Teens and bedtime

[Els]

He thinks I should be letting him make his own mistakes, so if he stays up too late then he is the one that pays the price.

 

My parents had a fixed bedtime for me all the way until I moved out at 18. Didn't help one bit, and in fact led to a lot of eye strain trying to read under the covers because there was no point lying in bed 'trying to sleep' for hours if you're not sleepy. Even medical guidelines state that if you haven't fallen asleep after some time, you need to get up and do something, not keep 'trying'.

 

I'm inclined to agree that 15 is a good time to let a child start learning that choices have consequences.

 

and I WILL pay when I can't get him outta bed in the morning. It's already difficult enough. He has to get up at 6:15 and already isn't getting near the amount of sleep that teenagers need.

 

That being said, THIS is not acceptable. He has to be the one facing the consequences, not you. So don't bust your ass to get him out of bed - he gets himself out of bed and if he's not in time for school due to being up late, there will be consequences.

[pink_sugar]

My parents had a fixed bedtime for me all the way until I moved out at 18. Didn't help one bit, and in fact led to a lot of eye strain trying to read under the covers because there was no point lying in bed 'trying to sleep' for hours if you're not sleepy. Even medical guidelines state that if you haven't fallen asleep after some time, you need to get up and do something, not keep 'trying'.

 

I'm inclined to agree that 15 is a good time to let a child start learning that choices have consequences.

 

 

 

That being said, THIS is not acceptable. He has to be the one facing the consequences, not you. So don't bust your ass to get him out of bed - he gets himself out of bed and if he's not in time for school due to being up late, there will be consequences.

 

I agree. Even now as an adult, I don't get my best sleep until I go to bed tired. If I'm not tired, I will just sit there forever.

[Thicke2013]

I agree with most here. My oldest is 16 and hasn't had a set "bedtime" since she was 13. I do ask however that she is in her room by 10 and this is mainly because I have 2 others in the house and I don't want her waking them or me up. She gets herself up and dressed for school. She drives to school so if she is ever late, and she knows this, her car will be parked. We agreed that the first time she is late to school because she over sleeps, then her car is parked for 1 day. On the second offense she loses it for 1 week and the third offense for 2 weeks. After that we would have a serious talk. My 12 year old daughter also has to be in her room by 9:30 but she will sometimes read etc until she goes to sleep. I am very rarely up past 10:30 anymore and most times they are both fast asleep when I go off to bed.

 

I think you are on the right track, with more freedom should definitely come more responsibility and vice versa. Give him a little rope, hopefully he won't hang himself with it. Also you must discuss and have clear guidelines up front of what is expected. That way there are no questions when one of those rules is broken. Good luck OP. Sounds as if you are doing a great job!

[umirano]

My parents brought me up to take care of myself. That included managing my own money, my mobility, my sleep patterns and pretty much everything else. I think having independence and autonomy as principal goals of an upbringing is a good idea. I don't think micro-managing your teen is efficient, nor working really.

[Buzzle]

So we are on the first week of our trial period. I am letting him decide his own bedtime and also letting him have his cell phone in his room.. no reason why not to if I'm not trying to keep him on a set bedtime. I told him that in return I expect him to be able to get up on his own, his chores to be completed without me having to continually ask, and the grades to be maintained.

 

So far I am not loving the trial. Several times now and prior to finishing his chores he has disappeared into his room with his phone on his ear. I didn't say anything for about the first hour but then decided to prod him, reminding him of our "deal". Now, I wasn't sure if I should be doing that at all.. I'm still not tbh. How best to handle myself during this trial… hmm. Part of me thinks I should just sit back and watch.. give him a week or so and watch him in action, either following through or failing miserably and then decide whether or not he's responsible enough to have this much freedom. The other part of me wants to give him every opportunity to correct his actions, and besides.. I want those dishes outta the sink! He did finally get that mess of a room cleaned up thoroughly, so that was a bonus for me. I can see the carpet again.

 

He has not once successfully gotten himself up in the morning. Either he forgets to set it or he says it was set but he was just snoozing it until I came in and officially got him up. I do like the idea of a previous poster to consider an alarm that also has a bright light that turns on.. I've seen them in a variety of styles and maybe something like is what he needs.

 

I'll give it a little more time. Maybe I should tell him that this little trial of ours will come to an end by next weekend unless he can make some improvements. I think I should remind him of what my expectations are so he can't say it crystal wasn't clear to him...

[Art_Critic]

It sounds like a good idea to me.. but also so does all electronics in their charging cradles in the kitchen at 10:30 or 11:00, bedtime can be whenever they choose...

[Art_Critic]

I'll give it a little more time. Maybe I should tell him that this little trial of ours will come to an end by next weekend unless he can make some improvements. I think I should remind him of what my expectations are so he can't say it crystal wasn't clear to him...

 

Oh.. didn't see this post...

 

Make him put his electronics/screens up at a certain time...

 

My brother has 4 teens and he found they would text all night long with their friends while under the covers till he put an end to it, they always have a friend that is up all night...

[hotgurl]

I too make my daughter turn off her phone at 10:30. Not so much because of her but her friends will call at all hours and wake me up.

 

I know it wasn't her because a couple of time she left her phone in the living room.

 

I stopped waking her p around Freshman/Sophomore year. She really matured between freshman and Sophomore year and became more responsible with her studies and time etc...

[Buzzle]

Oh.. didn't see this post...

 

Make him put his electronics/screens up at a certain time...

 

My brother has 4 teens and he found they would text all night long with their friends while under the covers till he put an end to it, they always have a friend that is up all night...

 

Yes and this was one if my issues prior to starting this trial. I had caught him on his phone in bed so I started taking it every night at bedtime. With no set bedtime however, I don't see a huge justification in making him get off the electronics at a certain hour. This is about him proving he can still be responsible with the extra freedom right?

 

Maybe it will end up that I have to tweak this bedtime routine to not include his phone after a certain hour if he can't step it up. That one will be a fight though. He claims he sometimes watches YouTube until he can fall asleep. As much as I have always disliked the idea of his cell in bed with him, I felt like letting him make his own bedtime kinda included letting him have his phone in there too. We'll have to see I guess. Maybe he will sink himself and make all of this real easy to decide in the end.

[Shepp]

He has not once successfully gotten himself up in the morning. Either he forgets to set it or he says it was set but he was just snoozing it until I came in and officially got him up. I do like the idea of a previous poster to consider an alarm that also has a bright light that turns on.. I've seen them in a variety of styles and maybe something like is what he needs.

You know what gets me out of bed on a work morning.. the longer I lay there (as comfortable as laying there is) the less time i'll have to get ready and leave on time. When it gets to the point that I know I wont have enough time if I lay there any longer - I get up.

Because I don't want to be late.

Because I've been late - and it sucked! Late for work and my boss won't be happy and I might miss a call out. If he's late for school then im guessing his teachers wont be chuffed and maybe a detention or at leas a ticking off.

 

 

Maybe that's not the worse thing!

He needs to not want to be late, in order to understand he needs to get up on time, in order to understand he needs to go to bed at a certain time.

Don't step in to save him from the consequences. Some folk don't get it together till the leave home for uni or whatever but if he wants to be treated like an adult and not a kid then he needs to accept his own consequences - didn't set his alarm and misses his bus? Too bad he'll have to walk. Can't get out of bed and winds up late? He'll have to take his detention.

Whatever time he goes to bed at the moment it doesn't really matter cause he knows you'll step in and catch him if he needs it - sometimes people need to fall on their face a few times to learn how to stand on there own.

 

Maybe its a bit harsh but I think its being cruel to be kind, better to be late fro school a couple of times than lose your first job cause you cant get up for work!

 

 

If he still doesn't manage it then he can't blame you at all for going back to how things were, if its you that has to do the waking up then your entitled to make your job easier by setting a bed time!

You heard him out and tried, that makes you a pretty cool mum

[SunnySide0418]

I started off telling my son (he's 13) he "should" be in bed around 10ish and gave him the whole speech about getting 8 hours and feeling refreshed....but I'm in bed way before him so in actuality - he doesn't have a bed time. He also has to get up and catch the bus before I get up too so he's gone and out the door before I open my eyes.

 

He must be getting to bed on time if he's up and at 'em before me, right?

 

Sure he's missed the bus here and there for oversleeping which I'm sure its because he's stayed up too late. Well, I take his ipod or something and he adjusts and learns his lesson.

 

He's only 13 and you go to sleep before him and don't even get up to say goodbye to him in the morning or make him breakfast? Maybe it's just me but I could never do that!

[Phoe]

I didn't have a bedtime set by my parents when I was a teen, but that's likely because I was in bed fast asleep by 8 PM.

 

The bus picked me up at 6 am, I studied hard through classes, went to band or softball practice, was home around sundown, ate, did homework, showered, then passed out. Lol.

 

I was too exhausted for anything else

[Buzzle]

I'm ending our trial this weekend. I don't think he is ready just yet for the responsibility of keeping up his end of the deal. He talks a good talk and can seem very convincing, but I think it just boils down to him wanting what he wants without having to "earn" it.

 

His chores are done completely and on time maybe half the time, and that's being generous. His grades are okay… he was sick for 3 days and is still playing catch-up, so it's hard to know for sure if he is slacking as opposed to just not caught up yet. Of course I can email his teachers, but I'm trying to let him work it out (or not). He does NOT wake himself up in the morning, period. I've suggested he try different tones, some really obnoxious one maybe, but so far nothing is working. I have slacked off some on trying to find a light-up alarm as talked about earlier in this thread, so I can partly blame myself I suppose. Honestly it's harder to wake him up now than before because he is going to bed later. Mornings are frustrating. He is not living up to any of my expectations, and I have told him so.

 

Last night we actually talked about it and l told him that this trial is coming to an end this weekend. His response was to ask for another chance, that he would be better about these things. He said he would wake himself up the next day as he had to get up even earlier for a school function) and that he would be better about his chores. Well this morning I woke up to his alarm going off rather than him, and eventually got up to wake him up. He was tired from staying up late doing homework because he'd gotten home late from a football game at school. Today he fell asleep on the couch after school and woke up in only enough time to get himself ready for another football game… no chores done. I brought it up again on the way to the school and basically his response was that he didn't think I would make a big deal about it because he can just do them when he gets home tonight. And he's "sorry" of course (even though I can tell from his tone that he's not sorry at all). He wants another chance.. he always wants more chances. He doesn't understand that endless chances don't fix this… if he has endless chances there is no motivation to do it right. This is just one example of many similar examples of how the last few weeks have gone. It's not working.

 

I figure that Monday night I will put a bedtime again.. maybe 10:30 to 11. His phone will be back in my room. I will write down his chore list (so I know there is no confusion) and if he completely loses his cool because his "freedoms" are being taken away then I guess I will have to ground him from his phone. I can see it now and can almost predict this is what will happen. Taking this back after 3 weeks is really going to tick him off, but I can't see I have much other choice. Input?

[turnera]

Do your teenagers have a "set" bedtime? My 15 year old just went off on a tangent tonight about how I need to give him more freedom, including NOT giving him a bedtime. He says it's dumb that he has a 10:30 bedtime.. he's "almost driving" and has a "stupid bedtime."

 

He thinks I should be letting him make his own mistakes, so if he stays up too late then he is the one that pays the price. He says he wouldn't stay up all night.. he'd "probably" be in bed around 11:30. He WILL pay when is exhausted in the morning, and I WILL pay when I can't get him outta bed in the morning. It's already difficult enough. He has to get up at 6:15 and already isn't getting near the amount of sleep that teenagers need.

 

I'm a little stunned tbh.. I don't know where this "no bedtime" idea of his came from. I can't think of any other parents of teenagers that allow this.. what about you guys? You have leniency?

Sounds like you have a habit of giving in to him because you don't want him to be upset with you. That's not a parent's job. A parent's job is to set rules and boundaries and, if he breaks them, give him the punishment WITHOUT EMOTION.

 

Read up on Authoritative Parenting (not Authoritarian Parenting). It's THE way to go with teenagers. You set rules, they're allowed to negotiate for variances but otherwise are expected to abide by the rules. They're free to BREAK the rules, but they understand they will then SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.

 

Their choice. Not your problem.

[turnera]

So we are on the first week of our trial period. I am letting him decide his own bedtime and also letting him have his cell phone in his room.. no reason why not to if I'm not trying to keep him on a set bedtime. I told him that in return I expect him to be able to get up on his own, his chores to be completed without me having to continually ask, and the grades to be maintained.

 

So far I am not loving the trial. Several times now and prior to finishing his chores he has disappeared into his room with his phone on his ear. I didn't say anything for about the first hour but then decided to prod him, reminding him of our "deal". Now, I wasn't sure if I should be doing that at all.. I'm still not tbh. How best to handle myself during this trial… hmm. Part of me thinks I should just sit back and watch.. give him a week or so and watch him in action, either following through or failing miserably and then decide whether or not he's responsible enough to have this much freedom. The other part of me wants to give him every opportunity to correct his actions, and besides.. I want those dishes outta the sink! He did finally get that mess of a room cleaned up thoroughly, so that was a bonus for me. I can see the carpet again.

 

He has not once successfully gotten himself up in the morning.

His trial has FAILED.

 

I'm sorry, but he has shown he is not mature enough yet. Some are, some aren't. Reset the 'trial period' - either you get to school on time, ON YOUR OWN, or you are back on 10:30 with no phone in your room. He is NOT an adult. Stop treating him like one.

[thefooloftheyear]

No two kids are the same, IMO....

 

My parents didnt care and I usually stayed up pretty late...But I was a light sleeper and an early riser and never had a problem getting up on the morning...My daighter is the complete opposite...She sleeps like a log...When she nods off its as if she goes into some semi-comatose state that nothing on earth will wake her....And she isnt an early riser....not without a struggle...We tried to enforce an early bedtime, but it doesn't seem to matter if she goes down at 8PM or 11PM....She still struggles with getting up...

 

So for now, we kinda just let her stay up a bit, unless it starts to get real late..She maintains all A's and is an honor student...Its never affected her studies and her teachers say she actively participates and doesnt nod off or look tired..I have been trying to tell her about the importance of getting up and ready early, though...I think its good to prepare them at an early age..

 

TFY