Red flags two months in

[mightycpa]

You're never going to get over what I will term the Sleaze Index, which is the number of months counted divided into the number of partners in that period.

 

45 partners / 30 months = 1.5 SI; That number is whopping! Stated another way, that's 1 new partner every 3 weeks, assuming no overlap and no rest.

 

Does overlap bother you? Because I'm thinking there's some overlap there. I'll bet it does bother you.

 

Most of the rest of the things that you mention seem to follow from the lack of an extended LTR after sophomore year. That's just inexperience rearing its ugly head.

 

Anyway, I think that bothers you enough to let her go. You'll never get over it.

[johnson_j]

The worst part is that you care for her, and now you are starting to see her true colors. As hard as it is, I'd sit her down and tell her the following:

 

 

"You know I care about you a lot and I want to help you. But a number of things have surfaced (list them out) that have me concerned about the long term viability of what I want from a partner and what you can provide."

 

 

Honestly it sounds like a number of major issues with this one (50+ partners is a lot at 25 but wouldn't deter me on that basis alone).

 

 

Good luck.

[Purepony]

Is her name Tiffany? Haha

 

Just leave I don't see the need to write a paragraph on why since you already know.. plus she wants to trap you with this no condom nonsense..

 

Just use her and drop her

[ja123]

You are having doubts, and it's only normal to share these things with close friends and family to gain their perspective when you're not thinking straight.

 

 

You said that one of the attractions to her is that she's 25 and doesn't have a race against her biological clock.

 

 

So, find another younger woman to date.

 

 

Why open up yourself to the problems this one brings?

 

 

There are other women on the planet. Go find one.

 

 

Don't get caught in all the noise. Please re-read my previous post.

[Dork Vader]

The high number of partners can happen. It happened to me, it was not a goal it just happened because 1. I enjoy sex and 2. I could not get any type of relationship to last. I finally got sick of the life I had and cleaned up my act.

 

You need to be more concerned about who she is today. Not what her past was.

 

Insecure people are TROUBLE. I dated one thinking I could help her through it. Insecure people need more attention then anyone person can provide. They will look for it out side of your relationship and cheat on you.

 

The STD testing I do not understand. It's a reasonable and responsible thing to do. It sounds like she likely has an STD of some sort. I have two HPV and HSV-2. Almost everyone has HPV and 20-25% of sexually active adults have HSV 1 or 2. But I don't cry about it when people crack jokes. I might get sad that's it. I also would have no issue getting tested for a new partner.

 

She clearly needs to see a therapist and has a lot to sort out.

[pteromom]

 

1. She tells me 2 weeks ago that she's slept with "around 50 guys" and has lost count. To me that's a red flag that she may be hiding more. Perhaps not, but 50 alone is startling. She accumulated that many partners over her time at college and first year out of school.

 

I don't necessarily see this as a red flag, but it depends on WHY she slept with 50 guys. If she just really enjoys sex, whatever. But if she was using sex to try to fill some kind of hole inside her (pun not intended hah) or trying desperately to make people like her, that's a problem.

 

She "tests" my devotion to the relationship repeatedly, seems insecure about it. There are times where she's not testing me, but it seems like a day can't go by without something.

This sounds very immature and EXHAUSTING for you.

 

3. Whenever I try to draw boundaries and say that we need to maintain our own lives, take things slow, keep our own hobbies etc she "feels hurt" like I'm rejecting her personally. That's not it, but at this age I realize what I think is healthy relationship vs what is passion/quick. I don't want to be codependent.

Again, this is a maturity issue. When you are young and naive, you believe that another person completes you and that you should be everything to each other. As you get older and wiser, you realize that you are two separate people, and that while parts of your lives intersect, other parts don't, and that is normal and healthy.

 

4. She was angry and upset when I said we should get STD tests recently.

Again... maturity issue. She is unable to look at an STD test as a reasonable and logical decision. She has to take it as a personal criticism.

 

5. She has a hard time respecting many of my believes/quirks. I mean, if I want to live a certain way or prefer to do certain things, she's insistent that I need to overcome my boundaries. I just think it's a normal part of my identity/anyones to have some quirks.

You are right, and you should be able to be the person you want to be. AGAIN, this is maturity. To show that you love her, you should be willing to do ANYTHING, including changing for her. Not realistic, and not what love is about.

 

6. She doesn't test me all the time, but I feel frustrated that at times she's not being upfront. She says its to "keep me on my toes" and, while I can laugh, it's more frustrating than anything. I don't want to date a child. It's not exceptionally bad, but I want a woman who never does this. Is that unrealistic?

Not unrealistic at all. No way would I live in a situation like that. I don't want to be "on my toes". I want to be relaxed and at peace, and able to trust each other.

 

She said "they got me wrong, they said I was clingy...theres no such thing as clingy, it just means one person cares more than the other" (red flag?)

Obviously this isn't true. There's such a thing as clingy, and what she is doing qualifies!

 

I try to separate jealousy and insecurity because I know I do well in bed -- very caring for my partner, confident, make sure to put her first, etc. But I feel frustrated that now that she is looking to settle down (she admits as much, as she would like marriage in the next 2 years, kids in the next 4 years) -- that I'm the "settle option". All those times I worked towards building up my career and worth, a better life, for a future with a long term partner... and she was...well...fooling around with the football team...and the rugby team...and the basketball team . I can't help but be jealous about it, truthfully.

She isn't ready for settling down. She will take your relaxation, comfort, and security as a personal insult and proof that you don't "love" her anymore.

 

And for goodness sake - DO NOT have sex with her without a condom. Not just for STD worries, but because having a child with this woman would be a disaster!!!!!

 

I enjoy some of our time together, but I'm conflicted on how I truly feel about her anymore. I feel it was a sort of bait and switch. Has anyone ever felt that?

It isn't bait and switch. She didn't lie to you just because you had some vague "feeling" that she wasn't into casual sex or had a lot of partners.

 

I was never in a rush to push the relationship in any direction and wanted to take it slow to see how it grew/blossomed. Due to her pushiness, I feel that I've lost that nice time/bonding somewhat.

You have.

 

I am horrible at breaking up. I hate confrontation but if it seems like an open and close case, I guess I need to do what needs to be done.

I agree, breaking up is probably your best option.

 

Still, it can't hurt to try one more time. But it will take a strong will and you will have to take on the role of the leader in the relationship. The good news is that if she truly has "daddy issues", she will respond well to this.

 

Tell her that you no longer want to deal with her "testing" and "keeping you on your toes." That if she wants a relationship with you, she has to trust you and relax. Any further "testing" means the relationship is over.

 

If she wants a relationship with you, she must go in and have an STD panel done NOW. This isn't a criticism - it's common sense. She had sex with multiple partners and you want to make sure that you are both safe.

 

If she wants a relationship with you, she has to accept you as you are. No more trying to get you to "break your boundaries" with her.

 

If she wants a relationship with you, she has to understand that you have a life outside of her and do not wish to be fully enmeshed or joined at the hip. That you have your own hobbies and friends and life, and you want to keep it.

 

If this makes her angry, SHE will be the one to break up. But she just may say you are right and follow your lead.

 

If that happens, it won't be easy. She is going to test your "rules", and you will have to be ready to get up and LEAVE when she does. Refuse to engage in any arguments about these things. Be calm and collected and logical and have firm boundaries for yourself.

 

And...see what happens.

Edited September 16, 2014 by pteromom

[BlueIris]

Thoughts?

 

I am horrible at breaking up. I hate confrontation but if it seems like an open and close case, I guess I need to do what needs to be done.

 

Sorry for the book. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Then don't think of it as a confrontation. Think of it as explaining yourself and letting someone know that you've made a decision.

 

And the things you've described would lead me to make the decision to not date that person any more. No need to justify or explain yourself- or "defend" yourself, in my opinion. Just tell her that it isn't working out for you. I tend to compliment someone when telling him that and say that I hope he finds someone who is a great fit for him. I don't know if it takes the sting off or not.

[mightycpa]

I tend to compliment someone when telling him that and say that I hope he finds someone who is a great fit for him.

 

I think that 45 guys in 30 months is quite an accomplishment! Not many people have done what you've done, and I think you can be quite proud. Keep up the good work, and I hope you do equally well, or even better in the future.

 

I'm so proud of you! Good luck.

Yeah, I'm not seeing that strategy working in this case.

[StanMusial]

Two months sounds about right.

 

What kind of future do you want? Think she'd be a good mother to your kids?

[mightycpa]

Two months sounds about right.

 

What kind of future do you want? Think she'd be a good mother to your kids?

 

An argument can be made that if you've put your hand on a hot stove in your life, you are certainly an authority on why they shouldn't.