Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[lauri]

I've concluded that once a girl loses interest in you, she loses it forever.

 

My ex has gone back into her "I want to to take things slow so she can "fall back in love" with you". I think that the things she lost interest with me for are still implanted in her brain and aren't going to ever go away. Maybe someone here will prove me wrong, but I seriously believe that even if an ex "wants you back" (I'm referring more to women then men here), that there is a HIGH probability that even though on paper the person is "perfect" for them (for example, myself, on paper I'm what she wants), that once they start to reassess their feelings they start to realize that they cannot regain interest in you due to who you are.

 

Its impossible to re-start from scratch with a girl. I don't even care that she is or isn't, but its just a lesson more for people on here - once an ex girlfriend ends it with you and lets it get to the point that their interest level has plummeted to a really low level, that even after NC and you improving yourself, there is nothing you can do to improve their interest level to the point of them loving you again. This is why moving on is so important and going NC is so important - it stops you from being sucked back into a confusing situation and it stops you from falling for mixed messages that just scream "I'm not interested in you".

[Simon Phoenix]

So her "keeping it real" phase lasted for less than a week before she went back to playing games huh?

[BC1980]

I've concluded that once a girl loses interest in you, she loses it forever.

 

My ex has gone back into her "I want to to take things slow so she can "fall back in love" with you". I think that the things she lost interest with me for are still implanted in her brain and aren't going to ever go away. Maybe someone here will prove me wrong, but I seriously believe that even if an ex "wants you back" (I'm referring more to women then men here), that there is a HIGH probability that even though on paper the person is "perfect" for them (for example, myself, on paper I'm what she wants), that once they start to reassess their feelings they start to realize that they cannot regain interest in you due to who you are.

 

Its impossible to re-start from scratch with a girl. I don't even care that she is or isn't, but its just a lesson more for people on here - once an ex girlfriend ends it with you and lets it get to the point that their interest level has plummeted to a really low level, that even after NC and you improving yourself, there is nothing you can do to improve their interest level to the point of them loving you again. This is why moving on is so important and going NC is so important - it stops you from being sucked back into a confusing situation and it stops you from falling for mixed messages that just scream "I'm not interested in you".

 

She has gone back to being unclear. Basically, she isn't being definitive in what she wants. Once people start using that type of language, it's time to bow out IMO.

[krooton25]

I've concluded that once a girl loses interest in you, she loses it forever.

 

My ex has gone back into her "I want to to take things slow so she can "fall back in love" with you". I think that the things she lost interest with me for are still implanted in her brain and aren't going to ever go away. Maybe someone here will prove me wrong, but I seriously believe that even if an ex "wants you back" (I'm referring more to women then men here), that there is a HIGH probability that even though on paper the person is "perfect" for them (for example, myself, on paper I'm what she wants), that once they start to reassess their feelings they start to realize that they cannot regain interest in you due to who you are.

 

Its impossible to re-start from scratch with a girl. I don't even care that she is or isn't, but its just a lesson more for people on here - once an ex girlfriend ends it with you and lets it get to the point that their interest level has plummeted to a really low level, that even after NC and you improving yourself, there is nothing you can do to improve their interest level to the point of them loving you again. This is why moving on is so important and going NC is so important - it stops you from being sucked back into a confusing situation and it stops you from falling for mixed messages that just scream "I'm not interested in you".

 

so you mean to say...when a guy ended things with you, they could regain that "interest" again and fall in love with you again?

[Simon Phoenix]

so you mean to say...when a guy ended things with you, they could regain that "interest" again and fall in love with you again?

 

What?.....

[movingonnow1]

so you mean to say...when a guy ended things with you, they could regain that "interest" again and fall in love with you again?

 

No, that is not what he meant.

 

He was just saying from his experience with his ex. It has nothing to do with that. I think that once someone loses interest it is extremely difficult to regain it with that person.

[blindnlost]

heres my story of NC. I was with this girl for 5 years, we literally grew up together, from university to getting our first job and moving in together for a few months. Eventually she couldn't handle the responsibilities and some financial pressure.

 

One day out of the blue she came home and broke up with me. I stayed in contact for about 2 weeks trying to figure out the reasons. beg and plead like everyone.

 

Then i just went NC after about 6 weeks later, she comes crying back telling me she was wrong and she wants to get back together. deep down i wanted to get back together too, but i never figured out the true reason why we broke up in the first place. Anyways i got back together with her. The first 2 weeks was great, she was really caring and loving. After the 2nd week she starting to become more and more selfish and show her true self. Often hot and cold and always blaming me for random little things and its always about how she feels, what she wants and made me feel that I'm never good enough. a true narcissist.

 

After 2 month of getting back together, i truly got sick and tired of her. she was stressing me out and its affecting my work/studies/life. the relationship was toxic, so we broke up again.

 

Well, what i learnt from this is. Breakup happens for a reason. Its so true, i had the 2nd chance and i figured out why it wasn't working. Could've wasted less time if i just went NC from the 1st break up.

 

This time, i have no plan in breaking NC for a few years. Even thou she said she will always remember me and wants to be friends. You can be friends just not anytime soon. Wait until you have no feelings what so ever(i.e. if you found out right now they are with another guy, do you give a $h!t? if you do then you are not ready). Or else don't break NC, even if they initiate contact.

[OrchidLover]

My break up story:

 

Well, my ex broke up with me about 1.5 years ago. I couldn't let go until 3 months ago. We have been together for 1.5 years and knew each others for 6 years. My BIGGEST mistake was I begged and pledged him for a year. I finally let go this July. So don't make the mistake like me. NO CONTACT is the best rule of thumb, seriously. I was on and off with no contact with my ex b/c I couldn't stand it. I am sure my ex finds me super annoying throughout the whole year and all he can think about right now is I am so glad that b*tch stopped contacting me. I was miserable throughout those time. So what I learned is: "NO CONTACT after break up" and "a lot of other guys are more than happy to be with me".

 

Lastly, I always think of Over You - Daughtry's lyric: "when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up". <3 that song, so much encouragement for me.

[candie13]

here's my big learning on NC for the last 2 years:

- dated a bloke for 11 months. After month 5 it was pretty clear that it did not work, but you all know that letting go is hard to do and to accept (especially when chemistry is high). after month 7 it became obvious, and this is when I have started to really struggle with NC. I would stop contacting him, but the bloke kept coming back. First with texts. I learnt to ignore them. Then in person - at my door. I learnt to set my barriers and blocked him on my phone. Then with emails - that was a really cheap blow. IT was only after I had blocked him everywhere that I finally got closure and peace. I can tell you, even 3 months after I did that, he still had the balls to leave flowers in front of my door, for St Valentine's. This bloke never offered me flowers once during our "relationship" so no, this was not about his feelings, it was about winning. I took the flowers and ignored the sh*t outta his arse.

 

From the moment No Contact was fully installed, it took me two more months to get my sh*t together fully.

 

- unfortunately, we continue to be attracted to the blokes that are bad for us until that moment when u've had enough. So after this bloke, I fell for another no good news sort of man. BUT I had my previous experience and that proved to be my biggest asset. After a few months of back and forth, I finally decided that my new bloke did not check those important boxes for me (again, despite sky high chemistry). But this time, I knew that the more I stayed in, the more involved I'd get and eventually end up in an even more emotionally devastating relationship. The guy was sooooo sure I'll give in because I was involved. So I just looked him in the eyes and said NO. not good enough. And blocked him on my phone. I know it is childish, but it works for me. It makes me feel in control. Well, girls.. the first two weeks of No Contact (especially the second one) were really really tough. But the third one... easy. I am in day 21 and I intend to stay NC at least 60 days - or until I find myself not counting.

 

Bottom line - NC is invalueble to get you out of emotionally dangerous places. If rationally you are convinced that you have to leave, get that phone, block that contact, delete on fb and three weeks later you will be really really grateful for that. I've learnt that I have to force myself out, because I had decided to ignore those important red flags at the beginning. At some moment, you have to pay the price. and the sooner you accept it - and start paying - the better off you are.

 

stay strong and always listen to yourself and to your intuition !

[LisaSmith_1970]

I want to do no contact after my guy told me he wants a break last week. Well, I made the mistake of contacting him today. I was sooo weak! I just can't do it. I keep checking his facebook and reading this past texts. Should I just delete all of his texts? I really would like to keep those, but at the same time, I'm really tempted to text him.

[lemonsugar]

I want to do no contact after my guy told me he wants a break last week. Well, I made the mistake of contacting him today. I was sooo weak! I just can't do it. I keep checking his facebook and reading this past texts. Should I just delete all of his texts? I really would like to keep those, but at the same time, I'm really tempted to text him.

 

Delete everything you have to do with him. Take him off facebook. If you have it in you delete his number its surreal but honestly it means you cannot contact him easily

[Jixon]

Hello everyone,

 

My first post here so thankyou in advance.

 

My girlfriend said she didn't feel the same anymore more of a best friend than a boyfriend. We broke up a couple of days ago.

Her mom has recently (couple of months ago) been diagnosed with malignant cancer and things have been different for a while.

I told her that I don't want to speak to her for a while until we are over each other. She wanted us to keep talking and be friends strait away.

I told her that I want to know how her mum is and that I am there for her in that respect but I won't be able to get over her if we carry on talking and texting like everything is normal.

 

I do love her and will miss her a lot. If her mum wasn't ill I think it would be a lot easier to deal with but I feel like the whole distancing herself is something to do with it, this might just be wishful thinking though!

 

Have I done the right thing? Should I check in on her to see how her and her family is. Or shall I just not contact her until I am ready.

She has not contacted me.

[Mandalorian]

I'm struggling today

 

It's just been over two months no contact. I've started to try and date again and I know I'm so much better emotionally than I was when it all fell apart, but I'm still thinking about her everyday, sometimes missing her, sometimes angry at what she put me through and what she said, and also regrets thinking if i'd done various things differently we'd still be together now.

 

When I think logically I'm ok, as what she wanted from me was barmy and her actions were the same and I no longer think she ever even loved me. But emotion is trumping logic at the mo

 

Even though my mind KNOWS she dumped me and everyone (both family and non family who I've told everything) think she's a complete fruitloop because of her demands and reasons and that I'm lucky to be out of her controlling clutches, a big part of me still blooming loves her and worries that It was I who dumped her by leaving

 

I'm so thankful I deleted her from everything as I know i'd have slipped. I still remember her email addy but I've been strong enough to avoid sending her anything. I've just got to keep strong and keep smiling from the inside out.

[Mandalorian]

Hello everyone,

 

My first post here so thankyou in advance.

 

My girlfriend said she didn't feel the same anymore more of a best friend than a boyfriend. We broke up a couple of days ago.

Her mom has recently (couple of months ago) been diagnosed with malignant cancer and things have been different for a while.

I told her that I don't want to speak to her for a while until we are over each other. She wanted us to keep talking and be friends strait away.

I told her that I want to know how her mum is and that I am there for her in that respect but I won't be able to get over her if we carry on talking and texting like everything is normal.

 

I do love her and will miss her a lot. If her mum wasn't ill I think it would be a lot easier to deal with but I feel like the whole distancing herself is something to do with it, this might just be wishful thinking though!

 

Have I done the right thing? Should I check in on her to see how her and her family is. Or shall I just not contact her until I am ready.

She has not contacted me.

 

I think you've done the right thing. In my eyes her mum being ill should have made her want your support even more, but she's pushed you away as a boyfriend, but not taken into account your feelings for her when saying she wanted you both to stay in contact and remain friends. Having her cake and eating it in some ways.

 

Dont contact her, concentrate on yourself.

[Jixon]

Thanks @mandalorian

I think partly she felt bad that she didn't feel the same way that she used to about me because she had all this other stuff going on and that she wanted to continue to be best friends (I guess this had already been rationalized by her for a while) I feel bad I guess that she needs or wants me to still be there for her strait away.

I will try and stick with no contact and look after myself thanks for your post!

[Jixon]

Guys I posted on here a few days ago my girlfriend and me ended things on Sunday because she didn't feel the same way about me mega upsetting for both of us. I haven't contacted her atall since and don't really want to but tonight she messaged me :

 

" I know this is not fair and selfish for me to do... But I can't stop thinking about you. I just want to know how you are.. I miss talking to you so much. I just feel terrible without you."

 

I don't want to be so cold as to not message her atall as I do want to be her friend at some point down the line and I know she has massive confidence issues too I kinda wana make her feel better you know but I don't wana just massage her ego and for her to think she can message me like this, what shall I say? Just please respect my wishes I know this is hard etc.??

[candie13]

Day 31 ongoing. It gets better with time. The fog is slowly dissipating. With time, even looking back becomes a pain. I just wanna really move on and not even remember he is blocked on my phone. Two more months and I'll be as good as new. I'm dating a bit much and not sure that's a good idea. Whatever gets me through the day and makes me laugh. I'll never ever talk about what happened and if I could have it my way, I'd never even think about what happened. Not for a second. NEXT. The future is in front of me.

[LisaSmith_1970]

It's been 2 weeks. I was almost going to text him, but I stopped myself. I really didn't want to cause more damage. I want to make him realize that he should miss me. I know I have to distract myself...

[RedButton]

Hi all, brand new here, but I find that writing things down and trying to discuss it helps a lot. Reading other experiences has been very useful.

 

My girlfriend and I split 18 days ago, and we both agreed we shouldn't contact eachother until we've had enough time to sort through things. We were dating for a bout 5~6 months but had gotten very close in that short time.

 

The breakup was more or less mutual (I'd thought about breaking things off in prior weeks, but decided to try and work things through and didn't tell her until we did break up), she ultimately came to me citing that we were too different and incompatible, which I understood. We have and had no anger towards each other, but could tell we were both being strained in the relationship.

 

It was difficult since we were both so close to eachother and were really like best friends as well. We weren’t angry at eachother and never really had any serious fights either, and so I think we both wanted to be able to be friends somewhere down the line, or at least not lose contact for good. At the same time we knew we needed time (never specified).

 

18 days later, I still oscillate between a few feelings:

• Expecting her to call me back and getting back together

• Trying to realise that things wouldn’t have worked and I’m better off moving on

• Considering approaching her to try and get back together

 

 

Right now I’m adamant about sticking to no contact for at least 60 days (30 as a rock bottom minimum, but I feel that won’t be enough time). I’m hoping I’ll know by then what I want to do, either move on or attempt a contact to see where she sits. Either way I do feel I want to see or contact her at some point again, since I’m really not angry and she’s not ‘bad’ for me in any way, nor I for her. I just know that doing so too early will break my heart and possibly hurt her a great deal as well.

 

This third week has started out very hard for me and I’m still irrationally expecting her to call me at some point or feeling like I should make a move and try to work things out. I know I can keep up my end of no contact, but I worry these thoughts/expectations are going to hurt me.

 

Guys I posted on here a few days ago my girlfriend and me ended things on Sunday because she didn't feel the same way about me mega upsetting for both of us. I haven't contacted her atall since and don't really want to but tonight she messaged me :

 

" I know this is not fair and selfish for me to do... But I can't stop thinking about you. I just want to know how you are.. I miss talking to you so much. I just feel terrible without you."

 

I don't want to be so cold as to not message her atall as I do want to be her friend at some point down the line and I know she has massive confidence issues too I kinda wana make her feel better you know but I don't wana just massage her ego and for her to think she can message me like this, what shall I say? Just please respect my wishes I know this is hard etc.??

I'm not overly experienced, but I would maybe reply with something curt like

"I understand it's hard, but we are both not ready to be contacting each other yet. We both need space and time to heal and I hope you will respect that. Maybe we can be in contact again when the time is right and we both have clearer minds."

 

You might need to change that depending on what your intentions are long term. Do you want to eventually be able to see her again, or just cut her out of your life entirely?

Edited November 18, 2014 by RedButton

[tommy_tgz]

Anyone notice Taylor Swift's new hit song on the radio Blank Space sounds like a crazy heartbreaker ex-gf? The lyrics make her sound like a BPD girl. I just got out of a nasty breakup with a BPD girl and can relate..

[Dave77]

Hi everyone,

 

I wanted to share my NC story here.

 

GF of 2 years broke after 1 month of LDR. Said she didn't love me anymore, became infatuated with another guy that she met 2 weeks before (the power of infatuation... 2 years gone in 2 weeks). She kissed him right before breaking up. Idk if they're dating now. I don't wanna know.

 

I went to NC right away, told her that I can't be her friend.

 

So it has been 1 month and a half now.

 

Got a text yesterday, saying that she's worried for me, she wants to know how I'm doing, what I plan to do for winter break.

 

Idk why she sent it, not trying to interpret it.

I told her that she doesn't have to worry about me, my life continues.

I said I hoped she was okay, but didn't ask.

 

In fact I don't really care. Whether she feels regrets, guilt, or is just curious is not my problem anymore.

 

Everyday I think less about her... I'm gonna get through that **** !

[Moussemoo]

Hi everyone,

 

I wanted to share my NC story here.

 

GF of 2 years broke after 1 month of LDR. Said she didn't love me anymore, became infatuated with another guy that she met 2 weeks before (the power of infatuation... 2 years gone in 2 weeks). She kissed him right before breaking up. Idk if they're dating now. I don't wanna know.

 

I went to NC right away, told her that I can't be her friend.

 

So it has been 1 month and a half now.

 

Got a text yesterday, saying that she's worried for me, she wants to know how I'm doing, what I plan to do for winter break.

 

Idk why she sent it, not trying to interpret it.

I told her that she doesn't have to worry about me, my life continues.

I said I hoped she was okay, but didn't ask.

 

In fact I don't really care. Whether she feels regrets, guilt, or is just curious is not my problem anymore.

 

Everyday I think less about her... I'm gonna get through that **** !

 

Dude, I can relate to you 100%. This is ME right now. It's also been a month and half, and I also just got an email from my ex asking if I was okay.

 

You are right. You shouldn't try to interpret the text because you can never know what she is really thinking.

 

What our exes feel now, is simply no longer our problem. We can get through it!!

[Moussemoo]

Hey guys.

Long story short, we were together for 3 years and I lived with him in Japan, we had plans for the future, I recently flew home on vacation (to Canada), can you believe, just 2 days before I was about to fly back, over an e-mail, he told me he's developed a BIG crush on someone else, doesn't know what to do doesn't know where we are, wants me to give him time to think about things.

 

I've had my doubts about him, about living in Japan, and honestly the relationship was hanging on by a thread. I broke up with him instantly.

 

Facebook blocked. Deleted every single picture that had him in it. It was the end and I knew there was no turning back. In the end I didn't even take my plane. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't gonna pack my sh*t in tears and come home on a plane crying over a break-up. That's not how I wanted to end my journey with Japan. So yeah, I just didn't go back.

 

Anyways, it's been a month and a half since NC. I've had good days and bad, i know he's bad for me, there's no point thinking about him now. But when it hurts it f***ing hurts. I just wish there was a way I can stop thinking about it all... I guess I can't, I just need to remind myself every time, what's the best thing to do for myself.. and stop worrying about him and wonder how he's doing...

 

It's f***ing tough but I'm gonna get through it. My heart goes out to anyone who's going through this. You deserve better!

[SimplyLost]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]This is a very humbling and embarrassingpost for me to write. I have learned in the last few days that I am withoutexcuse as to my behavior; which make this post all the more painful. Bear withme as I try to explain what happened. Over 10 years ago I met and was smittenby a very beautiful woman. She was mesmerizing and hypnotic to me. My previousmarriage had failed and I was very lonely and a ripe target; then she camealong. She came from a poor background and I had built a lot of wealth andsuccess. To me she needed to be rescued and I foolishly wanted to be her heroafter what I had been through. But sadly, I discovered that she was and is anextreme narcissist and I am very co-dependent. For 10 years I foolishly triedto win her heart but she never really gave in. She was happy to receive all thegifts, toys, and pampering but I never truly got anything in return. I alwaysbelieve that if I could just win her heart, I’d have her. But unknown to me, itwas never meant to be. She always needed someone nearby. When I was gone shewas with other men, sometimes flaunting them in front of me. But foolishly Iheld on to this dream. She soon became a Meth addict and I thought I couldrescue her. I put her through rehab 4 times and each time she’d walk out. Itried and tried to get her to quit, but she wouldn’t. But like a marshmallowhead, I stayed in the game…for years and years. I wasted hundreds of thousandsof dollars on her. I turned my head as I financed her drug habit alwaysthinking she could beat it. She never wanted to. She would toy with me and tellme that I could never leave her, and she was right. I kept convincing myselfthat if I left her the pain would be unbearable. But I was a coward and stayedinstead. My life fell further and further into a rat hole. I was depressed and self-abasing.I could shake my own addiction to her. I few months ago she said that she wasfinally with another guy. I said I was done and I began to pull back for thefirst time. She got mad that I cut off all the money. Up until that time I paidfor her entire life. I just didn’t know, maybe I did, I was paying for all herlife and other boyfriends. I know I am very sick, but this is what happened.She called me back and wanted to see me. So like a sheep, I went and saw her.She said she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby and felt he would not takecare of her. Again, me to the rescue, I said I would. She that for the firsttime she looked at me differently and fell in love with me because of mydevotion to her. My head was spinnin and I foolishly thought that after allthese years, I had my dream girl. She had an abortion. A couple weeks ago totook her to LA to show her one of my projects and some houses I thought wecould share together. The trip went ok until she abruptly turned vicious andmean. The trip fell apart and did not recover. She accused me of every kind of heinousthing a man could do to a woman, yet with no fear that she could loseeverything I offered her. I dropped her off and went home. When I got home, Irealized I had nothing left of me anymore. I had lost everything I knew andmost of the people I had loved over the years. I was no better than her. I wasundone. In my obsession and insanity and relentlessly started to researchanything that could save me and ran across the No Contact Rule. 9 days ago Istarted No Contact but for revenge not for me. She texted me a few time and I respondedonly once by saying I was busy. But for the first time, I saw something I hadn’tseen in years… a backbone. She since emailed me asking for money and I haven’t responded.She replied “Alright…Merry Christmas”. That was today. I am terrified. Part of me is longing for herand the other part of me is screaming RUN AWAY. Based upon all the readings mychance of going back and failing is too high and will most likely happen. Ifeel doomed from the start. I can’t do this on my own. I will fail. But thesepast few days have been a little empowering. Will she call me or has she left?Will she ever leave me alone? DO I want her too? She has been and is my drug. Iam so ashamed of my behavior and the wasted years. My list of regrets is toolong. What a failure I have been. But I have gone 9 days.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[amorydiver]

im venting on my own awful decision making skills. I broke no-contact today. was only 19 days in. I responded to her txt. we started talking. then a phone call, then another. yada yada yada. . . and .

 

I might be seeing her tonight. im in no shape for this. I gotta call it off, but we all know I wont. good lord I must be a nut job..