Discjockey80 Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Part of the problem is here that this issue is clouded by the misunderstanding that sexual orientation...whatever you want to call that....is pre-determined. It's not. Rather, its something that falls on a continuum that can be pushed in various directions throughout ones life. Not to open up that discussion but rather to shed some light on at least part of what's going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 SS - I still think a Gay/Bi website or helpline would be a lot more help to you than the advice/stick you are getting on here. Many people have been through what you are going through and surely they would be better placed to give advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I have heard, as I am sure you have, for many years gay people say they had no choice in their orientation. Honestly I was never quite sure of that but am now 100% convinced. Good honest people grow apart sometimes and it's sad when it happens. It can happen for many reasons and in my case it's because my sexual orientation has changed. I didn't mean for that to happen, it wasn't a choice and I can't ignore it. If I was to put a label on myself I would say I was a lesbian with the exception of my hubby. Maybe we can reach some agreement and continue and I will give that every opportunity but staying exclusively with my hubby is not something I can do. If that makes me a bad person I will just have to wear that label. What I can't do is just pretend I don't have these overwhelming feelings and push them to the rear. You can continue to be judgmental if you want (although I would prefer you to be constructive), I am just trying to make the best of a bad situation. My own two cents on this.... My own theory....I believe people are located along a full 180 degree spectrum where one end is purely hetero and the other end is purely homo...about 10% on each end. The remaining 80% lie in between where anything can happen and it comes down to upbringing, personal experiences, social interactions, and a few oth factors, Ingeneral it's far more easier for women to have relationships with other women in part because it's more socially except able for women to have more intimate friendships where they share deep feelings, can easily express affection, and can behave in ways that you would find in a romantic relationship. To you what defines love???? What makes a relationship a loving one. What is it you think you are missing with your husband? How much of this is just a sexual fantasy you have? You need to have a deep relationship talk with him and determine what is missing before youEven bring up the idea of you leaving him for another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 What I can't do is just pretend I don't have these overwhelming feelings and push them to the rear. What if those feelings were for another man ??? Would you use that as an impetus to work on you marriage and/or have an honest discussion with your husband? Not sure how this is different... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 This is right. This is not about sex (although that is a part), this is about relationships. I wish I could verbalize it better but I just know that I want to be with another woman. I want to wake up next to her, I want to sit and watch TV cuddling her, I want to go on holidays with her, I want to go shopping and hold hands with her, I want to make plans and build a future with her. Well that answers it. This is not as I originally read wanting to explore your sexuality and yearnings for a female. Male or female, you want a new "relationship". Was a much simpler answer if you came here and said "I love my husband, he's my best friend......but I think I want to explore a new relationship, where I can wake up and cuddle with someone else, snuggle watch TV & go on holidays with, holding hands....." You're absolutely right it is not just about sex. You want to explore new relationships. As a male it was much easier reading you wanted sex with another female. Have close female or male friends I am okay with, someone you can laugh and share your life with. What you want is way beyond that.... Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Well that answers it. This is not as I originally read wanting to explore your sexuality and yearnings for a female. Male or female, you want a new "relationship". Was a much simpler answer if you came here and said "I love my husband, he's my best friend......but I think I want to explore a new relationship, where I can wake up and cuddle with someone else, snuggle watch TV & go on holidays with, holding hands....." You're absolutely right it is not just about sex. You want to explore new relationships. As a male it was much easier reading you wanted sex with another female. Have close female or male friends I am okay with, someone you can laugh and share your life with. What you want is way beyond that.... Yeah this goes way deeper than I had originally interpreted also. This is more like an actual sexual orientation issue than it is a curiosity and wanting to explore issue. Most women probably have some fantasies of rubbing up against another woman for shts and giggles now and then. But it's a whole other world to want to be with one fulltime. I don't think think it's realistic for people to say, "you are married..." and expect someone to deny their true nature forever. Yes she shoulda addressed this before marrying and from her husband's perspective there's not much different than is she leaves for another man (been in his shoes myself before). But this doesn't sound like something that is going to go away and she doesn't sound like she's interested in much middle ground and there is a good likelihood he may not be interested in meeting in the middle and compromising either. Link to post Share on other sites
Striver Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 OP, Is your husband aware of your original relationship with a woman? If he isn't, I think you are doing a lot of compartmentalizing and not communicating well with your husband. If he isn't aware of that relationship, this is going to all be a bombshell to him and devastating. That will be an issue going forward for you regardless of what happens to your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 What if those feelings were for another man ??? Would you use that as an impetus to work on you marriage and/or have an honest discussion with your husband? Not sure how this is different... Mr. Lucky It's different because women have boobs and a vagina. No man can compete with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 It's different because women have boobs and a vagina. No man can compete with that. And yet, by her own description, sex life with husband still good. Maybe not as cut and dry as you make it... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 And yet, by her own description, sex life with husband still good. Maybe not as cut and dry as you make it... Mr. Lucky Yes, I want it cut & dry, and here it is not. A true bi-sexual. The difference here though is this is not just about sex, which if she said she wanted sex with women, as a male it could be a discussion we could have as I can not offer what a woman does. What she wants is way more and should explain that and leave. Probably one of the main reasons (conscious or unconscious) they have not had children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuperSally Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 OP, Is your husband aware of your original relationship with a woman? If he isn't, I think you are doing a lot of compartmentalizing and not communicating well with your husband. If he isn't aware of that relationship, this is going to all be a bombshell to him and devastating. That will be an issue going forward for you regardless of what happens to your marriage. Yes he is well aware and has mused a number of times as to why I no longer wished to explore that side of me. From my point if view I honestly did not want to until these feelings started creeping up on me a while ago. At first I ignored them, then tried to fight them, now I realise that I have to be true to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuperSally Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 And yet, by her own description, sex life with husband still good. Maybe not as cut and dry as you make it... Sex with my husband is great, I couldn't ask for more from a man.... and that is the problem, I now long for a woman and he simply cannot help with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuperSally Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 What if those feelings were for another man ??? Would you use that as an impetus to work on you marriage and/or have an honest discussion with your husband? Not sure how this is different... Yes that would be an impetus to work on my marriage. My husband, as a man, should be able to give me what any other man could. So if I developed feelings for another man I would want to find the answer to what is lacking in our marriage. This is different because my husband, as a man, cannot no matter how hard he tries give me what a woman could. There is nothing wrong with my marriage except that he is not a woman and that is what I believe I want at this point in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 And yet, by her own description, sex life with husband still good. Maybe not as cut and dry as you make it... Mr. Lucky If some handsome, pleasant gay guy gave you the best blow job of your life would you stay with him or would you still be drawn to being with women despite the good hummer from the guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 If some handsome, pleasant gay guy gave you the best blow job of your life would you stay with him or would you still be drawn to being with women despite the good hummer from the guy? Had I been married and committed to "handsome, pleasant gay guy" for the last 12 years as the OP has been married to her husband, the "good hummer" might be a factor in my decision... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 This is different because my husband, as a man, cannot no matter how hard he tries give me what a woman could. There is nothing wrong with my marriage except that he is not a woman and that is what I believe I want at this point in my life. I'll simply point out that's a common sentiment in the infidelity and divorce forums here - that someone else could give you what your spouse could not. And since marriages have ebbs and flows like any long term relationship, are you prepared to accept the cost if what you "believe I want at this point in my life" doesn't turn out to be the answer ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuperSally Posted October 5, 2014 Author Share Posted October 5, 2014 So the deed is done. We have had some really productive conversation around this over the last 2 week. Of course he was shocked initially and then went through the phases of threesome, can I just watch etc etc until he finally understood where I was at in my life. The long and short of it is that we have split. He has wished me luck but also said he will wait in case it doesn’t work out. I have tried to talk him out of that to no avail. I did explain to him that I have no-one else and that I won’t even be looking in the short term however he still wants to wait. I feel really bad knowing that he is there waiting when he should be focusing at moving on but I have no control over that. I have moved out into an apartment which is costing a fortune but I couldn’t stay and I didn’t want to burden anyone else. Even though it’s only been a week and I was well prepared for it I have cried myself to sleep most nights because I really do miss his company. I guess that is natural though. So it’s onwards and upwards from here and I can be who my heart and soul are telling me I am. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 ((((SS)))))) I am glad you were honest with your husband and honest with yourself. Regardless of the reason, there is always a mourning process. Don't fault yourself for it. Just take things day by day. He sounds like a very nice man that does love you. That is wonderful. I also appreciate you "setting him free" to have someone love him the way he deserves to be loved. Best of wishes in your new life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 Thanks for the update. That had to be painful but I think you did what you had to do. Don't worry too much about him waiting. It's human nature to try to hold on. He will move on when he realizes you are serious and that he is getting no where with you (provided you aren't leading him on or trying to keep him on a string of course). Some day some li'l cutie will give him the wink-wink and he will decide he is ready to move forward after all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 What Oldshirt said. We appreciate you reporting back and will continue to be here if you feel the need to talk through your situation. Consider getting a personal counselor for consistency in working through your transition. <<hugs>> 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 Good on you Sally for being true to yourself and doing the right thing. So often so much easier said than done. I really hope all works out for you. Jack 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 As painful as this is and will continue to be, its the healthy and mature way to have handled the situation and I applaud you for that. Not all marriages and/or relationships have the make up or enough of "IT" to sustain. When you come to understand that its best to end it. Again I applaud you, it show that you really care for him. It would have been very easy to carry on behind his back and selfishly hold him hostage. The big caution here for you is he will move on, and it will likely be QUICK. So prepare yourself for that. I think here is where you may truly find what your feeling for him are, problem is at that point its often too late. I wish you the best of luck, judging by the way you handles this you both deserve it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I think SS's husband may get over it sooner once she starts a relationship with a woman. She is ending the marriage not to see another man or through boredom or lack of love, but because she may be gay. Although he will find it tough it is less of an attack on his masculinity. It is something totally beyond his (or her) control, so most likely easier to handle. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I will admit to having a really hard time understanding how someone could leave a good marriage to someone they love because they might have feelings for someone else. To me it doesn't matter whether that "someone else" is male or female. Why aren't people here giving the same advice they would give if she were attracted to another man? Which would be to work on the marriage, etc. She isn't gay - at most, she is bisexual. She is still attracted to men. So why does the fact that she might be attracted to a woman change anything? How is it different than if she said "I love my H but I'm not in love with him, and I think I might be attracted to someone else" (a man)? In that case everyone would not be telling her how great it is that she left her marriage to experiment with this. This is sad.... this man does deserve someone who loves him and only him, and the only sure thing here is that he isn't going to waste much time finding it. Many women (including myself) would love to find such a guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I will admit to having a really hard time understanding how someone could leave a good marriage to someone they love because they might have feelings for someone else. To me it doesn't matter whether that "someone else" is male or female. Why aren't people here giving the same advice they would give if she were attracted to another man? Which would be to work on the marriage, etc. She isn't gay - at most, she is bisexual. She is still attracted to men. So why does the fact that she might be attracted to a woman change anything? How is it different than if she said "I love my H but I'm not in love with him, and I think I might be attracted to someone else" (a man)? In that case everyone would not be telling her how great it is that she left her marriage to experiment with this. This is sad.... this man does deserve someone who loves him and only him, and the only sure thing here is that he isn't going to waste much time finding it. Many women (including myself) would love to find such a guy. I agree, I thinks she is making a mistake that she will regret for many many years to come. However she did it the right way. I think she is internally unhappy and is somewhat placing the blame of that on her husbands lap, if only he was a woman. For a short period she will be happy because she feels being with a woman is the fix-all. Link to post Share on other sites
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