheral context of your infidelity (as seems to have happened on your thread). Bearing in mind that that person may feel a little put out that the first time you mention something as important as a 12 year relationship to them is at the point of its loss... so you'd need to choose carefully to ensure that the person is capable of overcoming their own emotional responses sufficiently to be able to provide you with the space and support you need. If you have someone in your life that fits this profile, I'd suggest this as your best bet.

 

2) Else, I'd add my voice to those suggesting a counsellor. A counsellor would be a paid professional fulfilling the role I outlined above, and the same issues would apply in the need for careful selection. Counsellors are not all good, are not all equally professional, and some are unable to maintain professional standards of non-judgmental supportiveness because of their own histories. Some are also employed by organisations which have ideological missions which might conflict with your need for support, eg a counsellor who believes marriage is sacrosanct may do what some here have done and place undue pressure on you to inform your wife, etc. You need to select carefully to find the right counsellor.

 

3) if you can't find one, or if your circumstances make counselling difficult for you, it might be tempting to seek support from(and provide it to) the one person you know who will understand what you are going through, because she's going through it herself - your former lover. I would advise against this, though, tempting as it is, unless you are both prepared to consider re-engaging in the relationship. She will not be able to provide you with the support you need while she is harbouring resentments and hurts of her own, in which you are necessarily implicated.

 

4) Suppress your emotions, and distract yourself. Throw yourself into your work, hobbies, or caring for your grand kids. Keep yourself busy every waking minute, and exhaust yourself so that you fall asleep quickly at night. Saturate your mind with experiences daily, so that you have no time to dwell on the past, and allow the passage of time to dull the vividness of the breakup and the intensity of your emotions. Medicate, if you need to (homoeopathic medication like ignatia is good for breakups and disappointments, if you don't want to go down the happy pill or alcohol route) and listen to music, read, anything that takes you out of your head. Play sport, exercise, meditate. Draw, write or compose to give contained expression to your emotions during scheduled times and stick to these times rigidly, cutting down as time passes. Live forward, not backward.

 

12 years is a long time. It will take a long time to move on, but you will get there, however hard it is.

[Got it]

CanI -what exactly are you looking for from the posters? It seems you have a very narrow mind set on what you are going to do or not do so you tell me, how do you fill the void? How do you think you mourn things?

 

Basically compartmentalize it. If you can't make any decisions than status quo then you push it down, you try and ignore it and you put down new patterns/habits on top of old ones that included your OW. You move on but one day at a time focusing on other things.

 

Is that what you are looking to hear?

[merrmeade]

I can understand if my last couple of posts made the OP think posting here was a mistake. I imagine there would be a lot of reasons it feels unfair since he came in, hurting and asking for help. Sorry if it was too much too fast and felt like a sucker punch. Don't turn away yet, OP, because there's good, incrementally appropriate help here. You have the right to take things at your own pace, so officially backing off here and wishing you and your wife truth, love and happiness.