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He isn't sure whether or not I should move to be with him.... :(

ConfusedHere1

By ConfusedHere1
in Long-Distance Relationships

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ConfusedHere1 Member

ConfusedHere1

Posted
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Hi there,

 

I'll make this as short and simple as possible. My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months now, and he recently took a job a couple of hours away from where we live now. When he was first offered the job, I told him I didn't think I could do a LDR, but I was willing to move down there to continue our relationship (we would still be living separately, but in the same city).

 

At first, I thought he was as stoked as I was about me coming with him. Then a few weeks ago he mentioned he was unsure whether he could commit to a long-term relationship with me and if I moved down there, it should be for my own reasons and not only just to be with him, lest I become dependent/disappointed if my expectations of our relationship are not met.

 

I already told him I love him and he says he cares about me a lot and I'm his "favorite person in the world", but he wants to start a new chapter in his life with his new job, new surroundings, etc. He also said he dreaded having this talk with me because he wasn't sure how he felt. He said "who knows, maybe I'll get down there and a few weeks by myself will make me realize how much I miss you and want you to come down."

 

He said that discussion doesn't change things between us now, but I beg to differ. It has been tearing me up inside and he just wants to pretend things are normal between us in the meantime. He will be coming back up here Friday night, so I will see him then, but I am not sure how to broach the subject again, especially if he hasn't confirmed one way or another about continuing our relationship with me moving down with him.

 

Help me, please! I am at a crossroads. I want to fight for this relationship (what if this is just a rough patch and soon he will realize he wants me in his life for a long time??). I don't want to throw in the towel yet, but all of this uncertainty is taking a toll on me.

 

A side note: He was the main reason I wanted to move, but I also expressed that getting away from everything up here that gives me stress/anxiety was another reason I was looking forward to new surroundings.

Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

Posted
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Did you say he will be moving to someplace that is only a couple of hours away? As in two hours? With what mode of transportation is it two hours away? Car/bus or airplane?

 

If it is only two hours by car/bus, that is not very far. That is an easily doable LDR, where you guys can see each other on weekends. But if it is two hour trip by airplane, then that's a little more significant, but still an LDR can be managed with planning.

 

Concerning your situation of your boyfriend being unsure, you guys needs to actually discuss how it will be temporary, and both of you can easily manage to continue the relationship. You should not consider giving up, just because of some distance between you two. I understand that the simplicity and convenience of living in the same city is comfortable, but distance can strengthen a relationship. I suggest you keep an open mind about long distance, and discuss what both of your fears are of him moving away. You may be able to come up with a solution.

  • Like 2
umirano Established Member

umirano

Posted
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Then a few weeks ago he mentioned he was unsure whether he could commit to a long-term relationship with me and if I moved down there, it should be for my own reasons and not only just to be with him, lest I become dependent/disappointed if my expectations of our relationship are not met.

Listen to him. He tells you how he feels.

 

what if this is just a rough patch and soon he will realize he wants me in his life for a long time??

He will have to signal so to you in no uncertain terms. For now he just moved away from you and told you he isn't able to commit. Listen to him!

 

I don't want to throw in the towel yet, but all of this uncertainty is taking a toll on me.

Yes, hopefully it's taking a toll! It's your gut telling you there's a problem!

 

A side note: He was the main reason I wanted to move, but I also expressed that getting away from everything up here that gives me stress/anxiety was another reason I was looking forward to new surroundings.

I don't know what it is that causes you stress and anxiety, but I'm fairly sure that chasing a guy (and moving in the process) who's just told you he isn't ready will likely not redeem the stress. You need to sort out your problems, not run from them into a RS that is very likely to cause you a lot more stress and anxiety.
  • Like 4
writergal Established Member

writergal

Posted
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he mentioned he was unsure whether he could commit to a long-term relationship with me and if I moved down there, it should be for my own reasons and not only just to be with him, lest I become dependent/disappointed if my expectations of our relationship are not met.

 

This sounds like his indirect way of breaking up with you unfortunately, because distance wouldn't change his feelings for you, if he were truly in love with you.

 

He said that discussion doesn't change things between us now, but I beg to differ.

 

I agree with your gut feeling that his flip-flopping is a red flag about his true feelings for you. How do you broach the subject, you ask? You ask him to give you an answer Friday night to this question, "Do you want to be in a relationship with me or not?" This is not the time to tip-toe around the elephant in the room -- your relationship. You need a yes/no answer from him, as to whether or not you'll still be girlfriend/boyfriend despite the 2 hour distance.

 

When you talk to him Friday night, don't let him off the hook about the status of your relationship. The doubt he's already expressed isn't a good sign, and it would be cruel for him to leave you hanging for an answer.

  • Like 2
babsr Member

babsr

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I had almost exactly the same situation except my boyfriend moved to australia (I am in the US) for a job and he doesn't know how long he will be there and we had been dating a year when he left.

 

We talked about me taking a year off of school and coming with him, but he said he didn't want me to come because we had only been dating 4 months at the time, and he was worried I would get there and it would be a huge mistake. So basically this news broke me and I almost broke up with him, a few times.

 

But we decided to stay together until he left. And trust me, this was a really hard time for me. For both of us. But something in my gut told me I couldn't break up with him yet.

 

So two months before he was supposed to leave he told me that he wants to try doing LDR (which he had been adamantly opposed to before and which had led to a lot of fights over me thinking he didn't really love me). So we decided to try it, and it was really hard at first because I knew he was iffy about it. Then he told me he will commit 100% to long distance and is even considering ending his job in a year instead of staying longer (which again, even him just mentioning is HUGE). He didn't realize how much he wanted me in his life until he put himself thousands of miles away from me.

 

I don't know if we will survive the distance, and make it a year. But I do have tickets to visit him over the Christmas holidays for just under a month so I guess we will have to have some pretty serious talks.

 

But the point is, every logical part of me told me to break up with him. But I just loved him so much, and I knew that if I didn't stay with him to see what happens, I would be making a big mistake. So I don't know if this helps, and this certainly isn't every case. But it is possible he just needs to see what life is like without before realizing how stupid he is being. So if he is REALLY worth it, I say work with him to get past your sadness in his decision WITH him (as I did) and see where it leads. But if it is too much for you, then you have to think of yourself and your mental health first.

  • Like 1
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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This sounds like his indirect way of breaking up with you unfortunately, because distance wouldn't change his feelings for you, if he were truly in love with you.

 

 

 

I agree with your gut feeling that his flip-flopping is a red flag about his true feelings for you. How do you broach the subject, you ask? You ask him to give you an answer Friday night to this question, "Do you want to be in a relationship with me or not?" This is not the time to tip-toe around the elephant in the room -- your relationship. You need a yes/no answer from him, as to whether or not you'll still be girlfriend/boyfriend despite the 2 hour distance.

 

When you talk to him Friday night, don't let him off the hook about the status of your relationship. The doubt he's already expressed isn't a good sign, and it would be cruel for him to leave you hanging for an answer.

 

This. He's having second thoughts about the relationship in general, not just the distance. He needs to be direct with you. Him telling you this doesn't changed things simply isn't true, from your standpoint. He can't exactly drop this bomb and expect everything to go back to normal. He's just told you he doesn't know if you have a future together - that is huge. Listen to him.

  • Like 4
SummerDreams Established Member

SummerDreams

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When he was first offered the job, I told him I didn't think I could do a LDR, but I was willing to move down there to continue our relationship (we would still be living separately, but in the same city).

 

Why did you tell him you didn't want an LDR? Was it the truth or you just wanted to take this chance to self-invite yourself to his new town? (just trying to understand how you think).

 

At first, I thought he was as stoked as I was about me coming with him. Then a few weeks ago he mentioned he was unsure whether he could commit to a long-term relationship with me and if I moved down there, it should be for my own reasons and not only just to be with him, lest I become dependent/disappointed if my expectations of our relationship are not met.

 

I already told him I love him and he says he cares about me a lot and I'm his "favorite person in the world", but he wants to start a new chapter in his life with his new job, new surroundings, etc. He also said he dreaded having this talk with me because he wasn't sure how he felt. He said "who knows, maybe I'll get down there and a few weeks by myself will make me realize how much I miss you and want you to come down."

 

So basically his thoughts are that you going to live in this new town will mean you will be bond with each other and he doesn't want that. What he really had in mind was keeping you in an LDR and in the mean time having his eyes open for new adventures. When you told him you were going to be living close to him, his possibility for acting as single i n the new town disappeared. That's why he wants you to stay where you are for a while "to see if he misses you", to explore his possibilities and go back to you if there is nothing interesting there.

 

Bottom line is, he is not truly in love with you and missing you won't reveal him anything new. He is just a player who wants to explore new adventures but keep you as his safe booty call. A man who truly loves a woman and wants to be in her life longtime can't imagine himself away from her for a long time. This guy is not it.

  • Like 3
Diezel Established Member

Diezel

Posted
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He's not committed but he's also right:

 

You don't move for a person, you move for yourself.

I've seen way too many relationships grow a sense of resentment because one person moved ONLY for the other, and then they hated it or they felt out of place, or they missed their bubble so much, that they shifted that feeling to their partner.

 

And this is regardless of him.

 

But still, what he is saying is two different things:

 

(1) I don't see a long-term future with you yet, maybe if I have no other options

(2) Don't move because of me, move because you want to and see a future for yourself.

 

You can say #2 while saying that you DO see a long-term future, but by making sure that the person is moving for the right reasons.

  • Like 2
veggirl Established Member

veggirl

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ouch, I'm sorry :( I've been in a similar situation. When he said he wasn't sure if I should come, we broke up and I didn't contact him at all. I suggest you do the same. Do not move there unless he specifically asks you to move with him and even then, give it careful thought and a lot of thought. You'll look like you're chasing him if you're like "oh yeah that's cool but I'm moving there anyway but uh...for me..." he'll know its not true.

 

I'm really sorry but in this situation he made his decision and you need to let him live with it.

  • Like 1
TMichaels Established Member

TMichaels

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...And the OP never replied to any suggestions there either.

 

That's because she didn't get the responses she wanted to hear. Happens a lot on the board, unfortunately.

 

OP, most likely you've read what others took the time to write. Even if you don't like what people had to say, the least you should do is make an appearance and thank them for trying to help you.

 

Bottom line: It's your life, you can live it any way you want to. But, the fact no matter how many threads you start or how you describe the situation there's been universal consensus about what's going on and what you should do.

 

Wake up, smell the coffee and pay attention to that -- AND "don't shoot the messenger" as they say...

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

  • Like 3
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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Ouch! I know this has to pack a sting but he's actually doing the honorable thing and letting you go.

 

Many of the other posters have been on the money in regards to the nuts and bolts of this specific situation so I will take a broader look at the big picture to put this in more perspective.

 

There is a very valid and important reason that traditionally when a man wants to commit to woman he has to ask her daddy for his blessing, then he shells out a sizable chunk of his income on a ring and then gets down on one knee to ask her to marry him. There is a reason that has been tradition in one form or another for thousands of years -

 

..... It's to show that he is serious and that he is committed and to show that he is taking the initiative and is leading the relationship.

 

You see here's the catch and this is what makes this important. Guys are lazy when poontang is handed to them. If a gal is providing him sex and companionship, he will just coast along with it even though he is not committed and even though his heart isn't truly into it.

 

He will coast along and let her keep his tank dry until "the one" does come along. The big problem is once "the one" comes along, the tank drainer will get left along the side of the road in the blink of an eye.

  • Like 4
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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He may like you and he may enjoy having you around and he surely likes having sex with you.

 

But he is being clear here that you are not "the one" and he doesn't want to commit to you.

 

He is at least trying to be honorable here in not having you uproot your life to be with him. He is doing the right thing. Take heed of that.

 

If you were "the one" he would make his future plans with you in it and he would get down on one knee and propose to you and he would describe what his plan for the future life for the two of you would be.

 

He would not see himself as uprooting your life just to see him. He would see himself as providing your new life.

 

 

I know this is painful to accept, but it is the reality. Be thankful he isn't just stringing you along and letting you uproot your life to keep his tank drained until the right one comes along and he leaves you sitting along the road.

  • Like 2
travelbug1996 Established Member

travelbug1996

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he's not as invested in this situation as you are. i would go NC.

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ConfusedHere1 Member

ConfusedHere1

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Sorry, I haven't received all of the notifications to responses on this post. I decided to also post in LDR as I have posted in other LDR forums and received different advice from those folks and thought I'd get as many perspectives as possible to contemplate before deciding what to do. I really do appreciate everyone's taking time to input on the situation.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
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I decided to also post in LDR as I have posted in other LDR forums and received different advice from those folks and thought I'd get as many perspectives as possible to contemplate before deciding what to do.

 

 

 

I'd say the responses on the LDR forum are exactly as they are here.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
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Sorry, I haven't received all of the notifications to responses on this post. I decided to also post in LDR as I have posted in other LDR forums and received different advice from those folks and thought I'd get as many perspectives as possible to contemplate before deciding what to do. I really do appreciate everyone's taking time to input on the situation.

 

It seems as though most people here are giving you the same advice - prepare for the end of this relationship. This thread, combined with your other, makes it quite clear you're not on the same page as your boyfriend anymore. He's told you he doesn't want to continue with the way things are. I'm not sure what you're holding out for at this point, exactly.

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