My Affair Ended and I Miss Her

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I will actually stay on topic with your question unlike some.

 

You will always have a soft spot in your heart for her. 12 years is a hell of a long time. That is a very long relationship. Some marriages don't last as long.

 

You are unique in that because many affairs don't last as long.

 

I suggest, since she seems happy in her new life, sans you, is that you get marriage counseling and personal counseling and figure out what the heck to do now.

 

Your relationship with affair partner is over. But your wife still needs to be figured out.

 

I normally do not suggest telling a spouse about an affair, but in this case, 12 years in, you haven't had a genuine relationship with your wife for over a decade. You will never heal with this hidden away. It will forever be a sore on your relationship.

 

I suggest admitting the relationship and making a decision if you should move on. I have a feeling your wife will choose leaving. But I also think that it would be good for you to leave your wife too, not for this woman, but for someone you can have a genuine life with.

 

My affair was only four months, purely emotional, just virtual and it has been over 4 months since the end and I am still utterly heart broken over it. 12 years seems like it would be harder. Or, maybe it was time for it to end.

[CanI]

I will actually stay on topic with your question unlike some.

 

You will always have a soft spot in your heart for her. 12 years is a hell of a long time. That is a very long relationship. Some marriages don't last as long.

 

You are unique in that because many affairs don't last as long.

 

I suggest, since she seems happy in her new life, sans you, is that you get marriage counseling and personal counseling and figure out what the heck to do now.

 

Your relationship with affair partner is over. But your wife still needs to be figured out.

 

I normally do not suggest telling a spouse about an affair, but in this case, 12 years in, you haven't had a genuine relationship with your wife for over a decade. You will never heal with this hidden away. It will forever be a sore on your relationship.

 

I suggest admitting the relationship and making a decision if you should move on. I have a feeling your wife will choose leaving. But I also think that it would be good for you to leave your wife too, not for this woman, but for someone you can have a genuine life with.

 

My affair was only four months, purely emotional, just virtual and it has been over 4 months since the end and I am still utterly heart broken over it. 12 years seems like it would be harder. Or, maybe it was time for it to end.

Thank you.

 

I am trying to figure out how to best get through thi0 my own mental states. I don't know how "happy" she is at this point and I think if I pressed the matter, I could restore a connection...but I don't think that's best for us and at some point, it won't end well.

 

Granted, this didn't end well but it could certainly have ended a lot worse, i.e., with the other people in our lives getting hurt, etc.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective and experience. As you stated, 12 years (almost 13 in fact) is a very long time and yet, it flew by at the same time.

[waterwoman]

There is no mention of your wife in your posts.

 

Whilst I appreciate that your ex-AP is at the top of your thoughts atm, you simply cant disregard the other person who is meant to share your life. You post that at least it ended better than it might as other people weren't hurt - I would argue that your wife is hurt, she just hasn't realised it yet.

 

Please try and be honest with your wife, tell her that she is an also-ran, a default option, give her the facts and let her choose her own path. Wouldn't that be the fair thing to do?

[Oberfeldwebel]

What is your relationship with your wife? Are you and your wife into counseling? Has the child been tested to confirm paternity? Do you desire to reconcile with your wife?

[CanI]

There is no mention of your wife in your posts.

 

Whilst I appreciate that your ex-AP is at the top of your thoughts atm, you simply cant disregard the other person who is meant to share your life. You post that at least it ended better than it might as other people weren't hurt - I would argue that your wife is hurt, she just hasn't realised it yet.

 

Please try and be honest with your wife, tell her that she is an also-ran, a default option, give her the facts and let her choose her own path. Wouldn't that be the fair thing to do?

My posting wasn't about my wife but rather about my emotional state over my long term mistress.

[Got it]

CanI - I think figuring out your life should be independent of your AP. Why are you staying married? I understand the feelings you have for your AP but you shouldn't be staying married just because the AP isn't an option.

 

I was a MOW, my AP was a MOM. We both left our marriages. I left mine first. I couldn't stay married if I was in love with someone else and I couldn't/wouldn't go back to being committed to my ex husband.

 

Have you sought counseling? I think what you need to work through, can you jump back into your marriage with both feet? If you can't, if you can't give your wife 100% of you committed to her, then I would go down the road of divorce and discuss with her. It is scary and full of landmine. But being true to yourself, and by response true to everyone, will be a very freeing feeling.

 

Nothing you have to decide right now. But seek out professional help to work through this. This is not something you can redefine in a day.

[CanI]

What is your relationship with your wife? Are you and your wife into counseling? Has the child been tested to confirm paternity? Do you desire to reconcile with your wife?

My relationaship with my wife is stable and comfortable. We are not spilt up.

 

We are not in counseling and she does not know about the OW.

 

The child has not been tested for paternity but is of another race (the husband's race) and clearly not my child.

[CanI]

CanI - I think figuring out your life should be independent of your AP. Why are you staying married? I understand the feelings you have for your AP but you shouldn't be staying married just because the AP isn't an option.

 

I was a MOW, my AP was a MOM. We both left our marriages. I left mine first. I couldn't stay married if I was in love with someone else and I couldn't/wouldn't go back to being committed to my ex husband.

 

Have you sought counseling? I think what you need to work through, can you jump back into your marriage with both feet? If you can't, if you can't give your wife 100% of you committed to her, then I would go down the road of divorce and discuss with her. It is scary and full of landmine. But being true to yourself, and by response true to everyone, will be a very freeing feeling.

 

Nothing you have to decide right now. But seek out professional help to work through this. This is not something you can redefine in a day.

I plan on staying with my wife regardless because of my grandchildren that we are raising together. My love for my grandchildren top my love of everyone else.

 

I may need counseling to come to terms with my sadness but have every intention of staying.

[gettingstronger]

Is your wife aware of the situation?

 

I don't understand why you can not raise your grandchildren while not married to your wife- if you truly do not love your wife because you love another, you should not be married-

[CanI]

Is your wife aware of the situation?

 

I don't understand why you can not raise your grandchildren while not married to your wife- if you truly do not love your wife because you love another, you should not be married-

My wife is unaware.

 

My grandchildren live with us and are very attached to their grandmother and me.

[Oberfeldwebel]

For your relationship with your wife to ever become complete, it has to be built on honesty, which does not exist today. Your wife is a second class citizen in this relationship, because she does not have a clue what is going on for real. This also allows you to pine for the OW, since you are hiding the damage that you have done to the relationship. Affairs are like fungus and grow well in the dark, it isn't until it is exposed to light that it can be dealt with and eliminated. I know you think that you are protecting your wife, but I wish I had just been told the truth. It was much more hurtful in the end to be continually lied to then if she had just confessed. The lie just continues the affair. I think it is time you start being honest with your wife and yourself.

[CanI]

For your relationship with your wife to ever become complete, it has to be built on honesty, which does not exist today. Your wife is a second class citizen in this relationship, because she does not have a clue what is going on for real. This also allows you to pine for the OW, since you are hiding the damage that you have done to the relationship. Affairs are like fungus and grow well in the dark, it isn't until it is exposed to light that it can be dealt with and eliminated. I know you think that you are protecting your wife, but I wish I had just been told the truth. It was much more hurtful in the end to be continually lied to then if she had just confessed. The lie just continues the affair. I think it is time you start being honest with your wife and yourself.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[No Limit]

Why aren't you divorced yet?

[CanI]

Why aren't you divorced yet?

I am not divorced because I have chosen not to get divorced.

[gettingstronger]

It seems you consider yourself a martyr in this situation, doing right by your grandchildren as you pine away for another woman. In reality, you are a coward using your precious grandchildren as an excuse not to do right by the wife that helped you build that family you love dearly. Since you are raising your grandchildren, I assume there was an event that lead to this- I assume you and your wife had some very difficult, painful discussions surrounding this event. I assume your wife partnered with you to come to this decision. Since your affair recently ended, I am guessing your wife agreed to this while you were with another woman. When does she get a choice, when will you respect her enough to allow her to make decisions about her own life. In short, when will you man up and be the husband she deserves?

[herself]

Are you considering restarting the A or friendship with AP?

Was it guilt that dissolved the relationship in the end?

My emotional affair (no physical) was 14 years.

Neither of our spouses knew.

We ended before and rekindled only to have ended A again and this time hurts WAY worse.

We haven't spoken in about 3 weeks. Just brutal.

So sorry for you.

Was hoping you could explain why you didn't just keep it going with your mistress?

[CanI]

It seems you consider yourself a martyr in this situation, doing right by your grandchildren as you pine away for another woman. In reality, you are a coward using your precious grandchildren as an excuse not to do right by the wife that helped you build that family you love dearly. Since you are raising your grandchildren, I assume there was an event that lead to this- I assume you and your wife had some very difficult, painful discussions surrounding this event. I assume your wife partnered with you to come to this decision. Since your affair recently ended, I am guessing your wife agreed to this while you were with another woman. When does she get a choice, when will you respect her enough to allow her to make decisions about her own life. In short, when will you man up and be the husband she deserves?

I'm not sure how martyrdom came into the equation.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[CanI]

Are you considering restarting the A or friendship with AP?

Was it guilt that dissolved the relationship in the end?

My emotional affair (no physical) was 14 years.

Neither of our spouses knew.

We ended before and rekindled only to have ended A again and this time hurts WAY worse.

We haven't spoken in about 3 weeks. Just brutal.

So sorry for you.

Was hoping you could explain why you didn't just keep it going with your mistress?

The OW was pressing me to move on and I would not do so.

She ceased contact as a result.

[Got it]

I plan on staying with my wife regardless because of my grandchildren that we are raising together. My love for my grandchildren top my love of everyone else.

 

I may need counseling to come to terms with my sadness but have every intention of staying.

 

CanI - I think you need to work with the therapist on how to move things forward. You have been running dual lives for a very long time. Therapy wouldn't be just how to mourn your AP but how to start living fully in one life. Is your wife aware of any inappropriate behavior, your marital relationship, up to and including infidelity? Do you want to move towards a monogamous relationship? Do you want to keep compartmentalizing?

 

I think these, and other areas, need to be addressed. I am not going to go into how staying for the kids is a bad idea nor doing anyone any favors. What I suggest you looking at is using this as a cross roads on moving fully towards your wife or away but ending straddling the fence.

[Trr]

Hi Canl - how did your relationship with the other woman get started?

[CanI]

Hi Canl - how did your relationship with the other woman get started?

We worked at the same company and spent a lot of time to together as a resul. We formed a deep friendship and eventually the friendship became romantic.

[FusionCutter]

The OW was pressing me to move on and I would not do so.

She ceased contact as a result.

 

12 years and no movement? I really mean this with no disrespect, but what kind of man are you?

[merrmeade]

Mermeade- gently? I think you are misreading CIH. She is a betrayed spouse, reconciled with her spouse.

 

I did not read what she said at all the way you just did. Perhaps it is because I know where she is responding from? Does that change your response? Her advice to the OP is to do something, other than just pining away. Not bad advice. Many people in affairs are not dealing in the reality based community while they are in an affair. An affair that went on as long as the OP's did is pretty horrifying, to think of the level of compartmentalization that would have to occur. Figuring out what and why and what is next is probably good advice.

 

I appreciate your gentle correction, HG, and you're right; I did not realize CIH is a reconciled BS. She and many have objectively considered the OP’s state of mind in their responses. That he seems to be posting here for the first time and in good faith, perhaps, also accounts for some restraint.

 

So the OP has gotten a little help in dealing with the loss of his AP along with reactions to the other ramifications of his actions. When asked about his wife, he answered, "My posting wasn't about my wife but rather about my emotional state over my long term mistress." He does offer that his relationship with his wife "is stable and comfortable," they "are not spilt up" or "in counseling," and she "does not know about the OW."

 

OP makes it clear the topic of betrayal and his wife's right to know about the A are irrelevant to the discussion. To this, Oberfeldwebel points out that he is able to "pine for the OW" because his wife is "unaware" (a "second-class citizen" O. says) and that OP may think he's "protecting" his wife by not telling her and their grandchildren, who are "very attached" to their grandparents.

 

OP has kept his life neat and tidy, said good-bye to the clandestine intimacy and passion of his 12-year romance, and begs LS readers to equip him with strategies for coping with his sacrifice and loss. He did not come here for a moral lecture. He is taking care of his wife just fine by saving her from heartache and his grandchildren from upheaval. Only he has to suffer this way. (Hence, gettingstronger's 'martyr' references, which OP didn't understand.)

 

So why can't anyone help him already? Can't we just for once drop the assumption that the BS should know the truth? Why, since everything is all over and he's ready to live a loveless, but stable and comfortable, life with her? Why should he upset her and their grandchildren?

Edited October 14, 2014 by merrmeade

[HermioneG]

I appreciate your gentle correction, HG, and you're right; I did not realize CIH is a reconciled BS. She and many have objectively considered the OP’s state of mind in their responses. That he seems to be posting here for the first time and in good faith, perhaps, also accounts for some restraint.

 

So the OP has gotten a little help in dealing with the loss of his AP along with reactions to the other ramifications of his actions. When asked about his wife, he answered, "My posting wasn't about my wife but rather about my emotional state over my long term mistress." He does offer that his relationship with his wife "is stable and comfortable," they "are not spilt up" or "in counseling," and she "does not know about the OW."

 

OP makes it clear the topic of betrayal and his wife's right to know about the A are irrelevant to the discussion. To this, Oberfeldwebel points out that he is able to "pine for the OW" because his wife is "unaware" (a "second-class citizen" O. says) and that OP may think he's "protecting" his wife by not telling her and their grandchildren, who are "very attached" to their grandparents.

 

OP has kept his life neat and tidy, said good-bye to the clandestine intimacy and passion of his 12-year romance, and begs LS readers to equip him with strategies for coping with his sacrifice and loss. He did not come here for a moral lecture. He is taking care of his wife just fine by saving her from heartache and his grandchildren from upheaval. Only he has to suffer this way. (Hence, gettingstronger's 'martyr' references, which OP didn't understand.)

 

So why can't anyone help him already? Can't we just for once drop the assumption that the BS should know the truth? Why, since everything is all over and he's ready to live a loveless, but stable and comfortable, life with her? Why should he upset her and their grandchildren?

 

I certainly understand your opinion, and respect your right to it.

 

However, I am, personally, a huge believer in knowing the truth of your own life, which the OP's wife does not have. And I also know that in retrospect, with my spouse's affair, there were things along the way that I took as blame during our relationship ( he was an overbenefitted spouse), that needed to change as we went forward.

 

I am also a believer, as another poster stated, that part of the reason he is pining away for the OW is that it has remained a secret. A secret between the two of them, which keeps some of the romantic and non reality based aspect to the affair. It will be, in my opinion, far harder for him to process and move forward with a soft focus romantic replay of how great the affair was and no consequences.

 

The thing is? He does not have to have a loveless marriage. He can have a marriage with love and deep contentment, one based on honesty. And one without the distraction of a continued contrast affect from the affair partner. But he has to tell the truth to get to that point.

 

Something to think about.

[CanI]

12 years and no movement? I really mean this with no disrespect, but what kind of man are you?

Hate to hear you being disrespectful. Thanks for your feedback.