Boyfriend is really insecure? What can I do about it?

[Haerts]

We've been dating for a month and seeing each other for two. Lately things are not going very well for me, because his insecurity is making me feel insecure too. I'm very secure, I'm attractive and I don't really settle for anything less than what I deserve. With that said, I'm not afraid of being alone, but I am afraid that I'm spending time on the wrong person. I've been through a lot of ****, but I learned to grow from these bad experiences and every now and then I allow myself to meet someone new.

 

The thing is, he's been making things that are making me question whether I want to stay in this relationship or not. I'm confused 'cause it's my first one, but it sounds so wrong that we haven't been dating for long and I already thought about breaking up a hundred times.

 

He's insecure about his appearance. He's insecure in bed. He's insecure about our relationship, he says he's afraid that I'll want to ditch him for someone else, or cheat on him, and stuff like that. He doesn't open up a lot, what only shows more insecurity - he says he doesn't open up because that means he would show weakness, and no one should show weakness ever. That's SO STUPID. I mean, we're a couple, right? Shouldn't we know about each other so we can also help each other? Still I respect he doesn't want to open up, I try to make him the most secure possible, I do cute things for him the entire week, I send him snapchats of what I'm doing, I like drawing so I've made a few drawings of him and of us, sometimes I put a paper inside his bag or pocket with a heart, so he can see it when he's not near. I do whatever I can to show him that I'm really liking him.

 

The biggest problem here is that his insecurity is making me insecure too. He's been talking about a friend a lot lately, which I never heard of. And he does it in a way like he wants me to be jealous about it. Saying that he learned things from B, asked where I got something I have because he took a picture, B saw it and wants one. And he actually succeeds on it. But I'm not one for holding what's making me feel bad so I asked who B was and he said it's a mate he's doing a college project with. I told him that I was jealous and I really disliked what he did, and he said sorry, that wasn't his intention and he will try to stop it. This only made me realize that he was, indeed, trying to make me jealous - according to his behaviour, I was expecting him to be really angry and not to apologize. I mean, come on, we don't often talk during the week 'cause he's not much into texting and this week 2 of the 4 times he texted me was to say something about B? Really? I don't think he's cheating on me, 'cause if that was the case, I suppose he wouldn't be that dumb to let me know there's a third person. It really does seem like he wants me to feel insecure too and to be quite honest, it's driving me away.

 

Now I'm confused because I want to tell him all of this. I want him to know that things he's been doing are making me feel insecure and is making me want to break up. But I'm afraid when I do it, he'll say we should break up, instead of trying to work on it. I don't think he will, but he's too proud, I can picture him saying coldly "okay then" like he doesn't care. But I know he does.

 

Have you been through similar? What did you do? I'm really confused here, I don't know if I should keep trying or if I'm wasting my time and energy on someone broken. Once I read "be careful when trying to fix a broken person, for you may cut yourself, on their shattered pieces". Starting to think this is the case.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Haerts

[beach]

I'm wondering why you feel responsible for how he feels?

[Haerts]

It's not like I feel responsible, but I really enjoy seeing the people I like happy and that goes for everyone, be it a boyfriend, a friend, my family... I know that everyone goes through bad moments in their lives and if I'm capable of making them feel better, I'll do it. Heck, I can't even see a stranger crying that I have to go there and see if I can do something to make them feel better. It's just how I am.

[xxmusical]

You both need better communication if you both want to make this relationship work. He needs to stop playing mind games and needs to open up with you, and you need to tell him everything you wrote in your post. What's the point of being in a relationship if both persons make the other feel bad about themselves?

[Assasda]

Girl, the story is sad.

He sounds manipulative and WEAK.

And the story that you told, shows just how insecure he is.

 

You really have to consider leaving him, IMO

You dont want that type of guy in your life, for the future.

You need a guy that will let YOU be a better person, and not bring you down.

 

If he is that insecure, he should work on himself, or you really should cut ties

[GemmaUK]

Having dated a man who I discovered was very insecure I would get out.

 

It was a stressful ride and he was very needy,manipulative and became controlling and emotionally abusive.

I was in trouble for something or other at least once a week and it was always something ridiculous.

[ExpatInItaly]

Having dated a man who I discovered was very insecure I would get out.

It was a stressful ride and he was very needy,manipulative and became controlling and emotionally abusive.

I was in trouble for something or other at least once a week and it was always something ridiculous.

 

Yup, and all of the above. Been there too. OP, you are in for a very difficult relationship. I can't stress enough the importance of stepping back until and unless he works on his own issues. You can't fix it; I can promise he will always find something else to come down on you for. These are the red flags of a toxic relationship. Doing cute things and reassuring him will never be enough.

[Diezel]

Sounds like the only reason you might be with him is to "fix him". It's not going to happen. Get out before you live the rest of your life like this.

[Haerts]

Yeah, I've been considering leaving him for a while now, since our first fight, which was stupid (I'm still quite unsure why he got upset and questioned our "relationship" just because I was seeing someone 10 days before meeting him).

 

Sometimes I wonder if he really likes me too. When a beautiful woman pass by, he never hesistates to say they are beautiful. Sometimes he even flirts, right in front of me. That makes me question whether he really cares or not. I know he will find other woman attractive, I think other guys are attractive too, and I suppose that won't ever change no matter how great your relationship is. But I don't need to hear/see that. He should at least respect me I suppose.

 

I don't know anything anymore, I don't know if his insecurities are ruining everything or if he's with me just because he hasn't found anyone else. Regardless of what it is, it's not a good thing so I suppose I should really breakup.

[almond]

You've only been together for four weeks, and it is blatantly obvious that you two are incompatible at the very least.

 

Continuing with this would be foolish. End it and find someone who makes you feel cared for and respected.

[Gaeta]

 

I'm very secure, I'm attractive and I don't really settle for anything less than what I deserve. With that said, I'm not afraid of being alone, but I am afraid that I'm spending time on the wrong person. I've been through a lot of ****,

 

You know you are wasting your time on the wrong person. Making you feel jealous on purpose !? He is already manipulative after 1 month dating. If you are secure and who you are and in what you deserve, this relationship ends here.

[d0nnivain]

I dated a guy like that. I couldn't take it. I ended up saying to him

 

Look I like you. However, your most unattractive quality is this constant insecurity. Cut it out. If you can't believe in yourself at least believe I have good taste & I would not be with you if I didn't think you were a quality guy who I find sexy. But I'

m

warning you now, if you don't knock it off your predictions will come true because I can't take much more of this.

 

He stopped but then he became jealous & paranoid. After a few more months of that I broke up with him saying

 

I didn't do any of the things you are accusing me of doing but if I'

m

gonna get in trouble for them, I might as well have the freedom to do them.

 

A few weeks later he came to me amazed that I hadn't started dating this other guy, who was the main source of our fights. I reminded him that the other guy & I didn't like each other & that all of his accusations were figments of his imagination. He apologized & asked if we could get back together. I literally laughed in his face.

[LoneIsland]

I think his insecurity comes from your insecurity. As you aimed lower than you should have, you ended up with a guy who has no confidence you will stick around, or no confidence being able to beat off other guys who will make attempts on you.

 

Move on and aim higher for the next guy.

Edited October 3, 2014 by LoneIsland

[Haerts]

You've only been together for four weeks, and it is blatantly obvious that you two are incompatible at the very least. Continuing with this would be foolish. End it and find someone who makes you feel cared for and respected.

 

I will probably do it today, though I really need to talk about it with him and depending on how things go, I may give it another try... it would be an ultimatum. I'm nervous and sad, but I really can't continue something that is not going well. I think he's amazing and would be a great friend, but that's not how we started so I supposed it's really time to move on. Hating it, I'm 24 and he's my first boyfriend. After years and years going through many jerks, when I finally thought I found someone, turns out he's just another jerk. Hard to keep trying.

 

You know you are wasting your time on the wrong person. Making you feel jealous on purpose !? He is already manipulative after 1 month dating. If you are secure and who you are and in what you deserve, this relationship ends here.

 

Yeah, deep inside I know. He has qualities too and that's what made me stick with him for this long. I thought that maybe with time things would get better, but I can only see it getting worse.

 

I think his insecurity comes from your insecurity. As you aimed lower than you should have, you ended up with a guy who has no confidence you will stick around, or no confidence being able to beat off other guys who will make attempts on you.

 

Move on and aim higher for the next guy.

 

Yeah, that's how he acts and well I really do like him and I trust him. I suppose that's the main thing a relationship should be based off. He doesn't trust me and thinks I'll cheat on him sometime soon. He's also said that "it's okay, I'm already expecting you cheating on me". Like, really? And as I can see it, he's exactly trying to make me think that I think he will or is cheating on me, because he wants to drag me down and make me feel the way he feels. Good thing is I tend to remove anything that's bad for me from my life, so the only thing he's accomplishing with that behaviour is a breakup. Glad I'm not the only one that thinks this way.

 

And d0nnivain, I'd really like to try once again, have a serious talk with him and see how it would go. Idk, even after all of this, I still can't just break up. There are good things after all, which are what keeps making me wanting to stay. He praises me a lot, we have fun when we're together, our weekends are always 95% of the time really great 'cause we care about what each other wants to do. Oh well. This is hard.

[Gaeta]

Haerts: Some people have great qualities that make them good friends in general but it does not mean they are good relationship material.

 

I will always remember this blind-date my sister-in-law set up for me. She could not stop talking about how great this guy was!! Nice, you could always count on him, generous of his time, etc. It took me ONE date with him to figure out he was not relationship material. He hated his job, he hated his apartment, he hated the extra weight he had on, he proud himself of only eating frozen pizza and playing poker with the guys 4 nights a week. I am sure he was a great friend jumping up and down to give a hand to others but he was far far far from being boyfriend material.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Gaeta

[writergal]

OP, you're 24. You have your whole life ahead of you to date other men who you are more compatible with. You tried with this guy but he wasn't the right one. Moving forward, check for compatibility this way:

 

Does he appreciate you and focus on your good qualities?

Or does he undermine your self esteem with criticism?

 

Does he know what makes you happy?

Or does he expect you to cheer yourself up after a bad day/death in the family/job loss, etc?

 

Does he handle difficult situations with maturity? Does he go with the flow?

Or does he blame you for everything?

 

Does he handle disagreements calmly?

Or does he constantly argue with you and butt heads with you?

 

Are you comfortable being yourself around him?

Or does he constantly nitpick on your appearance, make fun of your hobbies, and make you scared to let your guard down to be yourself?

 

Does he support you when you need help?

Or does he leave you hanging out to dry, alone to deal with problems that come your way?

 

Do you share your life's priorities and your values with each other?

Or does he have totally different priorities and values than you do?

 

Is he willing to work on his own baggage?

Or does he blame the world for his problems and see himself as the perpetual victim? Or does he expect YOU to solve his problems for him because he doesn't want to be responsible for his choices?

[Haerts]

Here are my answers.

 

OP, you're 24. You have your whole life ahead of you to date other men who you are more compatible with. You tried with this guy but he wasn't the right one. Moving forward, check for compatibility this way:

 

Does he appreciate you and focus on your good qualities?

Or does he undermine your self esteem with criticism?

He does. Even though he mentions other woman are beautiful, he also says I'm really beautiful, sexy and hot. Every now and then he says I'm the best and an amazing person, especially for understanding his insecurities.

 

Does he know what makes you happy?

Or does he expect you to cheer yourself up after a bad day/death in the family/job loss, etc?

 

This is something I'm unsure of. I mean, recently I've had big family problems. I live in another state and my whole family is still in my hometown. Lately there's been a problem with my oldest sister (she's in depression, tried to kill herself and also does crazy stuff for attention -she tried to jump out of the car in movement-. My mom saw all of that happening and got very sick, she called me crying, saying what happened and that made me cry too, made me want to leave everything here behind and go back to my hometown. I told him about it and he said he was with me, that he would do whatever he could to make me feel well... said he would even travel with me to my hometown if I needed to spend sometime with my family. We don't usually communicate too much during the week, except a few texts and calls sometimes (there are days we get to see each other too). When I don't text him, he texts me.

 

Does he handle difficult situations with maturity? Does he go with the flow?

Or does he blame you for everything?

 

He doesn't realize too much what makes me happy and what doesn't, but when something goes bad, he gets mad but at the end we always find a way to be okay again, then he says he loves me. He don't usually blame me; he actually tries to improve himself. Like I said about "B" on the first post, when I told him I was jealous, he told me who that was and apologised for making me feel jealous.

 

Does he handle disagreements calmly?

Or does he constantly argue with you and butt heads with you?

The only disagreements we have are about him talking too much about other girls or staring at them. Last time it happened it was horrible though, he got really angry because he said I wasn't trusting him. Sometimes I think he does that on purpose, to see me jealous. But sometimes maybe I've seeing things that doesn't exist? Can't blame him for everything. Wouldn't happen if he stopped doing that though.

Are you comfortable being yourself around him?

Or does he constantly nitpick on your appearance, make fun of your hobbies, and make you scared to let your guard down to be yourself?

 

Yes, I am. He praises me when I'm dressed well, says he liked this and that, that I'm looking great and stuff like that. And he likes the way I am, according to him. He says he loves that I'm so full of myself, so secure and so mature.

 

Does he support you when you need help?

Or does he leave you hanging out to dry, alone to deal with problems that come your way?

 

Yes, he does help me.

 

Do you share your life's priorities and your values with each other?

Or does he have totally different priorities and values than you do?

 

Yes, we do that too and we're okay about that. He talks about long term compromises, the way he talks it looks like he wants me to stay in his life for a long while, 'cause he really likes me. We've done a few long term plans, he wants to go with me to my hometown next time I go 'cause he wants to meet my family, all his friends knows about us and he has even mentioned things about living together. Obviously it's not a plan for us now, but I suppose it would be if everything went well.

Is he willing to work on his own baggage?

Or does he blame the world for his problems and see himself as the perpetual victim? Or does he expect YOU to solve his problems for him because he doesn't want to be responsible for his choices?

This is where the problems appear. He's way too insecure. It's not like he wants me to solve his problemas, but it feels like he's always trying to find a way to make me jealous/insecure just so he can feel better about his insecurities or at least that's how I see it. He doesn't open up with me and when he does, he only says a few things then stops. Like I said, he also mentioned that no one should ever show weaknesses, 'cause that leaves you vulnerable. He has them, everyone does, but he just doesn't want me to know. And he said once "if you knew everything that runs through my mind about us, you'd think I'm crazy". I said I'd like to know, that that would make me happy to know that he trusts me to tell these things. He didn't tell me anything though.

 

As you can see, he has nice qualities too. But his insecurity is killing me.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Haerts

[writergal]

His insecurity makes him incompatible with you, because it creates so many problems in the relationship.

 

Don't confuse his insecurity with vulnerability either. Those are two very different things. Insecurity stems from low self-esteem, anger, jealousy, mistrust. Insecurity implies weakness in the person who is closed off from BEING vulnerable because they are too afraid.

 

On the other hand, vulnerability comes from integrity, good self-self esteem, and stems from the ability to take a risk and handle negative outcomes well.

 

People who can be vulnerable with you, are the people who have an inner strength that insecure people lack, because they have done the work (i.e. address their insecurities and do what's needed to resolve them). Insecure people feed off of other people's vulnerabilities like leeches, because they think they can get the validation they need from an outside source (the person they are in a relationship with).

 

That's why you've taken on your boyfriend's insecurities as your own, when you start to question your own value and question why he flirts with other women to make you jealous. And that is why your boyfriend is not compatible with you. He's unwilling to address his own insecurities and do the work he needs to do, to resolve them, so that he doesn't target practice on you, his girlfriend which ruins your self esteem and feelings of self worth as a result.

[GemmaUK]

Flippin' 'eck! You are dating my last ex!!!

 

My answers would have pretty much been spot on as yours were there.

The only thing different was that he would talk to female friends a lot about ur RS - these were mutual friends. Or...at least...that is what he told me...I have since discovered he didn't.

I'm still friends with these women, he isn't.

 

My RS began going downhill at about 1.5- 2 months...when I really started noticing wierdness. He got in a huge strop about a work event which I had actually declined (it's a pretty much compulsory yearly event with a seminar, team building games and a dinner dance in the evening. It's no partners.

He told me that if I ever went to it he would find out where it was and turn up in the evening so that I didn't 'sh*g' my male colleagues!!!!

WTF!!!???

I was at this time a 43 year old (now 45) woman, well respected within the company and have been to 5 of these events. The worst thing I ever did was stay up chatting with the MD and one of the women from another branch til 4am!

He clearly didn't respect me enough to be aware I had a choice. Twit!

 

We had plans for Christmas and I should have just cancelled it all but felt bad and hoped he would be normal again.

He never was.

 

I tried to end it before New Year.

He - the manipulator - talked me around and gave me a bit of space finally.

 

By April I had had enough of his behaviour.

I ended it by text so that no talking around could be done.

 

He had a strop with me a few weeks later as I apparently told mutuals that I was single again 'too soon'.

 

It was only a further 5 months of hassle from him before all ties were totally cut.

 

Such a relief!!!!

 

If you really want to talk to him I would try what Donnivain said.

See if he tries to talk you around....beware though.

 

His flirtations are just to get a reaction from you. He will do it more often if you give no reaction.

[GemmaUK]

His insecurity makes him incompatible with you, because it creates so many problems in the relationship.

 

Don't confuse his insecurity with vulnerability either. Those are two very different things. Insecurity stems from low self-esteem, anger, jealousy, mistrust. Insecurity implies weakness in the person who is closed off from BEING vulnerable because they are too afraid.

 

On the other hand, vulnerability comes from integrity, good self-self esteem, and stems from the ability to take a risk and handle negative outcomes well.

 

People who can be vulnerable with you, are the people who have an inner strength that insecure people lack, because they have done the work (i.e. address their insecurities and do what's needed to resolve them). Insecure people feed off of other people's vulnerabilities like leeches, because they think they can get the validation they need from an outside source (the person they are in a relationship with).

 

That's why you've taken on your boyfriend's insecurities as your own, when you start to question your own value and question why he flirts with other women to make you jealous. And that is why your boyfriend is not compatible with you. He's unwilling to address his own insecurities and do the work he needs to do, to resolve them, so that he doesn't target practice on you, his girlfriend which ruins your self esteem and feelings of self worth as a result.

 

Great post WG!

 

I have never thought of it that way but you are spot on!

[writergal]

Thanks GemmaUK! It took me a long time and a lot of failed relationships with men, to realize there's a cause and effect with insecurity and vulnerability between two people and to make the distinction between the two; since it's easy to assume that insecurity and vulnerability are the same, when they are not.

 

You'll notice that insecure people are never emotionally vulnerable. They just aren't capable of it. If you ask them a personal question, they'll deflect with a vague answer (self-protection motivated by fear of rejection).

 

People who lie to and manipulate you, do so out of insecurity. People who are emotionally unavailable are also insecure. And...they can feign vulnerability very easily because they are manipulative.

 

I think insecurity in general is toxic to the health and longevity of a romantic relationship, when it isn't addressed or managed by the person who feels insecure.

 

If one person has unresolved issues, they'll just take it out on the person they're dating, instead of dealing with those insecurities themselves (which is their responsibility to do anyway).

 

Great post WG!

 

I have never thought of it that way but you are spot on!

Edited October 3, 2014 by writergal

[Crila16]

Wow...it's only been a month and you're already unhappy. Doesn't sound very promising. You already have to have a "talk" with him...after only a month? This should be the in love, honeymoon easy phase. Sounds like a lot of work to try to make something that's not working, work.

 

I'm also sorry your guy is insecure, but that's not your problem. He's not bringing out the best in you, and he's making you feel insecure. It's called manipulation. I'd get out, before you end up becoming the one who ends up being the ball of weak and insecure mush. Find someone you're actually on the same page with. This guy doesn't sound like a keeper.

[Haerts]

Thank you a lot for your support, guys. I'm really looking forward seeing him as soon as possible, because it's really not making me feel well. And I know that if I just pretend nothing is happening, the weekend will probably be good but during the week the same things will start flooding my head again.

 

It's getting to the point where I don't even feel happy doing things for him anymore. He gave me a notebook with blank covers because he wanted me to draw something for him. I know some of the things he likes and found out some more, just so I could make it really special for him. And also included a saying that's special for us. Right after I finished drawing it, what took hours and hours, he sent me a text about "B" - he knew I was working on it, 'cause I sent him a quick snapchat with part of the work, to make him curious to see everything. That was the worst I've felt in this relationship. While I was doing my best to do something he would be proud of and happy about, he was again playing his games with me. I immediatly wanted to burn that notebook and I just couldn't keep talking to him - and he noticed it.

 

We haven't talked today, but I hope tonight we can meet. I don't want to go another day thinking about this. I'm really upset and just want to get this weight out of my shoulders.

 

Once again, thanks everyone for your responses. Makes me sad that it took me so long to finally start dating someone and when I did, turns out he's not a keeper. Oh well.

[Crila16]

@Haertz...and this is after only a month? Imagine how it would be after 1 year...10 years...20 years.

 

I think you have your answer.

[CharlieFox]

Seriously, you deserve better. You shouldn't feel bad about yourself and in no way should you let his insecurities get to you and in turn make you insecure. You sound like an amazing girl, I would kill to have a person next to me who will do those kinds of things for me, and I am sure there is someone for you out there who will appreciate you and value you and treat you the way you deserve.