Nice guys vs. Jerks.

[NYWoman]

Tayken

 

 

Once again you assume wrongly that a leapard can't change his spots.

 

 

I was young and stupid, and opened the door to the leopard cage when I let the attention of my male co-workers go to my head. Much to the regret of my co-workers he caught me cheating and went after their wives. I guess they would say he was a jerk. I heard he sent one of them pictures.

 

 

Other than the 3 marriages he broke up I really don't know much as I lost contact with him for over two decades. Rumor has it he went back to his wild ways for several years.

 

 

I have since moved back to the town where we met. No personal contact, although I have seen him around. And have since found out he has been with his present lady for at least 20 years.

Edited September 29, 2014 by NYWoman

[sm2281]

Some of these responses are nuts. . . .

 

I am a woman in my early 30's. I am intelligent, educated, and traveled.

 

I look for a man with confidence but not cockiness. >Not and *******

I look for a man with stability, not status. > not necessarily rich

I look for a man who is easy going, but driven. > not a jerk to me or others

I look for a man with manners, but not flirty. > nice guy habit, but not entirely a "nice guy".

I look for a man who is "good" to me and to others.

 

I do not just peg their personality by status or approachability.

[Natsu21]

Some of these responses are nuts. . . .

 

I am a woman in my early 30's. I am intelligent, educated, and traveled.

 

I look for a man with confidence but not cockiness. >Not and *******

I look for a man with stability, not status. > not necessarily rich

I look for a man who is easy going, but driven. > not a jerk to me or others

I look for a man with manners, but not flirty. > nice guy habit, but not entirely a "nice guy".

I look for a man who is "good" to me and to others.

 

I do not just peg their personality by status or approachability.

 

What if a man has all of that, but he isn't exactly flashy, or dare I say it...you find him homeless?

 

If status isn't important, than I should know the answer to that question.

[Tayken]

Tayken

 

 

Once again you assume wrongly that a leapard can't change his spots.

 

I was young and stupid, and opened the door to the leopard cage when I let the attention of my male co-workers go to my head. Much to the regret of my co-workers he caught me cheating and went after their wives. I guess they would say he was a jerk. I heard he sent one of them pictures.

 

 

Other than the 3 marriages he broke up I really don't know much as I lost contact with him for over two decades. Rumor has it he went back to his wild ways for several years.

 

 

I have since moved back to the town where we met. No personal contact, although I have seen him around. And have since found out he has been with his present lady for at least 20 years.

 

 

Kinda like how a cheater just STOPS cheating?

 

I am hoping you are pulling my leg here, and don't really mean it...cos if you do, you are misleading a lot of your fellow women

[Natsu21]

Kinda like how a cheater just STOPS cheating?

 

I am hoping you are pulling my leg here, and don't really mean it...cos if you do, you are misleading a lot of your fellow women

 

You're right, a leopard CAN change his or her spots...

 

But if that person isn't suffering the consequences, why would they?

 

If a guy is getting tail on the regular by cheating, he isn't going to change till his options run out.

 

Leopards change their spots for survival purposes, but not if the spots are already doing their job.

[insert_name]

I used to care about crap like this, am i the good guy? should i be the the bad guy? Then it finally dawned on me: if women don't like me for who I am....then **** em, I ain't changing.

 

No woman is worth compromising who I am and the values I believe in.

[NYWoman]

As far as I know he never cheated on me.

It is true, I stopped by his place one time to find him in bed with one of my friends, but that was totally my fault, as I had extolled his bed room talents, to her, and he did not know she was my friend.

And I could not blame her, as when it came to sex he was at the college professor level, while all the other men I have known, including my second husband never got beyond elementary school.

Once we went exclusive, he let all of his FWB's know that he was no longer available. Then once we got married he changed even more. No more stopping by the bar for a drink on the way home from work. We talked about the house we wanted, with flower beds, rose bushes, and a yard he could teach the kids how to play baseball and basketball. He very much wanted to be a father.

And that sudden change sort of scared me, and I ended up being the one doing the cheating.

I should also add, that he was a great model builder, when my niece mentioned how she would like a doll house, he went out bought some wood and a few parts, and in less than a month had scratch built one for her. And I know another dream of his was to build a model railroad complete with mountains, tunnels and rivers for his kids.

Edited September 30, 2014 by NYWoman

[NYWoman]

Tayken

 

 

It was my second husband that turned into a jerk. When we met he was a great guy and we had so much in common. We married and quickly had two boys. I had to give up my good paying career job, as he and I decided he wanted his kids raised by a SAHM. From that point on her never helped around the house much less with the boys. He made the money so he decided how it was to be spent. He almost totally cut us out of his life. I was just there to keep the house and take care of the kids. He did squat with his boys. Weekends he was too busy playing golf. Or off to Montana or Wyoming to catch fish. Vacations were for his hunting and fishing trips to Alaska or deep sea fishing. Never once taking the boys. He once took us on vacation to Florida, as we won some from time in Disney world. I took the boys, while he was off fishing.

 

 

When they were old enough to start school I went back to work part time, mostly to get the kids things he was too cheap to buy. When I found out how much my boys disliked their father, it was time to file for divorce. He was heartbroken, no more pussy and no more fishing trips as he had to pay CS.

 

 

When they moved on to college it was time for me to move back across the county to live with my mother. Were I sound found that my first Ex had moved back home also, as I would sometimes see him driving by in this old pick up truck.

 

 

I did a little research and found where he and his lady, whom he had been with for some time were living, and then purposely bought a home out of his area. There was this one house, that I dearly wanted to by, it was my dream house, but alas it was not for sale. For some reason just driving by made me feel good, even though it wasn't mine. When it went on the market, it was too late for me to buy, and I noticed that the new owner made it even better. Changed and enhanced the flower beds, added a fish pond. The one big tree they put in a small tree house that overlooks the pond. Then added a large number of white tube lights to light it up at night. And the other tree they decorated with all blue small LED lights, an awesome sight that stands out in the black of night.

 

 

This last Christmas was a disaster. One of my sons brought out his family for the holidays. I hadn't seen my 1st Ex in several years, when while dining at out favorite Mexican food restaurant, the two of them walked through our dining area. She is gorgeous, tall and very elegant and was holding a single red rose. My stupid, and now Ex SO made the remark that she was probably a hooker. While the women in the room could not help but notice that this couple was very much in love.

 

 

Two night later another disaster when I took my grand son out to look at the lights, I purposely drove by the dream house as the new owners, while not having an big display did have some pretty Disney characters, and every year add a new one or two. This time the garage door was open and inside I spotted that pick up truck of his. That is when I knew that that gorgeous woman was screwing my man in my house.

 

 

I don't drive by much any more, but when I did I spotted the two of them happily working in the floor beds. And I caught a glimpse of a miniature train set up, with mountains, tunnels and towns behind their gated back yard. The leopard had totally changed his spots, nobody can take him away from her.

[Discjockey80]

As far as I know he never cheated on me.

It is true, I stopped by his place one time to find him in bed with one of my friends, but that was totally my fault, as I had extolled his bed room talents, to her, and he did not know she was my friend.

And I could not blame her, as when it came to sex he was at the college professor level, while all the other men I have known, including my second husband never got beyond elementary school.

Once we went exclusive, he let all of his FWB's know that he was no longer available. Then once we got married he changed even more. No more stopping by the bar for a drink on the way home from work. We talked about the house we wanted, with flower beds, rose bushes, and a yard he could teach the kids how to play baseball and basketball. He very much wanted to be a father.

And that sudden change sort of scared me, and I ended up being the one doing the cheating.

I should also add, that he was a great model builder, when my niece mentioned how she would like a doll house, he went out bought some wood and a few parts, and in less than a month had scratch built one for her. And I know another dream of his was to build a model railroad complete with mountains, tunnels and rivers for his kids.

 

 

Amazing...that's a good insight into the female mind. And no offense here NYWoman but the fact that you got scared and cheated after he changed his single ways....wow!

[OwMyEyeball]

Making sense of male identity on the "nice guy" and "jerks" level will get you as far as trying to make sense of politics by looking only at "liberals" and "conservatives"

 

It's fun to throw around in casual conversation, but if you're looking to gain any depth or insight you're best to throw those terms away and begin understanding the behaviours without tagging giant labels onto people, least of all yourself.

[Xiang]

I used to care about crap like this, am i the good guy? should i be the the bad guy? Then it finally dawned on me: if women don't like me for who I am....then **** em, I ain't changing.

 

No woman is worth compromising who I am and the values I believe in.

Yeah you tell them !

I do just that, and no woman has noticed me since xD.

Guess being myself ain't good enough, bachelor life.

[sid3]

 

No woman is worth compromising who I am and the values I believe in.

 

I disagree. Try finding a woman that will not only make you happy, but that will also better yourself.

[NYWoman]

Dj80

 

 

Many decades ago in my psych class we were taught that although change is good, too much too soon, can cause personal problems. That some learned person had studied life changing events and given each one a value.

 

 

Such as getting married 5 points, getting a ticket 3 points, changing jobs, 5 points, getting new car 3 points, etc. Then if a person accumulates, something like 20 points within a short period of time, such as a month they were almost assured to have a mental breakdown of some sort.

 

 

I got married, changed my name, moved far away from my family, mother and siblings, started a new job, etc. had me pushing the limit.

 

 

My Ex used to stay up late and party almost nightly, he did not care or worry what tomorrow would bring, almost every night he would stop off for a cold one on the way home from work. And then he did a total 180 on me, no more partying, no more boozing, no more blowing money on toys, instead he was working hard and almost penny pinching so we could get a home and get pregnant, instead of stopping off at a bar he was stopping off to buy me a rose, weekends he was up early, doing laundry, cleaning floors. It was like I didn't know him anymore. This was not the man that I married. Although I liked most of the changes, it still unsettle me. Add that too it and I was way over the limit. And I was easy pickings for my new co-workers.

[Discjockey80]

Making sense of male identity on the "nice guy" and "jerks" level will get you as far as trying to make sense of politics by looking only at "liberals" and "conservatives"

 

It's fun to throw around in casual conversation, but if you're looking to gain any depth or insight you're best to throw those terms away and begin understanding the behaviours without tagging giant labels onto people, least of all yourself.

 

 

So, so true!

 

 

I've found these terms are usually caricatures for archetypes in our mind we all aspire to or assign to people base don cultural conditioning.

[Discjockey80]

Dj80

 

 

Many decades ago in my psych class we were taught that although change is good, too much too soon, can cause personal problems. That some learned person had studied life changing events and given each one a value.

 

 

Such as getting married 5 points, getting a ticket 3 points, changing jobs, 5 points, getting new car 3 points, etc. Then if a person accumulates, something like 20 points within a short period of time, such as a month they were almost assured to have a mental breakdown of some sort.

 

 

I got married, changed my name, moved far away from my family, mother and siblings, started a new job, etc. had me pushing the limit.

 

 

My Ex used to stay up late and party almost nightly, he did not care or worry what tomorrow would bring, almost every night he would stop off for a cold one on the way home from work. And then he did a total 180 on me, no more partying, no more boozing, no more blowing money on toys, instead he was working hard and almost penny pinching so we could get a home and get pregnant, instead of stopping off at a bar he was stopping off to buy me a rose, weekends he was up early, doing laundry, cleaning floors. It was like I didn't know him anymore. This was not the man that I married. Although I liked most of the changes, it still unsettle me. Add that too it and I was way over the limit. And I was easy pickings for my new co-workers.

 

 

Admittedly I've noticed this within myself...the stress of change on someones psyche.

[NYWoman]

I am not trying to pass the buck, but the truth is I was easy pickings for my co-workers, especially when they were so good at turning every positive thing he did, and making it look negative.

 

 

It is my fault that that woman is screwing my man in my dream house.

 

 

I recently heard, second source that he now volunteers to take underprivileged kids, out to the lake to teach them to fish. He has truly turned into a really nice guy.