Marrying my MM; still dealing with the fallout

[SunshineToday]

Miss Bee,

 

I agree that stating a general age is fine, but someone asked her if she was a teen when the affair started, and it was possible that she could have responded "Yes, I was eighteen" or something similar. I was just pointing out, don't share that kind of info because every single thing that is said on this forum is picked over by vicious women who will do anything to cause trouble. Any tiny bit of info could be put together with other bits and suddenly you've got someone on Facebook trying to call you out.

 

But the fact that she very well may have been only 18 when the affair started bears weight on her situation.

My God as a mother I would be DEVASTATED, if my 18 year old took up with a MM. And partly because as woman we change so much those late teens early 20s. And OP I do wish you luck and clarity. I don't think you posted any info that could identify you. And my advice I have shared, while blunt and truthful has never meant to be negative. Just honest about the kids maybe never coming around and it becoming an issue.

[velvette]

I am not speaking hypothetically, I am speaking from experience and express my opinion. Older kids usually already have a bit of their own experience and have seen at least on TV that family unions break quite often for various reasons and it can happen to EVERYONE including themselves no matter if their parents are together or not. I also think that kids of OP's partner are being extremily selfish and hurt their father, though they should not. Looks like the man stayed married and raised them till 18-20, and this could be the reason he was actually cheating instead of telling everything right away - he wanted to wait till the kids are grown. Doesn't it deserve some respect from adult children?

 

Sorry, your use of the passive voice made it sound hypothetical. In any case, I think you are an exception. Every case I know of involving older children they took divorce much harder whether or not cheating was involved.

 

And no cheating does not deserve respect. No one respects cheating.

[GettingOver]

No, cheating doesn't earn respect from adult children.

 

And yes, teens often take a divorce harder than younger children, and are less likely to be welcoming of a new partner (let alone an affair partner, let alone an affair partner who is their age).

 

I am not saying cheating is a good thing, but I think they should respect him for staying married for THEM till they are grown ups.

I am not sayng they have to like OP, but they should be polite with her to show some respect to their father.

[GettingOver]

Sorry, your use of the passive voice made it sound hypothetical. In any case, I think you are an exception. Every case I know of involving older children they took divorce much harder whether or not cheating was involved.

 

And no cheating does not deserve respect. No one respects cheating.

Sorry, English is not my mother language... Yes, I can see that I am an exception.

Cheating doesn't deserve respect. But things are not just black and white. Adult relatives should respect each other's choices. For example, let's imagine my parents want me to stay with someone I don't like - should I keep myself stuck in an unhappy relationship because it makes them happy?... Should parents stay together because adult kids will be otherwise upset?...

And I personally think this man stayed married till the kids are grown because he wanted to cause less pain. Yes, he also did think about himself and HIS happiness in the end, and did not want to lose his AP. I cannot judge him for that.

[Got it]

Sorry, your use of the passive voice made it sound hypothetical. In any case, I think you are an exception. Every case I know of involving older children they took divorce much harder whether or not cheating was involved.

 

And no cheating does not deserve respect. No one respects cheating.

 

Okay. I was a young adult when my parents divorced. We were very happy about it.

 

So there is another exception.

[velvette]

Sorry, English is not my mother language... Yes, I can see that I am an exception.

Cheating doesn't deserve respect. But things are not just black and white. Adult relatives should respect each other's choices. For example, let's imagine my parents want me to stay with someone I don't like - should I keep myself stuck in an unhappy relationship because it makes them happy?... Should parents stay together because adult kids will be otherwise upset?...

And I personally think this man stayed married till the kids are grown because he wanted to cause less pain. Yes, he also did think about himself and HIS happiness in the end, and did not want to lose his AP. I cannot judge him for that.

 

Well, as I have already said, teenagers and young adults in general are among the most judgemental on the planet and they frequently "know everything" and do see everything as black and white. It really doesn't matter what we think they should feel. The OP has to deal with what they do feel and you really are fighting a losing battle anytime you argue with people about what they feel.

 

You have to meet people where they are. These kids are at a place where they are hurt, angry or disdainful of their fathers new R. That is what she has to deal with.

 

It's not about anyone here judging him/her. Its about his kids judgement. That's what they have to deal with.

[Got it]

I am not saying cheating is a good thing, but I think they should respect him for staying married for THEM till they are grown ups.

I am not sayng they have to like OP, but they should be polite with her to show some respect to their father.

 

I agree. While I don't always like my father's dating choices I am respectful towards them for him. He and I may discuss it but it stays between us.

 

One doesn't need to like a person to still be respectful. And in regards to affairs, my husband expect the kids to be respectful towards me. They can disagree, they can discuss their feelings, they cannot be rude or disrespectful. The same courtesies are extended to them.

 

No one is asking that the kids be "little mary sunshine" but it also doesn't allow rude behavior.

 

For the OP, if they get married then when they come visit it will be both of their homes. Disrespecting her is disrespecting him. What is she supposed to do, stay out of her own house to avoid them?

 

I get it, I do agree some very hard conversations have to happen and apologies extended. But one doesn't need to cater forever to these feelings that no one is looking to actually try and make better and move on.

[velvette]

Okay. I was a young adult when my parents divorced. We were very happy about it.

 

So there is another exception.

 

So what? The literature still overwhelmingly supports that older children have a harder time with D.

 

In any case, what matters is the kids in the OP's scenario and they are not happy about it.

[Got it]

So what? The literature still overwhelmingly supports that older children have a harder time with D.

 

In any case, what matters is the kids in the OP's scenario and they are not happy about it.

 

So what? So what that there are many who are okay with it especially when they are not children but young adults. It was germane to your previous post as it was about the general practices and not specifically to just the OP's situation.

[velvette]

So what? So what that there are many who are okay with it especially when they are not children but young adults. It was germane to your previous post as it was about the general practices and not specifically to just the OP's situation.

 

Ah ok. Noted. But its not relevant or useful to the OP's situation.

[MissBee]

I really do not understand all this drama with "hurting" adult kids - let's say starting from 18-20, even a 16 y.o. should be able to understand. I am coming from a family where parents basically stayed together for me and out of fear of changes. It was not a bad marriage, but a lot of things were missing. When I was a little kid for sure I would have cried and get mad if one of them left for another partner. But starting from 16 I would have totally understood and respected such kind of choise. I would have been happy for either of them if they found happiness with other people.

I personally wouldn't find myself in a position to judge my parents' decisions regarding their private life. I am always amazed how "kids" over 20 are "hurt" and stop talking to their parents because parents chose to have another partner. You have to be happy and thankful that they raised you and let them livetheir own life.

 

I think this simplifies the issue and makes it seem like it has nothing at all to do with the family and is just parents' private choices which are lived in a vacuum. Which isn't the truth. As a parent everything you do can affect your children and you no longer are as free to just live for yourself only.

 

A parent choosing to divorce and then later finding another partner is one thing but the dissolution of a marriage which comes from an affair is another. It may be a dream in some ideal world that everyone will just congratulate the parent on their new found happiness...but there are ideals and then there is reality. Often times affairs muddle things up and cause a lot of hurt for at least the other parent and if an OW is so protective of their MM why wouldn't they expect that the children should be protective of the hurt parent and empathize so as to be upset with the other one?

 

People are hardly rational and even-keeled in emotionally charged situations such as As and often family and friends take sides, so why would children be any different, old or young? I am also from a family where to this day, my dad is a serial cheater, and that has affected me A LOT! I never actually realized it until years later. I always wished my folks would divorce, but I also can understand the flip side of it which is I didn't have to go through certain things that my friends with divorced parents went through. So that was one silver lining I suppose.

 

In any event...it doesn't matter how kids SHOULD feel. It only matters how they in fact feel. While you may feel one way, other people may feel another based on lots of specifics about their history and relationship with their parents. I don't think it's as simple as just being happy for the person's happiness though. I also think that the fact that Jasey is closer to the kids' age is probably also playing into them feeling it is weird or not being as accepting of her. In any event, they feel how they feel and it's just up to Jasey to decide if they never come around she'll be fine with it or not.

Edited October 13, 2014 by MissBee

[velvette]

I see. I have personally watched at least one poster who was new leave this forum after feeling they had been attacked to the point of getting no help here. And what happened to me DID happen. Whether it scares people or not, they should be aware that there are those ON THIS FORUM who would track them down and try to out them in real life. I am sorry if this is offensive to your senses but it is true. Whether it is be person on this forum or twenty, SOMEONE on this forum tracks people down. I am not the only one. My post was simple: don't give out exact personal information. There is no harm in saying so and you have made it into a big deal. I won't comment on it again. Just please be careful. We know the poster is much younger than her partner. That is enough info.

 

Most people here are not attacking Jasey.

 

The fact is you cant be identified online unless you put out a lot of specific info that can be strung together to identify you. Jasey seems smart enough not to do that.

 

Clearly you made a mistake in the info you put out online to allow anyone to identify you in real life. Maybe you should start your own thread to discuss that.

[MissBee]

Jasey, I'm curious about if the children (or any of MM's family) are coming to the wedding? I imagine this might also be an area of contention.

Edited October 13, 2014 by MissBee

[Redheaded Mistress]

The kids in my situation were much younger and now everybody is all integrated. I'm sure we'll have to answer questions when they're older, which of course is something I dread, but despite the rocky relationship with have with Mom, I'm sure we'll all tackle it all with a united front. Hopefully it won't be too bad as the kids view me as another mother, call me mom, and I'm meshed into their life in all facets and will have been for most of their lives.

 

Adult kids, that's so tricky. Honestly if it were me, I'd probably (with my husband's knowledge/blessing), sit down and tell them that I know it's hard how their parents ended and we started and I don't blame them for being upset at me or suspicious or supremely uncomfortable with the age difference (and the age similarity between them). I'd say I'm not trying to be a mother, or even a parent or a parental figure and I don't want or expect them to feel like they have to. Then I'd say that they have every right to want to have nothing to do with me and I respect that, but for the sake of their relationship with their father, I hope they stay connected to him and everybody makes amends to have a functional relationship. Then I'd leave the door open for the same.

 

As far as respect goes, I'd leave it to your husband to reinforce that they don't have to like you, but that they need to at least be civil. Maybe over time that can evolve into cordial, or maybe not, but if people can't be polite, at least they can be civil.

 

Then I'd really, really push him to try and make amends with the kids... Which can be hard. My husband fell out with his family after they found out about us and he was ready to wash his hands of all of them because they were so awful about him, me, and us. But I pushed for him to try to rebuild a relationship and I held to the idea that the longer we were together they would realize this wasn't a "fling." His one rule was that they didn't have to like me, but they couldn't bash me or be disrespectful about me in his presence. It took a few years, but now I've been accepted into his family by everybody but a sibling, and in that case that sibling crossed a line that can't be fixed and we've chosen to cut contact as a result. I'd have never thought that his family would include me in anything, certainly not include me and exclude his ex-wife, but with time and no pushing, but making clear that being mindful of their comfort didn't come with a pass to bash me or us, everything righted itself.

[velvette]

The kids in my situation were much younger and now everybody is all integrated. I'm sure we'll have to answer questions when they're older, which of course is something I dread, but despite the rocky relationship with have with Mom, I'm sure we'll all tackle it all with a united front. Hopefully it won't be too bad as the kids view me as another mother, call me mom, and I'm meshed into their life in all facets and will have been for most of their lives.

 

Adult kids, that's so tricky. Honestly if it were me, I'd probably (with my husband's knowledge/blessing), sit down and tell them that I know it's hard how their parents ended and we started and I don't blame them for being upset at me or suspicious or supremely uncomfortable with the age difference (and the age similarity between them). I'd say I'm not trying to be a mother, or even a parent or a parental figure and I don't want or expect them to feel like they have to. Then I'd say that they have every right to want to have nothing to do with me and I respect that, but for the sake of their relationship with their father, I hope they stay connected to him and everybody makes amends to have a functional relationship. Then I'd leave the door open for the same.

 

As far as respect goes, I'd leave it to your husband to reinforce that they don't have to like you, but that they need to at least be civil. Maybe over time that can evolve into cordial, or maybe not, but if people can't be polite, at least they can be civil.

 

Then I'd really, really push him to try and make amends with the kids... Which can be hard. My husband fell out with his family after they found out about us and he was ready to wash his hands of all of them because they were so awful about him, me, and us. But I pushed for him to try to rebuild a relationship and I held to the idea that the longer we were together they would realize this wasn't a "fling." His one rule was that they didn't have to like me, but they couldn't bash me or be disrespectful about me in his presence. It took a few years, but now I've been accepted into his family by everybody but a sibling, and in that case that sibling crossed a line that can't be fixed and we've chosen to cut contact as a result. I'd have never thought that his family would include me in anything, certainly not include me and exclude his ex-wife, but with time and no pushing, but making clear that being mindful of their comfort didn't come with a pass to bash me or us, everything righted itself.

 

This is the correct approach imo. Good manners are the grease of civilized society.

 

Its also a form of fake it till you make it. Which frequently works in all kinds of situations.

 

Of course this require the maturity to take the first step and to lead by example.

[MissBee]

This is the correct approach imo. Good manners are the grease of civilized society.

 

Its also a form of fake it till you make it. Which frequently works in all kinds of situations.

 

Of course this require the maturity to take the first step and to lead by example.

 

True.

 

I definitely think in this case Jasey, you're gonna have to be the one to lead by example and put the most effort in at first at least. That would be my approach anyway over demanding or expecting them to be welcoming.

[Redheaded Mistress]

This is the correct approach imo. Good manners are the grease of civilized society.

 

Its also a form of fake it till you make it. Which frequently works in all kinds of situations.

 

Of course this require the maturity to take the first step and to lead by example.

 

Sometimes when the only example people see us set is one they believe is the lowest of low roads, the only way to fix it is to quietly take the highest of the high roads.

 

I'm sure they think that she operated with zero concern for them or their family, so the first thing she has to do before she can be accepted at all, even in a civil relationship, is make clear that a driving goal she has is the welfare of the kids and their relationship with their father, even if that means giving them the space to have no real relationship with her.

[Sub]

I think it's hard to equate this situation to most others, given the two key componemts that are working against the OP. You can have kids uncomfortable with the age or uncomfortable with a new SO, just on their own. And most people deal with it. But this isn't just Dad's new gf. Nor is it Dad's new gf who's the same age as the kids. It's Dad's new gf who's the same age as the kids and was his AP while he was married to their Mom. A lot to process. I think it goes beyond simply respecting Dad's choices.

[Robert]

let's keep the posts on topic, posts about the thread starters age are not on topic.

 

Thanks

[GettingOver]

The difference between adult kids and little kids is that adults should be able to control their feelings and emotions, not just crying how they don't like something or someone... Maybe they do suffer more as literature says, but life of an adult person is not always a holiday in many respects. I hope these kids will learn to show respect and be just polite to OP. I guess she doesn't née more than that.

[Popsicle]

At least he had balls and left...

 

Time, maybe a lot of time, will make things better.

[curiousGeorge2]

Since the children are adults now, it should be an issue between your MM and his children. It's not your problem. In any case, the adult children might never forgive you.

[Baby123]

It truly is sad that after all this time the kids don't accept you or treat you well. And it is also shocking that posters on here believe that the op deserves poor treatment for the rest of her life based on her decision to have an affair and that the kids are being perfectly reasonable. The marriage ended because the MM loved his AP more then the BW- simple- How can ALL the responsibility fall on the AP- it's just ridiculous. He chose to have an A and he chose to leave- she didn't put a gun to his head and break this oh so wonderful family up. She made a decision, maybe a bad one but no1 knows her situation, or how much the MM persued her... Everybody deserves forgiveness.

 

I am in a legitimate A with my MM who is now divorcerd and he has kids around my age. We get on fine- they know there dad deserves a life with a woman he loves just like they have there lives and there own girlfriends. The kids seem very negative in this situation which is truly sad that they can spend all of this energy on grudges. OP just be the bigger person, he loves you and he's with you for a reason- age gap or no age gap.

[Sassy Girl]

Again, how have they treated her poorly?

 

You cannot force them to like her or talk to her. He can only enforce they they not be disrespectful, and I have not read any examples of that here.

 

Sorry, but forgiveness is earned, not deserved. Same goes for respect and loyalty. So far, OP has not done anything to earn that. Instead she has avoided them for 4 years.

 

OP, have you even tried to apologise for the role you played in the destruction of their family? Or have you just sat back waiting for it to resolve itself over time?

 

What have YOU done to mend the rift? His children didn't cause this. It's not their job to fix it.

[Got it]

Jasey - you are getting a lot of opinion and haven't seen you here in awhile. I hope you are doing well.

 

I am a fOW who has married her MM who has dealt with stepkids and the continued development of our relationship.

 

If you want any first hand experience, please feel free to PM. There are a few others who can weigh in as well. I get the struggles and choose certain lines to walk.

 

Ultimately I would ask myself, "is this a hill I want to die on?" and would go from there. I will say, I have never doubted or questioned my husband's support of me and our relationship. We are a team and address things as a team, weighing in together.

 

But feel free to PM if you want to talk. Wishing you lots of luck. And remember it's a marathon, not a sprint.