I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you line"

[hedyo]

While people who trot out this line often have someone else lined up, that doesn't mean they left you because they met someone else. I think it's the other way round - someone else catches their eye because they are unhappy in the relationship. Yes, the potential new partner can function as an incentive to end things, but when it comes down to it, they are breaking it off because something is missing in the relationship they have with you.

 

Most of my break-ups have occurred because one of us wasn't feeling it - the spark, the attraction, the "x" factor. You may care greatly for the person, but you just don't feel "in love" with them. And sometimes you really wish you did, because they are wonderful and everything would be so easy. I have been on both ends of this and it SUCKS either way. However, what sucks even more is being in a relationship where one person is in love and the other isn't. If one person isn't feeling it, you have to let it go and move on.

[BC1980]

Could be he met someone else. It could be that you were talking of moving in together, and that sort of forced his hand too. Maybe the thought of that commitment made him rethink things.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Really? What stats! You're at the resource! Go to search and punch in ILYBINILWY and read all of those threads. You'll find the majority (not all) ending up in infidelity.

 

 

Hell, Natsu just confessed that he used it on this thread!

 

Uh, did you read the post? He said he used it when he met someone else. That is not cheating. Sometimes you meet people you like more when you're with someone else. So what? Finding someone you want to be with is the entire point of dating.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

OK, so I get what you posted, EXCEPT. Why do you think you loved him? What does that mean to you? I had a girlfriend like that, perfect on paper, nothing wrong with her, just great, but as you say, no spark. She was a catch too, and very loving, and she adored me. I'm sure I broke her heart. But I never thought I loved her. I liked her a great deal, but love? Nope, never in love, never loved her.

 

So I'm just curious, what do you mean by that?

 

Thanks

 

I loved him in the same way I love my friends, family and close colleagues. When you spend a lot of time with someone and they're very good to you, it's hard not to love them in some way. He had so many good qualities and was very nice to be around. He obviously really liked me and was getting to the "I love you" point himself; the thought of it filled me with dread. It was not a romantic love, just a gentle, satisfying warmth. And for a while I thought that was what I wanted.

 

Finally I realized that if things continued, we'd get married, and I knew I wouldn't so much as shed a tear during my own wedding. That made it so obvious that things were wrong. When I get married I want to be ugly-crying with happiness in front of everyone.

[mightycpa]

I loved him in the same way I love my friends, family and close colleagues. When you spend a lot of time with someone and they're very good to you, it's hard not to love them in some way. He had so many good qualities and was very nice to be around. He obviously really liked me and was getting to the "I love you" point himself; the thought of it filled me with dread. It was not a romantic love, just a gentle, satisfying warmth. And for a while I thought that was what I wanted.

 

Finally I realized that if things continued, we'd get married, and I knew I wouldn't so much as shed a tear during my own wedding. That made it so obvious that things were wrong. When I get married I want to be ugly-crying with happiness in front of everyone.

 

Yeah, I'm going to say that's not love, or at best, an extremely conditional love. If that person were to change in some way that made you think less of them, let's say you found out they were a thief, or they tortured animals for fun, or something way out there, I'm guessing your feelings would change too, whereas with people you actually love, you could still love them, even though you might simultaneously be horrified by their actions. You might shun one while you get the other help.

 

I guess we need a definition that always works, and I don't think that there is one for love.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Yeah, I'm going to say that's not love, or at best, an extremely conditional love. If that person were to change in some way that made you think less of them, let's say you found out they were a thief, or they tortured animals for fun, or something way out there, I'm guessing your feelings would change too, whereas with people you actually love, you could still love them, even though you might simultaneously be horrified by their actions. You might shun one while you get the other help.

 

I guess we need a definition that always works, and I don't think that there is one for love.

 

How is my definition conditional? I would say almost all true love is born out of knowledge and experience. When you spend time with people and you learn about them, and you have a healthy relationship (friendly, familial or otherwise) you come to love them. If my dearest friends were involved in horrible things I would absolutely get them help. I wouldn't stop loving them.

 

Meanwhile I don't know have any idea how falling in love happens, just that it does.

[mightycpa]

OK. You know how you feel, I don't. That's why I asked. Thanks for answering.

 

How does falling in love happen? It's the magic of chemistry! Pretty soon, there's going to be a pill for it, and another pill to cure it.

 

Breaking up in the future might be as easy as putting a "breakup roofie" in your lover's drink, and then watching while he breaks up with you 20 minutes later.

[Natsu21]

Uh, did you read the post? He said he used it when he met someone else. That is not cheating. Sometimes you meet people you like more when you're with someone else. So what? Finding someone you want to be with is the entire point of dating.

 

Actually. I liked this girl for a while now.

 

Truth was, I just wasn't into the girl I was seeing for a short time in college. I had my reasons, sure. But the ultimate reason: I just wasn't all that physically attracted to her and her personality turned me off. But it wasn't till I had a shot at the girl I liked that I jumped shark.

 

Was it immature? Yes. But I was in college and we all do stupid stuff. I came clean to her at least.

 

Trust me, few people would leave a crappy relationship unless there was security on the other end.

[jonsnuh]

I've found from reading anecdotes and my own experience, that the person using that line either doesn't know what they want, or they just don't want you.

[Carpe-diem]

Hello,

 

Whatever his real reasons are for leaving you, he is no longer wasting your time.

 

There could have been someone else. A lot of men (and some women) don't usually leave a good relationship unless there is someone else lined up. I know it's a sweeping generalisation but it's true.

 

That line he gave you could be true. If you were talking about moving in he may have got scared. He's younger than you so likely he thought it was too soon. Best to leave you now then years down the line. Would you really want to be with someone that can't give you 100%?

 

So look at it this way, if he was cheating you're well shot of him. If he didn't think you were enough for him then he's not enough for you, again you're well shot of him.

 

Keep NC. He may come back, he may not. You live your life thinking he won't come back and if that situation ever arises hopefully you'll be in a better position and emotional state to deal with it.

 

It hurts I know. It's rejection and most of us know that feeling too well.

 

xx