Wife cheated, got pregnant, had abortion.

[Spectre]

Oldshirt, first of all she didn't have to have an abortion. I just told her that I won't raise the child as it's not mine and that if she wants to have it it's her choice but I won't be paying for it, and the OM is useless and can't even provide for his own family, so naturally she decided to have an abortion...

I am a doormat, but I am not raising someone else's child..

 

You did the right thing..you should NOT have to raise some scumbags child. Your time, energy, and money should not go to such things.

 

I also say judge people by the company they keep..the fact that she picked a guy who can't even support his own family and is overall a loser just speaks volumes.

 

What she wants is to 'have her cake and eat it' so to speak..things would fall apart without me as I am the guy juggling all the balls. Even though she may threaten divorce, I doubt she would risk the stability she has now and mess up her kids future and security. Either way it's too late, the damage is done and long term there is no repairing this.

 

I have to say I like the fact that she is going to be in such bad shape without you(financially speaking and such anyways). Maybe it will teach her a lesson. Though sometimes people this selfish can't be taught lessons, but either way it will be a huge wake up call for her.

 

Planning is very important. There are a lot of things I have already done.

 

* finances are in order.

* made copies of all important documents.

* made a note of all my wife's friends/ addresses / contacts etc.

 

Legal representation, creating a new life, there is a lot more that I have to organize..but I am trying...

 

I just do not get why you have to "create a new life" before you go through with this divorce? I still think the longer you wait to do so the worse it gets. If your goal is to keep this information from her until you are ready to share it..also consider the fact that the longer you take the higher the chance is she will find out what you are up to before you want her to know. Which in a way puts the ball back in her court a bit because if she knows ahead of time she can try to take additional action against you.

[HurtHusband]

Hello,

 

Please remember that I am not in 'the west' there is NO family law here,

Or law governing visitation. I stood up to my wife tonight, this is rare for me..of course it felt good..but the result was horrible...she does not like to be challenged, she said she would divorce me and raise our kids, that I could move out. I said I love our kids and want to see them, she said I could see them once a month..I work at my eldest girls school,i drive her to school and see everyday..I reminded her of this fact and she said she would take my daughter out of the school and change schools..our daughter was sitting nearby and immediately became distressed hearing this....she is only 4 but very smart and speaks both languages and very intuitive.

 

Also my wife said to our eldest, "mommy doesn't like daddy anymore"...this really got to me..I remember she did this once before. This distressed our child, and she burst into tears...I had to pick her up and tell her, we were just talking and everything is ok..she said 'I love you daddy'. This is a glimpse of what could happen if we separate..the children would be likely brainwashed into thinking their mother is the victim and it's all daddy's fault..totally horrible to say such a thing to a young child and involve her...I am totally disgusted with my wife.

 

Later in the evening we went out to her friends reunion, we brought our kids, we had some drinks..I am glad this happened..it will overshadow the above incident, paper over the cracks...I am always curious to see what happens if I challenge her, but there is no doubt in my mind..she will discard me in the blink of an eye..

 

It may be hard for people here reading this to understand how selfish and cold a human she can be..I can hardly believe it myself sometimes...13 years, 2 beautiful children, but total disregard for me and our marriage...she just doesn't care...I was present at the birth of both of our children, I made a vow then to always be with them and to protect them, I have been with them everyday since they were born ( except when my mother passed and I had to go home) and I work like a dog to provide for them..and here is some selfish cow threatening me? Telling me I can only see them once a month ( she can do this, in this crazy country she is the judge and jury) family courts have no power..

 

Many folk here, do not understand how I can stay in a relationship which is let's me honest, abusive..I do it for my kids..I love them..it's sad that all of our years and all my efforts as a father count for nothing..she is selfish in the extreme and could kick me out tomorrow if she wanted..it could all be gone in the blank of an eye...forget reconciliation, and you can't build a solid long term relationship when anytime there is a problem, you talk and then your threatened with divorce, this is slavery plain and simple...

 

I wish she never confessed...I mean I was unhappy before but I assumed she was faithful..now I have to deal with knowing what she did, her appalling deception, and the fact that I can't trust her and there will likely be more problems ahead..I mean I worry about my kids feelings if I had custody and they couldn't see their mother, that tears me up..but she would kick me out in a heartbeat and not lose sleep or worry about the effect it would have on our children....I am beginning to really really hate her...

 

If I am ever to 'get out' than I will have to suck up to her, wine and dine her, but I know her, what she likes, I feel abit like Andy dufraine in they 'shawshank redemption' where you can see he's a broken man shuffling about and the bullying warden throws his shoes on the ground and asks him to clean them...I suppose 'time in the hole' is like the threat of divorce for me...

 

I know of the average 160,000 parents who go through divorce here yearly and are cut out of their kids lives...doesn't matter if your right or wrong, who's at fault or whether you want to see your kids or not...if it ever happens to me here in this country, than I have nothing to lose...I won't accept it..I mean i have felt so depressed I thought about suicide, maybe not seriously, but instead of killing myself, I would prefer to take a chance..to plan to execute...I will not give it to selfish tyranny..

 

For all the parents who can't see their children and for the parents overseas whose wives fled back here with their kids..they all cling to hope..the hope that you can reunite with your kids..but the truth is, you never get your kids back in this country..you might see them sporadically if your lucky, but the bonds are broken, calls go unanswered, Skype chats suddenly turned off..you have no recourse.. Remember joint custody is non existent here, you hanging around and wanting to see your kids is like a nuisance to your ex, like a bad smell,

if you see your kids when their over 20, than they are grown adults, your a stranger to them and they are probably so brainwashed and use to hearing the 'mommys a victim daddy's a bad man narrative' that they won't even want do know you...I know all of this...I know many people in this position..

 

If this happens than I will fight and fight to prevent it and if that involves breaking laws etc. than so be it...An unjust law is no law..sorry to go all dramatic..but I refuse to be number 160,001...none of us know how long we have...our time is our most precious resource...take my kids away and you are taking my life away...I will never never never give up....

[Spectre]

Holy hell, she said to one of your children "mommy doesn't like daddy anymore". My god..you might of genuinely been in a relationship with a female incarnation of the devil.

 

You have amazing self control, if I was married and had a kid and my wife said that to my kid about me? Less then 10 seconds later she would already be booted out to the curb and within the hour I would of already been talking to a divorce lawyer.

 

This woman deserves to be divorced and this is a rare case where I say she 100% deserves to have her children taken away and to not get any custody at all. A parent who could be so cruel to say that to their kid is just a terrible parent overall.

Edited October 4, 2014 by Spectre

[HurtHusband]

I have to have self control..it's not easy trust me...in some ways I am glad I have work so that I can be away from her. She owns the place we live in ( inherited) I pay the rent and have done so for years since we started having kids...I agree it's not nice to manipulate the kids, my eldest obviously loves both of us, no need to say such a thing....

[Hobbes' wagon]

What does your lawyer say about the possibility of:

1. Taking the kids to America one day in the future?

2. Making a contract with her under which you'd pay a certain amount to her every month, and in return you'd get to have the kids xy days a month? Would that work under the Japanese legal system?

[Try]

Please remember that I am not in 'the west' there is NO family law here, Or law governing visitation.

Your wife has hosed you about Japanese divorce law. In divorce, as long as you intend to stay in the country, you are in a far better position than she claims. An article titled “What’s right and wrong with divorce in Japan” states the following that directly applies to you.

 

“The last resort is a “hanketsu rikon,” which is also finalized by the family court judge, but can only be concluded upon a showing of particular legal facts such as infidelity, cruelty or unwarranted denial of sexual intercourse. The parties can reach a settlement during the final court process, in which case their agreement is called a “wakai rikon”; this system was introduced in the past decade and has become a not-uncommon way to resolve marital disputes.

 

It’s a common misconception that mothers always get custody after a Japanese divorce. In reality, fathers end up with custody in a significant percentage of cases. In fact, until the 60’s, they were more likely to get custody than mothers.”

 

Below is a link to the quoted article:

 

What?s right and wrong with divorce in Japan | Mutantfrog Travelogue

[HurtHusband]

Thank you for your replies..but the reality is very different.

The only reason a father would be given custody is if the ex was incarcerated at the time..'joint custody' is not recognized in this country. The sole custodial parent ( most of the time the mother) has full power to decide how often/when the father sees his kids or to bar contact indefinitely. So a promise that you can see your child from your ex, is as good as a promise written on a napkin..not worth a ****.

 

For example when my wife confessed, there was a hint of regret and for once she seemed apologetic..she said I could move out if I wanted to and that I could see the kids anytime i want...

 

Now a month later, I am talking to her about her infidelity when she gets stressed out and suddenly says, I'll divorce you and you can see the kids, once a month...so there you have it..it could change like the weather, nothing is guaranteed, my rights or the kids rights to see their dad are not acknowledged/or protected by any law..basically I am just tied to a selfish inconsiderate cow who lacks empathy and does not regret her actions because there have been no repercussions and I have no power to do anything..

Edited October 9, 2014 by HurtHusband

[HereNorThere]

Do you really think a woman as selfish as her is going to give up her freedom to watch and haul around kids full time while she knows you are out there doing whatever you want?

 

I've seen this time and time again. Women threaten to keep you from the kids to manipulate, but the first time she finds out you have a new girlfriend, on vacation or just have more freedom than her, she'll turn it around on you make you feel like a deadbeat for not seeing your kids.

 

I'd call that b*tches bluff. She's thinks you're scared, because, well, you are.

 

You are using those children as a way to rationalize or justify your co-dependent behavior.

 

Stop.

Edited October 10, 2014 by HereNorThere

[HurtHusband]

Thank you ( herenotthere) you are totally correct.. I read your reply everyday to give me strenght

[Spectre]

 

For example when my wife confessed, there was a hint of regret and for once she seemed apologetic..she said I could move out if I wanted to and that I could see the kids anytime i want...

 

Now a month later, I am talking to her about her infidelity when she gets stressed out and suddenly says, I'll divorce you and you can see the kids, once a month...so there you have it..it could change like the weather, nothing is guaranteed, my rights or the kids rights to see their dad are not acknowledged/or protected by any law..basically I am just tied to a selfish inconsiderate cow who lacks empathy and does not regret her actions because there have been no repercussions and I have no power to do anything..

 

Yep, sounds like a terrible she-devil. You don't need a divorce lawyer, you need to pick yourself up a dungeons and dragons guidebook or something so it can tell you how to get this foul beast out of your life for good. I hear silver works wonders.

[spanz1]

she had unprotected sex with her affair partner because she viewed him as a higher sexual grade partner than you are, and wanted (subconsciously) to have his child. she does not want to have sex with you because you are lower sexual rank, and she is probably being faithful still to the affair partner, or another one you do not know about yet.

 

think about that....unprotected sex, no birth control, for him. and she thought about trying to trick you into raising the kid.

 

the only thing good is she had some pang of conscience and told you.

 

so there is a glimmer of hope in her action, but a TON of disrespect. Not sure if you can recover from something like that. Did she tell you WHY she had to have an affair?

[spanz1]

 

Now a month later, I am talking to her about her infidelity when she gets stressed out and suddenly says, I'll divorce you and you can see the kids, once a month...so there you have it..it could change like the weather, nothing is guaranteed, my rights or the kids rights to see their dad are not acknowledged/or protected by any law..basically I am just tied to a selfish inconsiderate cow who lacks empathy and does not regret her actions because there have been no repercussions and I have no power to do anything..

 

she is still having affairs. that is obvious. Why won't you divorce her? when the reality of her being single with kids hits her, she will be BEGGING you to take the kids.

[merrmeade]

Some things you just can't compromise, even for the kids, maybe even because of the kids. Self-respect is no. 1 on that list.

[spanz1]

she is still having affairs. that is obvious. Why won't you divorce her? when the reality of her being single with kids hits her, she will be BEGGING you to take the kids.

 

yes, her cutting you off from sex is a pretty clear indication she is getting banged by someone else. Maybe not the OM you know, but another one.

 

She offered for you to go have sex with some other woman just to let her off the hook, justify why she was still screwing other men.

 

time to get the heck out of Dodge.

 

DNA test the existing kids, then see your lawyer about a divorce. time to shut down this freak show.

 

one last thing, your mega lying wife told you she called the OM's wife and told her, and she left him with her kids. How do you know this to be true, other than what a proven liar told you?? Contact the OM's wife yourself, and make sure she knows there was an affair. I bet she will be quite surprised when you tell her!

Edited October 25, 2014 by spanz1

[2sunny]

You need to DNA test your kids.

 

Your wife threatened your life by putting you at risk for diseases.

 

I agree with dating now - she doesn't deserve you and she's proven the marriage is already over. I never suggest dating until the D is final but your M was over long ago. She's been using you for a long time but that's because you allowed it. I bet she's cheated before. And what money you earn do not give it to your wife. Keep it separate where she can't get it. Cut off her credit access too. If she spends have her pay for it herself.

 

She's most likely still seeing the OM - especially since she told his wife and now isn't with her. That would explain her obsession with her phone. Either that or she might have a new OM - but my money is on the relationship still going with the OM who was your friend.

 

Don't think this is her first time cheating - that's not likely.

 

 

Did you check at the embassy yet? You need info from them. Do not take your wife word for anything - she's a blatant liar. She's also the enemy now. Have you obtained the passports? You need those ASAP and do not tell your wife where you keep them once they arrive!

[oldshirt]

Do you really think a woman as selfish as her is going to give up her freedom to watch and haul around kids full time while she knows you are out there doing whatever you want?

 

I've seen this time and time again. Women threaten to keep you from the kids to manipulate, but the first time she finds out you have a new girlfriend, on vacation or just have more freedom than her, she'll turn it around on you make you feel like a deadbeat for not seeing your kids.

 

I'd call that b*tches bluff. She's thinks you're scared, because, well, you are.

 

You are using those children as a way to rationalize or justify your co-dependent behavior.

 

Stop.

 

 

I agree with this as well. Let her have the kids. She's so self entered she'll be begging for you to take them at times.

 

But here's another thought. Is there a way to turn this around and use Japanese custom to your advantage?

 

Japan is a patriarchal society right? I get it that the divorce laws may favor the divorced mother in regards to child custody but isn't marital law heavily favored towards the men and father?

 

Married men fck everything that can't run faster than them in Japan right? And short of actual physical harm and murder men can pretty much do whatever they want with their wives and kids right?

 

So why not stay married to the bitch, cut her down to a shoestring budget that barely puts enough food in her mouth to get her through the day, have her raise the kids in the manner you want and in the mean time you go out and do whatever you want and keep her at home being the good little mammasan while you enjoy life.

 

If she tries to divorce you, fight it. Say you want to keep an intact home and family anfpd that she'd be happy if she were just a better and more devoted wife and mother and keep her legs closed with other men.

 

Keep her down, keep her married, keep her at home with no money and no resources while you live the life of Riley and in time she'll be begging you for a divorce and will agree to whatever terms you want.

 

Fight fire with fire and beat her at her own bitch game. She can be a bitch as long as you are a bigger *********.

[beach]

You could stay married to her and be with the kids but work only one job and act AS IF you are single.

 

Redefine your idea of being married to her, so to speak...

[oldshirt]

You could stay married to her and be with the kids but work only one job and act AS IF you are single.

 

Redefine your idea of being married to her, so to speak...

 

Yup ^^^^^^^

 

 

Currently she is the one calling the shots and she will have the upper hand post divorce.

 

 

Flip that around and YOU call the shots and keep her in the marriage so you have the upper hand.

 

Cut off her money supply and free time but don't grant the divorce.

 

........at least not yet. In ten years maybe.

 

That may seem like a long time now but it will go by in the blink of an eye if you are out partying and living it up doing your own thing.

 

Think of it like a wrestling reversal, go from being pinned down and being ground into the mat, to flipping it around and being the one top doing to dominating.

[beach]

Yup ^^^^^^^

 

 

Currently she is the one calling the shots and she will have the upper hand post divorce.

 

 

Flip that around and YOU call the shots and keep her in the marriage so you have the upper hand.

 

Cut off her money supply and free time but don't grant the divorce.

 

........at least not yet. In ten years maybe.

 

That may seem like a long time now but it will go by in the blink of an eye if you are out partying and living it up doing your own thing.

 

Think of it like a wrestling reversal, go from being pinned down and being ground into the mat, to flipping it around and being the one top doing to dominating.

 

Sure! Just start living as though she doesn't exist.

 

Take your daughters out without her.

 

Go out and about without her. Don't answer ANY questions she asks you.

 

Work less and play more! But don't tell her any of it.

 

She will want more info from you but don't tell - treat her like the enemy/stranger she's become.

 

And don't have sex with her any more - she could get pregnant again and you want to be sure it's not yours.

 

Begin dating! But be honest with women that you're still married.

[oldshirt]

Sure! Just start living as though she doesn't exist.

 

Take your daughters out without her.

 

Go out and about without her. Don't answer ANY questions she asks you.

 

Work less and play more! But don't tell her any of it.

 

She will want more info from you but don't tell - treat her like the enemy/stranger she's become.

 

And don't have sex with her any more - she could get pregnant again and you want to be sure it's not yours.

 

Begin dating! But be honest with women that you're still married.

 

 

 

Treat her as if she were the live-in maid and babysitter so you can live your life to the fullest.

 

 

maid and babysitter, that's all she is. Anything that comes out of her mouth is falling on deaf ears. She gets no say anymore. Wives get a say, maids and babysitters do not.

 

 

Give her an allowance to cover her biological needs and maybe enough to get her out of the house for an hour so periodically so you can have the house with the kids if you want but basically she is there to take care of the kids so you can do whatever you want.

[HurtHusband]

Well TBH I am sick of thinking about 'her' and at this stage I couldn't give a hoot. I am starting to get past giving a f^*+ To add insult to injury she is also insulting. Last week she went out for lunch with some of the other mothers. I phoned her, and asked her how was lunch etc. apparently she doesn't like this..she knows I don't trust her. But asking etc. keeping tabs on her.. She doesn't like that...I mean she is genuinely meeting the other mothers..but she could also be meeting some other man. Who knows...It's possible, but I have to stop caring. The only thing she has proven to me is the following..

 

1. She is capable of lying and being deceitful.

 

Sure she promises she won't cheat, and I tell her to respect our marriage etc. but her word is 'dirt'. A big part of it is that she doesn't feel that much regret for cheating, she feels somewhat justified in having a fling because looking after 2 kids is hard work so she thinks she deserved some excitement. Believe me, it's a shock when you come this far in your marriage and you have two kids, and suddenly all the rules change and everything gets turned upside down...

 

 

Of course after an affair your trust would be shattered..she called me 'soft' and a 'wimp' so the message is clear really..just back off..and stop caring..in the house things are normal and the kids are happy..she can go 'out to lunch' while I go to work and I really don't care and I won't enquire...

 

In the meantime I have talked to other women who are interested in me..I am not looking for an affair, but I need to repair my confidence and self esteem cause I felt so rejected, broken and worthless.

[aliveagain]

You can change this anytime you want. Dig yourself out of this hole and stop wasting your life on her. Your children will always be your children and regardless of what she may tell them one day they will be old enough to make their own decisions. You have one life friend, you deserve so much better than being married to a lying, cheating blackmailer that uses your own children against you

.

[Fearful]

Op, your situation need no venting but action. Unfortunately you are not yet ready for action because your wife have you under control. You will never move forward untill you break the shackle of slavery you get yourself into. Your wife did n't just turn into a munster she have alway being. For now, you have zero self worth and no any other woman will raise it for you unless you do. Your greatest fear is divorce and its ensuing consequence. Your wife knows this and can always use it to blackmail you into silence. If you don't defeat your fear, in 10years time, you will still be in this same spot or in a deeper ****. In a year or two she is going to get pregnant for another man and you cant do anything about it. She is your slave-master and when you have outlived your usefulness she will dump you like a piece of trash. Iam a Nigerian and Nigerian situation in terms of marital abuse from both spouses is even more worst than that of Japan but men are still men. Your master(wife) is bad and does not know the meaning of goodness. She sees any act of kindness from your part as being stupid. So stop your 'stupidity' and start treating her the way oldshirt and others adviced. Your wife can leave you but your children will never leave even when they are taken away from provided they are 'truely' yours. You think every thing is normal in your house and you are enduring your wife's cheating and bad behaviour because of the children but that is not true. You are also a factor in long term destruction of your kid. In a stable home, father and mother don't act the way you do so you are setting a very bad example for your kids. Sorry if it sound too harsh, you are not helping your children, you are only using them for your emotional support. Your have have withdrawn from you emotionally and physically, so you need the kid for your emotional stability and harmony. Your staying married to this wicked woman have a more serious negative implication on the moral code development and emotional maturity and security of your kids than you divorcing this woman even if that will amount to not having much contact with your children. If your wife is what you described here, she may never want to be saddle with the complete burden of caring for the kids so she will never block you out of the life of your kids after divorce. Divorce her now before she divorce you and kick you out of her house even with your rental payment.

[Georgia2014]

Hello,

 

We are 36 and 34, have been together 13 years and have two wonderful young daughters who we both love. My wife had a short affair ( less than 2 months) with a womanizing manipulator who was my friend also by the way. He tried to turn her against me, and at the same time encouraged me to flirt/have affairs with other women ( I didn't) anyway my wife quickly woke up and realized he was a scumbag.

 

She confessed the affair to me. Unfortunately they didn't use protection and she got pregnant. She has had an abortion. He told her to f*^k off and have the child, or to pretend it's my child! ( nice guy eh..he is married with one child.. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage who he has no contact with. Also according to my wife, 5 women who he has had relationships with ended up having to have abortions. He portrays himself as a victim of family courts etc. in order to get sympathy, but in reality he seems seriously damaged and his behavior is reckless and abhorrent )

 

 

After my wife confessed, I said I want us to build a new relationship and to be open and honest with each other, to talk more and also spend more time together. We also became intimate again.. I think I went through the 'hysterical bonding' phase..your angry but at the same time, being intimate is the only thing that feels real. It's the first time my wife cheated, I know it wasn't just about sex for her..in fairness he is a dangerous manipulator and he knew personal details about us as I trusted him and thought he was my friend.

 

Of course I am hurt and feel betrayed but I also love our children and if we can build a better relationship and get past this incident than I want to....

 

It's hard for me to fathom my wife's ideas about intimacy..she is reluctantly intimate with me. We did not have sex for almost three yrs, since our youngest child was born,

 

( I wanted to..but she was always tired or there was some other excuse..we were intimate and I accepted this, of course I felt unloved and sad, I don't think she considered my needs )

 

than suddenly a month ago she produced some baby oil and wanted to have sex..this was a week before she confessed..seems like she was going to pretend that I was the father but must have had a change of heart..still it shocks me that she would even consider something like that...

 

She gets stressed at the mere mention of sex...she told me today if I want to have sex just do it with other women and she won't be angry!! I find this quite a shocking thing to say. If she was physically incapable of sex I might understand but I want to love my wife and do not want to have to resort to having affairs to satisfy my physical needs....

 

Counseling or a sex therapist is not an option, when I asked her would she be willing to have one session with a counsellor, she said no, you go by yourself.

 

It's painful and depressing but I am coming to the realization that my wife DOES NOT love me, she can't possibly love me if she acts like this...I work 2~3 jobs, am a total hands on dad, we go out every weekend as a family, I pay all the bills and look after my family.

 

In our 13 years together I have never once threatened her with the word divorce, I respect our marriage and would not say something like that, however I walk on egg shells and am afraid to challenge her as she will threaten me with divorce.

 

All of this is very hard to deal with, I have had to go to work and just put my feelings aside. Things are normal at home and my wife can just carry on like nothing happened..but for me this is all crazy and I am dealing with all this **** in my head. I will do anything for my kids and family, but I think I am being treated like a fool and this is much harder to accept...

 

Why don't you want a divorce? She lied to you and cheated she can't be trusted. She got herself pregnant and was going to pretend the child was your child. Sure she confessed but the point is she thought about passing the child off as yours. She gets stressed over sex? Why would she get stressed over sex? You pay for everything and you get no sex. To top it off your wife said you could have sex with other woman. She is just using you as a meal ticket. Why would you want to be in a loveless marriage?

[happyman64]

she called me 'soft' and a 'wimp'

 

And what consequences have you shown her that will show her you are not a wimp or soft.

 

Ignoring her, the issues or her "lunches" will only let these problems fester.