8 weeks serious courting to other woman in days. .

[smuggy95]

ok here is contructive psychological advice for you...

right now he's on a high from her.

lots of brain chemicals when he thinks of HER. That's why he said 'I've never felt like this for ANYONE before'

have you seen an addict before? They are only focused on their drug.

you try to take him away from the drug to something healthier- he's gonna 1) ignore it 2) maybe get pissed 3) go back for more of his drug

 

 

you are the apple, she's the donut. You are exercise, she's cocaine.

 

 

You have to wait for the addict to go off the high. Thus, wait a few weeks, months, whatever. wait until you see holes in their relationships and then make your sale.

 

 

Though really, you're investing a lot in a weak man. You should make better choices in a mate.

[smuggy95]

also- are you sure you're the best mate for him too? Use this time for self-reflection.

[Suzie81]

Again. I'm not obsessed. We weren't exclusive and we had about 7-8 dates. So do I think I'm the best mate for him? I'm not sure. I was really

Enjoying getting to know though. And would've liked to keep figuring it out....exclusively. Anyway. I get the drug concept. I've been there.

[smuggy95]

i didn't mean you are obsessed. When I said you're investing too much, I meant getting him back to 'figuring it out exclusively' with you will take a lot of time and patience, and then emotional vulnerability.

 

 

But since you are willing to fight for it: Wait til he gets in a rough patch, and then lay it all out. Your feelings. Write him a letter, and then go to him, and **** his brains out. And see if that is enough to win him to go back to 'exploring' with you.

 

 

It might be enough. It might lead to something great, or it might fizzle out. But, honestly, it might also be very humiliating for you. Such is the risk, and that is why everyone else is to cautious.

[Suzie81]

Yeah. Nothing else to do. I'm not waiting around. An actually seeing someone else. Poor guy. I just can't get into it and can't tell if it's HIM or my hang up on last guy. Everyone wants that instant spark, but in my experience,

It NEVER lasts. What to do. (Besides live my life obviously). I have very little will

Power when it comes to online stalking. Which is TERRIBLE. I'm trying. I am NC....but I look. Why!??

[Leigh 87]

I agree with the others. I don't understand why people say, "How can I get this person to see they're making a mistake by being with this other person instead of me," when they don't actually KNOW it's a mistake. It's really up to the two people in the relationship to know if that relationship is a "mistake" or not.

 

I've been broken up with, and one particular ex I managed to get back five times. And you know what? HE WASN'T WORTH IT.

 

I used to be an expert at getting a guy to want to be with me again, but since I've emotionally matured, I see what bull**** it is. If I have to go through hoops to make some guy like me or want to be with me, what message am I giving myself?

 

I let those losers go, and I'm currently (and always will be) with my best friend. The man who loves me no matter what. The man who calls me beautiful no matter what I'm wearing, how much I've weighed, who's seen me at my worst and at my best. HE is the one who deserves me. Not the ones I have to convince.

 

Don't you see what that does to your self-respect? It erodes it. Mine was down to almost nothing, and now it's almost ridiculously high. I don't do things anymore that are not in my best interest. Neither should you.

 

 

 

 

This times 100000.

 

 

It is a great breaking feeling when you meet a guy who is head over heals for you when you have no make up on and are wearing sweat pants.

 

Rather than, you know.. having to dress nicely, wear heals to make yourself look slimmer, tough up your make up every hour whilst around them......

 

Only for them to have the "it" factor with another woman?

 

...There are men out there who would be crazy about you and definitely not drop you the next time they met a girl they had "chemistry" with.

[Leigh 87]

Again. I'm not obsessed. We weren't exclusive and we had about 7-8 dates. So do I think I'm the best mate for him? I'm not sure. I was really

Enjoying getting to know though. And would've liked to keep figuring it out....exclusively. Anyway. I get the drug concept. I've been there.

 

 

 

You are obsessed.

 

And it is perfectly understandable. I have been obsessed. I have been there, bit please make no mistake; you ARE obsessed.

 

If you were all "chill" and "casual" and not obsessed as you purport, then ummmm, you would say " hell no, I don't need a man who isn't VERY into me!"

 

And a man is NOT into a girl when he discards her for another woman!

 

You are not a crazy stalker but you are obsessed with the notion of getting him to "realise" that you are the right one....

[Leigh 87]

ok here is contructive psychological advice for you...

right now he's on a high from her.

lots of brain chemicals when he thinks of HER. That's why he said 'I've never felt like this for ANYONE before'

have you seen an addict before? They are only focused on their drug.

you try to take him away from the drug to something healthier- he's gonna 1) ignore it 2) maybe get pissed 3) go back for more of his drug

 

 

you are the apple, she's the donut. You are exercise, she's cocaine.

 

 

You have to wait for the addict to go off the high. Thus, wait a few weeks, months, whatever. wait until you see holes in their relationships and then make your sale.

 

 

Though really, you're investing a lot in a weak man. You should make better choices in a mate.

 

 

Actually, a lot of people feel the instant spark with a partner without having to think : "well, I wasn't that into them to begin with but they grew on me"

 

 

It is not that rare to feel satisfactory chemistry with a long term partner/.

 

It is not always "raging instant sparks, versus instant burning passion"

 

 

You need to first of all, WANT a long term partner who is reliable and whom you are COMPATABLE with in the long term.

 

 

With that in mind, it is not that uncommon to find a partner who you have reasonable enough chemistry with, that you can grow it with, and who you don't feel like ditching when you feel the "spark"

[Survivor12]

Ok everyone. I get it. And you're not wrong. But let me interject this:

 

When we started dating I wanted to do all the right things. I read books (good respectable ones). I went on these forums. The advice that everyone gave me is what bit me in the ass. My point is, not all men are the same. I treated him in a manor that EVERYONE said to to make a relationship last. What he needed was the opposite. He needed the stereotypical attention most women need. For him - even though I wanted to shout it from the roof tops on date 2, I didn't. Even though I wanted to sleep with him on date 1 I didn't. Because that was the advice I got. Meanwhile he didn't think I was even interested and the minute someone else gave him that punch drunk immediate love, he bailed. I'm just saying, even tho maybe he just isn't into me and I should move on - everyone is different.

 

You're comparing "getting a guy to be with you" to "having a relationship with the RIGHT guy who WANTS to be with you."

 

The advice you got to not have sex with him to early & to not be too available too quickly is good advice when the guy is: a) a looking for or open to a relationship & b) into you. It's about weeding out the ones who are just looking for a good time AND not losing the respect & interest of those who are looking for "relationship material".

 

The point is that to build a good foundation for a strong relationship you need two people who each want one & mutual compatibility & attraction--and it takes time to get to know someone to even know if the foundation exists. Just because someone makes you want to shout from the rooftops after your second date does not mean that they are "the one"--or that YOU are "the One" for them. A solid relationship is built on a base of heart, mind, physical attraction & compatibility.

 

Don't be confused--although men love sex, when they are seriously looking for someone to share more than a casual relationship, they want someone they can respect and who makes them feel special. When a woman gives it up too early--before they feel they have "earned it", they don't feel any more special than the last or next guy. When you profess love too early--while they are still getting to know HOW they feel about you--they don't believe you.

 

Obviously, in this case, you have discovered that he doesn't share your enthusiasm about being in a relationship together & that being with you isn't enough to keep his head from being turned by someone else. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Having sex with him earlier wouldn't have changed that. He would still be looking for the next best offer to come along.

 

My advice to you is that instead of focusing on what you need to do & be to get a man, focus on what YOU want & need from a man--and don't waste your time settling for less.

 

With this guy, you were so fixated on "getting him" that you were willing to overlook his many shortcomings. IF he had stuck around, it's very likely that eventually (once you were confident that you had him), you would have grown tired of feeding his ego & dealing with his neediness.

 

Chalk this one up to lessons leaned & don't look back.

[Suzie81]

Ok fine. Let's go with you all are right. Which is highly likely. We werent comparable. My ego is bruised. I didnt even like him that much. Only 8 dates and it took me that Long to sleep with him. Yadda yadda. I have bad self esteem or something and I shojdo be more worried about finding a suitable partner whatever.

 

Problem is: I'm still waking up every morning w a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. And wondering what he's up to a few times a day. And still brooding over the fact that he slept with me. Then days later picked this girl. Call it obsessed fine. Maybe you've never had that feeling before. I have. A few times. And it always takes way to long to "get over". Even if it's just ego.

 

Also. If you honestly think that men don't make mistakes all the time (and women) in relationships and sometimes deserve another chance, you're immature or haven't experienced much in your life yet.

[Suzie81]

Also - survivor12 - that was our exact situation. We both wanted an actual relationship. We discussed taking our time. All that. It's what we were doing. And doing well. Then he does a 180 and ditches me for someone he has an instant connection w. My guess is while he says he wants all the things he told me, he doesn't realize he actually doesn't. And is avoidant without even realizing it. I COULD be wrong. This new girl could be his soul mate. But after we discussed not believing in soul mates, and building a partnership, my guess is that he is confusing lust w this new girl and a real connection. Which we were building. Maybe he'll realize it too late. It is just beyond shocking that a man that seemed so intouch with himself and his feelings and "mature" could be so easily swayed...unless she really is his "soul mate". Who knows. It's really painful to go from someone giving you %150 to 0 in less than a week.

[pteromom]

It is just beyond shocking that a man that seemed so intouch with himself and his feelings and "mature" could be so easily swayed..

 

Obviously, the SEEMING part was off. Since you only dated him a couple months, you don't know what's really going on inside him. Could be he really fell fast and hard for this girl and is falling in love with her, or could be he "future faked" you and what you had wasn't as real to him as it was to you. Or could be he is just flighty and afraid to commit and even though he says he wants something, his anxieties and fears prevent him from making it happen.

 

At any rate, you can do better! You don't want to get into a LTR with a guy who is overly needy and desperate for affection. Sometimes, things happen in life that get in the way of being able to meet each other's needs well, and then what... he's going to run off to 25 year olds every time he feels lonely?

 

Instead, look for a MAN. Someone who is strong and stable and steady and honest and looking at a relationship as an opportunity to GIVE as well as get.

[Suzie81]

The really annoying thing is is he is far from perfect. I mean who is. But he showed me his short comings. A lot of them at least. And I still fell for him. And now IM the one alone lonely distracted and upset. Meanwhile he was lucky I was into him. There's just more women than men. And men are weak. Sorry.

[Survivor12]

Also - survivor12 - that was our exact situation. We both wanted an actual relationship. We discussed taking our time. All that. It's what we were doing. And doing well. Then he does a 180 and ditches me for someone he has an instant connection w. My guess is while he says he wants all the things he told me, he doesn't realize he actually doesn't. And is avoidant without even realizing it. I COULD be wrong. This new girl could be his soul mate. But after we discussed not believing in soul mates, and building a partnership, my guess is that he is confusing lust w this new girl and a real connection. Which we were building. Maybe he'll realize it too late. It is just beyond shocking that a man that seemed so intouch with himself and his feelings and "mature" could be so easily swayed...unless she really is his "soul mate". Who knows. It's really painful to go from someone giving you %150 to 0 in less than a week.

 

I totally understand why you would be shocked & hurt. Here's the thing--he may have known that you were a"keeper" & wanted to be in a relationship with you and because of that, he tried to be the person he thought you deserved. On the other hand, as much as he wanted to be the guy who is in a solid, committed relationship with a woman he admires & respects, perhaps he just isn't that guy. People can try to be something they are not and, for a time, can convince even themselves, but it's hard to sustain.

 

I know a guy (he was once a good friend) who wanted nothing more than to be a family man--a good husband & father, a good provider & a man respected by those around him. He & his gf had two kids. He loved them all & he felt that his gf was the most amazing woman in the world. He never felt that he deserved her. Sadly, he couldn't fulfill the role he wanted so much. He would lose his temper at work & get fired, he'd stay at home for weeks being the perfect partner & father then one day, he would go out with the guys or run into an old friend & not go home for days. He just couldn't overcome or resist his urge to have fun & forget his responsibilities--and the very thing HE wanted most. Afterward, he would feel terrible about himself.

 

He is now in an on again/off again drama filled relationship with a woman who he knows is "less than respectable" (i.e. drug addicted, skank loser)--and he knows it. Why? Because he doesn't have to try to be more than what he is. He doesn't feel undeserving because he doesn't respect her.

 

I'm not saying that this guy you are hung up on is like my former friend, but it is possible that the guy wasn't the really the guy you thought he was but the guy he wanted to be, and the 180 is simply him reverting to his true self. My advice is to let go of the guy you knew & see him for who he is now. Maybe this is just a fling & when he tires of it, he'll come back, but if you decide to give him a second chance, be wary. In the meantime, do your best to move on.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

Ok everyone. I get it. And you're not wrong. But let me interject this:

 

When we started dating I wanted to do all the right things. I read books (good respectable ones). I went on these forums. The advice that everyone gave me is what bit me in the ass. My point is, not all men are the same. I treated him in a manor that EVERYONE said to to make a relationship last. What he needed was the opposite. He needed the stereotypical attention most women need. For him - even though I wanted to shout it from the roof tops on date 2, I didn't. Even though I wanted to sleep with him on date 1 I didn't. Because that was the advice I got. Meanwhile he didn't think I was even interested and the minute someone else gave him that punch drunk immediate love, he bailed. I'm just saying, even tho maybe he just isn't into me and I should move on - everyone is different.

 

 

So you got bad advice once and now you come back for more? Wouldn't it be easier to solve your own problems?

[Suzie81]

Haha. Stillafool - guess we both still are.

[Suzie81]

Here's the real question. I am dating 2 other men. They are so friggin sweet. And like me sooooooo much. And of course I can't muster up an attraction to them. Geez.

[Carpe-diem]

Hi Susie,

 

Just read all the posts and the majority is telling you the truth. I know it's not what you want to hear and you want tips/advice on getting him back but this site can be tough love but it's needed and it comes from experience and not to give people false hope.

 

This guy was honest with you. Bit cruel to go into detail about how he felt about this new girl but maybe he did that to make you realise he's serious about the new girl and it's not a whim etc etc. That hurts I know but some credit to the guy, he could have continued seeing this girl and cheated on you.

 

You are making a lot of assumptions of how he is feeling or not feeling. That he's made a mistake. You know nothing of his feelings I'm afraid except that he doesn't want to be with you and you can't make him change his mind, only he can do that.

 

You mentioned contacting him in a month or so with an email or a text to let him know how you feel. Don't do this. He already knows how you feel, you told him the day you broke up. You will only come across as needy and waiting on the side line for him. You said about leaving the door ajar. Slam it shut! Trust me if he wants to get back with you he will kick down that door no matter how many locks and chains you put on it. Make him miss you. He won't miss you if you are following him on FB making comments or liking things. You will always be in the background. Saying all that I really don't think you should plan on him coming back, more importantly you shouldn't want him back. He made a choice let him get on with it.

 

And all this talk of how long you waited before you slept with him is irrelevant . He waited didn't he? Had it been date 1, 4 or 24 it doesn't matter. If a man really likes you he will wait till you are ready.

 

I look at cheating this way. If my partner had to choose between me and another woman I would want him to go with the other women because if he really loved me then the other woman wouldn't exist and no choice would have to be made.

 

If you are honest with yourself you haven't moved on. For starters you're on this site looking for advice to get him back. What you are is keeping yourself busy which is great. You're dating other men. I get that you're not feeling it with these 2 guys but whose to say you won't with the guy after, or the one after that etc. Keep dating, keep busy and live your life assuming you'll never get back with your ex.

 

I speak as someone who still struggles to get over my ex of over a year ago. What I don't do is make plans to get him back. He too may have left me for another woman (possibly a lot younger too) but I don't know for sure. What I do know is he doesn't want to be with me. I've dated a lot of guys since and nothing has come of it as yet but I did click with a guy on Friday who wants to see me again so we'll see. I hope this happens for you.

 

xxxx

[Carpe-diem]

Suzie I mean, sorry for spelling name wrong.

[ja123]

@ Carpe-diem - you can press the "edit" button, if no one has posted after you, or not too much time has elapsed, should you want to make a correction.

[Suzie81]

Can I delete this whole convo/thread?

[BC1980]

Can I delete this whole convo/thread?

 

You can ask the moderators to shut it down.

[escafeld]

Nope. Didn't do that in my 20's. I was in a 10 yr relationship in my 20's.

 

That's all you got people? "Plan B" isn't what's happening here. What's happening is he is weak and fell into the trap of a kid who have him the affirmation and attention that made him feel like a king. It's not real. And I can't believe no one has any better advice. I mean yeah I have self esteem and ego and that's all bruised but I kinda think he made a mistake and we'd be really. Really. Good together. I'm not gonna contact him. Or be pathetic. I'm living my life. But in the case where I really think he made a mistake...is there nothing I can do? Even long term? No one agrees that after awhile, if I still feel this way, that I shojldnt tell him??

 

w o r k o n y o u r s e l f

[Suzie81]

Ok. Don't yell at me. I haven't blocked him on FB. are some

Posts a bit painful? Kinda. But the longer I'm away the more I realize I dodged a bullet. BUT why NC? Should I really not like

Posts that I honestly like and would have before we were dating? That looks....bad?

[BC1980]

Ok. Don't yell at me. I haven't blocked him on FB. are some

Posts a bit painful? Kinda. But the longer I'm away the more I realize I dodged a bullet. BUT why NC? Should I really not like

Posts that I honestly like and would have before we were dating? That looks....bad?

 

I think it depends on your motive for keeping him on FB and liking his statuses, ect. In the beginning of the thread, you said you were trying to get him back, so I assume you are keeping him on FB on the off chance of that happening. If you truly have no ulterior motive, then it doesn't matter if you keep him on FB or not, and it shouldn't bother you. Since you are asking the question, I think you probably do want him back and are keeping him on FB to check up on him and keep the door open. That kind of thing will drive you crazy, and it's not worth it. Social media is difficult enough for people with good self-esteem and a sense of reality who are not going through a breakup. I can't imagine how difficult social media would be for someone going through a breakup.