When do you stop fighting for a girl?

[preraph]

so you talk to a guy online a lot and u have no attraction to? my friend who is a girl says that if a girl talks to you a lot online she must like you. i guess you must be a attention seeking girl?

u lead guys on by tqlking to them a lot! how else do we guys know whether a girl likes us?!!

 

Sorry didn't see this for so long. Yes, I've talked to guys online I had no interest in other than friends. Now, this is not OLD guys. This is guys I met online who liked the same band as me or things like that. We have stuff to talk about. I've had dinner with them before concerts and stuff that I considered meeting a friend.

[LostOnes05]

I understand exactly how you feel UltimaWeapon. I am in the same situation as you at the moment. I was angry, saddened, felt mislead, felt my time was wasted. But a buddy of mine told me something that stuck in my head the other day. I try to keep repeating that to myself because it definitely makes sense. He said, "Never try to keep someone in your life that doesn't want to keep you". Like you, I was in a 5 yr relationship that ended with her cheating on me, tried the online thing and interacted with 2 women (different time periods). Both became flakes, didn't know what they wanted, had feelings for someone else from their past, etc. I too was perplexed at the ability to lead someone on until they literally pulled the info out. Am I still a bit pissed...yep. I can never have that time back. What I have learned from all three situations has been to take a step back, look at the effort I'm putting in (is she matching or surpassing that), does she continually flake, is she emotionally attached to someone else, how does she react when I bring it up as an issue. When I gather my thoughts on this in the future I can make a swift and logical decision based off of HER actions, and not MY feelings. I hope this perspective helps you out a bit. But you do have every right to be pissed off, you were played. I was/am haha. It'll pass though. Women do this whether it's OLD or if you met them on the street. Keep us informed about your progress and best of luck bro!!

[preraph]

So the male version of having their time wasted and feeling used is a woman who is friendly but won't have sex. And the female version of having their time wasted and feeling used is when the man is having sex with her pretending to be serious and stringing her along just to keep having sex.

[moie]

hey ultimate weapon you tried your best dude, but come on every one here can tell you would eventually wanted her to be do more than hangout. She seemed to have rejected you passively, I am sorry that its getting bleaker.

[UltimaWeapon]

She told me over the phone- she thinks I'm a player and I just want to have sex with her. I told her right away I don't care about that and I just and to get to know her better and that I'm not the player type. It was never about hooking up with her - I just wanted to legit just get to know her better in person. I'm not driven by sex- I actually want a normal girl to care for and love first and foremost. The rest comes after.

 

She txted me today basically she doesn't have time to get into anythin now and wants to still continue talking to me. She says she has been very exhausted. She works 2 jobs and doesn't have time to start anything.her dad is out of the picture too so her family situation doesn't look good at all as well - it seems that the financial burden is on her from what I could tell ( I never asked )

 

How do I proceed? I haven't replied yet. I want this girl but I can't be her texting buddy - I told her this before - so I don't know why she said this again. Nothing seems to change

[mightycpa]

Why is this thread still alive?

 

This:

 

She is essentially scared of putting in any effort and says she isn't sure how she feels for me ( This is based off one time that we saw each other)

 

She doesn't like you in that way. She is sure about that. You may have a very good idea about this, that it takes longer than one meeting or 6000 texts to get to know somebody. You just might be right about that. But that doesn't matter. She decides what her criteria are for dating people or seeing them again or even talking to them. She decides, not you. If she sees you drink ice water, and she decides that based on that, you're not for her, you don't get to judge that. You don't get to tell her that's wrong. You just need to live with it.

 

And this:

 

There is approx 4000 people maybe in the city- rough estimate. out of a million. It's not like I am back home and the entire population are people from my country. It makes it that much more difficult...Having recently turned 24, I have realized I can only be with and date people from my country and I don't want to get myself into anything else because it isn't what I want. I feel like that completely holds me back and puts me in a situation where I do not have many options- especially in the city I live in.

 

You're absolutely right. You're in the wrong country. If this is how you feel AND you want a girl, you need to move.

 

Oh, and that first thing about how people make up their own rules? I think your "my country only" rule is really stupid. Almost as stupid as my ice water example. But you know what? I'm not you. I can't say you're wrong for you.

 

And finally, this:

 

I skipped over a lot of posts. I'm sure there are a bunch of posts that are just as inane in those two pages I skipped. But they are just icing on the cake. This one is easy:

 

MOVE ON AND DON'T LOOK BACK

[Supernatural]

No matter what anyone says to you, or advice they give, you won't hear it. Your whole summer was essentially a nightmare because of this girl. And you keep letting it happen and persist. You need to just break all contact and let go. Move on and find a woman who has integrity.

[purplesoccer34]

It's hard to know for sure whether she really played you. She might have played you, or she might have genuinely been confused as to what to do. She might have been trying to figure out whether she actually has feelings for you. Whatever it is, you don't want to be with someone like her. Ideally, you want to be with someone who knows that she likes you and only you. These are the ones worth spending time and energy for. When I know that I like a guy for sure, I'd be jumping into his arms without even thinking about it, and I definitely wouldn't think about being with any other guy. I'd like it if a guy felt the same way about me, and I'm sure you'd like it if a girl felt the same way about you.

 

I know how you feel about her being from the same country and all. I understand the feeling of familiarity that comes from dating someone from your country. I've only have 2 exes--one was from the same country as me, and the other wasn't. But with all this being said, it's really better to keep an open mind. Everyone's different and an individual's personality and character are more important than anything, but do what works for you. The important thing here is to move on from her--there are so many other girls out there.

Edited September 22, 2014 by purplesoccer34

[UltimaWeapon]

I want my kids to grow up speaking my language. my ex of 4.5 years wasn't from my country and I have grown a lot since that experience and I know that the person I end up being with must fulfill that criteria. It's one of those things I have learnt about my self and growing up I realized you need to keep your culture especially in a multi-cultural country.

[stillafool]

 

In 4 years. this is the third girl that I have felt something for.

 

Perhaps it's the same with this girl. It takes alot for her to feel something for a guy and it just wasn't there for her. I think the lesson learned from this is not to spend too much time when the other person doesn't feel the same as you do.

[mightycpa]

I want my kids to grow up speaking my language. my ex of 4.5 years wasn't from my country and I have grown a lot since that experience and I know that the person I end up being with must fulfill that criteria. It's one of those things I have learnt about my self and growing up I realized you need to keep your culture especially in a multi-cultural country.

 

Bull****. When in Rome, do as the Romans. Leave your foreign values in your foreign country, or stay there and deal with whatever your culture has wrought.

[UltimaWeapon]

It's hard to know for sure whether she really played you. She might have played you, or she might have genuinely been confused as to what to do. She might have been trying to figure out whether she actually has feelings for you. Whatever it is, you don't want to be with someone like her. Ideally, you want to be with someone who knows that she likes you and only you. These are the ones worth spending time and energy for. When I know that I like a guy for sure, I'd be jumping into his arms without even thinking about it, and I definitely wouldn't think about being with any other guy. I'd like it if a guy felt the same way about me, and I'm sure you'd like it if a girl felt the same way about you.

 

I know how you feel about her being from the same country and all. I understand the feeling of familiarity that comes from dating someone from your country. I've only have 2 exes--one was from the same country as me, and the other wasn't. But with all this being said, it's really better to keep an open mind. Everyone's different and an individual's personality and character are more important than anything, but do what works for you. The important thing here is to move on from her--there are so many other girls out there.

 

The whole problem with that is- she kept saying I can't wait to see you when are you coming back. For me to come back and for her to not want to put in any effort to see me. That is what boils my blood. I haven't ever experienced something like this and the people that know this story are also shocked that this actually happened.

 

How will you know how you feel for someone if you don't see them in person and develop that?? You can't know over text.

 

That is where the issue lies here. The fact we talked this long showed that there is something there- we made out in person and when we did see each other things were very positive: held hands, she was shy around me, told me we were on the same page and she wanted to take things slow. etc.

 

The fact is she just does not want to further develop those feelings for whatever reason and than texts me today saying the same stuff she has been saying that she just doesn't have time to develop anything now but still wants to talk to me?

 

If you enjoy talking to me, you told me many times you think I am attractive and that I am an amazing guy. You showed me in person you are attracted to me.. You talked to me this long- you showed all signs you are interested. How is it that hard to make time to see me for an hour of coffee? I wasn't asking for much!

 

Sorry for the rant - I just am incredibly pissed off at how woman can be at this day and age. I feel like a moron who invested so much - I was led to believe something would happen and than for it all to come crashing in my face for no reason whatsoever.

 

Like what am I suppose to say to her text after that? like its fkin stupid

Edited September 22, 2014 by UltimaWeapon

[UltimaWeapon]

I understand exactly how you feel UltimaWeapon. I am in the same situation as you at the moment. I was angry, saddened, felt mislead, felt my time was wasted. But a buddy of mine told me something that stuck in my head the other day. I try to keep repeating that to myself because it definitely makes sense. He said, "Never try to keep someone in your life that doesn't want to keep you". Like you, I was in a 5 yr relationship that ended with her cheating on me, tried the online thing and interacted with 2 women (different time periods). Both became flakes, didn't know what they wanted, had feelings for someone else from their past, etc. I too was perplexed at the ability to lead someone on until they literally pulled the info out. Am I still a bit pissed...yep. I can never have that time back. What I have learned from all three situations has been to take a step back, look at the effort I'm putting in (is she matching or surpassing that), does she continually flake, is she emotionally attached to someone else, how does she react when I bring it up as an issue. When I gather my thoughts on this in the future I can make a swift and logical decision based off of HER actions, and not MY feelings. I hope this perspective helps you out a bit. But you do have every right to be pissed off, you were played. I was/am haha. It'll pass though. Women do this whether it's OLD or if you met them on the street. Keep us informed about your progress and best of luck bro!!

 

Thank you for the kind words man. I appreciate it, and its comforting knowing you know exactly how I feel because its a very messed up situation to be in. I have never had this happen to me before so it was all new to me. I didn't know someone can be that hot and cold in a matter of a few days/weeks. Where you say one thing but do another. The anger and the fact that I feel like a puppet being led on - is what gets to me and the fact I actually believed her words and she would keep her promises.

 

It doesn't help that she texted me today saying the same things she has always been saying but that she still wants to talk to me. I told her many times I wasn't gona be her texting buddy and that I can't wait around for her- I dono why she would still mention that.

 

like common...

Edited September 22, 2014 by UltimaWeapon

[ThorntonMelon]

OP - only other advice I can give you is advice you're not going to like to hear, but it's something you'll look back on and I hope see as accurate in the future.

 

You're out of your mind with grief right now. Like bat**** crazy. And that's OK - we've all been there. The reality is that you allowed yourself to feel things that the situation didn't call for - that is, we shouldn't be attaching to people who aren't trustworthy to be attached to. Again, not criticizing, most of us are here because of that.

 

Therapists are best for dealing with this. You have to talk it to death for a while, but it clicks in - there's something in your wiring that allows you to attach to people who give you less than what you deserve and desire, and until you can rid yourself of that, you won't grow. And once you realize your feelings and desires are the prize, you'll radiate all those things you want.

 

Find a therapist you trust and commit to the process.

[UltimaWeapon]

I am extremely confused on what to do at this point.

 

Since she texted me yesterday saying she wants to continue to talk to me even though she can't get into anything now- (due to her 2 jobs and her commitment issues, scared to get hurt, has certain short term goals she wants to achieve like move into a new house with her mom and her family expects stuff out of her that if she got in a relationship would potentially hold her back)..whatever the reasons are at this point that she mentioned in the past to me.

 

I don't know much about her family problems but it seems as if she is in a situation where she has to work 2 jobs to pay for everything. I can see what she means when she says in the text " I have been really exhausted lately- and she has no time for anything whatsoever now."

 

I know that I can't be her texting buddy- a part of me feels if we stay in contact that things could eventually change.

 

I know the majority of you will say to move on. I really like this girl and see something special with her- that I haven't felt before for any girl I have wanted.

 

And I know if she truly wanted to start at least something she would put in some effort to make it easier on me but she hasn't and its just been her needs and what she wants. She has been very selfish over this.

 

I know that if we also do stay in contact she will still get her ego boost and attention needs and I can't put myself in that situation.

 

Do I reply back? What do I say if I do? Has anyone else been in this type of situation where the girl is just not emotionally ready for something (due to her life/ job/stress/family- personal issues/ whatever the case may be) and they waited around and stayed in contact for things to develop or what?

 

I really don't know what to do or how to proceed. I know most will say to move on- and I have been trying too but her messaging me this yesterday has given me some hope that something can still happen. AHHH I can't believe I am in this situation.

 

If I do reply - what is the best thing to say in a situation like this?

 

Any advice would be appreciated. At this point, I haven't said anything. For the first time the ball is in my court if anything does continue or if I cut her off. I am legit in two worlds and am torn on what to do- part of me wants her and wants to continue to talk to her the other part doesn't want to put myself in this situation because it becomes all on her and what she wants.

Edited September 22, 2014 by UltimaWeapon

[ThorntonMelon]

You're just not going to get different advice on this. If you ignore it, you'll be back in a few weeks, and the advice will be the same.

 

That being said, we've all been where you are. Everyone has been in a situation where someone has kept them on the hook. 99.99999% of the time it isn't "just not ready".

 

You need to get hit in the face with the reality of this. If not by us, hopefully eventually by life.

[somegoodman]

If you haven't ****ed her, ignore any of her attempts to contact you. If you have, just treat her like an acquaintance you don't have much time for.

 

 

Mixed signals means she's not into it and trying to see long how she can milk attention and resources from you. If you take your attention away, there's a slim possibility she'll drop pants to get you back on her string. If you can smash and trash without catching feels, do it. Otherwise, continue ignoring until you no longer care. In any case it isn't going to be happily ever after with this one.

[UltimaWeapon]

I am having an incredibly difficult time accepting the situation I am in. And the fact that she actually was capable of pulling such a 180 on me in such a small amount of time.

 

I feel like an idiot, moron and naive child who fell for it. I don't know how to shake these feelings off. I have constant changes of moods where I tell myself I don't care, I am pissed, I am indifferent, I am sad, etc. Roller coaster of emotions- IT FEELS LIKE A BREAK UP FCK

 

I don't know why I am so hurt by this considering I have only seen her twce- in contact with her for almost 3 months.. However, the night we were together I felt something for her I haven't for anyone else. That is why I am having such a hard time accepting that this is happening. Yes, I invested a lot of my time when I was on vacation- and I had huge expectations but for some reason this is affecting me way more than it should.

 

I am having a hard time grasping how someone can act one way with you- say all these things and than do a complete flip. It just boggles my mind and I feel like I was played around with for her own attention and satisfication and I don't understand why someone would do that- I don't get what she gets out of that. It makes no sense to me.

 

I pride myself on being a good guy, good looking, loyal, strong, passionate, caring.. I have ambition, I workout 4-5 times a week, I stay in shape, Im 24, Im educated- recently graduated from University. I don't understand why she would resort to that behavior for nothing in the end. We are from the same country, same culture , same language too. We hit it off, everything was great- I just feel stupid for thinking her words were genuine..

 

I felt something for her I haven't before for anyone- an instant connection in person and I can't shake these feelings at all. I fight through this everyday.

 

Maybe its the " What it could be " thoughts that are getting to me because we didn't even get to experience much and I know that if we did things would have been amazing between us.

 

I know what its like to move on from a long term relationship. My ex of 4.5 years left me for someone else and I moved on and grew stronger from that. I also moved on from a 3 month relationship as well last year. I just don't know why she has had this much of an impact on me in such a short amount of time. No girl has ever done this to me before in such a short amount of time.

 

How do you handle something like this?

 

I invested so much into this and I even got her a gift and flowers- and I won't lie this has severely impacted and hit my confidence because I don't get why she wouldn't want to make time for me. She honestly did FCK with my head. I haven't been myself since.

 

I already have trust issues with females..based on my past..and I just know this will make me even more cautious now and I am just fed up with all these setbacks always. I always get disappointed whenever I put myself out there for a girl and I always end up getting hurt.

 

I am honestly fed up and tired of feeling this way

Edited September 29, 2014 by UltimaWeapon

[carhill]

When do you stop fighting for a girl?

 

It took awhile, but by the time I got to my mid-20's I stopped fighting (pursuing) when I got an inkling that the pursuit was imbalanced. Healthy relations IMO occur from mutual voluntary pursuit and the feelings generated from that. So, after that point (mid-20's), if I got a sense that it was mostly me investing, I cut my investment, took the loss, wrote it off on my taxes (taxes paid to relationship university) and moved on.

 

Of course, now and again one runs into a pro, and I've had my share of those. Pro maskers. Actors of academy award caliber. Stuff happens. Life isn't perfect.

 

Sometimes you gotta let go and save yourself. Nobody else is going to. Good luck!