My husband has an attractive female friend?

[samjess]

Jealousy can ruin a relationship. The fact that he notices that she is pretty and even told you that she was prettier than you bothers me. The fact that he greets her with a hug and kiss on the cheek bothers me. Clearly he is attracted to her. You have every right to feel jealousy but not because she is prettier but because of how he is treating her. It is a professional relationship and should be treated as such. I feel for you. You have to feel secure in your marriage now, especially in the early years because we all get older and wrinklier and looks fade. Focus on your great attributes and show your confidence off. He is obviously flattered by the attention of this young girl, but that too will fade. Your inner beauty only grows stronger and men will find that much more attractive and long lasting.

[angie2443]

*Not sure if real*

 

What part are you not sure of? Just curious.

[Arieswoman]

I agree with Angie2443,

who says ;

 

This is the part I'd feel unconfortable with. I've seen so many affairs on LS and RL that started with an older man trying to help a younger woman in a vulnerable situation.

 

because that is how my ex-H's affair started.

 

And coupled with your husband having poor boundaries (as mine did) looks a bit dodgy.

This is odd;-

He even sat next to her on the bus the whole way going there and took pictures with her and posted them on Instagram.

 

However, we need to deal with what is happening now, not what might/might not happen in the future.

 

I can understand that you became very upset with him for behaving the way he did. Now he has had the full blast of your Latino anger I'm sure he's very well aware that he screwed up. If he has any sense he won't do it again.

 

To suggest that he doesn't hire females that are more attractive than you is silly, and it's also unreasonable. Are you suggesting he reject a perfectly good employee on those grounds? I am sure he would be breaking some discrimination law if he did.

 

Remember, you can't control your husband's behaviour, only your own. If you feel threatened by these women maybe you should look to your own insecurities?

Having said that, if you see any more examples of inappropriate behaviour by your husband you should definitely tell him you aren't happy with it.

 

Dime con quien andas, y te dire quien eres.

 

Good luck.

Edited October 11, 2014 by Arieswoman

[2sunny]

If you feel threatened by a good percentage of the population based on attractiveness - that's a problem you need to address.

 

He can address his boundary.

 

But I have a feeling you're just always going to look for any reason to be mad at him.

 

He actually seems like a pretty nice husband. But you're pushing him away.

 

He may divorce you if you don't knock it off. Jealousy is exhausting and makes anyone attractive very unattractive. It's an ugly quality.

 

You can work on that.

[MuscleCarFan]

I'm not answering any more questions about if I think beauty is the most important thing because we're getting off topic.

 

Can we just talk about how much of a jerk my husband is for treating me with way?

 

Your husband isn't being a jerk. YOU are being a spoiled insecure brat. Grow up and accept that there will be younger prettier girls.

 

He was honest and that is commendable. He shouldn't lie so you can hear what you want to hear. That is ridiculous.

 

I highly doubt he would cheat on you with a subordinate, that would hurt him career wise.

[CrystalCastles]

light haired, petite, and beautiful Russian girl who is about 20 years younger than me

 

Its not unusual for people of Russian culture to greet each other that way. I'm Russian, that's how my relatives greet me.

 

She's 19. She's practically a kid. You are threatened by a kid? Sorry but you're being unreasonable.

 

Your husband bought you flowers. That's a very sweet gesture. You sound like a tantrum-throwing child. Who cares who is prettier? This isn't some kind of competition. There are many women out there- chances are, someone else will be prettier than you. You're not the prettiest woman there is, k?

 

You want your husband to fire this girl? Because of your insecurities? I don't know how that could be a grounds for firing someone. You want this girl to lose her career. Wow.

[Dontfindme]

Your husband isn't being a jerk. YOU are being a spoiled insecure brat. Grow up and accept that there will be younger prettier girls.

 

He was honest and that is commendable. He shouldn't lie so you can hear what you want to hear. That is ridiculous.

 

I highly doubt he would cheat on you with a subordinate, that would hurt him career wise.

 

Agreed with mostly everything here.

 

I'd just like to add here, if I may - the reason he isn't cheating on OP shouldn't be because the pretty employee is a subordinate, but rather because her husband genuinely loves her - which from many posts ago, it seems like he does.

[Eggplant]

Well to be honest, at first he DID say that she was just an employee, but that still bothered me. After she was working in his office for a long time, that's when he referred to her as a friend. He is close to other of his employees as well, and he is friends with a lot of them.

 

But even if they weren't friends, I don't want him to even be AROUND women who are prettier than me because that isn't fair to our marriage. Even though she's competent and even though her and my husband weren't friends, he should have fired her because he shouldn't hire people who are more attractive than his wife.

 

 

This woman is allowed to have a da*n career without being attacked by the wife of her boss. She has every right to be there and be professional and even develop networks and good working relationships with her colleagues. If she is not over-stepping personal boundaries, then he doesn't even have any right to fire her. That would be outrageous. You can't discriminate against people because your jealous wife can't stand it when other girls are pretty. That would be sex discrimination.

[darkmoon]

i am on the side of the wife, this is because she has every right to expect loyalty, to expect the husband to put her first

 

i hope the husband lives up to his vows, to love and honour, instead of oo-ing and aa-ing over some interloper, i suspect she enjoys drama, or she would have left, an act of kindness and sensitivity, instead of creating unpleasantness, poor lil me yada yada

 

any woman knows how to dress as a lady or to name a boyf as both signify unavalilability, she can not be that dim, no, certainly not if she is a great professional, she should just look for a new job, save her mascara and cutie-act til then

 

the girl ought to be ashamed of herself for pushing this drama along

Edited October 11, 2014 by darkmoon

[Alexandra_24]

I'm getting so many mixed responses and people are telling me completely different things, so I'm a bit confused. Some people are getting so off topic to. The question is: Should I force my husband to fire this woman and cut all ties with her? And isn't his behavior already a form of infidelity? The fact that he's kissing and hugging her shows he's cheating, he shouldn't even touch other women!

[anne1707]

Taking this further, what do you think your husband should do if he has a beautiful female patient? Should he refuse to treat her?

[darkmoon]

patients come and go, this girl is not a patient, she is an insensitive lil bitch who ought to bow out and/or get a get a boyf and act her age, gosh, it is not hard to

[anne1707]

patients come and go, this girl is not a patient, she is an insensitive lil bitch who ought to bow out and/or get a get a boyf and act her age, gosh, it is not hard to

 

 

Can you please tell me what this girl has done that is so wrong? The OP has said that her husband is friends with other colleagues as well, not just the girl. The greeting of kiss and hug could well be a cultural thing so again nothing wrong there. I know that I have kissed a friend goodnight with it being nothing other than friendship. Where do you get this idea that the girl is after creating drama or is being insensitive because I and others on this thread just don't see that.

 

 

My point about patients is that the OP thinks her husband should never touch other women. That is going to make being a doctor impossible.

[Arieswoman]

Alexandra_24,

 

The question is: Should I force my husband to fire this woman and cut all ties with her? And isn't his behavior already a form of infidelity? The fact that he's kissing and hugging her shows he's cheating, he shouldn't even touch other women!

 

No, you should not force him to do anything (and I doubt if you could force him anyway.)

 

His behaviour is innapropriate but I wouldn't say it is infidelity just yet.

 

In post 21# you said,

My husband is a psychologist so that's why he is giving advice to this girl on family problems,

so is she an employee or a patient?

If she is an employee he should not be giving professional advice outside of a professional relationship.

If she is a patient then he shouldn't be hugging/kissing her and taking photos of her.

Something seems wrong to me about all this.

 

Then you said,

The fact that he's kissing and hugging her shows he's cheating,

 

Not necessarily. That's why I suggested you keep an eye on what he's doing.

 

The main issue here is his lack of boundaries, and that is what you should be discussing with him IMO, not how pretty this other female is.

Edited October 11, 2014 by Arieswoman

[darkmoon]

Can you please tell me what this girl has done that is so wrong? The OP has said that her husband is friends with other colleagues as well, not just the girl. The greeting of kiss and hug could well be a cultural thing so again nothing wrong there. I know that I have kissed a friend goodnight with it being nothing other than friendship. Where do you get this idea that the girl is after creating drama or is being insensitive because I and others on this thread just don't see that.

 

 

My point about patients is that the OP thinks her husband should never touch other women. That is going to make being a doctor impossible.

 

she has done everything wrong, see my previous four paragraph comment, and note that she is not a patient

[GemmaUK]

Good grief!

 

Your husband is not being a jerk at all!

 

You can't force him to fire her because she is prettier than you.

He also kissed (on the cheek) and hugged her (as she did you) at a social event which is totally normal with colleagues who are friends. They won't kiss and hug at work.

 

Your hubby has been considerate and reassuring.

 

If personality is of importance to him then yours will drive him away.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I really don't think my husband will cheat, but I just can't stand the fact that an attractive woman is around him and I hate that he thinks she's pretty. When you're married, you shouldn't even find other people attractive, it should only be your partner.

 

Don't you think he should have lied and said I was prettier? My friends tell me that I should appreciate his honesty and they told me that they guarantee that if he lied and said no to my question, I would have got angry and accused him of lying.

 

He shouldn't be nice to other women and he shouldn't be giving them advice on family problems. If they're not attractive, it's ok. But it they are, then he shouldn't even be paying any attention to them or be around them.

 

Yes, beauty is the most important thing. My husband said that even though there are girls prettier than me, he chose me for my personality. But the beauty should be the factor in why he loves me, I don't want to have a nice "personality" I want to be prettier...

 

Your post is making me laugh unfortunately Alexandra, because these are the exact types of situations that prove how irrational some women (and I know a lot of women can relate, they don't have to admit it or spell it out for me, wasn't born yesterday) can be in their relationships and their emotions dictate so much of the rules and bias depending on how she feels.

 

You don't even think your husband would cheat, and yet you still feel very vulnerable with him being around this woman, that's a good thing to have in a relationship so you should put that trust to the test because without trust you don't have a relationship.

 

I'm glad you at least have some sensible friends giving you the opposite feedback than what you want to hear, because if one of them were to agree with you it's likely you'd feel empowered and be even more demanding on your husband because of what one person in real life thought and agreed with.

 

You shouldn't have asked him if she was prettier...sorry, but Russian women are known for being smoking hot, especially when they're 20 (not so much as they get older) and she sounds like a real beauty, but still you asked him and obvious question and you wanted him to lie...further proving how women don't really want to hear the truth.

 

Beauty is not the MOST important thing, but it's something that gets a guys tongue hanging out...especially since the guy is so much older, he can't help himself to a degree. But you can't be prettier, that's not how it works for men, other women will be prettier than you are...it's a fact, you will age, your beauty will fade and not match up to a youthful woman in her 20's, you're not going to be the most beautiful woman on the planet in his eyes at 60...women never are the most beautiful objectively that men are with, but it's how they feel for their women that make them overall more "beautiful", it's a separate thing because you cannot compete with her, sorry but you don't stand a chance if that's the rules you are playing by, you are destined to feel uglier because in reality objectively speaking...you are.

 

 

I'm getting so many mixed responses and people are telling me completely different things, so I'm a bit confused. Some people are getting so off topic to. The question is: Should I force my husband to fire this woman and cut all ties with her? And isn't his behavior already a form of infidelity? The fact that he's kissing and hugging her shows he's cheating, he shouldn't even touch other women!

 

You shouldn't force your husband to do anything. Your husband is a doctor for one, women are going to tell you to appreciate you have just for that, let alone if he's actually nice and treats you well...it's not easy to get a doctor who's a decent guy, you should reality check yourself...how likely are you to get another man like him? you're not exactly a 20 year smoking hot Russian girl anymore, you'd have to date some doctor 10 years older than you.

 

His behavior is not infidelity but he is clearly attracted to this girl, but trust me he's not the only one. I know you don't care what other men do, but she's beautiful, she's going to have this affect on men, sorry that makes you jealous because I'm sure if you were her you wouldn't even give a damn...in fact I know that.

 

He's got to be careful what he does with other women, the kissing and hugging....well the hugging is more appropriate than the kissing, I'll agree with you on that. But on the same hand it's much more effective for women to let a man indulge in a little bit of flirtation than it is for them to completely cut him off.

 

If you cut this guy off and make him fire her, because you basically have to force him to be the kind of guy you want him to be for you...then you are actually pushing him away, you should let men have some slack if you want them to stay faithful, if you try to suffocate them with your grip then it's way worse...because you push a guy to go way overboard just to get some affectionate...he is a man, he will always be attracted to other women. You will not be the only one in his eyes, sorry that's just a fantasy conjured up by women over their own insecurity.

 

As far as helping him with advice and all of that, he shouldn't do that...that's the most slippery slope. If I were you I'd tell him to cut off the personal contact as that will build an emotional relationship between the two and that's inappropriate judging by the "rules" and boundaries of this marriage.

 

But IMO you should be fair about it, and not so insecure and over protective, jealous and insecure...because you will eventually lose a man doing that, you will put so much pressure on a man you will eventually push him away...and right now, that's a REALLY bad idea...because guess which girl you're going to push him towards? someone hotter, younger, and maybe even more secure, polite and nicer...and he doesn't even know her well enough to know her faults and bad qualities...you need to REALLY CAREFUL with what you do here.

 

As much as it may make your skin crawl, give him the trust, give him the respect...tell him you trust and respect him and say you know he loves you the most but you need him to assure you sometimes, he can still have a professional relationship with her but out of respect for your feelings you'd appreciate if he doesn't kiss her talk to her about her personal problems as that can lead to something deeper.

 

Otherwise, if you listen to your feelings and your reaction to this, you are going to lose this guy and think about it real careful because I guarantee if you lose this guy you're going to realize you did something real stupid...so be wise and think about your future, because this guy is in a position to turn this from just a friendship into something possibly more, he needs to feel trusted or you're essentially making him out to be a cheater...so then why not just become one? he might think that if you act too wild and crazy and keep giving him crap.

[anne1707]

she has done everything wrong, see my previous four paragraph comment, and note that she is not a patient

 

If you re-read my post you will see that I know the girl is not a patient. I was asking the OP how she feels about her husband treating women patients.

 

As for your four paragraphs above, you are making judgements but can you please provide evidence for those. How do you know how the girl dresses or that she is pushing for drama?

[darkmoon]

the fact that she kisses the boss won't just get lost or tell the guy she has a boyf 'makes her suspect, sorry, but i know how to deflect male interest, and how to bring it on, she is doing the latter

 

poor wife, everybody is happy but her, i know her husband is being nice to her, but still here at the centre of attention is the employee, meh

Edited October 11, 2014 by darkmoon

[anne1707]

the fact that she kisses the boss won't just get lost or tell the guy she has a boyf 'makes her suspect, sorry, but i know how to deflect male interest, and how to bring it on, she is doing the latter

 

poor wife, everybody is happy but her, i know her husband is being nice to her, but still here at the centre of attention is the employee, meh

 

The problem is that this is trying to interpret the girl's behaviours when really that is not important. It is the husband's behaviours that matter.

[Alexandra_24]

This girl's mother was actually a patient at my husband's office, so that's why her mother referred her to see my husband after she was hired. But even though she applied to be a patient there, my husband should have denied seeing her. I don't care if she needed help or if she's suicidal or whatever. She is RUINING our marriage and my husband shouldn't be showing even the slightest bit of affection to other women! Even if a patient of my husband's is dying, I should be his utmost priority and when I tell him to spend time with me, he is REQUIRED to do so no matter what.

[Arieswoman]

Alexander_24,

I am confused, are say saying this female is a patient as well as an employee ?

[anne1707]

This girl's mother was actually a patient at my husband's office, so that's why her mother referred her to see my husband after she was hired. But even though she applied to be a patient there, my husband should have denied seeing her. I don't care if she needed help or if she's suicidal or whatever. She is RUINING our marriage and my husband shouldn't be showing even the slightest bit of affection to other women! Even if a patient of my husband's is dying, I should be his utmost priority and when I tell him to spend time with me, he is REQUIRED to do so no matter what.

 

So he should leave a dying patient when they need him most just because you order him to do so? If you want your husband to be unfaithful, you are going about it in the right way.

[Arieswoman]

Alexandra_24,

You have a lot of my sympathy for your situation, but when you write stuff like this ;-

 

Even if a patient of my husband's is dying, I should be his utmost priority and when I tell him to spend time with me, he is REQUIRED to do so no matter what.

 

then I loose patience as ^^^^ is just childish, selfish and silly.

 

I am beginning to wonder if you are a real person or a troll?

[Alexandra_24]

Alexander_24,

I am confused, are say saying this female is a patient as well as an employee ?

 

Yes, she is a patient and employee. But she was technically an employee first, and then her mother told her to see my husband as a psychologist, because my mother trusts my husband and apparently likes the advice he gives.