He won't tell his ex-fiance and female friend that we're in a relationship [update]

[Mandy26]

Hi,

my boyfriend of 2 years, has an ex-fiance who wants to get back together, and a close female friend. They both live in a different province, he does go back home. His ex-fiance was to move out here with him but broke it off because she wanted a biological child of her own and he did not want anymore children(he has two from a previous relationship). Now I have one. We have introduced the kids, gone on two vacations with the children. And one on our own. I have met his family and friends in our province. But he will not let his ex know that he is involved with someone. He will not let his female friend know that he is involved with someone. He tells me that is his private life and he will not let them know. I feel sad about this. Having friends of the opposite gender is not the issue, the fact that he wont tell them he is involved with someone is. I have male friends, we chat once in a blue moon , we text, but they all know I am in a relationship. We never go into a discussion about our relationships, our friendships are based on our past and whats going on thats all. He went back home for a visit and I told him I was not working I could go. He didn't give out the invite. During the trip his friend back home made dinner plans with him. His friend did not show but the ex fiance showed up. I knew something was up when he wouldnt text me that night and the rest of the trip home. He said she apologized and made a mistake. I asked him if ever mentioned he was in a relationship. He said no. It then escalated into an argument. He then blamed me for not coming. Two years now Im still the secret girlfriend in Ontario. He accused me of not trusting etc. I am normal here? Tell me does it make sense to not tell other significant females in your life that you are involved with someone? His reason with his friend is he said it is difficult to be friends with a female. He does not want it to change. And he worked hard at it. Makes no sense to me...help.

[smackie9]

He's a manipulative jerk. How can you stand there and put up with that for 2 years.....two FRICKIN YEARS!

 

He obviously has an unhealthy emotional attachment to these ladies and doesn't want to give that up by telling them he is no longer available to them. Clearly you can see he is having his cake and eating it too.

 

Me personally would never put up with any of this and invest myself into a relationship with him. I think you should just go because there is no way he is going to give them up. Nice to know he chooses them over you huh.

[smackie9]

I bet if you did some super secrect snooping you would find more than what you bargained for.

[Dontfindme]

Hi,

my boyfriend of 2 years, has an ex-fiance who wants to get back together, and a close female friend. They both live in a different province, he does go back home. His ex-fiance was to move out here with him but broke it off because she wanted a biological child of her own and he did not want anymore children(he has two from a previous relationship). Now I have one. We have introduced the kids, gone on two vacations with the children. And one on our own. I have met his family and friends in our province. But he will not let his ex know that he is involved with someone. He will not let his female friend know that he is involved with someone. He tells me that is his private life and he will not let them know. I feel sad about this. Having friends of the opposite gender is not the issue, the fact that he wont tell them he is involved with someone is. I have male friends, we chat once in a blue moon , we text, but they all know I am in a relationship. We never go into a discussion about our relationships, our friendships are based on our past and whats going on thats all. He went back home for a visit and I told him I was not working I could go. He didn't give out the invite. During the trip his friend back home made dinner plans with him. His friend did not show but the ex fiance showed up. I knew something was up when he wouldnt text me that night and the rest of the trip home. He said she apologized and made a mistake. I asked him if ever mentioned he was in a relationship. He said no. It then escalated into an argument. He then blamed me for not coming. Two years now Im still the secret girlfriend in Ontario. He accused me of not trusting etc. I am normal here? Tell me does it make sense to not tell other significant females in your life that you are involved with someone? His reason with his friend is he said it is difficult to be friends with a female. He does not want it to change. And he worked hard at it. Makes no sense to me...help.

 

 

Sounds like he's holding on to a Plan B incase things don't work out with you.

[angel.eyes]

It appears he prioritizes his ex-fiancée and this other woman over you. You know that he's taking his ex to dinner, but she has no clue you exist. Why would you put up with this rubbish for two years?

 

If you aren't okay being the side side girl, you walk. It's a free country. If you don't want to leave, at some point you're going to have to accept your place in his life below the other two women. It goes back to his priorities...keeping her and this other female friend engaged in his life is more important than dealing with your requests. That's why he ignores you when he's around his ex-fiancée.

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl, no. He's very likely sleeping with one or both of them on these trips home, and carrying on long-distance flirting/sexting/etc. when he's not physically there with them. Or, he could be making them all kinds of promises and leading them to believe he's in some type of long-distance relationship with them. This is not good and his excuse is a joke. His defensive attitude speaks volumes. I hope you don't really buy his privacy excuse. I think there's a heck of a lot more going on there that you don't know about. His refusal to let these women know - especially after 2 years - is shady as hell and dealbreaker territory for me. Sorry, but I think he's playing you for a fool.

[veggirl]

oh my god you have put up with being his secret for TWO YEARS??? :eek:

 

damn I'd have dumped him as soon as we became official if he wouldn't be open and honest about our relationship!! 2 years!!!!

 

he is portraying himself as single to these women because he has unresolved feelings for them and wants them to think he is available. He is also probably in a long distance R with one or both of them.

[BlueIris]

Nope. Be done with him. No fights or explanations. Just done.

[Mandy26]

Thanks Ladies for all your support. I definetly was in a big time low, and low self worth to keep staying with him. I believed the you are my private life and then less drama as he explained it but deep down it was always there. I was not happy. We are no longer together and I feel better most times. He just texted last night- said he found my sweater or my son's. I can always buy a new one....and I should always be good to myself.

[jjtr]

Two years in he shouldn't have any problem telling anyone you're in a relationship. It's that simple.

[ktya]

Here's how I see this web.

 

The ex-fiancee and the female friend know eachother. He does not want the ex-fiancee to know he is in a relationship because he still has feelings for her or he said something during the breakup that he would wait and be single forever until she came around or something stupid like that.

 

I doubt he is sleeping or flirting with the female friend. The female friend is probably his portal to knowing what the ex-fiancee is up to, and may be still playing matchmaker trying to get them back together (although this would be a stretch).

 

You are well within your rights to bring this up and be annoyed after two years.

 

I have an ex-fiancee that I still had feelings for and hoped to get back together with for a little over a year after she broke off the engagement. The first few girls I was seeing I kept a secret because the breakup was fresh. After 6 months however I did let it be known to the ex-fiancee that I was seeing and living with someone else but that deep down I wanted another chance. By the time a year had passed I was through with her push pull games and went NC with her.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the ex-fiancee's involvement in the matter. If he still has feelings for her and she thinks hes been single for 2 years she was quite likely the dumper and he was the dumpee. She's probably got more than enough guys on the go and simply feels that your BF is pathetic for not moving on despite moving to another province and two years of time passing.

 

Your boyfriend however needs to make a choice. He can either keep his fantasy of maybe getting back together with the ex-fiancee and make love to Mary Palms while he waits for her or he can take the final step of moving on, make your relationship official to the ex-fiancee, friend, and everyone else in his life, putting you front and centre.

 

His rationale for breaking up with his ex-fiancee is suspect however. If he already has two kids and is going to marry a woman with no kids, allowing her a biological child of her own is a pretty foregone conclusion that they must have discussed at length before he ever popped the question. I could see if he had no children and didn't want any or visa versa but if he already has two kids he would know he's a dad for good and adding one more wouldn't significantly alter the routine.

[No Limit]

because he still has feelings for her

 

Feelings? Yeah, that's one word for it...

More directly I'd say "He wanted to screw the others ones too, but of course both the ex-fiancee and the female friend had to feel like his only true love, otherwise they would never drop their panties for him".

[Mandy26]

I agree he did say the female friend helped him lots after the breakup but I brought it up again. He still refuses to let them know I exists. and now friends with the ex fiancée on FB. So I'm done - he can keep moving on. Thanks

[Mandy26]

I agree he did say the female friend helped him lots after the breakup but I brought it up again. He still refuses to let them know I exist. They split up 5 years ago though.and now friends with the ex fiancée on FB. So I'm done - he can keep moving on. Thanks

[mightycpa]

I had a girlfriend in another town for a while, and I didn't tell any of the girls I was banging about her either. I kind of understand where he's coming from.

[smackie9]

I agree he did say the female friend helped him lots after the breakup but I brought it up again. He still refuses to let them know I exist. They split up 5 years ago though.and now friends with the ex fiancée on FB. So I'm done - he can keep moving on. Thanks

 

 

Best of luck Mandy I hope your heart heals quickly so you can leave the memory of this jerk far behind.

[Mandy26]

Thanks so much - today was rough - but then again I do feel a sense of peace and less anxiety- I'm quite sure time heals everything

[Mandy26]

Hi - so he texted me on Friday- simple message. He told me he found my sweater. And that was it. Like what the heck? I relied thanks - lol- and nothing else- so us thus like putting out the fishing line? He won't even call.

[smackie9]

He's a coward. You shouldn't have even replied. Whatever it is, whether it is manipulation or throwing out a line, he still isn't coming forward like a man and to try to reconcile. Just goes to show you that you mean that much to him....almost nothing.

[Mandy26]

you are so correct....I ignored the first one a week ago after he dropped off my watch and boots...when he got home texted " got in before the rain hit....you look great...call anytime if you need please....I chose to ignore that text...f u i said I deserve more, texting is stupid its meant as a means of simple ideas etc. Six hours later he asked if he pissed me off....

Then I responded No. Thankyou for dropping off my items. Take care of you. Done simple and clear. It felt good... I am worth more...but I answered this stupid one blahhh...oh well all is good...no no he still wants the ex and friend and me a secret it will not work for me...Thanks for the support

[preraph]

He was hoping to get back together with his ex, and it's possible the other friend knew her and he didn't want anything to get back to her. Not only did he screw you over, but he screwed himself over too. If his ex knew he had a girlfriend, it might have done him more good with her than her thinking no one else wants him, so he was stupid. Glad you left. Sorry he strung you along like that. It's low.

[Mandy26]

Thanks she did know that he was seeing someone because he introduced me to a friend a long time ago....then he said it was a mistake because it caused drama...like wtf....the only time there is drama is when you contribute to it ...gosh my eyes are wide open now that I am away

[Mandy26]

Thanks she did know that he was seeing someone because he introduced me to a friend a long time ago....then he said it was a mistake because it caused drama...like wtf....the only time there is drama is when you contribute to it ...gosh my eyes are wide open now that I am away

 

Sooo... He wouldn't tell the friend or the ex himself- it made me feel like I didn't count- I'm sad today over this even though I know I should not be and should be happy. Just finding it difficult being at home by myself- not interested in internet dating- I know the universe gave me signs from the beginning with this man. Ie- he said he was a non smoker - he smoked occasionally. 1. He was social drinker- he drank heavily when he did-3. His picture was from way before 4. He stated he only hung out with his female friend when visiting with the kids- then she tags him in a photo just them two at casino drinking 5 looked at his phone like 4 times in two years - each time was text from her- or phone call- and once 24 new matches from match.com 6. He occasionally would make remarks about my past - sarcasm I know I feel better - what a jerk !!! Thanks fir reading my venting - and in advance for validation just making sure I'm not crazy and seeing it for what it is right?

[Elle1975]

"I have cancer", or "I'm adopted", that's private life. "I have been with my girlfriend for two years" that's something you don't hide, unless you want to hide it.

 

When a guy or a gal is in love with the right person, everybody knows it. Hell my mom would know it, my brother, my friends, etc..

[preraph]

Sooo... He wouldn't tell the friend or the ex himself- it made me feel like I didn't count- I'm sad today over this even though I know I should not be and should be happy. Just finding it difficult being at home by myself- not interested in internet dating- I know the universe gave me signs from the beginning with this man. Ie- he said he was a non smoker - he smoked occasionally. 1. He was social drinker- he drank heavily when he did-3. His picture was from way before 4. He stated he only hung out with his female friend when visiting with the kids- then she tags him in a photo just them two at casino drinking 5 looked at his phone like 4 times in two years - each time was text from her- or phone call- and once 24 new matches from match.com 6. He occasionally would make remarks about my past - sarcasm I know I feel better - what a jerk !!! Thanks fir reading my venting - and in advance for validation just making sure I'm not crazy and seeing it for what it is right?

 

See, once you take even a small step away, you are able to see him clearly for what he is. I know it's hard when you have your feelings in play and in his case someone who has no problem acting or saying whatever to get what he wants. I mean, how selfish of him to string a nice girl along just because he didn't want to be lonely while he tried to get his ex back! Don't look back. Be glad in this case that you were not the ex because he's lying to her even more.