He told his wife, now what?

[MaryElizabeth]

Yes, sleeping with somebody else is black and white but not the feelings that go along with having committed adultery. What's your longest relationship? 24 years isn't easy.

[goodyblue]

You sound like an OW.

 

I was one once. What is your point? My view is jaded by that fact just like yours is. Difference is I am not trying to guilt her into doing what "I" think is right. She needs to weigh her options.

[DKT3]

Yes, sleeping with somebody else is black and white but not the feelings that go along with having committed adultery. What's your longest relationship? 24 years isn't easy.

 

I've been with her since I was 17 years old she also cheated. I can honestly say the sex isn't why I divorced her, it was for the things she did after many of the things your doing now.

 

This "feelings" is crap you have seen this guy in a decade your words. You simply wanted to have sex with another man, again I don't believe it was your first time, just the first time your at risk of being caught.

 

My ex and I are back together expecting our third child in a few months and "SHE" is planning our second wedding. None of this would be possible without trust. We were apart 5 years and didn't talk for 2 unless it was about the kids.

 

Its scary to be honest but your situation is messy and 100% out of your control. All you control at this point is who tells your husband. Thing is most BS at some point wants to tell the other BS. She will get there, I promise you that and her husband will be right at her side. All you have is beating them to it.

[jellybean89]

I am saying that someone who has been betrayed has a different viewpoint than someone who had an indescretion. And you in particular think you have the answers to everything when you simply do not.

 

I also never said it was not wrong to cheat. I was saying the fact that your husband cheated on you colors your view of how things should be handled.

 

Again, you are inaccurate. I do not have the answers to everything, just as you don't. I expressed my view..I didn't make blanket statements.

 

As for what I bolded, AGAIN, your assumption of a "fact" is inaccurate. I do not have a husband, never have. You have no idea of MY life - whether I am MALE or female, gay or straight, polygamous or monogamous so please stop making assumptions and claiming them as fact. You are making yourself look ridiculous with all these inaccuracies of MY life.

 

In regards to telling, I did not tell my ex husband I cheated. I was already planning on divorcing so this was the final catalyst to do so. I left a few weeks later. Because we were divorcing, with neither party awarded anything that the affair would have impacted (finances, children, etc) , I chose not to tell him. So that is hanging out there for me.

 

We did have an amicable divorce and he is happily remarried with a child. I did not want to add insult to injury BUT I am fully aware that he may find out someday and will plan to answer any questions he may have. So for my situation I rolled the dice and played "God" with the information.

 

I completely agree with your decision because, per your words, your decision to divorce wasn't based on an affair. You had already made the decision to divorce and that was, in my view, the right way to handle your situation with regards to your ex H. Additionally, your posts on LS have always struck me as you owning your stuff and not blame shifting or justifications. I think that is why you are respected at LS because of how you have conducted yourself with the past behavior.

 

OP, I also agree with Gotit in regards to seeking answers as to why you chose to sleep with the MM. Since you don't mention leaving your marriage, in my view, you need to dig deep and find out why you did what you did and how you can "affair proof" your relationship with your H going forward.

[whichwayisup]

It was definitely consensual. I was drinking with him because it was a reunion of sorts with a bunch of old friends. I live out of state. He had a get together at his beach house and I was staying on the beach. When it was time to go, I was getting a ride and he said he wanted to keep on talking so he would walk me back to my cottage. Then he came in. He called me the next day to see how I was and we said we would never tell anyone about what happened. Wished each other well and that was it. Yes, I have looked him up in social media but no messaging or anything like that.

I do thank those of you who can try to see my side. Nothing in this world is black and white. I feel for those and their SO who view the world this way. Sometimes things DO just happen and are not planned. It doesn't make them right but have you never been caught up in a moment and made the wrong choice? Maybe you haven't been in this situation but I'm sure you have not always, without fail made perfect choices.

 

This is a very honest reply. With that said, why not take it a step further and tell your husband exactly what you said here to him. you two have been married a long time so there's a good chance he may give you that chance to make it right again. A long history and kids, that's a lot to throw away without trying to fix things.

[OWAmy]

Thank you GotIt and I am going to do some work and see someone. I know I have some deep issues regarding self worth and sex.i don't want to destroy my family because of those issues.

 

MaryElizabeth, there are a lot of people who have deep issues on LoveShack whatever they are in the equation.

 

I really feel for you given some of the very aggressive replies you have received on this thread and I do hope this doesn't discourage you from posting in the future whatever you decide to do. A plus is that in the outside world you wouldn't get quite as many emotional responses. I think I like that about LoveShack even if I am not in agreement with what is sometimes said. At least people can be bothered on here!

 

It looks like everyone is in agreement that cheating, in any capacity, is not good. In the grand scheme of things though - surely some things have to be seen as worse: a series of long term affairs is surely worse than one long term affair? many one night stands more punishable offence than one?; an affair worse than a one night stand?

 

I understand you when you say it is not black and white. Life does NOT have a rule book that we all follow. These are peoples opinions that you are hearing on here. They are not facts of life.

 

A real sticking point is the honesty factor though. In an ideal world, surely we would all never lie about anything. But in the real world there are sometimes lies that are justifiable, that spare people's feelings. I think it is going to be really hard for you not to want to tell your husband if the worry and stress that this is causing you continues. Waiting to be found out can be far harder to deal with than outing yourself.

 

x

[goodyblue]

Again, you are inaccurate. I do not have the answers to everything, just as you don't. I expressed my view..I didn't make blanket statements.

 

As for what I bolded, AGAIN, your assumption of a "fact" is inaccurate. I do not have a husband, never have. You have no idea of MY life - whether I am MALE or female, gay or straight, polygamous or monogamous so please stop making assumptions and claiming them as fact. You are making yourself look ridiculous with all these inaccuracies of MY life.

 

 

 

I completely agree with your decision because, per your words, your decision to divorce wasn't based on an affair. You had already made the decision to divorce and that was, in my view, the right way to handle your situation with regards to your ex H. Additionally, your posts on LS have always struck me as you owning your stuff and not blame shifting or justifications. I think that is why you are respected at LS because of how you have conducted yourself with the past behavior.

 

OP, I also agree with Gotit in regards to seeking answers as to why you chose to sleep with the MM. Since you don't mention leaving your marriage, in my view, you need to dig deep and find out why you did what you did and how you can "affair proof" your relationship with your H going forward.

 

 

Okay. Because your gay/straight husband/wife/partner cheated on you, you are jaded in your responses. You guilt the OP. Don't believe me? No problem. But she needs to make her own decision and not be rash.

 

I also agree with Got it.

 

Hang in there OP.

[whichwayisup]

Makes no sense for OP to tell her husband and possibly break up the marriage over an indiscretion she barely remembers.

 

She doesn't 'barely' remember it. She didn't pass out and black out what happened. They both made a real dumb choice to hang out together while drunk, alone. It was asking for trouble and they both put themselves in a tempting situation due to conversations that crossed the line. They got personal and brought up the past, admitting feelings etc.. That fueled the fire, throw in the booze, well, it's a disaster waiting to happen.

 

"The reason he told his wife is he is in love with her and made a bad choice by sleeping with you. Unlike you he has enough respect for his wife to man up and tell her the horrible thing he has done."

 

Pretty typical take to blame the woman. We are in completely different situations..he's been marries a couple years, no kids, a doctor( financially secure) I have been with my h for over 20 years, SAHM and young children. I made a mistake by sleeping with him, too. Yet, vilify me. The OM and I have known each other for 20 years with past feelings. It wasn't some stranger in a bar. That's what I mean by thing are not black and white all the time.

 

Neither of you are any better or worse than the other. Fact is, you both have a lot to lose. You both are to blame, 50-50.

 

Bolded, and that's where it gets tricky. Because you had, or still have feelings for him, it complicates it more.

[whichwayisup]

I was saying that in response to why I don't want to tell and maybe why it was safer for him to come clean yo his wife. I'm not sure why I did it. I didn't keep him as an option all these years. Haven't seen or been in touch with him in a decade but we started talking about our old feelings. I need therapy. Point blank. My husband and I have many issues, together and personally.

 

You both should go to marriage counseling. Go together and separately but use the same therapist for both.

[DKT3]

Okay. Because your gay/straight husband/wife/partner cheated on you, you are jaded in your responses. You guilt the OP. Don't believe me? No problem. But she needs to make her own decision and not be rash.

 

I also agree with Got it.

 

Hang in there OP.

 

You can't guilt the guilt free. Let's be clear, not telling isn't for her husbands sake. If it was her main concern wouldn't be money. She fears for herself, if she was truly that concerned about her husband she would have stayed a faithful wife.

 

When lovin started posting here she was blasted, she cried about some of the things that were said to and about her. It was hard for me to read and I would jump in and protect her. She then told me what she was reading was like her conscience wrote it. It was things she thought about herself. Point being Mary knows the right thing to do, she knows her only choice is to tell, yet she fears the outcome. If she didn't know what the right thing to do was she wouldn't be having this much trouble. We have seen many WS's here that never intends on confessing and they don't struggle with that choice.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but I just have the feeling she is a repeat cheater and that once she or the other BS opens the gate all hell will break loose as her husband starts to question things both now and in the past.

 

I don't expect WS's, OW/OM to understand just how important it is for MOST BS's to get the truth from them. Most of us can feel that something is off, the fact that my fWW allowed me to painfully go through the "did she didn't she" stage and kept her mouth shut was a major factor in me filing for divorce.

[Got it]

ME - how are you doing today?

Edited October 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed personal stabs

[MaryElizabeth]

Meal ticket is not at all a reason!! I can't believe that is what's being taken away from here. I take care of our small children and our house. I live thousands of miles away from close friends and family. I was stating my situation is different from his!

[Red123]

Meal ticket is not at all a reason!! I can't believe that is what's being taken away from here. I take care of our small children and our house. I live thousands of miles away from close friends and family. I was stating my situation is different from his!

 

I don't agree with the meal ticket statement. When a couple chooses to have one parent stay home with small children they are both earning the paycheque. My H and I both work full time, but when one of us is home when the youngest is off school it's such a different world. The stay at home person makes things so much easier for the working partner. She is earning her part too. It is really difficult to be at home with kids and far away from support. Telling your H is your choice. As a BS I can say that getting the information from your spouse vs an outside source is so much better for healing, but it really is your choice. What you do from here is also going to make a difference. NC and working on your relationship is my suggestion whether you tell him or not. The behind the scenes stuff hurt me most as a BS, more than the sex.

[MaryElizabeth]

This has been a bit of a disappointment. I thought this would be a supportive group and with thoughtful advice on high sides of the fence. I didn't know I'd have to be defending myself. Trust me, whatever you can say about me, I've said much worse. I don't know how you are jumping yo conclusions that it's happened before. Projection? Maybe if I tell you my story in a bit of detail, those of you who have posted thousands of times may then go to the next person with a bit more empathy... I am married to my soulmate. Hs sweethearts. My father verbally abused me and made me feel terrible when I started to want to date, iwas a slut. I was raped. I was sexually assaulted more than once. I've been objectified, many times, like most women. My husband has physically a bused me. I moved across the country and gave up my job and life to support my husbands dreams, and we are broke, we live pay check to paycheck. There goes the meal ticket theory! I am a great and living mom. And usually a great wife. As I said before, life is not black and white. **** happens, it's messy. But all your cruel, cold comments have not helped to clear my head and try to make a decision that would be right for my family. It's worse now and I should not have posted on here. I had nobody to turn to and was looking for thoughtful support.

[MaryElizabeth]

Also, be been with 4 people in my life, I'm 42...Not exactly getting around much.

[HermioneG]

This has been a bit of a disappointment. I thought this would be a supportive group and with thoughtful advice on high sides of the fence. I didn't know I'd have to be defending myself. Trust me, whatever you can say about me, I've said much worse. I don't know how you are jumping yo conclusions that it's happened before. Projection? Maybe if I tell you my story in a bit of detail, those of you who have posted thousands of times may then go to the next person with a bit more empathy... I am married to my soulmate. Hs sweethearts. My father verbally abused me and made me feel terrible when I started to want to date, iwas a slut. I was raped. I was sexually assaulted more than once. I've been objectified, many times, like most women. My husband has physically a bused me. I moved across the country and gave up my job and life to support my husbands dreams, and we are broke, we live pay check to paycheck. There goes the meal ticket theory! I am a great and living mom. And usually a great wife. As I said before, life is not black and white. **** happens, it's messy. But all your cruel, cold comments have not helped to clear my head and try to make a decision that would be right for my family. It's worse now and I should not have posted on here. I had nobody to turn to and was looking for thoughtful support.

 

I am so very, very sorry. If your husband physically abuses you, he is not your soulmate.

 

You need to leave your marriage. No matter what horrible things have happened in your life ( and trust me- my life story has some spectacularly awful things in it, too, from childhood forward), it does not justify lessening your character and cheating and lying.

 

You can change the narrative. You can go forward. You can make the story that starts today a better one- no matter what you've done, or what's been done to you.

 

I wish you much luck.

[waterwoman]

Hi Mary

 

I am sorry you felt unsupported and that you've been having a hard time x The problem is your original question is one with no single answer - what comes next is entirely in the lap of the gods (or that of your OM's wife).

 

I can tell you what I did - told no-one apart from my closest friends - didn't tell OW's H because I had been told he was abusive and violent. I kept myself to myself, and h and i battened down the hatches against the world. But that won't help you with your situation unless you know her well enough to take a guess. OM may well not want to be in contact with you - if he has promised his wife not to be - and the fact he told her suggests he wants to be an open book to her from now on. And TBH he doesn't really owe you any kind of explanation if it further damages his marriage.

 

Regarding the physical abuse from your H. You really don't have to put up with it - no-one should. Good luck x

[Sub]

I'm very sorry about how you've been treated by your husband. Physical abuse is more than enough reason to leave, but that's a different conversation. As it pertains to this thread and the comments you've been getting, though, this sort of info may have been helpful earlier. I know it's probably uncomfortable to speak about and share with strangers. I completely get that, and it takes enormous courage to do so. But in fairness, I think some people just saw this as an indiscretion by a woman who's most likely happy in her marriage, based on your introductory post. As these parts of your story trickle out, the narrative has kind of changed, IMO. From one centered around the merits of disclosing a ONS to a BS....to one of dealing with much deeper issues within your M.

[Red123]

Ouch Goody. I responded to this thread and I am a BS who was cheated on, but I did not attack her or give demands. We all respond from our experiences and points of view. Including you. You are with your AP now and respond to other OW from that perspective, that it is possible even though many others on here have the opposite experience. You also have issues with your APs ex W being brutal, again that's your experience so you answer from that viewpoint which is fine. I think when we post on a public forum we need to take what's helpful and leave the rest. Also I am a BS that did not tell the other BS. I received lots of feedback on here that I should but didn't for my own reasons. So we are not all the same and we are not all responding negatively. Betrayal is painful so the responses are not surprising, I hope you never have to live on this side of the equation, it's rough.

[snappytomcat]

This is the reason I told you the responses you were getting were coming from people who had been cheated on. They can get a bit rabid and feel they know the answers to every situation when in reality, they only know things from a betrayed viewpoint and will give advice from that angle. In fact most of it does not feel like advice, but demands. "Leave your marriage!! Divorce!! Disclose the one nighter!!' They are going by what they think and that is fine. Take what helps and leave the rest. Although I still don't understand DK' s insistence that you are a serial cheat.

 

Here's the thing... they do have some good points, if your husband finds out from someone else it could be worse. And BS' s do tend to tell the other spouse. Something to consider. Keeping it to yourself is also an option if you feel there will be no mention of it ever. Thing is, only you can decide. We can bicker and argue all over the place but these people here have no dog in the fight. This is YOUR LIFE. Keep posting, ignore the militant haters and be strong.

wow goody just wow,please don't bunch all bs in the same way,im a bs and been kind and compassionate to all,and have become very close to some ow,and xow on this forum,they have helped me out a lot,you never seem to be kind to any bs,and it feels like you think we are all bitter like your guys,ex wife well guess what not all of us are bitter

and op im sorry for what you are going through,what ever you decide to do,is the right choice for you,good luck

[goodyblue]

Ouch Goody. I responded to this thread and I am a BS who was cheated on, but I did not attack her or give demands. We all respond from our experiences and points of view. Including you. You are with your AP now and respond to other OW from that perspective, that it is possible even though many others on here have the opposite experience. You also have issues with your APs ex W being brutal, again that's your experience so you answer from that viewpoint which is fine. I think when we post on a public forum we need to take what's helpful and leave the rest. Also I am a BS that did not tell the other BS. I received lots of feedback on here that I should but didn't for my own reasons. So we are not all the same and we are not all responding negatively. Betrayal is painful so the responses are not surprising, I hope you never have to live on this side of the equation, it's rough.

 

Not speaking of all BS just a select few who think they know all. And yes, my viewpoint is quite different from yours. I feel it is ok for all points to be heard but there are a few who demand OP do one thing or another. You will also notice I stated that there were valid points made by BS' s. It is how it is presented.'You need to tell him now' 'just leave him'... that is not helpful. And just so we are clear, I am not the only one who feels this way, I am just the only one not afraid to say it.

 

OP I will say it again... take what helps and ignore the rest. I hope you are feeling a little better today.

[snappytomcat]

well I don't hate you goody,not at all and I do feel really bad for the op,my heart breaks for her,i hope it works out for her,i hope she can find some peace

[goodyblue]

well I don't hate you goody,not at all and I do feel really bad for the op,my heart breaks for her,i hope it works out for her,i hope she can find some peace

 

So do I. She is in a rough place.

[Got it]

This has been a bit of a disappointment. I thought this would be a supportive group and with thoughtful advice on high sides of the fence. I didn't know I'd have to be defending myself. Trust me, whatever you can say about me, I've said much worse. I don't know how you are jumping yo conclusions that it's happened before. Projection? Maybe if I tell you my story in a bit of detail, those of you who have posted thousands of times may then go to the next person with a bit more empathy... I am married to my soulmate. Hs sweethearts. My father verbally abused me and made me feel terrible when I started to want to date, iwas a slut. I was raped. I was sexually assaulted more than once. I've been objectified, many times, like most women. My husband has physically a bused me. I moved across the country and gave up my job and life to support my husbands dreams, and we are broke, we live pay check to paycheck. There goes the meal ticket theory! I am a great and living mom. And usually a great wife. As I said before, life is not black and white. **** happens, it's messy. But all your cruel, cold comments have not helped to clear my head and try to make a decision that would be right for my family. It's worse now and I should not have posted on here. I had nobody to turn to and was looking for thoughtful support.

 

ME - I am sorry. I completely agree with your concerns both on a micro and macro level with your thread. I get it, I had similar concerns a few years back and was in a similar place as you. If you are at 30 posts you are more than welcome to PM me and I would love to talk more with you.

 

I am so sorry for the unhelpful and unwarranted comments and the lack of discretion that has happened. You are right, you came here seeking help. I implore that you try and take the pieces that you feel work for you and try and just disregard the rest.

 

Please try and just look through things analytically, finding the pieces that resonate, make sense, etc. for you and your situation and figure out what is the best game plan for you. You are looking up a mighty hill and it is daunting at times. Take the time to take a deep breath, sift through your emotions and then put together a plan. You are supported in whatever you do.

Edited October 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[truncated]

This has been a bit of a disappointment. I thought this would be a supportive group and with thoughtful advice on high sides of the fence. I didn't know I'd have to be defending myself. Trust me, whatever you can say about me, I've said much worse. I don't know how you are jumping yo conclusions that it's happened before. Projection? Maybe if I tell you my story in a bit of detail, those of you who have posted thousands of times may then go to the next person with a bit more empathy... I am married to my soulmate. Hs sweethearts. My father verbally abused me and made me feel terrible when I started to want to date, iwas a slut. I was raped. I was sexually assaulted more than once. I've been objectified, many times, like most women. My husband has physically a bused me. I moved across the country and gave up my job and life to support my husbands dreams, and we are broke, we live pay check to paycheck. There goes the meal ticket theory! I am a great and living mom. And usually a great wife. As I said before, life is not black and white. **** happens, it's messy. But all your cruel, cold comments have not helped to clear my head and try to make a decision that would be right for my family. It's worse now and I should not have posted on here. I had nobody to turn to and was looking for thoughtful support.

 

 

It seems like you already know what you want to do, and are seeking support or someone to tell you you're right.

 

If I were in your place, I would think about this. As much as you might want to dismiss what BS have to say because they have never been in your position, remember that they are the ones who have been in your husband's position. They have an idea of how he will feel and act should he find out about you cheating from someone else.

 

Also, the more you try and make it seem as if your actions were justified because your hsuabnd has done x,y and z, the more it shows that this isn't just some sort of one off "oops" moment. It sounds like you really resent him. whether that resentment is or isn't justified isn;t the point here. If he is treating you badly, leave him. If he is physically absive, then for sure, leave now. there are groups out there who will support you and help you get back on your feet.

Edited October 2, 2014 by truncated