I need proper closure to get over my A

[2sunny]

Those are good questions to ask myself. Part of me wants to tell him off for leading me on this last time around but the other part feels like I should just leave it. I will run into him again. Our familes are friends. It will be so awkward if I never get to say a proper goodbye.

 

I think it's likely to be MORE awkward if you say goodbye.

 

Your families get together. No need to make more drama with words.

 

Just make it clear with actions that you don't want anything's further from him.

[goodyblue]

Your problems will really begin when your husband finds out that not only have you been cheating on him but that it is with a friend of his. You will have a lot more to worry about than your addiction to the illicit excitement.

If you think he does not want to have sex with you now, when the **** hits the can you might be worrying about his attorneys next contact instead of your boyfriend.

At this point you have gotten away with this. If you are smart you will end it and then make the hard decision to confess before he finds out down the road.

That is unlikely and you will most likely destroy your family for the high you are getting.

This is not beating you up . I am giving you sensible advice. But co think what you are looking for here is encouragement o. How to continue to betray your husband

 

Disclosure is a hotly debated topic on this forum. I am at the opposite end of the spectrum. There have been a few times in extreme cases where I have said I thought it may be best to disclose, but in cases like yours, I am of the opinion that you move on, try to rekindle things with your hubby if you plan to stay, don't say a word. I think it will only make things worse. The affair is over, move forward and try not to look back. I think you are very brave to take the steps you have taken and I hope so much that you figure things out with your husband (if that is your desire) and find a happier place. Of course how you deal with disclosure, or non disclosure, is up to you. xx

 

Good luck!!!

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

After writing my post and reading some of the replies, I decided its finally time to delete our Facebook account. I also blocked him from my regular Facebook account. I thought I would be sad, but I'm relieved. No more wondering when/if hes going to message me.

 

Time to close that chapter of my life and move on and never look back.

 

I am happy for you, and I knew you could do it!

 

I hope things turn around with H... Don't press him, just take your time and don't give up. As, it will be a bit disheartening at times. Just know that your attempts are not wasted in any way. As each attempt is your passionate love and your strength to be with him.

 

Time to exchange some sensuous massages with each other, or what ever you can to celibate.

[Be_Strong]

Yeah OP ignore the bitter response. I know I needed closure. You cannot be with someone intimately and just cut it out your head\heart.

 

I'm NC right now but we meet occasionally sometimes talking. He told me in a sad voice he was "trying to get on with his life". I wish he had looked happy, just said he was OK and making it better as that would've given me closure. He looked sht. I don't get why bother!!

I think you and many other OW fool yourself with this kind of reasoning. No matter what the man's response, you would have interpreted it in a way that would have prevented closure. For example, in your situation, if he had said he was happy and doing good, you would likely have felt insulted that he was able to move on and be happy without you and questioned whether he ever truly loved you as much as you thought, etc.

 

The "closure" truly happens in your own mind when you accept it's over. Sometimes a specific event triggers that closure, other times the closure happens without any outside event occurring. A feeling in a woman that she still needs "closure" indicates that she is still hanging on to the relationship. The "last meeting" that she thinks will bring her closure, usually just makes the separation more difficult and achieves the opposite of closure.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Honestly, I think that this isn't an OW-only problem so I'm not sure why it's being made to sound that way. And a lot of the time isn't that the issue is that they don't feel like the relationship is over, but they feel like that life post-relationship hasn't been settled, or issues surrounding the breakup haven't been resolved. If those feelings are internal (why did he move on so quickly? Why did he do X, Y, Z?, Why do I feel this way?) or external (I thought by now he'd have moved on, why hasn't he? What do I need to do to end this? ) all depends on the situation.

 

Either way, the need for closure after any relationship is natural, including one where there was an affair. While I didn't need to seek closure in our affair because we got married, there were certainly relationships where I felt no closure despite knowing definitively the relationship was over. Frankly, there are relationships that looking back now, I just didn't get closure on them. I moved on, I know the relationship is over, and I don't ever think about the relationship, but if I had to pinpoint when that a-ha moment of closure came... I wouldn't have it.

 

With an affair, where there's so many emotions, so much risk, sacrifice, so much comrade in the secretiveness of the relationship, the intimate bonds... Honestly, that's the watermarks of a relationship that would need some pretty resounding closure before it felt complete. If my affair had ended badly, I'd have needed closure. And at the points where I did think the relationship may be ending, I certainly craved some sort of closure or understanding.

[Be_Strong]

Redheaded Mistress, you are correct that the need for closure is not unique to affair relationships. I think the problem of closure is more pressing with affairs than typical relationships though. At the end of a normal relationship, it is usually very clear that one or both of the parties wants to end the relationship because of an issue with the other party (such as not liking the other person anymore). With the end of affairs, it is so common for the parties to still profess love for the other partner but try to end the relationship because of other circumstances such as not wanting to break up their family. And even where an AP wants to end the affair because they don't like the other person anymore, instead of being honest about that fact, they take the easy way out and blame their life circumstances to try to spare the other person's feelings. So it's so much harder to let go when in the mind of the OW there is this strong bond of love between two people that is simply being frustrated by the circumstances of life. Alternatively, if not in an affair, a boyfriend could simply tell his girlfriend, "I'm not interested in you anymore" and then the girlfriend cries for a while but gets over it and moves on.

[Bittersweetie]

I agree that closure isn't only an affair issue. As I mentioned in my earlier post, my best girlfriend from college suddenly ended our relationship with no explanation. For years (years!!!) I wondered, what did I do? Did I say something? Why did she act that way? If only I could talk to her and find out...

 

Of course I didn't talk with her, and I never found out why she acted the way she did. When xOM stopped talking to me, and was so rude, I began to think the same things: what did I do? Why did he act that way?

 

And I realized I didn't want to carry those questions and hurt for years like I did with my friend. So I worked on closure, myself, with both situations. It's how I realized that in life there's going to be questions that will never be answered.

 

I'm so glad, nikki, that you deleted the account and that you are moving forward.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Closure is overrated.

 

It is external validation driven. Nothing more.

 

When one passes into the adult world we trust our own processes of what something meant or didn't mean to US. We understand that others might have come to different conclusions based on their own processes of what it meant to THEM. We don't need to brow beat someone to get them to agree.

 

And quite frankly, over means just that. Over. Do the reasons really matter? Why waste ones life deciphering someone else's thought processes. A fools errand.

[Pinklotus]

Your closure comes from within. Any other meetings will just prolong it. It won't make you feel any better. A swift ending is better. Work on yourself and your marriage.

 

The lack of physical closeness and passion that you are experiencing with your husband is not just due to sex or attraction. Emotions bring that physical passion to life. Go to counseling and find each other again.

 

I doubted that MC would help my marriage. I was too much in the fog of an EA to believe it. But lo and behold, I very quickly realized that our marriage was worth saving and that the counseling would bring us closer together. Just the act of going together made us stronger!

 

Affair emotions are confusing. They feel so real and so strong, but they aren't based in reality.

 

Whichever relationship you choose to work on is the one that will flourish and grow.

[nightmare01]

Thats exactly what my i guess now xAP and I lack from our marriage, was that physical touch and affection.

I did reach out and tell my H how I felt there was no more spark and I did try sexting and lingerie and of course, he loved it. but i just don't feel that spark with him. Its so frustrating, that for YEARS, my husband would always want sex and i would usually turn him down. Now I want it all the time, and hes the one thats turning me down. he could go days without even touching me or hugging me. when we go to sleep, we sleep at opposite sides of the bed and give each other a peck goodnite. I want that passion, that attraction that lust.

 

First of all, your OM is definitely NOT your BH friend. A friend doesn't sleep with his friend's wife.

 

Does your BH know of your affair? If not, then I suspect what you are feeling is a lack of an emotional connection. To have that connection and be truly intimate, you have to be open with each other, and you're not doing that.

 

If your BH does not know of your affair then you are holding back from him and continuing to lie. As long as there are lies between you and him you can never be really intimate, and will never have that emotional connection.

 

IMO I think you need to cut all ties and communication to OM. Then tell your BH of the affair and come completely clean - this part will likely ensure NC with the OM. He needs to be out of both your lives forever.