He wants us to try again. Not sure if I should?

[Haerts]

Alright, if you aren't aware of my situation and you would like to read what happened, you can read it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/496121-boyfriend-really-insecure-what-can-i-do-about

 

(I broke up with him last friday night)

 

So yesterday's morning we agreed to give it some time. I didn't talk to him yesterday, but today I was feeling confused again because he put me in a spot I didn't want to be at all: it's like we were on a break. I don't like it, so I decided to send him a text saying I'd like to call him to talk. He couldn't at the moment, but he said he would call me when he got home and he did it.

 

I told him that I was confused about everything and that I would like to talk to him in person, that I wanted to know how he was feeling about us and stuff like that. I've been really lost: sometimes I think it was best to break up, sometimes I think I should've talked to him about everything before taking that decision. And I told him all that.

 

And he said: everything was amazing to me. You're a nice person, so happy, positive, and I really like you, I want to be with you. I was completely shocked when you said you wanted to break up, I wasn't expecting that at all. Everything is fine with me, I do want you back, but you need to think what's happening, what's wrong and if being with me is something you really want. I'm here anyway and I'd like to talk to you in person, I think you should think about everything beforehand though, so you can tell me what was making you upset.

 

Right now I'm like... what?

He was so kind, so gentle, so mature... that's so not him. And he basically said that there's nothing wrong with him. That I'm the confused one, 'cause everything is perfect for him.

 

Now I'm really wondering whether I'm the problematic one and I'm letting a good guy out of my life or if we aren't a great match anyway and I should keep my decision firmly.

 

Do you think it could be that he's playing with me? Am I just overthinking everything? Should I try again? I want to, but I don't know if I should? :\

[Omei]

He said he was really happy and shocked when you did so.

 

Its only been a small while since you broke up why go back now? When you broke up with him were you positive then? Because if you were you need to find that again because you cannot do this again break up and go back again so soon it will put permanent strains on your relationship.

 

Your reasons for breaking up with him will still be there when you go back can you accept them?

[smackie9]

Everyone has doubts with the breakup. From my experience, trying again is a waste of time. You know things were not working out, you know that he can't give you what you want, and there is a reason why you made that final decision to end things. You needed to get out of that situation. Give it more time, and go no contact.

[Haerts]

But he agreed to talk to me and listen to the things that were making me upset. I suppose he wants us to work through this together? Like, identify what's wrong and then see what can be done?

 

We're not back yet. But it's a possibility. I still want to say everything I need to say and then we'll see what to do. But I need to get everything out of my chest, before anything.

 

I guess I'll talk to him and see how it goes? I was positive with my decision, until he talked with me about it, saying that he loves me and wants to be with me. Then I got confused again. Then I decided I shouldn't go back and today I woke up feeling like we needed to talk. Regardless, I'll wait a few days before anything. I still have to think about it. But he said it's on my hands, what really surprised me.

[Omei]

Since you broke up with him isnt the talking part of the program over?

 

Did you only break up with him so he would listen? People dont change in a week.

 

His insecuritys are still going to be present if you get back together again I do not suggest breaking up as a means to fix anything because its only been a week and your considering going back because he misses you.

 

Whatever it is about him that made you break up with him is still going to be there he may be on best behavior for a while but will fall back into old habits.

 

I am a little confused on why you broke up with him in the first place if its so easy to just go back I feel as of you're using the breakup to fear him into getting what you want out of the relationship since you're so easily swayed to consider going back and over time that's gonna get old real fast.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Omei

[Haerts]

Yes, I know things won't change in a week. I broke up with him because it got to the point where I was so confused that I didn't want to talk anymore, I just wanted the weight on my shoulders to be lifted, so I said I wanted to break up, he said "okay then" and I accepted it. I got sad, but I was fine with my decision. But I got confused again when he texted me saying how much he loves me, that he doesn't know what to do but that he wanted me back.

 

Today when I texted him, he seemed to be really wanting to talk to me. He said he's okay with what happened and that we should just overcome that problem, but regardless we need to talk first. I really like him, I don't want to throw it all away because I like him and he seems to like me too.

 

I don't plan on breaking up with him again. Right now, all I want to do is talk to him and see if we can work through the things that made me sad together. If we can, I'll give it a shot. If not, then at least I tried. But I really feel like I should at least try.

[Diezel]

See you in a few weeks when you ask us why he went back to his former, and true, behavior.

[smackie9]

I'm confused with your opening comment: "I'm very secure, I'm attractive and I don't really settle for anything less than what I deserve". If this is true then why are you reconsidering going back with this guy, knowing he has these issues? Remember these issues are preexisting. He has been this way long before you two met. You have pages and pages of women telling you that you need to move on, get out.

[smackie9]

See you in a few weeks when you ask us why he went back to his former, and true, behavior.

 

Ya I have been there. He said things would be better, he would be better, and things were better for 2 weeks and then the crap started all over again.

[Haerts]

I'm confused with your opening comment: "I'm very secure, I'm attractive and I don't really settle for anything less than what I deserve". If this is true then why are you reconsidering going back with this guy, knowing he has these issues? Remember these issues are preexisting. He has been this way long before you two met. You have pages and pages of women telling you that you need to move on, get out.

 

I'm reconsidering because he likes me. And I like him too. If he didn't care, I suppose he wouldn't say what he said on Friday, or wouldn't reply my messages today and call me. Like I said, before anything, I'll have a conversation with him. There are things about him that bothered me that I never mentioned to him and I suppose in every relationship we go, things that we don't like are going to happen, right? And to be fair, I didn't talk to him about what was wrong. It's not like I told him everything that was making me upset and then decided to break up; I just went straight ahead to finish everything, which I believe was a mistake and that's why I'd like to talk first and then decide whether I(we) should try again or not.

 

Not to mention I have to admit that I also hurt his feelings when I just decided to break up out of the blue (for him, it was like that) or when I told him to go away when I was crying and I didn't want him to be near me anymore, though I couldn't help but watch where he was going (he was in a bar with some friends before I break up). It killed me to see that he was right in front of the bar, with no reaction, just holding his mobile phone texting/calling a friend to come outside and after that he went home.

 

The only reasons why I'd like to try again is because we do like each other and he accepted to have a conversation before we jump into trying again. Maybe I'm blind right now, but I don't feel like I'm wasting my time and I still feel like it's worth another shot. I could be wrong, I could be making the wrong decision, but I'll try anyway. I'd rather try it now than maybe regret it in the future for not trying enough.

 

You know, I've been through 19 guys before him in 3 years. And I'm only counting the ones that lasted at least 4 dates. Most of them I preferred to walk away, because I couldn't feel anything special for them. About 4 of them I liked a lot, but guess what, they didn't like me back. That's life. Then he's the 20th guy and he's the only one that I really liked and liked me back (or at least that's how it seems). That's why I never settled with anyone before; never found anyone to make me feel like he does. I could, maybe I should, walk away and keep on trying. But for now I wanna try again with him. And if it doesn't work, lesson learnt. It's my first serious relationship after all.

[Omei]

Talking it out then is a good idea.

Just remember in the future before you dump unless your positive talk stuff out first.

 

You might find a new set of worry's with him because you left he will worry you'll do it again and you cant blame him for that insecurity, so just remember.

[Assasda]

whopa 20 guys.

 

Anyway, I'm curious. What prompted the break-up at that moment?

What was the straw that broke the camels back?

[smackie9]

There is more to a relationship than just liking them. He turned bad on you, and I tell you this you CANNOT fix it. 19 guys? you are just doing this out of desperation so you can say you didn't fail this time. You are setting yourself up for more failure. We are all speaking from experience, this is not a good situation for you. You need some self worth and know what is best for you not him. You asked all of us for our honest opinions, and you got it. I'm not sure why you are trying to talk yourself into seeing him again. Must be more than "liking" him. Sorry but I am starting to have my doubts about your level of "confidence". Dealing with a severly insecure guy like this is like playing with fire. You are going to get burned. I feel he is manipulating you, guilting you out to make you come back to him.....seems it is working. Well best of luck.

[Blade96]

a WEEK? Only?

 

He hasn't changed in just a week, Insecurity issues can take YEARS to work through emotions and learn how to cope. Not One. Week. You are going to get hurt again.

 

How do I know? Because I have them. Problems trusting people because I have a bad past and got hurt so many times. It's difficult for me to believe new people will not hurt me. I am mature though - I'm 36 - and just reserve judgment until I see what people are going to be like. That's how I have had a strong friendships with people for 14 years (both in real life and online, yes, I have on line friends where our friendship goes back to the days of dialup!)

 

I had trouble with my Belarusian online bf at first because I am a suspicious person by nature due to the past and I said everything to him. Even told him the truth about me being poor, and about how I have no money or a job (most university students and former students not like graduated like myself, are poor) But he did not leave me, he loves me and he stayed. And he is so good to me, I just decided to enjoy him for what it is. we haven't met yet (only on skype have we met seen each other and spoke) but I'll live in the moment and just enjoy it. Even my thread some time back about how to watch out for a visa catfish was based on my own fears rather than him because he has done nothing wrong. I got some good advice there though.

 

This guy does not sound mature enough to realize you are being good to him and to just enjoy it and get to know you and enjoy getting to know you. Neither is he mature enough to just be vulnerable and admit he has some problems with trust and tell you in a mature way so you can get through it together. You are mature. You'd help him if he was mature enough for that. Sounds like he isn't.

 

I don't trust this guy the way he is right now as far as I can throw him and I haven't even met or spoken to him. (yes I read your previous thread).

 

I decided to live by my own motto, which is, There's nothing to worry about til there's something to worry about. You've given him nothing to worry about so he should be mature enough to enjoy the relationship, admit he has some trust problems and as I said if he was mature enough you could work through it together.

Edited October 7, 2014 by Blade96

[Haerts]

Talking it out then is a good idea.

Just remember in the future before you dump unless your positive talk stuff out first.

 

You might find a new set of worry's with him because you left he will worry you'll do it again and you cant blame him for that insecurity, so just remember.

 

I know, like I said, it was a mistake of mine, which I already openly admitted to him, although I also made it clear to him that while it was a mistake, we still have to talk IF we want to try again.

 

whopa 20 guys.

 

Anyway, I'm curious. What prompted the break-up at that moment?

What was the straw that broke the camels back?

 

It was being difficult for me to deal with his insecurities, not to mention he's way too mysterious about everything, rarely open up and it makes me upset because I'm the complete opposite. I felt like he knows everything about me while he hides all he can from me. Then on Friday he was acting like he didn't care and I decided it was the end for me, so I broke up and I was okay with my decision, but he texted me an hour later saying that he didn't know what was wrong, he said he loves me and said he wanted me back, what made me realize he does care and that I should've had a convo with him before breaking up without giving reasons.

 

smackie9, while I know you've had experience about this subject and I was here asking for advice, I haven't ever gone through this before, as in, having a bf. I don't know how it works. He doesn't either. I'm really learning things from this and even if I get "burned", at least I'll have learned something. I have strenght enough inside myself to know that if things keep going bad or if it gets even worse, or say he wants to break up with me at some point and that leave me devastated, I'll have learned something. Something keeps pulling me back to him everytime I try to leave, it's like there has to be something else about our relationship that I need to go through, else I would've left him already just like I did with most of these 20 guys I was talking about.

 

For example, one of them I caught kissing another girl in a party he invited me to go with him. While I had feelings for him, I immediatly was done, while he still tried for a couple days to see me again. There was also this other one that use to want to see me sometimes during the week but when it came to weekends, he would go out with his friends and forget I exist. Also left him, even though I liked him. Took him 2 weeks to finally leave me alone. Most of them treated me like ****, and then came crawling back. This is kinda like his situation, except I still can't break up for good. Unlike the other guys, he's done good things for me too, that's why I think it's worth another shot. It may be bad for me, but I feel like I have to try and if it fails, well, it failed then. At least I can move on knowing I did what I had to do and I tried all I had to try. I'd rather go weeks upset for failing than being unsure whether I tried enough or not. I just don't think it's time to leave the boat yet.

 

Thanks everyone for your inputs. Once again, we're not back yet. We're still talking before anything. In case the talking doesn't go well, then I'm done. In case it does go well, I'll try again, even if it means I'll fail.

[smackie9]

I feel sorry for you if this is your first BF. It should be a wonderful experience but instead you got someone with horrible issues that turn abusive. You don't have the experience to handle someone like this and I fear you are only hurting yourself more, which will lead to sadness and hopelessness.

 

Making a clean break is a healthier choice. You need to learn that you shouldn't need "fix" someone. Since you have had bad experiences all around, this is a followed pattern that needs to be broken. You are choosing the wrong men. This guy is no different that the others you have dated. He still is treating you like crap.

[Gaeta]

You should not have issues after 1 month dating. It's not because you like someone and that someone likes you that you are a match for a good relationship. This man is dysfunctional on several points, you're already a victim of those dysfunctions, so why getting back with him? Is he the only man available to date in your town? If you have such a high esteem of yourself then why did you even spent 1 month seeing this man?

 

You are so young and already developing a negative pattern. You think his cligniness is synonym of feelings. It's not, give him a 100 girls to date and he'll do the same with them. Contrary to what you think he's not like this with you because you're 'special'. He is like this because he is emotionally immature.

[Blade96]

I agree with Gaeta. Having trust issues is something many people have, and it's only a bad thing if the people with them act as this guy does. Maybe people with trust issues are actually wonderful people. It's how this guy is handling it that makes him a red flag.