Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky- I think that he's happy. I'm the one who isn't. He seems satisfied with the way our relationship is. Of course, he wants more sex, but otherwise he seems satisfied.

I'm sitting at home now, it's almost 10 pm and my husband is out at a happy hour with his work friends. This is the third night this week that he's been out late drinking/at bars, etc. with coworkers for various events. I usually plan on eating dinner alone.. again. We haven't had sex in probably.. a month?

 

I think you're both in denial. Happily married men don't regularly hang out late in bars while their wife sits at home. And they don't go a month without sex.

 

In the very least, your H is conflict avoidant (I'll let others speculate on what he's actually doing in the bars). And since all you've done in the 6 weeks since you first posted is make some unreturned phone calls, you seem similarly disposed.

 

Someone has to be brave and take the first step to fix this. Do you want to be posting the same thing 6 years - or 60 years - from now?

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited December 12, 2014 by Mr. Lucky

[Turtles]

I decided to re-visit this thread... we've actually taken the step to call some therapists, but no one has gotten back to us yet. At least there's that.

 

I'm sitting at home now, it's almost 10 pm and my husband is out at a happy hour with his work friends. This is the third night this week that he's been out late drinking/at bars, etc. with coworkers for various events. I usually plan on eating dinner alone.. again. We haven't had sex in probably.. a month? Our frequency has actually gotten even less than the last time I posted here. I didn't think things could get worse, but they have. Luckily, we aren't arguing everyday, but our sexual frequency has decreased. I feel like being married is exhausting sometimes.. Sorry, I'm just venting. I wish I knew how to make things better. I guess that's why I post on here and I'm trying to get help for us. When I think about our situation, I feel really depressed. I know we love each other, but I just don't think we are happy.. all the commuting, long days, VERY short weekends, lack of sex.. almost constant arguing (probably because of the lack of intimacy). Everything is all messed up. We are still "newlyweds" but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm living the life of a 50 year old, and I'm only 29. I don't know what to do anymore, I guess.

 

I know what you mean, most days I feel marriage is a lot more work than it's worth. If we did not have the kid I would be better off alone. I thought being married would be a lot more adventures and not so much sitting on the couch watching tv together but this is about the only thing we do together anymore. And sex 2/3 times a month. I am not unhappy, I have plenty of other stuff going on in my life, but I guess I've pretty much written off the romantic part as a loss already. The part of your post about living the life of a 50 year old struck me because that is exactly what I feel like (for the romantic side of my life, anyway).

 

I think you still have a chance but you need to take charge and not just wait for a miracle to happen.

[NateGrey]

OP, you realize you said you don't see yourself being married to this guy your entire life, right? You realize you did NOT say that you don't see yourself being with him forever "if we can't fix our problems" or anything like that. You just kinda sorta flat out said you don't see it.

[Samara11]

Mr. Lucky, thank you for clarifying that happily married men aren't settling for sex once/month and going out to bars while their wives sit at home alone. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. He was at a goodbye party for one of his coworkers who is leaving the job, so at least it was a specific event. But his work also has a lot of "bar nights" and "dinners" during the week. He works an hour from where we live, so I rarely join because I'm too tired after my long workday to drive that far.. So, yes, I don't know what he's doing, but I have to trust him.

 

Turtles, I'm sorry you are feeling the same as I am... You really hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that you had thought marriage would be more adventurous.. So did I! We had an amazing honeymoon, backpacking through the Greek islands, and I always thought of my husband as one of those "up for anything" kinds of people, so I had hoped that our marriage would be fun and exciting.. Instead, I feel like we spend all of our time working, commuting, AND watching movies/TV. Weekends are spent primarily eating/watching TV because he's "too tired" to do much else. We don't have any spontaneity or adventure AT ALL as a couple. It actually makes me feel very sad. When you sign up for a life partner, you hope that you can live an exciting, lovable life together. I'm just feeling so frustrated and hopeless lately.... As I said, i'm the one working on the therapy part. I actually considered going to therapy on my own first, and then bringing him into it later.. what do you all think of that idea?

 

I know we need help.. I'm not denying it anymore. I'm just scared of what will happen when we get help.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know we need help.. I'm not denying it anymore. I'm just scared of what will happen when we get help.

You'll make the steps necessary when you're more scared of what will happen if you don't get help. Doesn't sound like much of a life for two successful young people who should be in their prime. Those years are precious, I wouldn't waste any more of them. And get him in the right forum, I'll bet your H will admit he's just as unhappy with the status quo as you are...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited December 13, 2014 by Mr. Lucky

[Turtles]

As I said, i'm the one working on the therapy part. I actually considered going to therapy on my own first, and then bringing him into it later.. what do you all think of that idea?

 

That is what I did and it helped a lot.

[RomanticLover03]

If you are on here seeking help and guidance then there is hope!

 

I would say to you, don't throw in the towel just yet. If there is a spark of love still present, then its worth fighting for. I would suggest doing some self reflection. Really take some time to look at yourself and your feelings. Ask yourself, -"what would I do if I were my husband, to have him fall desperately in love with me again?" Then you start to do those things for him. Treat him the way that you want to be treated and do it with confidence. Get rid of expectations of him and start to focus on you. Start to embrace and love who you are. A man can sense an insecure woman a mile away. This insecurity causes them to become less interested and engaged.

 

Really take some time to love you! Your right, sex and money can be obstacles in any marriage or relationship, but do not allow those issues to destroy the love between the two of you.

 

Take your focus off of him and your problems and put the focus on you! Self reflect and then do the very things to him that you would love for him to do for and to you. If you continue this he will reciprocate.

 

Also check this link out to my free e-book on more advice on dating! https://giftedent.leadpages.net/dream-date/

 

Good Luck!

[RomanticLover03]

If you are on here seeking help and guidance then there is hope!

 

I would say to you, don't throw in the towel just yet. If there is a spark of love still present, then its worth fighting for. I would suggest doing some self reflection. Really take some time to look at yourself and your feelings. Ask yourself, -"what would I do if I were my husband, to have him fall desperately in love with me again?" Then you start to do those things for him. Treat him the way that you want to be treated and do it with confidence. Get rid of expectations of him and start to focus on you. Start to embrace and love who you are. A man can sense an insecure woman a mile away. This insecurity causes them to become less interested and engaged.

 

Really take some time to love you! Your right, sex and money can be obstacles in any marriage or relationship, but do not allow those issues to destroy the love between the two of you.

 

Take your focus off of him and your problems and put the focus on you! Self reflect and then do the very things to him that you would love for him to do for and to you. If you continue this he will reciprocate.

 

Also check this link out to my free e-book on more advice on dating! https://giftedent.leadpages.net/dream-date/

 

Good Luck!

[jackslife]

You are both unhappy in the marriage, but haven't had counselling yet bearing in mind you are in the same place you were a year ago.

 

The thing is, MC is bloody scary. In my opinion you haven't gone yet because of where it could lead. To sit in a room and have to be honest with each other when you no longer communicate about the marriage is a scary thing to do. Ultimately one of you may utter the awful, sad line "I love you, but I am not in love with you" and where do you go from there?

 

People can be unhappy in marriages for many, many years often their entire lives. The main reasons people stay are children, money and fear or an unknown future. The thing is if one of you was truly awful, or cruel then divorce seems okay. But when two basically good, decent people are unhappy but not screaming, having affairs or beating the crap out of one another it is so much more difficult.

 

The way you are feeling will not decrease with time. You and your husband need to have counselling together to get this sorted. A therapist will help you talk and reconnect and face up to the problems you have to sort them together. it's important you do this sooner rather than later. Your H has already said he wants more sex, he can probably sense you are unhappy, he is miserable himself so stays out more. it will be so much easier to face counselling without the added impact of an affair, which is a real possibility here.

 

As I said, counselling can be scary for conflict avoidant people, especially if one or both thinks that it may lead to divorce. But the sooner you face your problems the better the chances that they will be resolved.