Another bombshell dropped by Ex Husband

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree with the above post. May not necessarily be the best idea to let him back. He has already deserted you once. Being together means staying so through thick and thin. His going off to a younger woman was not what you needed. Nor, what you deserved at all. You deserve someone who will step up to the plate at all times. Not only when it is convenient.

 

 

Suggests that he has a selfish reason for wanting to return. Being with someone you do not love nor have a great relationship toward is not what may be best for your kids. It is then just having two bodies inside of the room. Kids are very observant and will notice what we do not even realize. They will not see what healthy love is if you let him back into your life.

 

 

The hardest thing I had to ever do was leave my bipolar ex and her daughter. I am a teacher and kids mean the world to me. Stayed even when times were most terrible. Just because of general guilt. I felt that the daughter was better off with me around. Then, I realized it was the worst possible thing. Leaving was the best solution for all involved since I did not love her mom. Not a perfect solution in any possible way. No specific solution right now will be perfect. Not even the one you have right now.

 

 

Thus, we have to put all things in perspective. It sounds as if you would consider taking him back for the kids. Not necessarily because you actually still love him. I would be very careful with letting him perhaps have another choice.

 

Ill only say that there are parts of your post I do not agree with...

 

Unless there is actual physical abuse or constant fighting, its probably still best that the family stays together as a unit..

 

Divorce is never good for kids...Kids are selfish by nature...They dont care if either parent is happy or not, they are only concerned with what is best for them..You dont learn concern and compassion for the plight of others until much later in life..

 

Divorced people want to feel good about thier decision so they say things like kids are resilient, blah, blah...They arent...And bringing other people into their lives-especially when they are young, just confuses them and is worse than parents who are "checked out" but still care and are unified by their children..

 

I had a horrible childhood and my parents never got along,...But when they finally split-thats when the shyt really hit the fan for us all...It was horrible..Even though it was dysfuctional, there is no doubt it would have been "better" if they hung on...But I dont resent them at this point...It is what it is...

 

Thats my opinion ...Ill stand by it till the end..That being said, it still is every right for someone not to take someone back after a betrayal....Its a tough thing...People often reconcile for the kids and its a noble gesture, quite frankly...Kids are our responsibility...sometimes we have to do things we dont like to see that they survive to adulthood..

 

TFY

Edited September 20, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[travelbug1996]

What happens when he meets another woman half his age and wants to leave his family?

 

I wouldn't waste my time. He didn't say he wanted to come back for you, he said for the kids. Not the same and you probably won't be happy.

[preraph]

Yeah....you're wrong.

 

I know this sounds crazy, but a lot of dads actually...you know...love their kids. Great contribution, though. Thanks for your insight.

 

Loving them and wanting to do the childcare are two different things. Most women I've known end up divorcing because the man isn't willing to do much childcare or domestic work -- but then they want custody and are suddenly great child caretakers? I'm not saying there aren't exceptions. My neighbor is a great stay-at-home dad doing the biggest part of the childcare. But in divorce cases involving kids, sorry but I've seen the legal transcripts for over 20 years now, and they don't lie. If I were a woman divorcing, I'd insist on 50/50 joint custody. It's easy to love kids. That's the easy part.

[RonaldS]

Loving them and wanting to do the childcare are two different things. Most women I've known end up divorcing because the man isn't willing to do much childcare or domestic work -- but then they want custody and are suddenly great child caretakers? I'm not saying there aren't exceptions. My neighbor is a great stay-at-home dad doing the biggest part of the childcare. But in divorce cases involving kids, sorry but I've seen the legal transcripts for over 20 years now, and they don't lie. If I were a woman divorcing, I'd insist on 50/50 joint custody. It's easy to love kids. That's the easy part.

 

Do you have kids?

[thefooloftheyear]

Loving them and wanting to do the childcare are two different things. Most women I've known end up divorcing because the man isn't willing to do much childcare or domestic work -- but then they want custody and are suddenly great child caretakers? I'm not saying there aren't exceptions. My neighbor is a great stay-at-home dad doing the biggest part of the childcare. But in divorce cases involving kids, sorry but I've seen the legal transcripts for over 20 years now, and they don't lie. If I were a woman divorcing, I'd insist on 50/50 joint custody. It's easy to love kids. That's the easy part.

 

Most guys would take that deal in a heartbeat...The problem is that someone(in the overwhelming majoritty of cases-the guy), has to pay for all of this fun and games.. and there just arent enough hours in the day...

 

TFY

[thekid36]

Ill only say that there are parts of your post I do not agree with...

 

Unless there is actual physical abuse or constant fighting, its probably still best that the family stays together as a unit..

 

Divorce is never good for kids...Kids are selfish by nature...They dont care if either parent is happy or not, they are only concerned with what is best for them..You dont learn concern and compassion for the plight of others until much later in life..

 

Divorced people want to feel good about thier decision so they say things like kids are resilient, blah, blah...They arent...And bringing other people into their lives-especially when they are young, just confuses them and is worse than parents who are "checked out" but still care and are unified by their children..

 

I had a horrible childhood and my parents never got along,...But when they finally split-thats when the shyt really hit the fan for us all...It was horrible..Even though it was dysfuctional, there is no doubt it would have been "better" if they hung on...But I dont resent them at this point...It is what it is...

 

Thats my opinion ...Ill stand by it till the end..That being said, it still is every right for someone not to take someone back after a betrayal....Its a tough thing...People often reconcile for the kids and its a noble gesture, quite frankly...Kids are our responsibility...sometimes we have to do things we dont like to see that they survive to adulthood..

 

TFY

 

What a total shock that is! Someone not agreeing with what I post on here? Why stay together if someone in the situation is not happy? Does an adult not deserve happiness? Sounds as if the original poster is not necessarily ready to reconcile because of her heart. She seems to be thinking about this because of the kids.

 

 

Which is nothing other than genuine as a gesture. Just may not be what is best going forward. Staying together just to do so is nothing other than defeating. Sort of suggests that children should learn to settle when it comes to an incredibly negative relationship. It generalizes having a certain amount of people within the house as being the sole lead to happiness.

 

 

My girlfriend has her soon to be ex who is nothing other than a raging alcoholic. Stole tons of money from her all the time. Spent just about every single idle hour at his bar drinking illicitly. Treated her like nothing other than total crap. Should she have had to endure this just because of the kids? They were not in a positive environment either. Just having two people there does not mean that all is better on the inside. Even though it may look fine and dandy on the outside.

Edited September 21, 2014 by thekid36

[thefooloftheyear]

What a total shock that is! Someone not agreeing with what I post on here? Why stay together if someone in the situation is not happy? Does an adult not deserve happiness? Sounds as if the original poster is not necessarily ready to reconcile because of her heart. She seems to be thinking about this because of the kids.

 

 

Which is nothing other than genuine as a gesture. Just may not be what is best going forward. Staying together just to do so is nothing other than defeating. Sort of suggests that children should learn to settle when it comes to an incredibly negative relationship. It generalizes having a certain amount of people within the house as being the sole lead to happiness.

 

 

My girlfriend has her soon to be ex who is nothing other than a raging alcoholic. Stole tons of money from her all the time. Spent just about every single idle hour at his bar drinking illicitly. Treated her like nothing other than total crap. Should she have had to endure this just because of the kids? They were not in a positive environment either. Just having two people there does not mean that all is better on the inside. Even though it may look fine and dandy on the outside.

 

 

Like I said....sometimes people make sacrifices for the betterment of their children...Do you even realize how many couples that are out there that have checked out of marriages, but decide to put aside their differences so that their kids lives dont get turned upside down? Probably in the millions..

 

If you go back to my original reply to you, I clearly stated that in situations where there is abuse then its best to split..But in many cases its not.Each situation has its own circumstances..

 

And to answer your question, Does an adult deserve happiness?

 

Well, unfortunately if it comes at the expense of a childs upbringing and emotional stability...then maybe not.....and I am speaking from experience here...Some don't care about what happens with the kids...They put themselves and their needs first...But, to me, thats not what being a proper parent is all about...When we decided to have a child, both of us made scrifices that impinged heavily on our "happiness"....But thats how it goes..

 

In the case of the OP, if she is too burned by the betrayal, then maybe there is nothing that can be done...But, maybe there is also an "arrangement" whereby they dont have to have the same type of relationship they had before, but a modified one..where there is compromise on both sides for the sake of the kids..This stufff goes on every day..And trust me...the kids will clearly understand this later in their lives, when they are old enough to process all of it..and they will likely be thankful...

 

These are my experiences as a parent..Perhaps when you bring life into this world your view might change....You never know...

 

TFY

Edited September 21, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[preraph]

Most guys would take that deal in a heartbeat...The problem is that someone(in the overwhelming majoritty of cases-the guy), has to pay for all of this fun and games.. and there just arent enough hours in the day...

 

TFY

 

Well, these days, the mothers have to support themselves by working too. Child support alone is by no means enough to live on. They have the same work issues and finding time to take care of the kids as men do post-divorce. It is a bad situation for both parents, I will agree with that. Between them, they really need enough money for outside childcare to both do well.

[thefooloftheyear]

With respect, they have been apart for over a year now. Their children have lived through the betrayals and separation. I think getting back together "for the sake of the kids" would be more disruptive than maintaining status quo.

 

Also I don't believe that modeling an unhealthy marriage for children is doing them any favors.

 

 

None of us know what is going on in their kids mind...You, I, nor anyone else knows from this vantage point, so I cant see how you can patently make that proclamation..

 

I have a buddy of mine that is dating a divorced woman with two girls..She has been divorced foi more than a year, but I dont know how long...He's a great guy, and has treated their mother with the utmost respect, but they still dislike him, refuse to accept him, and regularly tell him to go home when he visits...And he tells me all they talk about is how great their dad is...

 

Do you think in this case^ getting back together for the sake of the kids is worse than what she has now?? I doubt it....People seem to think that kids can process all of the reasons and twists and turns of a failed relationship...They cant...and wont until they are at least 15/16 or so..maybe even later..

 

There is nothing really "healthy" as far as kids go, when it comes to divorce...Shouting matches over cs and custody arranngements...Pre set visitation arrangements...Strange people living in their homes and sleeping with their parents...Its a lot to process for a kid and its very rare that everyone is on the same page..

 

Like stated..The OP has every right to take a stand..Thats her choice...

 

TFY

Edited September 21, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[thekid36]

Like I said....sometimes people make sacrifices for the betterment of their children...Do you even realize how many couples that are out there that have checked out of marriages, but decide to put aside their differences so that their kids lives dont get turned upside down? Probably in the millions..

 

If you go back to my original reply to you, I clearly stated that in situations where there is abuse then its best to split..But in many cases its not.Each situation has its own circumstances..

 

And to answer your question, Does an adult deserve happiness?

 

Well, unfortunately if it comes at the expense of a childs upbringing and emotional stability...then maybe not.....and I am speaking from experience here...Some don't care about what happens with the kids...They put themselves and their needs first...But, to me, thats not what being a proper parent is all about...When we decided to have a child, both of us made scrifices that impinged heavily on our "happiness"....But thats how it goes..

 

In the case of the OP, if she is too burned by the betrayal, then maybe there is nothing that can be done...But, maybe there is also an "arrangement" whereby they dont have to have the same type of relationship they had before, but a modified one..where there is compromise on both sides for the sake of the kids..This stufff goes on every day..And trust me...the kids will clearly understand this later in their lives, when they are old enough to process all of it..and they will likely be thankful...

 

These are my experiences as a parent..Perhaps when you bring life into this world your view might change....You never know...

 

TFY

 

 

Their lives are already turned upside down based on the selfish and stupid acts of individuals within it. The ex was nothing other than this when he chose to bail before. So, he should now not be basically rewarded for his own choices. The problem started when he decided to trade in his wife at the time for a younger model. There are consequences to all of our actions in life. You can still put the needs of the children first without having to stay together at all costs.

[thekid36]

None of us know what is going on in their kids mind...You, I, nor anyone else knows from this vantage point, so I cant see how you can patently make that proclamation..

 

I have a buddy of mine that is dating a divorced woman with two girls..She has been divorced foi more than a year, but I dont know how long...He's a great guy, and has treated their mother with the utmost respect, but they still dislike him, refuse to accept him, and regularly tell him to go home when he visits...And he tells me all they talk about is how great their dad is...

 

Do you think in this case^ getting back together for the sake of the kids is worse than what she has now?? I doubt it....People seem to think that kids can process all of the reasons and twists and turns of a failed relationship...They cant...and wont until they are at least 15/16 or so..maybe even later..

 

There is nothing really "healthy" as far as kids go, when it comes to divorce...Shouting matches over cs and custody arranngements...Pre set visitation arrangements...Strange people living in their homes and sleeping with their parents...Its a lot to process for a kid and its very rare that everyone is on the same page..

 

Like stated..The OP has every right to take a stand..Thats her choice...

 

TFY

 

 

It is much better then to have a parent not in love have to take one for the team so to speak. So as to have a home environment filled with anger, frustration, and hate. Showing as an example that this is what true love is and all relationships should be about. Life is not a glass of lemonade. It is healthy that children learn this right away. Cannot protect them inside of a glass house all the time. Not all specific solutions can be perfect. So, you have to take the one which makes more sense. The best one would have been for this man to not bail. He should not have a second chance now just to make the family unit seem more stable. This mistake he made is too much. That is not necessarily how life should work.

[Apaige]

I wanted to do a quick reply, but there are so many of you that I would be responding to. Let me start by saying; when I married my now ex, I married him forever!!! I am very old fashioned in that sense. I believe in marriage for life...until recently I never believed in divorce. I gave my marriage my all 110%. I have no reason to lie on this forum, so please to bash me for saying that. Divorce is an option in this day in age; I do not agree with that, and this is why the first time he cheated, I stuck it out. We didn't outwardly fight, yell, or disagree because of his cheating...I just sucked it up, became very disappointed, and became very hard on myself...essentially, I became a very different person. I morphed into a very insecure person, that never felt good enough. But still I sucked it up, and carried on. I never brought up his infidelities again. We carried on and I began to trust again. I started working since I was a stay at home mom for about 6 years. I waited for both boys to start school before I went back to work. Fast forward about 7 years, and Then my mother was diagnosed with cancer in October, and she left us in December...during those two short months my ex became very distant. He wasn't supportive at all...he became very argumentative toward me, got angry because I hadn't cooked dinner, because I was working during the day, taking kids to sports, them going to the hospital where I layed in bed with my mother crying with her. he was off doing his own thing, and I was left alone...making funeral arrangements, taking care of the children, and mourning my mothers death, alone!! because of his lack of support during this horrible time in my life, I became angry!! After all, I hated him at that moment... But I will say this I would have NEVER divorced him. Of course, I didn't know them that he was cheating on me again!! Three short months later I was served divorce papers at my work, one day before my birthday!! So as you can see, I did not initiate this divorce..I will say this I have become my old self again..I did get lost along the way, I do have major trust issues, I've been working with a therapist on rebuilding myself, my self esteem, and my happiness...don't get me wrong, I have had major set backs, especially in dating! But my children are happy, my ex and I are NOW doing a great job co-parenting! I am not 100% yet, but I am becoming stronger and more confident. It's been almost three years...and I now look forward to new beginnings!!

[beach]

So with all those words about not believing in divorce you have now been divorced a few years.

 

It's good you are learning about yourself!

 

Personally I would have liked to see you face his first affair head on instead of avoiding talking about it. Rug sweeping not sets you up to be cheated on again.

 

What is your question now? Are you actually thinking you might go back to the cheater that never seemed remorseful?

[TouchedByViolet]

This man doesn't care for you unconditionally. He will cheat on you again.

 

You deserve someone who you can trust, and who will make you happy.

[Apaige]

So with all those words about not believing in divorce you have now been divorced a few years.

 

It's good you are learning about yourself!

 

Personally I would have liked to see you face his first affair head on instead of avoiding talking about it. Rug sweeping not sets you up to be cheated on again.

 

What is your question now? Are you actually thinking you might go back to the cheater that never seemed remorseful?

 

Nope; there will be no contemplating on my part. I was actually pissed that he had the nerve to walk into my home and approach me with such pointless drama. I guess I just came on here and posted because I needed to vent, but then I certain someone on here was pointing figures at me, saying things such as "I have made this whole thing about myself, and that I need to put my children first" I was insulted by her response, so I have a little more about the situation.

[PinkInTheLimo]

II will say this I have become my old self again..I did get lost along the way, I do have major trust issues, I've been working with a therapist on rebuilding myself, my self esteem, and my happiness...don't get me wrong, I have had major set backs, especially in dating! But my children are happy, my ex and I are NOW doing a great job co-parenting! I am not 100% yet, but I am becoming stronger and more confident. It's been almost three years...and I now look forward to new beginnings!!

 

Apaige, it sounds as if you have managed to build yourself up again after this divorce, therefore I would really advise you not to fall for your ex again... He had his chance and he destroyed it.

 

I am afraid that if you would let him in again, the whole rollercoaster would start over, with destructive impact on you and your children.

 

Sounds like you took your marriage way more serious than your ex. You need someone who has the same values as you.

[Radu]

I wanted to do a quick reply, but there are so many of you that I would be responding to. Let me start by saying; when I married my now ex, I married him forever!!! I am very old fashioned in that sense. I believe in marriage for life...until recently I never believed in divorce. I gave my marriage my all 110%. I have no reason to lie on this forum, so please to bash me for saying that. Divorce is an option in this day in age; I do not agree with that, and this is why the first time he cheated, I stuck it out. We didn't outwardly fight, yell, or disagree because of his cheating...I just sucked it up, became very disappointed, and became very hard on myself...essentially, I became a very different person. I morphed into a very insecure person, that never felt good enough. But still I sucked it up, and carried on. I never brought up his infidelities again. We carried on and I began to trust again. I started working since I was a stay at home mom for about 6 years. I waited for both boys to start school before I went back to work. Fast forward about 7 years, and Then my mother was diagnosed with cancer in October, and she left us in December...during those two short months my ex became very distant. He wasn't supportive at all...he became very argumentative toward me, got angry because I hadn't cooked dinner, because I was working during the day, taking kids to sports, them going to the hospital where I layed in bed with my mother crying with her. he was off doing his own thing, and I was left alone...making funeral arrangements, taking care of the children, and mourning my mothers death, alone!! because of his lack of support during this horrible time in my life, I became angry!! After all, I hated him at that moment... But I will say this I would have NEVER divorced him. Of course, I didn't know them that he was cheating on me again!! Three short months later I was served divorce papers at my work, one day before my birthday!! So as you can see, I did not initiate this divorce..I will say this I have become my old self again..I did get lost along the way, I do have major trust issues, I've been working with a therapist on rebuilding myself, my self esteem, and my happiness...don't get me wrong, I have had major set backs, especially in dating! But my children are happy, my ex and I are NOW doing a great job co-parenting! I am not 100% yet, but I am becoming stronger and more confident. It's been almost three years...and I now look forward to new beginnings!!

 

It's very unlikely that in 3 short yrs he has learned to empathise enough with his wife [of 15yrs], to switch from selfish to selfless.

You should let him direct his love to where it has always been ... himself.