Suspect behavior, but a LOT of fun: Keep her or move on

[OwMyEyeball]

Ah well, at least now you've got some closure.

 

Infatuation can reduce even the greatest of men to babbling boys. History is replete with men of tremendous power, responsibility and maturity falling prey to the excesses of lust. So it shouldn't come as a surprise when it happens to us during our lifetimes. I've been in the same boat you are and can only look back with a bit of amusement and embarrassment at the decisions I made in situations I would have, in a clearer state of mind, bet my entire year's income on not working out.

 

Time and distance will allow time for the chemistry to balance out. Healthy distraction will hasten the process. The downswing isn't all that fun, but you've probably been through your share of heartbreak to know your way out. It also seems that you have your life well enough setup for a healthy relationship to form.

 

Best wishes

[confused40426]

Was unable to edit, so just wanted to add:

 

I was used, lied to and burned. Being brutally critical, she probably lied about not seeing someone else, lied about the reasons behind her phone habits, and a handful of other important details and her wishy-washy approach to our relationship. She may have said she wasn't ready, blah blah, but then she did counter herself a few times by admitting she wanted the same things I did, was really into me, etc. So, I didn't manufacture my feelings/approach out of thin air... I was led down that primrose path by her wishy-washyness. We had a lot of fun but I let myself get too attached, trusted her too much, and didn't see it for what it was. When I got too interested, or the conversation too heavy, she politely called it off saying that she needs to heal and the timing isn't right for her.

 

As a final thought, it's to anyone reading, dating would be so much easier if people were just clear on intentions, good at communicating, and clearly breaking it off if it isn't working. The misleading ambigious-ness is maddening. In total unbiased fairness to her, she may have tried (my life is complicated, I'm recovering from my last relationship, let's not get too serious, etc.). But there still leaves a lot of room for guessing as to what that means without coming out and saying it.

[confused40426]

Ah well, at least now you've got some closure.

 

Infatuation can reduce even the greatest of men to babbling boys. History is replete with men of tremendous power, responsibility and maturity falling prey to the excesses of lust. So it shouldn't come as a surprise when it happens to us during our lifetimes. I've been in the same boat you are and can only look back with a bit of amusement and embarrassment at the decisions I made in situations I would have, in a clearer state of mind, bet my entire year's income on not working out.

 

Time and distance will allow time for the chemistry to balance out. Healthy distraction will hasten the process. The downswing isn't all that fun, but you've probably been through your share of heartbreak to know your way out. It also seems that you have your life well enough setup for a healthy relationship to form.

 

Best wishes

 

Well said. Time to shut the book on this one, and her non-response is the only closure I'll likely get. Oh well. Yes, I've certainly dealt with disappointment and heartache before. It's been a number of years since a real heartache like this one... from a purely human perspective I'm quite shocked at my own reaction. I'm normally a quite stoic and strong individual... just really oddly effected by this short-lived fling. She was that good, like a drug in all honesty.

 

Yes, I'm otherwise quite happy and successful, so someone new will be along soon enough. I've never had a problem with dating necessarily - just finding Ms. Right.

 

I'm not even sure how I would handle it if this woman re-initiated contact. I'd like to be strong enough to blow her off and not respond... let's hope so. I don't want to re-open the cut so-to-speak.

[Toodaloo]

But just think you are making yourself available for women who DO want to be with you, who DO want to text you regardless of who is there with them and would be PROUD to be seen with you and ENJOY being with you.

 

That has got to make you feel better about yourself.

 

Having just been caught out I can tell you there is nothing worse than falling for a chap whos' brain is else where. Someone special is on their way - you just don't know it yet.

 

I wish people would just not date and not get involved unless they are physically and emotionally free to do so... would make life so much simpler...

[confused40426]

deleted...

[stillafool]

This girl sounds like me after my first divorce. I hate talking all the time on the phone and don't see a problem with not communicating for a day or two. I would think the last thing this girl wants is to get serious with anyone right after a divorce. You want to be free to breathe and enjoy your new single life. You don't even know this girl and already you want to get serious. Let me guess, she is very attractive, yes? It's funny how men will put up with the same behavior with a good looking woman as women do with the players. If you don't want to be hurt by her I would suggest you reel back your emotions.

[HappyLove]

This isn't a total loss. What you need to do now is learn from this!

 

"People show you who they are the first time. Believe them." Dr Maya Angelou

 

This lady was deceitful from the gate. She lied about having been married. Her online profile was very different from how she behaved IRL. You chose to ignore the red flags. Saves A LOT of heartache to skip the ones with the red flags smacking you in the face. I agree people nowadays are NOT honest. They are cowards. Unfortunately this is the norm of dating, people just fade away instead of saying sorry I don't think we're a match. Lots of people even condone this behavior because they think it's a nice way to let someone down. They are cowards. Don't be surprised when she comes crawling back acting as if nothing happened.

[confused40426]

This girl sounds like me after my first divorce. I hate talking all the time on the phone and don't see a problem with not communicating for a day or two. I would think the last thing this girl wants is to get serious with anyone right after a divorce. You want to be free to breathe and enjoy your new single life. You don't even know this girl and already you want to get serious. Let me guess, she is very attractive, yes? It's funny how men will put up with the same behavior with a good looking woman as women do with the players. If you don't want to be hurt by her I would suggest you reel back your emotions.

 

I'm 40, and very experienced at dating. I totally understand how absurd it sounds ... the whole situation and the obvious shady-ness of it.

 

But I didn't manufacture a connection my head... it felt so real. The physical, emotional, mental, and just personality and fun connection. So real. You can tell (or you think you can) when someone is faking it... and not a single suspicion on my part of her faking it.

 

I'll point to a few distinct things this woman texted. I've done some pretty admirable things in my life, have various noteworthy awards, and have saved some lives, etc. She kinda stumbled into some of my private life in my accolades and other stuff, and she was obviously very into it and attracted to me... after our second weekend rendezvous and she left she sent an odd text: "I'm glad I stumbled into your life, took a chance, and learned more about you. I like and respect you a lot. You have done a lot in your life that I admire and respect and it has made you into a really great person." I fully expected right there that she was going to break it off, because that seemed odd and like the start of the talk ... I quizzed her to make sure she was okay.. and she said she was totally, just wanted to compliment me. She went on to say that I surprised her in many great ways over the weekend.

 

Perhaps at that moment she was caught in some candor of feeling that she felt a bit of guilt for maybe screwing me over and/or lying to me about her situation (for instance if she is seeing someone else, thought I would be fun fling but got unexpectedly attached...).

 

But after that it gets puzzling - she was very interested in making more plans, and almost immediately we made plans for a couple weeks later. She initiated the idea of more plans together, and pursued me for a bit about it.

 

But something changed. Perhaps my relationship talk soured it. But think about this. During both our rendezvous and upcoming planned rendezvous, she suggested we stay in and do typical couple things (cook, bake cookies, hang out at home, crafty projects, stay in, painting a room in my house, putting up my hammock in the back yard, building/making something for my house, etc. - due to living 3 hours away, no danger of seeing anyone she might know). So that really set the tone in my view, that perhaps she DID want to settle in, move onto something healthy and stable. Single life isn't for everyone. Perhaps she's been in an emotionless, loveless marriage for years, and felt alone and unneeded... and finds me and craves the affection and stability. At least that's how it felt at times.

 

But then she withdrew, and the phone/text games continued. My big mistake was calling and then accusing her of some shady business when she didn't answer... I think that soured the whole deal because prior to that she was interested, just not showing it by being negligent in texting.

 

I've done a lot of reading on line on advice columns, and perhaps jumped the gun on my insecurities about not hearing from her. It seems that a lot of people, women, early in a dating situation, commonly go hours or days without texting. Seems that's a "game" in my view. She professes to hate games. Not sure why she can't acknowledge that is in fact a game... perhaps she thinks it's reasonable and not a game. I think it's totally unreasonable to go more than a day without texting someone you're dating, even casually, just to say hello.

 

Oh well.... so puzzling to me.

 

I've had long term relationships where the breakup didn't effect me like this... and that is equally puzzling how I got so invested in this woman so quickly.

Edited September 25, 2014 by confused40426

[2sunny]

You seem opposite from each other.

 

You seem to need to talk about every detail and she seems that she doesn't want to address any emotions about it.

 

If nothing else - you're not a good match - but I still think she seems married.

[ExpatInItaly]

You seem opposite from each other.

 

You seem to need to talk about every detail and she seems that she doesn't want to address any emotions about it.

 

If nothing else - you're not a good match - but I still think she seems married.

 

I agree with this. Or at least that she's not as single as she lets on.

 

As for wanting to stay in and do things rather than go out, I read that in one of two ways: A: She's cheating on her partner and paranoid about being seen by someone she knows (despite the distance from her own home) B: She misses the domesticity of marriage and was trying to recreate that with you to bring herself some comfort. And then realized she's not ready to do that with anyone else yet.

 

I also agree with the poster above about you two being totally different. You're quite analytic and seem to want to look at the issues from all angles. She, on the other hand, doesn't want to discuss things at all. Not very compatible in the long run.

[confused40426]

So, everyone here can check his or her compass... and determine the level and accuracy of the advice given against some updates.

 

I fully expected that I'd either never hear from her again or to get the "I'm not interested in anything."

 

But a religious guy (religious, not perfect, yes I sin), I believe in the power of prayer. I asked God to simply show the way, give me a sign, some form of closure. Then I went back to work on some projects around the house. I swear that within 30 minutes, perhaps an hour, I got a text from her. She basically said she has been really sick, really busy, and thought about where she's at and what she wants. She canceled our rendezvous, saying she's not quite ready for this "yet." So, definitely closure, but still open...?? I asked if we could talk on the phone and she agreed. A nice long talk. She was clearly sick - no acting needed. Stuffy congested scratchy throat was obvious. We had a very long and overall positive talk.

 

Summary of the talk was that she was just divorced from a very possessive and controlling guy who tracked her movements... so she feels at peace NOT being on her phone answering to someone constantly. It was a very helpful talk - she opened up about her situation more, and that she made huge steps with the closure of getting all of her stuff and leaving one last time. She initially seemed that she was vague about totally shut down a situation between us, but when I explained everything, some of my dating concerns and issues in the past, we talked about the phone issues, etc. it all seemed to smooth over dramatically. I have had some negative experiences with inadequate communication in the past, that certainly shaped my world view on being ignored on the phone. Once I was able to explain that, we were more on the same page of understanding. We both agreed that we had deep personal and physical and intellectual chemistry.... she adamantly said as cliche as it sounds, it's not me, it's her and it's the timing. But she wasn't opposed to giving it some time...

 

Communication was really the key here. We were not on the same page and were both sending confusing mixed signals. Once we worked through all of that, she actually suggested that we get together when she feels better very soon... no relationship expectations, back to some light and carefree fun.

 

Who knows where this will lead, if anywhere short or long term. Even if nothing else occurs, I at least have some level of closure. This did confirm that she was sick and very busy in my view, and not out on the prowl. Other assurances were met over some concerns. I have no legitimate reason to mistrust this woman, and feel validated in totally believing her. Maybe the age difference or different place in life is too great, or maybe not. But this my heart and head are definitely in it with this woman - my feelings for her may be much stronger than she for me right now... but things can change over time. In time, she'll heal and get over her ex. Hopefully I'll be around and the guy she calls on. She is an amazing woman.

 

I've just got to play it more cool going forward... certainly going to be more protective of my emotional investment, a bit more cautious, and definitely more patient and understanding.

Edited September 25, 2014 by confused40426

[2sunny]

So why not make the next date at her house? You need to see what's happening in her world/life.

 

I still think she's lying.

[HappyLove]

So you're basically gonna ignore all you've seen from this woman? No one to blame but yourself next time.

[stillafool]

 

But this my heart and head are definitely in it with this woman - my feelings

for her may be much stronger than she for me right now... but things can change over time.

 

Since you feel this way I think you had better leave her alone because you will be begging for her to hurt you. She is only 26 and just out of a marriage where her husband acted like a parent. She is going to want to explore life and hang out with people her age. Please don't see her with the hope that you can make her fall for you because you will be terribly disappointed. Wouldn't it be easier to go forward and date others?

[Diezel]

I'm 40, and very experienced at dating. I totally understand how absurd it sounds ... the whole situation and the obvious shady-ness of it.

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

Given the rest of the thread......

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

Are you kidding me? She took your VERY experienced at dating and chewed it up, and spit it right back out at you. She got you hook, line, and sinker, and there you are... buying it right back up.

 

Ferris Bueller taught me how to "act sick" and you bought the "act".

 

Wow. I cannot believe how she has got you even claiming religiousness. You are in for a ROUGH and RUDE awakening.

 

Good luck pal.. this thread exists only as a monument to you wanting to hear whatever you want to hear and not to actually endure any actual advice.

[2sunny]

She's got you now.

 

You actually believe her - when you have NO evidence that proves she's divorced.

 

She uses words to her advantage and to your disadvantage.

 

She isn't INTO YOU enough to answer a text and phone calls... Yet you now expect it to be ok for you.

 

You're NOW trained to think little interaction from her is acceptable. She's trained you to settle down and find non interactive behavior acceptable.

 

And you're the needy and clingy type! So this isn't a good match based on dating styles.

 

Yet just because she called after DAYS of ignoring you she has you jumping for joy.

 

Blah, it looks desperate the way you're participating.

 

 

Do yourself a favor and don't text or call for at least a week or two.

 

You can train her to wait to hear from you too. In the meantime go out on 5-6 dates and stay busy.

 

But do NOT call her! She knows you've offered to be her doormat. No gal likes a doormat.

 

But next date with her needs to be at her place - you need solid evidence that what she says is real.

[Mike B.]

So, everyone here can check his or her compass... and determine the level and accuracy of the advice given against some updates.

 

After reading all of this, I doubt this claim that you make. This strikes me as an attempt to continue to validate a hopeless situation and thread. I agree with the above poster. You are just fishing for what you want to hear.

This situation strongly illuminates a picture of desperation and loneliness. Because of this, rather than try to do what others attempted to do here by giving you a verbal slap in the face and splash of cold water, I will only wish you good luck.

[pteromom]

Just want to add that even if she slinks away and you never hear from her again, that doesn't necessarily mean that she lied to you or used you.

 

She may have really WANTED to be with you, and meant everything she said about not wanting to play games and not being into a rebound relationship.

 

But it could be that due to her marriage, she is just not capable at this point.