losing hope

[Haydn]

She liked your work. That won`t change. People are not out to get you Tux. Bosses don`t heap lavish praise even if you are outstanding. Focus less on what you perceive and more on what you do.

 

 

 

do you think I've ruined my reputation in the industry between this job and that disastrous internship with the terrible boss, or am I just being paranoid? It's just that everybody knows everybody. I'm worried that the CD I just worked for will talk to the woman who recommended me for this job and liked my work, and then even her impression will be tainted. It's almost like the more jobs I take on, the more damage I do to my reputation.

[xxoo]

I do expect that when a job ends and I may never see a person again, they'll give me a hug or shake my hand or say goodbye. That's pretty much a ritual. It's not like I was deeply offended or hurt, more just puzzled. I sort of took it as confirmation that they hadn't appreciated my work. I guess I'm overthinking it and need to stop caring about formalities.

 

Maybe it means they consider you part of the industry, and expect to see you again on another project.

[GemmaUK]

I'm going riiiight back to basics here...I do this...and it works...if I keep on top of it it works.

 

When you are talking to a new casting person make a folder with their name and their agency and copy everything into there. Every mail you send and every one you receive.

 

Have a folder for 'just' the agency and if they mention any names copy those into that named persons folder.

 

Quick access to mails sounds massively important...and it's easier and quicker to file than write things down.

 

I would also back this up with an Excel spreadsheet so that you can search a name or agency and quickly find who are linked.

In an Excel spreadsheet you can also copy the last reply from an email word for word into it so it's there f or you to access.

 

I don't have Excel at home but I can help you to build something like this and how to use it if you haven't used it before.

[cerridwen]

Hi again,

 

From an outsider's perspective, here's what I see:

 

• An unrealistic expectation of yourself
  
• An unrelenting perfectionist streak that doesn't allow for any learning curve
  
• A vicious internal dialogue that has your inner critic running amok
  
• A skewed perspective of how serious your social missteps are
  
• Buying in to believing your emotions are accurately reflecting the situation at hand
  

 

 

"I made it through and got the job done -- all of the shows went smoothly and we found good people -- but I could tell that I appeared incompetent to them along the way."

 

This is a pretty good example of what I see as a painful problem.

You want to be flawless.

You don't allow yourself a human moment because you equate that with being flawed.

But how on earth could you have NOT had missteps with this being your first time on the job?

And frankly, having to pause and find notes barely registers on the Misstep Scale.

I should know, since I built it.

 

And you also don't celebrate your successes!

They chose 9 our of your 11 casting finds, T.

That's huge!

THAT is what makes an impression.

 

I remember our sensitivity results when we took that informal test, remember?

Your results were high--and you're an anxious person.

Coupled with a perfectionist streak, I'm not surprised you're reacting strongly to things.

It's easy to get caught up in emotions that we mistake for being absolute truths about reality.

 

That's why I like Serial Muse's suggestion of CBT exercises.

I also really, really, REALLY recommend some Eckhart Tolle and/or Jon Kabat-Zinn.

If you can learn to take a step back and be an observer of your emotions, rather than being caught up in their vortex, you'll find more peace.

 

As for moving to LA, I'm of two minds.

I've worked there and New York in a fast-paced industry full of cocks and robbers.

LA will bring its own set of issues.

Best to strengthen your inner core so no matter your workplace, you'll be on more solid footing.

Edited September 11, 2014 by cerridwen

[tuxedo cat]

Hi again,

 

From an outsider's perspective, here's what I see:

 

• An unrealistic expectation of yourself
  
• An unrelenting perfectionist streak that doesn't allow for any learning curve
  
• A vicious internal dialogue that has your inner critic running amok
  
• A skewed perspective of how serious your social missteps are
  
• Buying in to believing your emotions are accurately reflecting the situation at hand
  

 

 

"I made it through and got the job done -- all of the shows went smoothly and we found good people -- but I could tell that I appeared incompetent to them along the way."

 

This is a pretty good example of what I see as a painful problem.

You want to be flawless.

You don't allow yourself a human moment because you equate that with being flawed.

But how on earth could you have NOT had missteps with this being your first time on the job?

And frankly, having to pause and find notes barely registers on the Misstep Scale.

I should know, since I built it.

 

And you also don't celebrate your successes!

They chose 9 our of your 11 casting finds, T.

That's huge!

THAT is what makes an impression.

 

I remember our sensitivity results when we took that informal test, remember?

Your results were high--and you're an anxious person.

Coupled with a perfectionist streak, I'm not surprised you're reacting strongly to things.

It's easy to get caught up in emotions that we mistake for being absolute truths about reality.

 

That's why I like Serial Muse's suggestion of CBT exercises.

I also really, really, REALLY recommend some Eckhart Tolle and/or Jon Kabat-Zinn.

If you can learn to take a step back and be an observer of your emotions, rather than being caught up in their vortex, you'll find more peace.

 

As for moving to LA, I'm of two minds.

I've worked there and New York in a fast-paced industry full of cocks and robbers.

LA will bring its own set of issues.

Best to strengthen your inner core so no matter your workplace, you'll be on more solid footing.

 

Thanks for the advice as always. I agree that I need to strengthen my core. This weekend im going to do some research on low income health care. Since I moved to ny I haven't had insurance for financial reasons but I also haven't really done my research. I'm hoping to get into therapy and also get medicated for my anxiety and adhd.

 

What set of problems do you think LA would bring?

 

I do feel good about my performance at that other job. The difficulty is finding another one like it, a job that is results based. As carhill said in another thread a lot of creative jobs base performance on something more nebulous: ideas that don't necessarily come to fruition, schmoozing, wardrobe. That's where I run into difficulty. Im good at creative problem solving and i know I can deliver results; I just need to find a context where that gets appreciation.

[tuxedo cat]

Had my first real day at my new two day a week internship. It's a pretty low key affair compared to my other jobs: a tiny cozy office in a casting director"s basement complete with a scraggly cat. The place feels like a family. It's still not a perfect fit but I feel more at ease with the girls here. They are just normal, friendly people. There isnt the palpable layer of ugliness beneath the surface or the feeling that everyone cries themselves to sleep at night. There also isn't the same desperation to be hip. I don't feel all that anxious so far and I don't think I've been awkward. Today my supervisor took me aside and said "btw the casting director already loves you."

[Leigh 87]

I forgot to mention that they barely thanked me for my work. Yesterday was the last day and after the show was over we left lincoln center in search of cabs. As we parted ways on the street neither of them said goodbye to me, gave me a hug or thanked me. It was so strange that I thought maybe I had the schedule wrong and was working again tomorrow. I looked at my schedule when I got home to confirm that it was the last day. I got a very email that night from the casting director thanking me...but still. You basically live with somebody for two weeks and can't even be bothered to thank them in person and give them a parting hug?

 

Whatever, I'm over it.

 

 

 

By all accounts, these people simply aren't very friendly.

 

I know people with high pressure jobs who take the time to thank people who worked for them, even if they ended up not being successful.

 

These people obviously get ahead through doing it all, having immediate answers to everything, and discovering how to do new things flawlessly from day one, even in a new job with little to no instruction from their superiors.

 

Being 'nice' is not something that will get you far in the fashion world. LOL.

 

I know of jobs that involve high sales targets where I fell short yet he managers at least took the time to tell me " Leigh, you were a hard worker and you are a nice girl, ____ and so on and so fourth, but you simply lack the experience to be thrown in the deep end"

 

Good managers and bosses take the time to thank people and offer them helpful feedback!

 

 

 

 

 

Heck, I had a friend who was a personal training manager at a major gym. A trainer had a gas problem. Seriously, they farted around clients regularly.

Yet the manager didn't just give this unfortunately gassy trainer a dirty, irritated look and tell them to clear their things out. No, the manager actually took the trainer aside and had to put themselves in a uncomfortable situation, whereby the manager carefully explained that their gas problem was repelling clients, and could they please get it medically checked since they were otherwise a good trainer and the manager, although they weren't willing to keep the trainer on themselves, still thanked them, gave them very difficult to deliver "feedback", and actually ENCOURAGED them to remedy their gas problem because they were otherwise good trainers.

[Leigh 87]

Forgot to mention that everyone keeps saying how "nice" I am. I don't know how many times in the last year I've been told I'm one of the "nicest people" somebody has ever met. I guess it's because I'm always friendly, gracious and don't partake in gossip. But if anything, I think being nice is a strike against me and makes me seem like an outsider to others. It's sort of like being a nice guy in the dating world.

 

 

 

 

This constantly happens to me too. Always told how "nice" and "polite" I am to clients in every job I have had:(

 

It backfires if you are seen as too nice and a pushover, or worse still, overly sensitive. Bullies thrive on people like us, as they feel they can control us and get us to work unreasonably hard or face the dreaded "criticism" or berating they think we so fear.

 

I remedy this by doing the job at hand and purely focusing on the job, smiling and speaking keenly only when spoken to, and not going out of my way to talk to people to compliment their outfit or say encouraging things to them all the time.

 

I haven't gotten those " you are so nice" comments lately, but I am sure I still come across very personable, just without the excessive "niceness" factor, haha.

 

Um, I don't think the fashion industry lends itself well to overtly "nice" people... it seems cut throat, perhaps a more steely, professional persona is what hey are after? Someone that just comes in and does the job, and is pleasant when spoken to? I am just taking a few guesses I could be wrong!

[Friggia]

Tuxedo,

 

I can totally identify with your work-related struggles due to possible ADD, problems with women, feeling like your lack of social skills is holding you back. It's like you are me! I'm 27 and it also took me a really long time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Just finished up my third internship... Creative/entertainment field as well. At my second internship I was forced out by my female boss who I knew as a fact hated "weird introverts" and had other behavioral issues that brought out avoidant behaviors in me. HER boss said she had no authority and asked me to stay, but how could I? And at the one I just finished... my female boss is nice enough but there have definitely been problems and a feeling of "offness." My first internship had a male boss and I felt waaay more comfortable. I think I just feel inferior to other women because I can't express myself very well, and knowing the harsh things they often say about fellow people when they are not around - well, it just makes me that much more guarded, I guess. I haven't had a true female friend since high school (she was very, very tomboy and easygoing).

 

If I were to re-do my life from the beginning, I would re-do only two things: Make some different educational choices, and make more of an effort to socialize in my formative years instead of becoming too comfortable being a loner. I think those two would have made all the difference in making my life slightly better today.

[Friggia]

My uncle works in the film industry and has worked in L.A. and he also hated it there. I'll see him in a few weeks and ask him why!

[Leigh 87]

Tuxedo,

 

I can totally identify with your work-related struggles due to possible ADD, problems with women, feeling like your lack of social skills is holding you back. It's like you are me! I'm 27 and it also took me a really long time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Just finished up my third internship... Creative/entertainment field as well. At my second internship I was forced out by my female boss who I knew as a fact hated "weird introverts" and had other behavioral issues that brought out avoidant behaviors in me. HER boss said she had no authority and asked me to stay, but how could I? And at the one I just finished... my female boss is nice enough but there have definitely been problems and a feeling of "offness." My first internship had a male boss and I felt waaay more comfortable. I think I just feel inferior to other women because I can't express myself very well, and knowing the harsh things they often say about fellow people when they are not around - well, it just makes me that much more guarded, I guess. I haven't had a true female friend since high school (she was very, very tomboy and easygoing).

 

If I were to re-do my life from the beginning, I would re-do only two things: Make some different educational choices, and make more of an effort to socialize in my formative years instead of becoming too comfortable being a loner. I think those two would have made all the difference in making my life slightly better today.

 

 

Wow well its admirable that you still go for internship and try your best to gain employment despite some setbacks.

 

Personality is key I believe.. Like Art Critic said in my other thread, sometimes you can nail a job interview but your personality is not a good fit for the company....

 

I am also a weird sort of a person lol but I do get along with people easily. I enjoy chatting to people on trains, I have an easygoing, bubbly and positive persona about me. I definately enjoy meeting and talking with new people and finding out all about them.

 

So I'm strange too in ways lol but I still get along with people for the most part.

 

I'm highly sociable and I make friends easily lol. My social skills are fine.

It's because too many people apply for the same role that I miss out.

 

I can't me that crap lol since I get to the final round for 50 K positions in the leading companies. I get through at least two interviews and I have beat literally 2000 applicants and then I have beaten 50 people who were interviewed, on two occasions.

 

I'm obviously not the best person for the jobs and there are things I need to work on in how I interview, but I have gained such confident in simply having interviews and u am very proud that I even made it to the final interview for some decent positions where they really aim high with each interview selection.....

[Leigh 87]

Apologies ^^^

 

I thought this was MY thread, LOL.

 

 

Ignore my response, sorry tuxedo cat, I though that poster was responding to my thread!

 

Good luck with everything.

[tuxedo cat]

This nightmare never seems to end.

[Leigh 87]

This nightmare never seems to end.

 

 

 

Is everything okay?

 

Sorry about my comment, I though the guy was commenting in my thread not yours, sorry if it bothered you.

 

What has happened this time, in your work?

[Almond_Joy]

The last few nights I've spent hours on the internet trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I researched a bunch of different disorders and disabilities but for most don't fit enough criteria. Then I read about ADHD and felt like I was reading about myself. Poor attention. Forgetfulness. Impatience. Social difficulties. I know it runs in my family and I've always thought I might have it but never took it that seriously.

 

 

This part in particular of your OP popped out to me because I went through the same pattern and came to the same conclusion. The more stressful the job became the more I was convinced I had ADD. Maybe since it runs in your family it could be that, but if this is the first time you've ever considered that you have it, I'd recommend reassessing just the job like you're doing here without sort of self-diagnosing. Because all of the problems you mentioned noticing are also symptoms of severe stress.

 

 

I havent read the rest of the thread, just wanted to comment on that particular point. I hope you've found a suitable solution to this situation though .

[tuxedo cat]

I was upset on Friday night because I feel like I've already blown this new internship. The trouble is when my supervisor complimented me after the first day I started actually caring about my performance, which led to anxiety. My attempts to be more social did not go well. I'm working with another intern who has been there since July and is bffs with the supervisor (they're both early twenties).

 

We have virtually no work to do so I sit there for eight hours while they gossip with each other and ignore me. I tried to enter their conversation to no avail. They and the casting director are all very religious and half of their conversation revolves around their common religion, which is uncomfortable for me. I was just hoping this internship might be different from the one before, that I could build connections with people.

 

My brother got married this weekend and I went home for the wedding. I was happy for him but I also found the wedding depressing in some ways. My brother must have asked me five times in front of everybody present whether I'm seeing somebody and why I don't have a husband. Knowing my brother it was probably 80% obliviousness, 15% concern, and 5% malice.

 

In general, my relatives treated me with a mixture of concern and criticism that I found distressing. My uncle and aunt are critical and nosy people and they kept prying about whether I'm getting paid for the work I'm doing now (like the fashion week gig), how much I'm getting paid. They also emphasized how hard my line of work is to get into. I know that's true, but I resent having it rubbed in my face.

 

In a family full of self-assured and cocky PhDs and MDs, I simply do not fit in. The only solace I found yesterday was connecting with my 88-year-old grandmother who exists on the fringes of the family like me. People speak to her in condescending tones as if she has dementia ("how ARE you MOM?") and she isn't included in the action, despite the fact that she is an intelligent woman who hasn't lost a trace of her sharpness. Two out of her three children ignore her for no apparent reason and I can sense that she feels overlooked and obsolete. She is still consumed with grief over the death of my grandfather three years ago.

 

She makes comments to me about her physical decline; she is unable to walk on her own but refuses a walker. I can tell that she is deeply depressed and I do not know what to say to her because I can feel her sadness and understand that there is no silver lining or escape when it comes to death. I understand how even my mother's genuine attempts to make her more physically comfortable by taking her to the doctor to get every scrape examined and micromanaging her diet only make her feel worse because they are not curing the real problem. I think I've been able to make her feel a little better just by acknowledging her struggle, something her other relatives haven't done because they're too afraid to face their own mortality. I've always thought it was odd how people treat death at a young age like a tragedy but do not give death in old age the same weight. Isn't natural death crueler because it usually comes after a steady decline and after a person has wracked up more experiences, giving them a tighter hold on life? I think natural death is only easier from an outside perspective in which you view another's life as a story with a traditional arc.

Edited September 22, 2014 by tuxedo cat

[Friggia]

"In a family full of self-assured and cocky PhDs and MDs..."

 

I thought you wrote somewhere that you couldn't ask your family for money because they were too poor and couldn't afford to eat?

 

 

I think I've been able to make her feel a little better just by acknowledging her struggle, something her other relatives haven't done because they're too afraid to face their own mortality.

 

I went through the deepest, most rock-bottom depression of my life for three months when I just randomly had a thought one day about death being the absolute end and then started to panic, and now my sort-of ex is going through the same thing. It's actually the reason we're "broken up" now (in a mutually agreed upon no-contact period until Xmas), because he feels really awful and wants to work through his feelings about the recent deaths of several members of his family alone. I think he inherited severe bipolar disorder from his mother, so at the moment it feels like a loss of the person I once fell in love with and I don't know when or if ever he will be the same again. I sure hope so, I'm a little nervous about Xmas. I can take my mind off it by focusing on things that support me and that I can control.

 

Nowadays, thinking about the mystery of death helps me by putting my problems into perspective and helping me focus more on the positives. What's the use of wallowing in thoughts that make you unhappy when you know loss of everything is inevitable?

 

I might think, sure, my boss is always working because she gets referrals all the time and I always have to hustle for attention. But on the positive side, I don't have nearly the amount of education she does so I started from scratch working my way up, I do manage to find a lot of interesting work still all on my own, I have supportive parents, and I know that I'm limited by brain chemistry but I'm still doing pretty well in spite of it.

 

I might think, sure, my boyfriend whom I've loved for 8.5 years is now my ex. But on the positive side, my situation isn't the worst, we were a very co-dependent couple and I passed up a lot of opportunities to be with him. Loss of a loved one is 100% guaranteed, sad but true. Now that I have all this free time I can re-discover who I am and build my own self up and learn how to make my own self happy.

 

In a nutshell, it could be worse

[jonsnuh]

I was upset on Friday night because I feel like I've already blown this new internship. The trouble is when my supervisor complimented me after the first day I started actually caring about my performance, which led to anxiety. My attempts to be more social did not go well. I'm working with another intern who has been there since July and is bffs with the supervisor (they're both early twenties).

 

We have virtually no work to do so I sit there for eight hours while they gossip with each other and ignore me. I tried to enter their conversation to no avail. They and the casting director are all very religious and half of their conversation revolves around their common religion, which is uncomfortable for me. I was just hoping this internship might be different from the one before, that I could build connections with people.

 

My brother got married this weekend and I went home for the wedding. I was happy for him but I also found the wedding depressing in some ways. My brother must have asked me five times in front of everybody present whether I'm seeing somebody and why I don't have a husband. Knowing my brother it was probably 80% obliviousness, 15% concern, and 5% malice.

 

In general, my relatives treated me with a mixture of concern and criticism that I found distressing. My uncle and aunt are critical and nosy people and they kept prying about whether I'm getting paid for the work I'm doing now (like the fashion week gig), how much I'm getting paid. They also emphasized how hard my line of work is to get into. I know that's true, but I resent having it rubbed in my face.

 

In a family full of self-assured and cocky PhDs and MDs, I simply do not fit in. The only solace I found yesterday was connecting with my 88-year-old grandmother who exists on the fringes of the family like me. People speak to her in condescending tones as if she has dementia ("how ARE you MOM?") and she isn't included in the action, despite the fact that she is an intelligent woman who hasn't lost a trace of her sharpness. Two out of her three children ignore her for no apparent reason and I can sense that she feels overlooked and obsolete. She is still consumed with grief over the death of my grandfather three years ago.

 

She makes comments to me about her physical decline; she is unable to walk on her own but refuses a walker. I can tell that she is deeply depressed and I do not know what to say to her because I can feel her sadness and understand that there is no silver lining or escape when it comes to death. I understand how even my mother's genuine attempts to make her more physically comfortable by taking her to the doctor to get every scrape examined and micromanaging her diet only make her feel worse because they are not curing the real problem. I think I've been able to make her feel a little better just by acknowledging her struggle, something her other relatives haven't done because they're too afraid to face their own mortality. I've always thought it was odd how people treat death at a young age like a tragedy but do not give death in old age the same weight. Isn't natural death crueler because it usually comes after a steady decline and after a person has wracked up more experiences, giving them a tighter hold on life? I think natural death is only easier from an outside perspective in which you view another's life as a story with a traditional arc.

 

May I just say that you write really well? Even with no PhD or MD, it seems like you are very self-conscientious and a deep thinker. Runs in the family.

[tuxedo cat]

"In a family full of self-assured and cocky PhDs and MDs..."

 

I thought you wrote somewhere that you couldn't ask your family for money because they were too poor and couldn't afford to eat?

 

 

 

I went through the deepest, most rock-bottom depression of my life for three months when I just randomly had a thought one day about death being the absolute end and then started to panic, and now my sort-of ex is going through the same thing. It's actually the reason we're "broken up" now (in a mutually agreed upon no-contact period until Xmas), because he feels really awful and wants to work through his feelings about the recent deaths of several members of his family alone. I think he inherited severe bipolar disorder from his mother, so at the moment it feels like a loss of the person I once fell in love with and I don't know when or if ever he will be the same again. I sure hope so, I'm a little nervous about Xmas. I can take my mind off it by focusing on things that support me and that I can control.

 

Nowadays, thinking about the mystery of death helps me by putting my problems into perspective and helping me focus more on the positives. What's the use of wallowing in thoughts that make you unhappy when you know loss of everything is inevitable?

 

I might think, sure, my boss is always working because she gets referrals all the time and I always have to hustle for attention. But on the positive side, I don't have nearly the amount of education she does so I started from scratch working my way up, I do manage to find a lot of interesting work still all on my own, I have supportive parents, and I know that I'm limited by brain chemistry but I'm still doing pretty well in spite of it.

 

I might think, sure, my boyfriend whom I've loved for 8.5 years is now my ex. But on the positive side, my situation isn't the worst, we were a very co-dependent couple and I passed up a lot of opportunities to be with him. Loss of a loved one is 100% guaranteed, sad but true. Now that I have all this free time I can re-discover who I am and build my own self up and learn how to make my own self happy.

 

In a nutshell, it could be worse

 

That's correct. Both my parents have Phds but my father has been out of work for years and my mother doesn't have a high paying job. My parents made a series of disastrous financial decisions when they were young that ruined their credit and depleted their savings. My mother's family is fairly well off but her parents are funny about money and never helped us out, even when we almost lost our house.

 

More on the rest of your post when I get home

[tuxedo cat]

May I just say that you write really well? Even with no PhD or MD, it seems like you are very self-conscientious and a deep thinker. Runs in the family.

 

Thank you.

[endlessabyss]

I can relate to a lot of what is going on in this thread. I'm also an introvert, working in a field built for extroverts. I tend to spend a lot of my time at work beating myself up, because my colleagues are so well spoken, and I struggle with communication.

 

I remember a couple months ago a colleague and I held a broker event, and there were many times I had got excluded from the conversations. Not only did I have nothing interesting to add to the conversations, because of my lack of experience, but I just felt out of place amongst so many loud, extroverted people. Everyone seemed so witty, and high energy, and I am the complete opposite.

 

I remember my boss just rifling off so many ideas when we were in conversation, I didn't have enough time to process what he was saying, and I was saying things that didn't make any sense in reply.

 

Another time I was trying to give a tour of a home, and one client expounded to my manager I was awkward lol. I could hear them in the other room laughing. Another tour I gave, I had clients laugh right in front of me because of my social skills. This particular instance I was just gassed from speaking to people all day, and when I got to these particular people I was on E.

 

If you can't communicate well, what can you do in this world? I get nervous that I will lose my job when my boss actually sees me in action.

 

I'm trying my best, and that is all I can really do. I do what is asked of me, show up on time, don't miss days...

 

Have to keep on trucking. If you're persistent, and don't give up, you will survive.

 

We're all going to make it.

Edited September 23, 2014 by endlessabyss

[cerridwen]

Thanks for the advice as always. I agree that I need to strengthen my core. This weekend im going to do some research on low income health care. Since I moved to ny I haven't had insurance for financial reasons but I also haven't really done my research. I'm hoping to get into therapy and also get medicated for my anxiety and adhd.

 

I'm glad to hear you'll be including therapy.

 

Medication is only part of the picture and my impression is your self-loathing and perception need more immediate addressing on a cognitive level.

 

Meds may help calm you, but your thought patterns!

They need taming!

 

In addition to CBT,

look up the practice of radical self-acceptance and see if it resonates. It can help with self-aversion.

 

Also, while you're shopping for a therapist, consider meditation to quiet your mind.

Classes are often free and you can practice at home.

 

 

What set of problems do you think LA would bring?

 

In a phrase? Wherever you go, there you are.

Despite being gorgeous and clever,

I could easily see you succumbing to self-loathing when surrounded by the beautifully vacuous, and materialistically-minded of L.A..

 

On the surface, it's laid-back but especially in your industry, it's as shallow as a dew drop.

 

You're a young, lovely, thin woman.

Without your core being solid and more unflappable, L.A. can make you feel like a chunky lumpy gremlin.

 

At work, be prepared for sneers and overt judgement on who you date, where you live, what you have, who you know (or don't).

You already judge yourself harshly!

Do you see the potential problems?

 

You live from the outside in; external factors blow you around like a leaf in the wind.

Do your inner work and get strong.

Then live from the inside out.

 

xx

Edited September 25, 2014 by cerridwen

[tuxedo cat]

I'm glad to hear you'll be including therapy.

 

Medication is only part of the picture and my impression is your self-loathing and perception need more immediate addressing on a cognitive level.

 

Meds may help calm you, but your thought patterns!

They need taming!

 

In addition to CBT,

look up the practice of radical self-acceptance and see if it resonates. It can help with self-aversion.

 

Also, while you're shopping for a therapist, consider meditation to quiet your mind.

Classes are often free and you can practice at home.

 

 

 

 

In a phrase? Wherever you go, there you are.

Despite being gorgeous and clever,

I could easily see you succumbing to self-loathing when surrounded by the beautifully vacuous, and materialistically-minded of L.A..

 

On the surface, it's laid-back but especially in your industry, it's as shallow as a dew drop.

 

You're a young, lovely, thin woman.

Without your core being solid and more unflappable, L.A. can make you feel like a chunky lumpy gremlin.

 

At work, be prepared for sneers and overt judgement on who you date, where you live, what you have, who you know (or don't).

You already judge yourself harshly!

Do you see the potential problems?

 

You live from the outside in; external factors blow you around like a leaf in the wind.

Do your inner work and get strong.

Then live from the inside out.

 

xx

 

Hey! Have I mentioned that you're awesome?

 

I agree with you that I need to work from the inside out. My grandmother of all people has offered to help pay for a few therapy sessions for me. She's rarely this generous and I'm just scraping by on my own, so I'm touched.

 

You're probably right that LA wouldn't be a cure. I've only been there once, for a week, mostly sightseeing, but before ruling it out I'd love to visit again and observe some people in the field to see how they compare to NYers. All I know is I really do not fit in here, more so than any other place I've lived, so right now it's kind of hard for me to imagine a worse environment.

[cerridwen]

Hey! Have I mentioned that you're awesome?

 

I agree with you that I need to work from the inside out. My grandmother of all people has offered to help pay for a few therapy sessions for me. She's rarely this generous and I'm just scraping by on my own, so I'm touched.

 

<3

 

 

You're probably right that LA wouldn't be a cure. I've only been there once, for a week, mostly sightseeing, but before ruling it out I'd love to visit again and observe some people in the field to see how they compare to NYers. All I know is I really do not fit in here, more so than any other place I've lived, so right now it's kind of hard for me to imagine a worse environment.

 

There's nowhere to go but up, huh?

Well, at least that holds a weird sort of promise.

 

Tara Brach's Radical Self-Acceptance is on CD from Sounds True, or in audiobook.

Could make for productive listening during your trip out here.

Know the subtitle is " A Buddhist Guide to Free Yourself From Shame" but try not to let that put you off.

I have gifted it to both Buddhists and non-Buddhists with positive outcomes for both.

 

Anyway,wishing you well.

And since you're coming to our state, mind bringing a little rain with you?

We could use the relief during this 100% drought.

Edited October 1, 2014 by cerridwen