He filed, asked for sole custody

[beach]

Honey, you can't be amicable with a crazy person. This is where you keep mis stepping.

 

And your life will improve greatly if you can get that straight. He's only nice when he wants something from you. He uses you. He may be a sociopath for all we know.

 

I'm even sad he knows where you live.

 

But keep him away.

 

And there is no need to be nice to him - he's trying to ruin your life and he will if you don't get strong and make sure he stays away. Meet for drop off/pick up at the police station if needed. And cut all other communication with him. Stick only to the agreed schedule...do not waiver.

 

It's time to fight dirty - because you keep allowing him to take advantage of you.

 

I repeat - you can't be his friend! He intends to take you down. Start fighting harder.

 

I believe you can. I hope you will.

[jakrbbt]

Thank you, Ken, that helps so much. I've read your post three times so far. Where you say that I have all the strength I need, just when I need it-- that is essential for me to hear. That is a big fear for me: Not being able to handle the trial, not being up for the fight, letting go and losing my opportunity to protect our son's future.

 

I used to race long distance. I even had an Olympic coach, who saw me run and offered to train me for free. I'd break records during practice runs. But the thing was, come race time, my body would turn to rubber and I'd under-perform. I fear that the same thing will happen during this trial.

 

But in things like the bar exam-- where the stakes were much higher-- I'd do fine, no nerves at all. I think it was because studying and school are pleasant for me.

 

I have to remember that the trial is not about me. It's about my son.

 

I wouldn't be any kind of parent if I didn't realize that having a child comes with the possibility of heartache and loss. A child could get sick, could become disabled, could get into an accident, could develop behavioral or drug problems, could go to prison. And yes, could be used as a pawn by a manipulator, and even lost to me custody-wise. It's just so soon to have to think any of those things might happen. But if he were sick, I'd be right there in the surgery-- not whining about why is this happening to me. I guess the courtroom is the surgery room. They'll be surgically removing his parents' toxic set-up-- the manipulator and the enabler-- from his future. I'll be there to make sure it goes well, and I'll be there forever to push him around in the wheelchair and do physical therapy with him if it does not.

 

I guess that's why I feel nervous whenever I talk to people who imagine they just have my best interests in mind. But I feel calmer whenever I talk to someone (like the therapist my son and I have been seeing) who has my son's best interests in mind.

 

Anyway, I can't thank you enough Ken, you are very astute to focus on the strength aspect. That, for me, is the thing. That is the fear. You touch the point with a needle, as they used to say in Ancient Rome. I fear not having strength for this-- and lo and behold, look at that, I was a weenie in the relationship. The only person who can un-weenify me is me.

 

But the more specific advice on that, the better. Step one is probably declining to pay his car insurance or even to pay for the insurance form. Step two might be gathering strength in some other aspect of life-- meeting some new friends, or hiking some rough terrain, or finally trying to get a short story published.

[BetrayedH]

Yes, you can move on from a manipulator and even coparent with them while building your own independent life. Yay!

 

It happens slowly, one decision at a time. Keep working towards more appropriate boundaries and keep working on detaching. That means following beach's advice about keeping him out of your home. Simply make it clear that you want to respect each others' personal space. Do your exchanges at the door or the driveway. 3 years in and my ex has never entered my home (her choice) and I've entered hers twice (once per her invite and once for the restroom). And I'm at her place at least once a week.

 

And absolutely do NOT pay one more cent than what is court-ordered unless it is a legitimate shared expense (E.g. Medical, some clothing - my ex and I share the expense of tennis shoes, and extracurriculars).

 

Much like to you, I allowed my spouse to be in control. I have learned to respectfully but firmly push back. Reduce the communication and detach. Everything is done by email. If it is time sensitive/urgent, then send a text. Only if it cannot be avoided should you talk by phone or meet in person. If you don't need to reply, then don't.

 

And I'd urge a sit-down form of mediation. Screw the endless filings, replies, and delays that occur by having attorneys hash it out my mail. Have your attorney schedule a day of mediation. Draft an agreement first (your own). Your H and his attorney are in one room; you and your attorney are in another. A third attorney (whom you both pay 50/50 by the hour at the end of the day) goes back and forth with changes until you agree. Took me 10 hours. The agreement was signed there and sent to a judge. I was divorced 2 weeks later. THEN, you can no longer be manipulated. An agreement is in place and you move on with your life. Your H can try to mess with you but he'll have diminishing returns and (most likely) eventually give up.

[jakrbbt]

Beach, and BetrayedH, thank you. This is kind of a turning point for me.

 

The thought that I can't have the amicable relationship I want with him-- I didn't think of that before. Yes, I'll be friendly to him and I certainly won't stand in his way of taking care of himself. But if being "nice" means, to him, all of this mess, then there's no point in continuing to hang out together like this.

 

Detaching and setting boundaries. Well, I set one tiny one. One at a time, I guess. The tiny boundary was, he called to tell me he was sick, and in the past I'd have driven right over there with some medicine and things. (Not that that would be his doing, if he never asked for it.) I did not. And I'll stop inviting him over, because he's still asking for stuff and dinking around with the case and we just can't have this messed-up relationship at the same time. I just don't want him going into court and saying that he's the one wanting to get along and that I've blocked him from my home. I'll discuss with my lawyer.

 

I do need to detach. I didn't think so, but I do. Maybe lots of active friendships will help. The kinds of friends who do come over, not just people I facebook. If I could date someone, and have healthy boundaries with him, that would probably place my husband's behavior in perspective fast. But I don't want to date yet, it would be weird.

 

He is using me. That's hard to keep seeing. I need the reminders!

[kenmore]

Detaching and setting boundaries. Well, I set one tiny one. One at a time, I guess. The tiny boundary was, he called to tell me he was sick, and in the past I'd have driven right over there with some medicine and things. (Not that that would be his doing, if he never asked for it.) I did not. And I'll stop inviting him over, because he's still asking for stuff and dinking around with the case and we just can't have this messed-up relationship at the same time. I just don't want him going into court and saying that he's the one wanting to get along and that I've blocked him from my home. I'll discuss with my lawyer.

 

Awesome jakrbbt! That is a great start! Definitely don't invite him over or in your house anymore. It's your home to block him from and I'm sure the court will see that (but do ask your lawyer.) I can't imagine any legal system telling you that you need to let someone who is manipulating you into your house.

 

If it makes you feel any better about yourself, I see that a large part of your problem is the same one I have, and that's that we still want our relationships. We are in a form of denial and keep hoping things will get better and we can go back to being happy. Obviously I can't know the dynamic of your relationship, but things like tending to him with medicines when he's sick show you still care a lot! Trust me when I tell you that I know exactly how that feels! It's like being split in two. Your heart wants to make it better, and your brain says no!

 

I am constantly feeling that if I keep projecting my love, let my wife know how much I care and continue to be there for her when she needs me that someday soon she'll "see the light" and realize what she's throwing away. It is a struggle to bottle it all up and try to keep her at a distance, but I know that's the only way to protect myself.

 

You can do it, but it will feel unnatural. Stop spending money on him, that's a big step! If he can't pay for his insurance, let him not have any and pay the consequences instead. He's not your child and you are not responsible for him, and you taking care of things like that makes him appear more "together" because he is meeting the needs society say need to be met. It's false and hurts you financially, and just makes him look better in the eyes of the court. In effect, you're paying to create a worse position for yourself.

 

You will get through this and see light at the end of the tunnel...with custody! I just know you will, because I am seeing the strength welling up inside you!

 

Wishing you my best.

 

Ken

Edited January 4, 2015 by kenmore

[jakrbbt]

Around dinnertime H texted me a photo of myself. It's from a few years ago, me being silly, and it's also a photo he finds attractive.

 

It calmed me down. It made me think: Maybe he's not trying to go for the throat.

 

Stupid me. I know I am wrong. But I find the calm to be very useful. Can't I still capitalize on that?

 

I'm nervous about talking to my attorney soon. What if he says we have nothing but the lukewarm strategy he's briefly suggested before? An attorney friend may help me put together a litigation plan for my lawyer, but only if we both have time, which is doubtful.

 

In the meantime, I've a work project due tomorrow, one due Wednesday, cases in court twice this month, my son was sick the last few days and he is now staying up late (but CUTE), and my part-time nanny is sick. And on top of it, I'm supposed to prepare for this custody case in one month? This one crazy month??

 

But I've been careful to spend a lot of quality time with my son even while stressed out. I was a nanny before, and I love playing with toddlers. Last night I told him a long story I made up-- one of my specialties. He has to get the words from the context of other words. He was so excited because for the first time, he really "got" the story. I heard him on the baby monitor, re-telling it to his stuffed tiger. Lots of little things like that happening.

 

I don't agree with this law wherein the judge isn't allowed to impose joint custody. In essence, in all contested cases, the judge will be depriving one party of something they have- their legal custodial rights. Where both parents are fit, then one gets their custodial right taken away even though they're a good parent and have done nothing wrong at all-- just because, well, someone has to lose custody. And where one parent is unfit, or borderline unfit, the court dern well better see it, or else it's ruining a kid's life with one wrong decision.

 

I don't like thinking of all the scores of parents who loved and nurtured their kids, and then, without having done anything to deserve or expect it, lost custody. What an unjust law, not allowing a judge to impose joint custody. That law is meant to save court resources, so that parents who can't even agree to joint custody don't end up in court fighting over custodial decisions. Bullsh**t. My H, for example, wants sole custody for reasons that are entirely different from custodial decisions. He wants sole custody even if he would agree on every single custodial decision. And besides that, I'd gladly pay for the extra judicial resources if it means parents aren't needlessly deprived of custody.

 

I just thought of something. If he gets sole custody, he will not allow our child to go to private school, because he can't afford it and won't want to have to pay half. And the public schools around here are not great. But H will not want to pony up. I'd happily pay all the expenses of private school. In fact I've already budgeted for it-- I'm paying my loans on a schedule with that in mind. But if I pay for his schooling entirely, just as I pay for all my son's other stuff, H would probably fear that I'd go to court and ask for it to re-visit custody and to grant me custody instead since I'm the one operating as the custodial parent. So H will unilaterally decide on public schooling and no expensive medical treatment. If he has sole custody, I can't do anything about that. My son's education and maybe health will take a backseat to my husband's desire for power. And none of that would be the case if a judge could legally just impose joint custody and my H and I both knew it.

 

While I can't change the law, how can I manufacture the same situation? Where joint custody might have to happen even if H would not want it? Hmmmm.

 

I'm thinking, and I got nothing.

 

It's almost enough to make me want to reconcile with H, so I can't possibly lose legal custody. See how desperate I am for an answer?

 

I am about one page away from done with tomorrow's brief. I'll finish it and then I'll feel better.

[BetrayedH]

What about the mediation meeting I suggested? That seems (to me) like a good opportunity to get both parties to the table and hammering something out without having to go to court.

[clevelander321]

We negotiated for 50/50 parenting time. I have no problem with that continuing, IF my husband can handle it. Right now I'm sure he's getting all the support he can so that he can make a good showing, before the final decision. And that's fine. But he still has no regular job or if he does, he's hiding that fact from me for some reason. He's likely using his non-custodial days to sleep excessively and do hobbies, rather than make a living. If he can't handle our child/ his life in future with 50/50, we can get it modified. He deserves the chance to try at least. I've no desire to keep our son from him, or to compete for affection. Children do both with both parents in their lives, and I want our son to be well-adjusted.

 

 

My only advice would be to try your best to settle all of this out of court. Nobody really wins at court except for attorneys. That's probably why his attorney wants him to go for full custody.. Create a long term expensive legal battle.

 

I was similar to you, but I was the guy.. I worked, paid all the bills, got my son ready for school, put him in bed nightly, made and fed him dinner etc.

 

Once at the temporary hearing it came down to that I worked, she didnt, so it made more sense for my son to be with her. I had proof of an affair, proof she tried to kidnap our son out for the blue for two months, and proof she kept abandoning us.. None of it mattered. Courts do not really care to know or believe every single detail.. most of it is very hard to prove, and all my wife said was that i worked late everyday and never saw our son.. Total lie, but thats all that mattered.

 

I was handed 4 nights a month to see my son.. Luckily we went to a mediator after, and my wife agreed to give me 10 nights.

[beach]

I think it's rather encouraging that the court only awarded him $200 in spousal support and minimal on child support.

 

 

Let him live with that. It won't be "enough" for him if you stop giving him more - and he will be forced to either work or find a new gal to mooch off of. He will quickly find his next victim and the focus will be off of you.

 

But he won't if you keep giving him things (money) to fix his problems.

 

 

After working with about a hundred people directly who did the hard work to get and stay sober long term - NONE of them look like your husbands behavior. His behavior looks like an active user/drinker. So assume he's using some sort of drug.

 

His tickets - his not being capable of filling out a form - his excessive sleeping - his lack of work - his lies - his not being a responsible and decent human being to you = all indicators he is actively using.

 

You are NOT responsible for taking care of him! When you stop making is easy for him to mooch off of you he will find an easier source.

 

Say no to everything he asks of you. You will get your result more quickly.

 

 

If need be you can simply answer "that's not in the court order".

[BlueIris]

My only advice would be to try your best to settle all of this out of court. Nobody really wins at court except for attorneys. That's probably why his attorney wants him to go for full custody.. Create a long term expensive legal battle.

 

I strongly agree. Initial pleadings are usually extreme positions, so that's the hand they're playing but not necessarily the position that opposing party or opposing counsel think is achievable or in the best interests. I'd insist that my attorney float a settlement offer that offers carrots, including support, as well as a long explanatory paragraph about the benefits of settling and setting a framework for co-parenting.

[clevelander321]

I strongly agree. Initial pleadings are usually extreme positions, so that's the hand they're playing but not necessarily the position that opposing party or opposing counsel think is achievable or in the best interests. I'd insist that my attorney float a settlement offer that offers carrots, including support, as well as a long explanatory paragraph about the benefits of settling and setting a framework for co-parenting.

 

Exactly.. I would say in my case my attorney pushed for "full custody". My wife find out and went crazy... All I really wanted was 50/50 as I was being realistic and fair. But I was told we had to go for full custody, and at the end of the day I went from my wife wanting to give me 50/50 to the court giving me 4 nights a month.. Thank god this worked out in mediation.

[BetrayedH]

Exactly.. I would say in my case my attorney pushed for "full custody". My wife find out and went crazy... All I really wanted was 50/50 as I was being realistic and fair. But I was told we had to go for full custody, and at the end of the day I went from my wife wanting to give me 50/50 to the court giving me 4 nights a month.. Thank god this worked out in mediation.

 

Yep, I think going for full custody can be very counter productive. It just makes people respond in kind. And you don't always land in the middle (as your example aptly shows). My wife went full-on for full custody and went into attack mode. I said 50/50. I never budged. We landed at 50/50. You don't have to be at the extreme ends.

[Trimmer]

Yep, I think going for full custody can be very counter productive. It just makes people respond in kind. And you don't always land in the middle (as your example aptly shows). My wife went full-on for full custody and went into attack mode. I said 50/50. I never budged. We landed at 50/50. You don't have to be at the extreme ends.

Our legal system is built - and our attorneys are generally trained - around a philosophy of zealous advocacy by adversarial parties. We could argue (elsewhere!) about whether this works well for criminal and other types of civil matters, but in the case of marriage dissolution and "family law" in general, I believe it often takes parties that might have been able to travel a path to a negotiated settlement and converts them into hostile adversaries.

[kenmore]

That law is meant to save court resources, so that parents who can't even agree to joint custody don't end up in court fighting over custodial decisions. Bullsh**t. My H, for example, wants sole custody for reasons that are entirely different from custodial decisions. He wants sole custody even if he would agree on every single custodial decision. And besides that, I'd gladly pay for the extra judicial resources if it means parents aren't needlessly deprived of custody.

 

Actually I have been doing a lot of thinking about how judicial systems in family law are arranged lately...for some reason.

 

I don't think it's to save court resources as you say (though I'm sure there is much truth in that) as much as it has evolved into what it is because the courts realized over time what works and what doesn't.

 

Example: No fault divorce here in Ca. Sounds unfair to me! Someone decides they simply don't want marriage anymore, why should they get all of the say? Why should someone who still wants it be forced to go with the decision to divorce? Well, the answer must be that they have tried things like forcing people to prove there are grounds for divorce, tried making people go to counseling etc, and it just doesn't work. People end up dead instead.

 

Same with custody, 50/50 just can't work because the people will never agree, and who is really caught in the middle? Yep, the kid(s).

 

All that said, and all due respect to Cleavlander who makes great points, the reason Cleavlander most likely lost custody is because he's a guy. I know, the courts would never discriminate based on sex...

 

And please don't fall for the old photo tactic. I have tried reminiscing with my wife a few times, it feels wrong; not because I don't really feel how I do, but because it feels like manipulation, which it is.

 

Stay firm, go for 100% custody! It's all or nothing time, and you deserve it!

 

Ken

[Yasuandio]

Our legal system is built - and our attorneys are generally trained - around a philosophy of zealous advocacy by adversarial parties. We could argue (elsewhere!) about whether this works well for criminal and other types of civil matters, but in the case of marriage dissolution and "family law" in general, I believe it often takes parties that might have been able to travel a path to a negotiated settlement and converts them into hostile adversaries.

 

This is EXACTLY what happens. The sooner one wakes up to that FACT, the more money "might" be left in your pocketbook after the trial. And you can forget mediation with a trick like the one you got. Someone already said just recently, AGAIN, "reality-check" time. And it wasn't me. As well, don't count on the Court, Laws, Jury, Facts, or your Attorney to get proper Justice. It is a crap shoot, at best. Sorry, that is ONE SINGLE FACT you can count on. This is the reason I so begged you to gather intelligence to can his fanny, apriori. Now, he's on to you, too late. That's that.

 

And your talkie-talk now, sounds all gooy-ooeey romantic-like. Ehhhh. But typical. I did it myself, makes me wanna gag.

 

He will be in control 50/50 at least, and in your face 5-10 years from now when this starts sinking in, and making you live in a complete nausiated state. And influence on the boy? Oh dear.

 

Good luck. Happy New Year. Over and out. Yas

[clevelander321]

Actually I have been doing a lot of thinking about how judicial systems in family law are arranged lately...for some reason.

 

I don't think it's to save court resources as you say (though I'm sure there is much truth in that) as much as it has evolved into what it is because the courts realized over time what works and what doesn't.

 

Example: No fault divorce here in Ca. Sounds unfair to me! Someone decides they simply don't want marriage anymore, why should they get all of the say? Why should someone who still wants it be forced to go with the decision to divorce? Well, the answer must be that they have tried things like forcing people to prove there are grounds for divorce, tried making people go to counseling etc, and it just doesn't work. People end up dead instead.

 

Same with custody, 50/50 just can't work because the people will never agree, and who is really caught in the middle? Yep, the kid(s).

 

All that said, and all due respect to Cleavlander who makes great points, the reason Cleavlander most likely lost custody is because he's a guy. I know, the courts would never discriminate based on sex...

 

And please don't fall for the old photo tactic. I have tried reminiscing with my wife a few times, it feels wrong; not because I don't really feel how I do, but because it feels like manipulation, which it is.

 

Stay firm, go for 100% custody! It's all or nothing time, and you deserve it!

 

Ken

 

Of course... If I did what my wife did (not work, abandon the family twice , take the kid overseas and not return, use family money on an affair, and be caught lying on the stand about everything), I might get supervised visitation...

 

I was clean as a whistle, and because i worked to support three people, it means I am "not the primary" and i was punished.

[beach]

He knows your weak areas. He's definitely going to use them against you at the most opportune time (that serves him best).

 

Start practicing being cold. You NEED to!

 

Become more cold and unfeeling with him - as he's proven he's going to take you down if you don't.

 

Think of it as your protective barrier. But start doing it more often than not. You can then become more neutral about the split.

 

It's like dividing a business. It's a transaction that will end and assets get split. The more you can feel unemotional about the things he attempts to manipulate you with - the less he will try it.

[kenmore]

The more I read here the more I feel like I'm in a surreal situation.

 

Ok, this dude has nothing to speak of, he can't even fill out forms? He can't function in society? He can't pay for his own insurance? He can't be sober? Why is there even a question about who will get custody?

 

Cleveland, I hear you! I heard what you said and maybe...I don't know, maybe there is some weird justice aberration that causes things like what you describe, but it just seems so incredible (I am not doubting you, I just feel as I mentioned earlier.)

 

I am failing to see why there is an issue! Jacrbbt, if there are circumstances I am not taking in, maybe you will fill me in, but I think him getting custody is ludicrous! Don't be arrogant about it, but have confidence! I mean c'mon!

 

Maybe it's me. I'm just not seeing it. Sorry. It doesn't make sense to me.

[clevelander321]

 

Cleveland, I hear you! I heard what you said and maybe...I don't know, maybe there is some weird justice aberration that causes things like what you describe, but it just seems so incredible (I am not doubting you, I just feel as I mentioned earlier.)

 

I worked outside of the home.. The status quo was my ex wife staying home.. They wanted to keep the status quo.

[Yasuandio]

I worked outside of the home.. The status quo was my ex wife staying home.. They wanted to keep the status quo.

 

I "was" going to regognize this post with a "like," as the above is one of the risks that can occur in Jkrbbits situation. But I don't "like" it, of course. If her husband landed full custody due to maintaining the status quo, it would be an outrage.

 

On the otherhand, (in the devil's advocate position), can you hold the man's past mistakes against him for the rest of his life? Jkrabbit (a professional woman, educated, with a pretigious career, and good standing in the community) obviously deemed husband to have rehabilitated himself well enough to be once again an acceptable husband, father, and homemaker. He did not hide his past from her, she walked into the marital relationship and had a baby with the man with her eyes wide open. Now, dispite the wisdom that ANY divorce attorney would suggest to her, Jkrbbit is openly dating, clearly wanting to, even though she is still married.

 

Jkrabbit says the hobbies are what helped him stay off the bottle? Well, what is wrong with that? He reformed himself for X number of years. Sometimes when people make such a statement in public, or in front of an audience, they receive applause.

 

Now Jkrabbit says he is drinking again. Is there proof of this? (My point is that is all the ammo she really has, and it could look like a low blow, unless she has evidence of him sitting in a bar. And, if the guy did slip, well, his wife walked out on him, took an apartment and his boy away. Some might feel bad for the guy.).

 

Judges tend to see both sides and find the truth somewhere in the middle. Seeing Jkrabbit so anxious to date, risking appearances in the Court, (when as an Attorney herself, she must know better), demonstrates poor moral judgment, and really lands this decision of full custody square in the middle. [And one's personal assessment of the law on full custody in the State, no matter how thoughtful, is completely irrelevant]. Again, crap shoot. Status quo is certainly a viable option for the Court to consider under the curcumstances. I'm not saying it's right. It's just viable. Just as viable as Jkrabbit having son in day care all day while she works, and using a sitter or relative or former spouse (if she deems fit as full custodial parent) when she dates or has overnight guests (or whatever).

 

Over and Out. Yas

[clevelander321]

Its tough.. You can't say your ex is a crazy alcoholic, yet you let him stay home and raise your child while you work..

[BlueIris]

Its tough.. You can't say your ex is a crazy alcoholic, yet you let him stay home and raise your child while you work..

 

That's right.

 

On the question of whether adversarial posturing is necessary or unavoidable, I don't think that it's necessary no matter what the law in a jurisdiction is. There is a lot of movement in the family courts and family law bar toward resolution through collaborative practice (formal or informal) and mediation. The movie "Divorce Corp" really shreds the family law industry and from what I've seen it's absolutely accurate. There is a lot of money to be made from conflict and fear, and the big money is made in the period prior to hearings. Trial prep is lucrative.

 

But the real scope of possible outcomes and the likely results are clear much earlier in the process, so lawyers ought to be encouraging settlement early. That's the philosophy of collaborative process. The litigation-bound lawyers hide behind this “we have no choice” BS. Pfft. Yeah, right. Ask Stu Webb and Pauline Tesler about that.

 

OP's husband's alcohol problem ought to be addressed in settlement negotiations along with everything else. Evidently, OP's husband has relapsed after a long period of abstinence. This is going to be a family problem forever, so how to best resolve it? Breathalyzers? Treatment? AA? Brainstorm this. Shift to solutions and put down the weapons. What approach is most likely to have positive long term results? Ultimately, this and other issues will have to be resolved, long after the attorneys fees have been paid. These parents (and most parents) are looking at a long period of co-parenting ahead. But so many lawyers don't and won't cut to the chase- the REAL goal of creating a sustainable workable co-parenting framework.

 

Anyway, just my opinion about the Family Courts and how to short-circuit the battle- and save money and build a healthier co-parenting foundation.

Edited January 6, 2015 by BlueIris

[kenmore]

...can you hold the man's past mistakes against him for the rest of his life?

 

No, not for the things mentioned here, but from what I have read, he certainly does not seem to have his act together.

 

...Just as viable as Jkrabbit having son in day care all day while she works, and using a sitter or relative or former spouse (if she deems fit as full custodial parent) when she dates or has overnight guests (or whatever).

 

Over and Out. Yas

 

Actually, this is not a bad situation. She would certainly not be the first person to do this, and it can be beneficial to the child. Having a child home with a single parent all of the time has certain social ramifications. Typically the "day care" child will do better in life in the long run.

[clevelander321]

No, not for the things mentioned here, but from what I have read, he certainly does not seem to have his act together.

 

 

 

Actually, this is not a bad situation. She would certainly not be the first person to do this, and it can be beneficial to the child. Having a child home with a single parent all of the time has certain social ramifications. Typically the "day care" child will do better in life in the long run.

 

I disagree with this.. kids do much better off at home with a loving parent..

 

When they are too young they do not even understand negotiating or interacting with others for it to be meaningful in anyway.. Would be like you in a room with 100 people who speak chinese all bumping into each other..

 

They do however tend to have the poor behaviors of others imprinted on them, as they copy everything.

[Yasuandio]

And so it goes. Good day care, bad day care. OCD SAHS vs no SAHS. Judge in good mood, Judge is lousy mood. Attorney at top speed, Attorney's wife nagged him all night. Some think day care is grand, some think a stay at home parent is ideal. He has "mental issues," so an argument can be made that "she has mental issues from previous tramas." "Status Quo" vs "Upsetting the Apple Cart." "He says, She says." So many varibles. The Laws regarding custody in Jkrabbits jurisdiction totally suck, no matter what. Crap shoot, no matter what.

 

This is a bad situation. Really bad. I WOULD NOT be talking up myself with confidence, that's for sure. I don't know what I would do (at this point), other than keeping my nose squeeky clean, in this scenerio. Y