CanI Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I had an affair with a much younger woman that lasted 12 years. It recently ended. Our marriages are still together. I still miss her. We spoke everyday, multiple times most days. I miss the contact, the connection, I miss her. I am struggling to move on. How do I forget and move on? Can I move on? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I had an affair with a much younger woman that lasted 12 years. It recently ended. Our marriages are still together. I still miss her. We spoke everyday, multiple times most days. I miss the contact, the connection, I miss her. I am struggling to move on. How do I forget and move on? Can I move on? Maybe moving on is actually Leaving/D'ing Your Wife and family so you can live an authentic life either with this married woman your pining for or on your very own to find a person whom you can love and live honestly with?* 9 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Maybe moving on is actually Leaving/D'ing Your Wife and family so you can live an authentic life either with this married woman your pining for or on your very own to find a person whom you can love and live honestly with?* Do you still have contact with the OW? Do you work for the same business? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Do you still have contact with the OW? Do you work for the same business? Nope* She was a tech and was outsourced to my Co. to set up a system. She was fired from her position due to choices she made involving the A and comp. Funds. HOWEVER, the last I heard she was actually doing well. Straightened out her life got a better job and is Happy. She was younger back then and full of herself having never been turned away before. I'd like to think the whole experience helped her grow up and learn that there are better choices she can make in the future. * That's how I have it looking in my head anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) Maybe moving on is actually Leaving/D'ing Your Wife and family so you can live an authentic life either with this married woman your pining for or on your very own to find a person whom you can love and live honestly with?* Good grief. "Authentic"? How on earth do we know from the little he said which "him" was authentic — if either? And even if you're right, we don't know WHY that one became more authentic that his own marriage — that is, when and how he let his marriage go and invested so much of his emotional and physical needs into his affair. We don't know why he didn't, instead, go to other extremes to make his marriage partner meet those needs. But since he did have important needs met by the AP, I'm sure it is hard to make the shift. There would be a lot of adjustment for anyone that's built up a routine and refined how he confides his most personal thoughts and feelings with a certain individual. But how nice of you to be so understanding and ready, boom, to encourage him to drop everything and go with your experience of "authentic." It's easy for each of us to project "authentic" on others based on our subjective interpretations, our intense experiences. I do it, too, but it's not objective and may not be fair to everyone affected in that situation or even good advice until the whole story is explained. Sorry for the harrumph but it's not that easy. Edited October 12, 2014 by merrmeade 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelysweet2 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I had an affair with a much younger woman that lasted 12 years. It recently ended. Our marriages are still together. I still miss her. We spoke everyday, multiple times most days. I miss the contact, the connection, I miss her. I am struggling to move on. How do I forget and move on? Can I move on? A better question is: Are you in love with your mistress? I am stressing in love, not simply love. Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Good grief. "Authentic"? How on earth do we know from the little he said which "him" was authentic — if either? And even if you're right, we don't know WHY that one became more authentic that his own marriage — that is, when and how he let his marriage go and invested so much of his emotional and physical needs into his affair. We don't know why he didn't, instead, go to other extremes to make his marriage partner meet those needs. But since he did have important needs met by the AP, I'm sure it is hard to make the shift. There would be a lot of adjustment for anyone that's built up a routine and refined how he confides his most personal thoughts and feelings with a certain individual. But how nice of you to be so understanding and ready, boom, to encourage him to drop everything. It's easy for all of us to project "authentic" on others based on our subjective interpretations, our intense experiences. Mermeade- gently? I think you are misreading CIH. She is a betrayed spouse, reconciled with her spouse. I did not read what she said at all the way you just did. Perhaps it is because I know where she is responding from? Does that change your response? Her advice to the OP is to do something, other than just pining away. Not bad advice. Many people in affairs are not dealing in the reality based community while they are in an affair. An affair that went on as long as the OP's did is pretty horrifying, to think of the level of compartmentalization that would have to occur. Figuring out what and why and what is next is probably good advice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanI Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 Do you still have contact with the OW? Do you work for the same business? No, I do not. We worked together when our affair started but both are in different jobs with different companies now Link to post Share on other sites
painfullyobvious Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Nope* She was a tech and was outsourced to my Co. to set up a system. She was fired from her position due to choices she made involving the A and comp. Funds. HOWEVER, the last I heard she was actually doing well. Straightened out her life got a better job and is Happy. She was younger back then and full of herself having never been turned away before. I'd like to think the whole experience helped her grow up and learn that there are better choices she can make in the future. * That's how I have it looking in my head anyway. It would be tough to separate your feelings and emotions after a twelve year affair. You have had to marriages basically. It sounds like she is not a very good person in that she has had a long term affair for twelve years and misusing company funds. Is this a person like this who really deserves your feelings and expectations? Repair your marriage if it can be. After twelve years it is tough to lose any relationship albeit an affair. Get yourself into counseling. I wish you the best but when you make a bed in the manner that you did it is going to be tough. Good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Mermeade- gently? I think you are misreading CIH. She is a betrayed spouse, reconciled with her spouse. I did not read what she said at all the way you just did. Perhaps it is because I know where she is responding from? Does that change your response? Her advice to the OP is to do something, other than just pining away. Not bad advice. Many people in affairs are not dealing in the reality based community while they are in an affair. An affair that went on as long as the OP's did is pretty horrifying, to think of the level of compartmentalization that would have to occur. Figuring out what and why and what is next is probably good advice. Thank you HermioneG. That's exactly what I meant.* Merrmeade, trust me on understanding the "it's not that easy" part when it comes to deciding to leave the marriage. It can take a long time to finally take action by way of Divorce whether the person leaving is betrayed or cheater, hopefully after other avenues have been given their "all" (like MC and IC). What grates on me is the Cheater who stays the path of least resistance then doesn't DO anything to try to repair their issues and the damage they did by cheating THEN cries out I miss the person I put all my energy into that's not my spouse who I promised my heart and soul too... boohooooo poor me. ... THEN twists themselves the victim of a loveless and sometimes sexless marriage to the next willing person to cheat with, may e even with the hopes that this new AP will finally be their soft landing to leave the marriage. If he really just misses the AP and is only 'in love' with her but not 'in love' with His actual Wife, by God man do the right thing and either get off your A$$ & fall back in love with your wife or leave her to find someone who will love her*! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 au·then·tic adjective \ə-ˈthen-tik, ȯ-\ : real or genuine : not copied or false : true and accurate : made to be or look just like an original So yeah, if your life is based on lies, deceit, infidelity, etc, that definitely qualifies as living an inauthentic life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
petee Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 How or why did it end. A mutual decision? You need to put details on here, then prepare for some hard home truths, but in amongst what will seem is poisonous vitriol there will be some good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 12 years is a really long time. Even if you have kids, they must be grown by now, huh? What was the reason for the break-up at this point in time? Any chance of you both leaving your marriages and being together? It's hard to get past this kind of thing. I'd say that time is about the only thing that's going to ease the pain. You'll probably never forget her, though. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I had an affair with a much younger woman that lasted 12 years. It recently ended. Our marriages are still together. I still miss her. We spoke everyday, multiple times most days. I miss the contact, the connection, I miss her. I am struggling to move on. How do I forget and move on? Can I move on? Are you able to Pm? I had a 14 year EA and would love to compare thoughts? For whatever reason I can receive but not send pm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I miss the contact, the connection, I miss her. I am struggling to move on. How do I forget and move on? Can I move on? CanI, Are you sure that you are meant to stay where you are and "move on" from where you want to be? I do, I really do understand and appreciate vows and commitments. But...sometimes we have fulfilled those and it's okay to say "contract fulfilled" and leave that in the past. If you cannot see a way clear to getting to where you feel you'd be happier and more fulfilled, then it's about knowing and accepting that you are where you are still needed and "contracted" to be. (Does that make sense?) I'm sorry for your lack of clarity and certainty. It sucks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanI Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 Are you able to Pm? I had a 14 year EA and would love to compare thoughts? For whatever reason I can receive but not send pm. I'm not sure how to do that, I just joined this site. I will try to figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanI Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 How or why did it end. A mutual decision? You need to put details on here, then prepare for some hard home truths, but in amongst what will seem is poisonous vitriol there will be some good advice. It was a mutual decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanI Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 12 years is a really long time. Even if you have kids, they must be grown by now, huh? What was the reason for the break-up at this point in time? Any chance of you both leaving your marriages and being together? It's hard to get past this kind of thing. I'd say that time is about the only thing that's going to ease the pain. You'll probably never forget her, though. My children are grown and hers are still not. She had a child (not mine) with her husband during our affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I'm not sure how to do that, I just joined this site. I will try to figure it out. No...it's 100 posts plus one (or three) months of membership...so keep posting , and just ignore the idiots, as difficult as that is when one is feeling down and troubled (as Carole King used to sing...or did I just age myself??? ) In any case, CanI, there are people who will understand your feelings, confusion and dizziness as you try to figure out where you are and where you want to be; and will do their best to offer genuine support...which is what this here LoveShack is known for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanI Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 It would be tough to separate your feelings and emotions after a twelve year affair. You have had to marriages basically. It sounds like she is not a very good person in that she has had a long term affair for twelve years and misusing company funds. Is this a person like this who really deserves your feelings and expectations? Repair your marriage if it can be. After twelve years it is tough to lose any relationship albeit an affair. Get yourself into counseling. I wish you the best but when you make a bed in the manner that you did it is going to be tough. Good luck!!! There was no misuse of company funds. I think someone was being sarcastic. None of that is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanI Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 A better question is: Are you in love with your mistress? I am stressing in love, not simply love. I am and have been 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I am and have been Do you feel comfortable enough sharing why you two are not just deciding to get your respective divorces and join forces as one team? I got that there is a (young?) child. But...other than that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanI Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 Do you feel comfortable enough sharing why you two are not just deciding to get your respective divorces and join forces as one team? I got that there is a (young?) child. But...other than that? Yes, two young children are invovled. She has a young child and I am raising a grandchild. Both children are under 10. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) Yes, two young children are invovled. She has a young child and I am raising a grandchild. Both children are under 10. And for sure you can't do that together as well as you can do that apart? But. It goes back to what was said earlier...then you "move on" because you know that this is the "right thing" -- based on your values and integrity, and her values and integrity -- for each of you to be doing right now. It's where you are needed/contracted to be and where she is needed/contracted to be; and it is not together as one unit...yet. Delaying instant gratification for a perceived greater cause. You FIND your most meaningful reason for making the decision and choice that you're making, and you remember that, and you get on with the life that you chose and decided on, for yourself and from your own free will. And you do not regret it or pine for what you did NOT, of your own free will, choose and decide. That's how you do it, if you're going to do it. It still sucks. Sorry you're having to make this kind of decision and choice. Edited October 13, 2014 by Ronni_W 2 Link to post Share on other sites
couchcushion Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Just as an aside, I am finding that MOMs (married other men) tend to post in the infidelity forum, whereas MOWs post in the OW/OM forum. Am I missing something? I think we could use some MOM perspectives in the OW forum... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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