Eternal Sunshine Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Hello again, For anyone who might be following this thread, I have decided to lay down the law with my friend and we're no longer going to be jerk-off buds, just friends. In case anyone is wondering, I have only masturbated with him once since I started dating my girlfriend, and that was before she was officially my girlfriend (although we had already had sex). She's already been so accepting of my bisexuality that it's not fair to ask her to accept this as well. Any release I might need I'll have to get from porn or my imagination. Thanks for your input, everyone! That sounds nice but I doubt that you will be able to keep it like that long term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) So as long as you're aware there's a high chance of her leaving when she finds out and that doesn't bother you any fine just as long as you're not chocked later. People dont stay with dishonest people and get hurt when they find out they weren't worth the truth. Everyone else has mentioned everything I would of added. PS being gay doesn't give you a free pass stop makeing up silly comments as if to make this type of sexual activity valid in a male friendship, cheating is cheating. Edited October 12, 2014 by Omei 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) That being said, I don't think it's OK to hide and suppress my sexuality for someone else, I'd rather be totally honest and from there would could talk about it. But we know this is a lie, do we not? You said yourself you have been together for 2 months and just recently told her you were bisexual. Here is my thing: if a person is bisexual that is fine, but I would feel I am owed that information prior to the relationship, not 2 months after. If someone I dated felt that strongly about it this soon, I wouldn't want to date them anyway because she would most likely have insecurity and jealousy issues. I don't deal with drama very well. You don't deal with drama well, but you apparently create it quite well. Just let us break down what you just said: you would not want to date someone who would be bothered by the fact you have cheated on them? Sorry, I do not care if someone cheats on me 2 days after we begin dating, I'm still going to be pissed. If you feel being upset over cheating merely shows jealousy and insecurity I do not feel you are ready to be in a relationship. See, you get no more a free pass for fooling around with a man while you have a gf then a woman does for fooling around with another woman while she has a bf. It's cheating unless your partner says it is okay before hand. A relationship does not have to be serious for there to be respect. I'm trying to get a general array of thoughts and feeling on the subject to prepare myself for when I tell her, so please keep commenting! I think you should prepare to be dumped. Most people do not take kindly to being cheated on, and since you are not married or anything she has no real reason to want to give you another chance to betray her. You also realize that stopping being jerk off buds with this guy is not enough. You really can't be friends with him anymore. That is assuming she doesn't break up with you once she finds out, which to be honest she probably will. Edited October 12, 2014 by Spectre 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 She doesn't know at this point, we've been going out for two months and I only told her last week that I'm bisexual. Knowing myself though, I wouldn't be happy with only being with a girl or only being with a guy, which would ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship. It's happened before and I would like to avoid it happening again. There's nothing romantic with my friend, it's just bros getting off and then we'll watch a movie or something. If the man I'm dating is seeing another guy, or another girl, I'd like to know. Unless she's okay with being in an open relationship, jerking off and cuddling, with another man or another woman, would be a deal breaker with me. It's fine to be bisexual, but I don't find it fine to be "cheated" on, provided that you two are exclusive, of course. It's something you should bring up right away, the sharing with someone else, no matter what gender. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I'm a straight man with a blonde wife who I've told about my straightness, she is very accepting about it, to the point that she told me it's kind of hot. She's great and we're both very happy in the relationship, and the sex is great as well. I have a friend who is a brunette woman, and we're also jerk-off buds. She knows I'm happy in my marriage and we've never kissed or had oral or anal sex, but we do enjoy masturbating and cuddling. This works for me as it satisfies my need to be with a brunette woman without actually being with one, and she's a good friend that I trust. Is this weird? Thanks for your input on what you think or how you feel about this! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I'm a straight man with a blonde wife who I've told about my straightness, she is very accepting about it, to the point that she told me it's kind of hot. She's great and we're both very happy in the relationship, and the sex is great as well. I have a friend who is a brunette woman, and we're also jerk-off buds. She knows I'm happy in my marriage and we've never kissed or had oral or anal sex, but we do enjoy masturbating and cuddling. This works for me as it satisfies my need to be with a brunette woman without actually being with one, and she's a good friend that I trust. Is this weird? Thanks for your input on what you think or how you feel about this! My views? Well for a start you are displaying clear discriminatory behaviours towards red-heads and if I was your wife, I would be deeply distressed by that. In addition, I would want you to fully indulge your needs as mine are totally irrelevant. Would you also want to consider my sister as one of your masturbatory colleagues? I am sure she would be happy to oblige. Or my cat? Would she do? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Or my cat? Would she do? Well, now that you mention it... Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Well, now that you mention it... Here pussy, pussy....... Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I'm a straight man with a blonde wife who I've told about my straightness, she is very accepting about it, to the point that she told me it's kind of hot. She's great and we're both very happy in the relationship, and the sex is great as well. I have a friend who is a brunette woman, and we're also jerk-off buds. She knows I'm happy in my marriage and we've never kissed or had oral or anal sex, but we do enjoy masturbating and cuddling. This works for me as it satisfies my need to be with a brunette woman without actually being with one, and she's a good friend that I trust. Is this weird? Thanks for your input on what you think or how you feel about this! This straight guy version of what the OP said, really points out the absurdity of the OP's statement. I find it amazing that gays and bisexuals ask that their relationships be treated the same as heterosexual relationships, and yet at the same time some of them expect to get a pass on cheating because they are gay or bisexual. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Another viewpoint to me previous comment - I believe my wife would be more upset about me having an affair with a man than with a woman. I get this from various conversations over the years. I don't fully understand why but suspect it's because she'd find it easier to deal with if it was a man; she'd know what to do and how to fight off the other woman. If it was with a man I think she wouldn't know what to do, she would worry I had become gay and that there would be no saving the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 I have to say, thank you very much Johan and Anne1707 for reverting to taunting. I appreciate the professionalism of it. Thank you everyone else for your insight and honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 What I don't understand is how having non-standard sexual orientation somehow means that messing around with others is not the standard infidelity. As a straight guy in a relationship with a woman, I have to suppress my "needs" to sleep with others, man, woman, child, and animals of all sizes. But if I weren't straight I would actually think it might be ok to go ahead and satisfy my "need". How are the standards different? "Sure, I slept with someone. But it wasn't another woman, so technically it's not cheating! Now what's for dinner?" I wouldn't generalize and say this is how all bisexuals think, but we've sure seen a lot of posts by bisexual men and women here asking similar questions. It makes me wonder what the "lifestyle" does to one's perspective on relationships, loyalty and maybe the ability to empathize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 I haven't searched for similar threads, maybe I should have. Either way, my situation wasn't what you are hinting at. I know that sleeping with another man constitutes cheating. Orientation has nothing to do with that. I was curious because we masturbated in each other's company and I wanted to know where different people draw the line. Now that I have a girlfriend and I searched for some advice, I no longer masturbate with my friend. I don't know what anyone can ask more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 (edited) Now that I have a girlfriend and I searched for some advice, I no longer masturbate with my friend. I don't know what anyone can ask more than that. People in healthy exclusive relationships have healthy boundaries. One of the most common such boundary is that you both agree to no longer maintain friendships with someone that you have had sex with. Your masturbate buddy is someone that you have had sex with. You asked what more could be asked of you. The answer is that you either lose the friend, or tell your girlfriend about your history with this buddy to see how comfortable she is with you maintaining such a friendship. She may ask you to lose the friend, or to keep him but to no longer spend time alone with him. Edited October 16, 2014 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Thanks for the advice, Try. I have had this discussion with her before as we have talked about if we're still in contact with anyone we've been in a relationship or have had sex with. My last relationship ended badly and I'm no longer in contact with her (yes this is only my second relationship), but I am still in contact with three male friends that I have had casual sex with (including the one I have only masturbated with). I told her this and she was OK with it, and has even met one of them. She is still friends with one of her exes although they do not see each other regularly, the reason of the break-up being that they simply drifted apart and didn't really want the same thing. I'm OK with this as well, so fortunately for us we're both laid-back and do not have jealousy issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 (edited) Adam, There's a lot of advice in this thread, but I'm going to guess that the TYPE of answer that you are looking for still eludes you? Also, can I safely assume that you are seeking justification whereas your sexual needs cannot be met by a woman alone? (Obviously, why else would you've posted here in the first place!) Anyway, there is no simple answer to your question. And, here on LoveShack you will obtain answers of varying degree, but I don't think you'll find the closure that you're seeking. Again, your question is difficult to answer. The reason for this is because you are putting too much detail into your question. If you eliminate gender from the equation, you will see that you ARE actually asking for an open relationship as stated previously, which is simply having more than one partner for any degree of sexual satisfaction, regardless of the act. These acts include, but are not just limited to holding hands, cuddling, kissing, oral, or sex. With that said, unless your girlfriend agrees to an open relationship, then the answer to your question is simply: No. and your sexuality has nothing to do with it. Edited October 16, 2014 by Javelin Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 I have to say, thank you very much Johan and Anne1707 for reverting to taunting. I appreciate the professionalism of it. Thank you everyone else for your insight and honesty. I gave you plenty of advice earlier on in this thread yet it was not what you wanted to hear as it went against your desire to have a girlfriend AND a FWB, i.e. To cheat on your girlfriend. You tried to make out that people did not condone your actions just because of you being bi but that was utter rubbish. Cheating is cheating regardless of gender/sexuality. You also tried to make out that it was your girlfriend's problem if she felt insecure about your cheating. These views of yours were counter to the views of every poster here yet you still tried to justify your actions. Johan and I were pointing out in a teasing way about how silly your justifications were. You say you will just focus on your girlfriend but I am not sure how that will work seeing as your earlier posts show that you see your needs as far more important than her's. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 Anne, I don't really understand the point of your last comment. I have already said that I understood that what I was asking was wrong, and that I wouldn't do it. My justifications were flawed and I was looking for a loophole to do something that I knew wasn't right. Now that I have admitted that and have actually acted on it, a little support or positive words would be nice. This is probably the closest to a breakthrough you can hope to achieve. PS If I didn't care about my girlfriend I wouldn't have bothered to post on these forums in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Anne, I don't really understand the point of your last comment. I have already said that I understood that what I was asking was wrong, and that I wouldn't do it. My justifications were flawed and I was looking for a loophole to do something that I knew wasn't right. Now that I have admitted that and have actually acted on it, a little support or positive words would be nice. This is probably the closest to a breakthrough you can hope to achieve. PS If I didn't care about my girlfriend I wouldn't have bothered to post on these forums in the first place. I think it's good you made the right choice. I think Anne's point is why you even had to ask. My first post might have seemed sarcastic, but if it sounded ludicrous it was no more ludicrous than your original post. That was the point. These are relationship basics. Anne might have the impression that you have a tendency to look for loopholes when you start having urges to things that aren't right. Where she got that impression, it's hard to say. Maybe the question is whether you can be trusted in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I did not say you did not care about her but based on your initial posts you were definitely placing your needs above hers. That happens when you cheat and lie, simple as that. You wanted to continue seeing your friend and even said that you could not be with a girlfriend who felt insecure about that (and implying how unreasonable it would be to be insecure). That was again putting your needs first. I am just not convinced that you have totally accepted that what you were doing was wrong in the eyes of the vast majority of people and that your attitude is the unusual one, not everybody else's. You seemed to be arguing your position all the time until you suddenly said ok I'll stop then. That was too quick and easy from your previous position. I still do not see genuine understanding on your part. This is why I have doubts about who you will prioritise in this relationship. Can you see that you were putting your needs first? Can you see that you were showing a lack of understanding of how people feel about cheating? Can you even see that you were cheating? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 it's just bros getting off and then we'll watch a movie or something. Bros don't jerk each other off, bro 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) This thread is now only making me feel down. I will stop posting here. Edited October 17, 2014 by adam12345 I'm stupid for feeding into this thread and will stop Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) This thread is now only making me feel down. I will stop posting here. This thread isn't making you feel down. What brings the depression is the hard dose of reality, essentially showing you the error of your ways. Edited October 17, 2014 by Javelin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rawrrxlaurr Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 If you call her your girlfriend, I'm assuming you've had the exclusivity discussion.. and you both agreed to only see one another. In most cases, for most people, having that conversation also implies that you will only be sexual with one another.. no outside parties. This is something that she deserves to know about, not in the future, but right now. And she deserves to decide whether or not to continue a relationship with you based on that. Come on now! It has nothing to do with being bisexual or not. If a man or woman was completely straight yet still felt the urge to derive sexual gratification outside of a relationship through a "jerk off buddy", I am pretty sure that is a conversation that needs to be had before you ask someone to commit to a relationship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 This thread is now only making me feel down. I will stop posting here. It's like a chicken farm here sometimes. If you act like you care or you're hurt or offended by something, you show blood then all the other chickens will peck you to death. Especially if you're a guy. Glad you at least got the opinions you were looking for and resolved your issue. =/ Link to post Share on other sites
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