Dating while separated / separated people

[Ninjainpajamas]

As someone who was separated for 3 years and actively dated before "the ink was dry", I am officially offended by your comment.

 

Very narrow minded, judgmental and even naive.

 

Shame.

 

I usually bash on the separated/divorced folks for their "rebounding" tendencies, but let me expand on that a little bit to make it understandable what exactly I criticize about it and even relate it to other circumstances that are not as transparent.

 

When someone is married/separated/divorced it's very easy to pigeon hole and isolate them as more or less likely to be carrying emotional scars and baggage, it makes you a very easy target and you already come with a title to associate you to a particular type of behavior...it makes it easier for people to understand or at least make assumptions about what you MAY have likely been through and where you are emotionally and at the stage of your life considering you're on the way out of the relationship.

 

Now the same situation comes out of "relationships, but it just doesn't carry the same weight and also doesn't present itself in a transparent and obvious way...people are more open to speculate about where you are and what you've been through....but essentially it's much easier to leave a relationship than a divorce, and on paper you have no problems identifying yourself with "single"...which for most people, singe in itself is a positive term, especially since they can relate to it although you might be on the other side of the spectrum in terms of many emotional, psychological and mental readiness....it's must less transparent and harder to identify, if there was a term for someone being out of a relationship recently then those people might end up with the same issue of being generalized.

 

Now both people can equally or unequally carry the same amount of baggage...especially if the relationship was for a number of years...10, 15, 20 years...the longer the time, the bigger the scar, the longer the recovery...so to speak. But because society and people really themselves hold up "marriage" and the like on a more serious level, in many peoples eyes that changes the dynamic completely, and the level of seriousness...regardless of the truths or facts, people are unable to distinguish characteristics within people themselves and individually, they're unable to associate them in other easy to read/see ways, so the "titles" again help them more easily categorize where people might stand and due to the behavior of many separated/divorced people, they're essentially living up to the stereotype.

 

What the stereotype?

 

Well, for men...being starved of sexual pleasure/satisfaction, a repressive and limited marriage of fulfillment; depending on how limited, unhappy and suffocating that relationship was, can really leave them acting like a dog that just got out of the backyard after X amount of years...he goes ballistic, he flies on everything, chases every truck or wants to, pisses on every tree fire hydrant...he's finally able to express and relieve himself in a way that's liberating. In that sense he's unpredictable and usually not invested emotionally, if anything he's more likely to find himself falling in lust with a woman very early on.

 

When a man goes without a BJ, sex that's about exciting as paying the rent, to never being cooked for, tended to, cared for...treated with kindness, concerns, affection that doesn't come with a price tag or obligation of having to do something else to do his part as a "husband"...he can easily be over the moon, and fall more in love with the experience than the woman herself.

 

Not only that, what happens often...is once he gets that out of his system and kind of drains his energy doing the whole bachelor free-spirit thing, then if he has a family he may start to miss that environment...after all he's been used to it for a number or years, it's now apart of his life-style...and for most part it's hard to make major lifestyle changes, it's a difficult transition...it's like moving to a new city or living in another country, he's got to learn to assimilate back into a life he might have not lived for some time.

 

This can lead him either jumping into a relationship with another woman too fast, or going back to his wife...especially if they have kids, this whole emotionally, psychological experience can really mess peoples minds around, and make them more unpredictable and erratic than they may even be familiar within themselves.

 

*warning* this is just a general overview, not an exact assessment of you yourself where you must relate to every single thing, I don't know anyone's personal background in order to more or less "personalize" that assessment

 

.......

 

For women on the other hand, it can be the same scenario but it's more a combination of factors. They might have felt sexual unsatisfied/undesired, unwanted, unappreciated. Now after their divorce, they come out into the dating world...start readjusting to all the attention and men, because they probably lose weight and throw up an OLD profile (just for fun of course), start going on dates, start relishing the new found attention and feeling more desirable, sexy and liberated within themselves. They rediscover themselves in world outside as their relationship/marriage as those things are very consuming and overwhelming for a woman, when she is in an environment she is very sensitive and reactive towards it.

 

So she meets a guy, who seems nice, seems to "appreciate her", finds her sexy and desirable, treats her better than the ex-husband...you can essentially see the whole same affect that happens with men, but in a different way and maybe even more of an overwhelming and encompassing way...and while you're going through it in the now, that might feel like the right choice and the right guy, the guy you should've been with and all of that.

 

But emotionally, again, both people can be very unpredictable. Women might have harbored and not worked through a lot of personal issues and problems from the past, that have scarred them and really caused a lot of damage. Therefore those things start to slowly rise like flower in an oven (I think that's a slow process :S) and start to become more aware and perceptive as time goes on.

 

The issues that women tend to have is they usually choose to avoid, sweep under the rug, oversimplify, find some spiritual/religious escape to disengage from the things they have hurt them in the past...therefore continuing to harbor those emotions, angers, fears, anxieties and the like. Those can eat away at her during the "new relationship" process, causing bumps and maybe even very rocky roads to be traveled by a guy who essentially had nothing to do with why you have your problems...and suddenly the relationship starts to become about "YOUR" problems...but you tell yourself he has problems too and you're BOTH conveniently working through at the same time...as women don't tend to want to work through or go through things alone, they like to believe they can overcome a situation with emotional support as that's what they often need...but it doesn't work well in romantic relationship IME, because women become too emotionally engrossed and pulled in two directions...trying to fix themselves and feeling guilty or even less than for having them...so it's this pendulum of swinging emotions.

 

.........

 

Let me just put it this way, being divorced/separated or even married doesn't necessarily say that you have more issues than anyone else...but when you have that label it's definitely a very transparent warning sign that people should be wary of. It takes time to heal and recover from relationships, even when you were emotionally detached for quite some time...it's like coming out of a jail from somewhere in a foreign land, there's going to be psychological damage there, even if your environment completely changes and you were done and when through changes while having that experience and shifted internally with that experience years ago...you need to give yourself time to re-calibrate and readjust to a new independent, emotionally, psychologically, mental stable, reflective, self-aware and truly self-liberating experience after having time process and break through those issues and past experience and re-establish yourself firmly in your new identity and you cannot speed up the hand of time to make that go faster, you cannot tell yourself you are here when you are really there, because you're not...you just don't or can't see it within yourself.

 

Does that mean that's what people do? of course not, people continue to carry baggage from relationship to relationship...but this is about you and your relationship with yourself, if you really want to be happy with who you are and really understand what you need then you need to search within yourself or you're likely to go through a vicious cycle or even self-destructive tendencies that you are even aware of that never really bring you that ultimate fulfillment...because you basically swept everything under a big rug, and that will tend to catch up with you or even stay with forever.

 

So the choice is yours, you're just must less likely to make the healthier choices when you are compromised...and the problem with being compromised is most people don't want to see it or admit it to themselves...they'd rather itch that scratch immediately instead of going through the healing process.

[CarrieT]

I mean, if you're not trying to jump back into a serious committed relationship, what's the rush in finalizing?

 

That's the point of this thread; the OP is lamenting that he is being treated like a leper because those who WANT a serious relationship bear the onus of determining if those they are dating are dealing with someone who can't "commit to a serious relationship" because they have unfinished business.

[BlueIris]

I think as long as I am "disclosing" my status I feel comfortable doing whatever frankly.

 

I think that's fair so long as you're honest- candid, forthright.

 

Don't do the ever-popular trick of listing yourself as divorced and then planning to have a talk later, after you've decided you want to date her. I went on so many dates from OLD with guys who did this, who tricked me, I guess because they were desperate because so many women didn't want to date separated or married men. Don't be desperate. There are enough women who are also separated or who don't care, there's no good reason to trick people.

[VanillaLife]

I think that's fair so long as you're honest- candid, forthright.

 

Don't do the ever-popular trick of listing yourself as divorced and then planning to have a talk later, after you've decided you want to date her. I went on so many dates from OLD with guys who did this, who tricked me, I guess because they were desperate because so many women didn't want to date separated or married men. Don't be desperate. There are enough women who are also separated or who don't care, there's no good reason to trick people.

 

Yeah this I can't / won't do. Fortunately I am a very bad liar. So all my OLD profiles are 100% non bs. My height is my height, my income my income, my status is my status. Actually the only exception is OKC where status has to be either single or in a relationship so I say single but my status is all over my profile.

 

This thread has been very helpful and given great insight into the reasons behind all this. Frankly I still disagree with most of the reasons but that does not make them invalid and it's good to have that understanding. I definitely do not feel desperate... it's a bit frustrating in an annoying sense to be pigeon holed by large swathes of the populous but hell there are over 2000 women in my target age range that are status separated on Match alone so I am pretty confident there will be "plenty of fish in the sea" as the saying goes.

[Minnie09]

But it *would* beg the question - why did it take THREE YEARS to "dry the ink?"

 

Three Years would raise huge red flags for me that there was something unresolved in the relationship...

 

Be offended all you like, but it is a legitimate question.

 

My D toook forever. I was seperated for a long time, before we finalized everything. There wasn't really anything to fight about, not even custody, but he was dragging his feet, because I think he hoped we'd get a 2nd chance, so he didn't want to make it final final - just in case...... (while, at the same time, he was half-dating here and there.....)

 

Me: I did not push it, even though I was definitely done for good. However, I was so exhausted (or traumatized, I don't know) from the M, and so relieved it was over, I just didn't want to rock the boat, didn't want to change anything, just wanted to stay put, live my life, work on my career, raise my kid.....I didn't want to DEAL with HIM anymore AT ALL, unless it was absolutely necessary (phone call about when and where to drop off son etc.). Every time I saw my lawyer I thought of my ex, and I had to deal with "him", indirectly. And it felt so uncomfortable. I was procrastinating, too, just like my ex was, but for different reasons. Kind of like "head in sand".......I just didn't want to deal with anything that had to do with my ex. And my ex wanted to wait it out, waiting for me to change my mind.

 

I wasn't ready for an R, BUT I am not ready now, either (as a legally divorced woman). Not interested in committing.....ever again. However, if marriage is in my life plan, and I like to be in a committed relationship, I don't see how "not being divorced yet" and "only being separated" would interfere with that.

 

You can still have a bond with an ex-spouse whom you are legally divorced from. Have dinner with him/her and the kids, get along, jump into bed with each other......happens all the time. Ink dry or not.

[BlueIris]

That's good. It'll make life easier. You have lots of choices where you are!

 

And we're all pigeon holed in some ways. Be prepared to be stereotyped left and right, on more than just your marital status!

[Mascara]

By way of example, I met 2 men who were definitely not over their ex. One was divorced for 2 years, one was only separated (but like I say, no-fault divorce in the UK takes 2.5 years). Both banged on ENDLESSLY about their ex, but the divorced one far more so. We couldn't do anything without him referring to his ex-wife. So it's not always a measure.

[pink_sugar]

If I was single, I'd prefer to steer clear of dating people until they are legally divorced. Sometimes there is just too much drama while they are in the middle of a divorce.

[pink_sugar]

By way of example, I met 2 men who were definitely not over their ex. One was divorced for 2 years, one was only separated (but like I say, no-fault divorce in the UK takes 2.5 years). Both banged on ENDLESSLY about their ex, but the divorced one far more so. We couldn't do anything without him referring to his ex-wife. So it's not always a measure.

 

Man, that sounds like my dad and he's been divorced for about 20 years now!

[PinkInTheLimo]

Hey folks wanted to see what people's thoughts are on dating people - like me - that are separated? I feel like we are treated like the lepers of the dating society and not to be touched. I had actually detailed a lot of what happened in my own situation in the separation & divorce forum and frankly in my situation I feel very ready to be dating again after a long time in an emotionless and sexless marriage. But I see some people will simply not even LOOK at someone who is separated. I know that personally I am more mentally stable and in control of my situation than many single or divorced people so it's kind of frustrating.

 

Curious for people's thoughts?

 

If you don't want to be a leper, then get divorced! These days this can be done in half a year to a year.

 

I am not very keen on separated people because I feel that they are trying to have their cake and eat it. They still have the security of a fall-back plan whereas a 100% single person does not have that back-up so there is no level playing field. The single person is a lot more vulnerable.

 

I also think that separated people are not 100% available in their heart and their mind which I find risky. The chances that you are their rebound is bigger than with someone who has had the courage to really be on their own.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I want to add this. Personally I would like to marry if my relationship has lasted for a couple of years and has been going well. And that is definitely a bit more complicated if your partner is still legally married.

[PinkInTheLimo]

To those asking I cannot get divorced in my state (NC) until we have been legally separated for a year.

 

A year is not that long. Why can't you wait?

 

As others did, I suggest you look for people who are in the same situation as you and have some fun. Be respectful enough not to drag someone who is looking for something serious into your life.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I have managed to go now 5 years without sleeping with my wife, including several "once in a lifetime" vacations to stunning and exotic destinations. While I am sorry for your situation, there is a very small chance of that happening in my case.

 

You can say this but why would the 100% singles believe you. It's easy to say this.

 

I know I won't take the risk after having been with a guy who told me he was separated and turned out to be still very married.

 

In any case, I don't like the thought of sleeping with a married man.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Don't know how old you are, but there are lots of self-respecting women who aren't in a rush to settle down with just anyone, of any age.

 

I will be 50 in a couple of months and have been single for a couple of years. I am attractive, slim and financially independent. I am happy on my own.

 

Therefore I am certainly not in a rush to settle down, not even on the verge of the dreaded 50 . I also happen to have high standards.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I think that's fair so long as you're honest- candid, forthright.

 

Don't do the ever-popular trick of listing yourself as divorced and then planning to have a talk later, after you've decided you want to date her. I went on so many dates from OLD with guys who did this, who tricked me, I guess because they were desperate because so many women didn't want to date separated or married men. Don't be desperate. There are enough women who are also separated or who don't care, there's no good reason to trick people.

 

One of the reasons separated people do this trick is that the really good catches in general are the ones who are 100% available and want someone who is not separated...

 

The married man who lured me into a relationship with him pretending he was separated knew very well that I would not have given him a second of my time had I known his real situation...

 

They are bad quality themselves but they still want high quality... It's disgusting.

[RedRobin]

If that was the case then a lot of men would never get their foot in the door so to speak...how many men do women date that are supposedly interested and available, meaning they don't have any obvious "flaws" that keep them "potentially" out of a relationship...and yet, those two people don't end together.

 

Women don't realize that there is a lot less potential for these "relationships" than they realize...to be fair, just because a guy is "single" and has been single for some time, doesn't mean he's anymore interested in a relationship, or even much less interested...there's so many easy ways to build credibility with women that shouldn't even matter because they don't matter to men.

 

 

 

Take a look at OLD any time, any day of the week on any dating website...what do you see women looking for? relationships. It's not rocket science.

 

Women don't necessarily get into these other type of relationships on purpose, sure they might be open to them but if you ask most women I don't think they ever foresaw the potential or ever gave up hope that things might somehow go the distance or turn into what they want...a lot of women I'm sure would claim that outside of the circumstances, they were not the FWB type or casual relationship type either..it just happened.

 

I'm a man that's well aware that not every single woman out there is looking for something serious, but women still seem to desire or at least strongly prefer the "potential" or possibility of that, which is why they don't necessarily want to date a man who's married/separated...even if that situation was no different then the last half-a-dozen guys they dated who were "single"...the same thing would have happened in the end.

 

 

 

 

The majority of men aren't interested in "those" type of women. They want "REAL" and regular women, without the agenda to sleep with the entire city (in their perception).

 

Women are beating their heads against a wall if they think they can make men go after the kind of women they want them to, and leave all the "golden nuggets" for you...every woman would choose that option.

 

well, thank goodness most guys aren't very good liars.

[Michelle ma Belle]

But it *would* beg the question - why did it take THREE YEARS to "dry the ink?"

 

Three Years would raise huge red flags for me that there was something unresolved in the relationship...

 

Be offended all you like, but it is a legitimate question.

 

That's fine if you have some reservations but then ASK me about it rather than just ASSUME you know my story. There is nothing worse than being painted into a corner because of YOUR bad experiences. That's not MY issue after all.

 

Not everyone who separates does so with hate in their hearts or wants to bed every penis for sh*ts and giggles until it's time to go back for heaven's sake. It's not nearly as salacious as some people would like to believe.

 

Sometimes the reasons are much more pragmatic.

[ktya]

Now that is one thing I will never drag myself to get involved with. I only have one child on my own, helped raise someone else's kid (ex's daughter) who is now an adult.....

 

I refuse to date anyone with multiple (more than 1) kids, as it won't be fair on me. I also expect them to have shared 50-50 custody. None of that sole custody nonsense again in my life.

 

I have heard a myriad of horror stories of blended families where the adults put their own agenda before that of the kids involved. With blended family comes a need for bigger home, car, vacation etc

 

 

Amen. I've been the other half of two "blended families" which meant I as. Man without kids ended up in a serious relationship with a single mom. The first continued sleeping with ex husband and got back together with him. The second, when our relationship deteriorated robbed me of any ability to see a kid that called me dad that I raised for four years and taught how to read and bank because she met a new guy and knew I had no rights. I wasn't looking for shared custody either, just a few hours every couple of weeks. Heart wrenching, still have the kids picture up in my living room.

 

Now when it comes to a single mom with kids, I don't really want to be involved with the kids unless it's been a year plus of serious dating. One girl I offered to help her take her kids to the fair because they're young and would be a handful, but only as a friend. Mind you, if she saw how great I am with kids she'd probably fall head over heels for me so I might be shooting my chances. But seeing as that's how it went down last time I'd rather play it safe.

 

I find that single mom's with young kids, there's usually a reason why they are single mom's. Children are a huge responsibility, and both picking the right partner as well as being one is crucial if you are planning to start a family for the children's stable upbringing. My recent ex couldn't pick up after herself for the life of her and used the fact that she was a single mom as a crutch in virtually every aspect of her life. The other one was a prolific cheater. The girl I'm seeing right now with kids has her act together better than both of them combined, but she does have serious emotional baggage from an abusive ex husband - not saying she should have stuck around but she was with him on and off for 15 years and the.oldest kid is 7; something must have shown in 8 years.

[beach]

I am a catch and I don't settle. That includes "separated" men.

 

Heck, if he likes me that much he can contact AFTER the D is final.

 

Separated men should sift through the marriage ending. Find their part in why the M is ending and seek clarity to be the best they can be. I don't like hanging around while they go THROUGH all that crap that a divorce brings to the table. I doubt a healthy woman would purposely choose that for her own.

 

So, if you you need to get laid - then go ahead. But that's a far cry than getting serious with a gal before your divorce is finished. I've seen so many people get hurt because the separated one went back to the M when they cried that it was a horrible relationship. Hurting others should be kept to a minimum - so getting divorced seems a best way to go about dating.

 

Proper order is key.

[Tayken]

Separated people are fine for affairs and ONS. Not for anything serious.

 

But am sure you've seen separated people say they are not looking for FWB...ironic isn't it?

[irc333]

I have this friend of mine that's seeing a man that's single, and she's only "split" from her husband.

 

Anyhow, it's funny how I see people that claim "They don't need a piece of paper to say that they are married" but when it comes to it being the other way around...you have NO idea how important that really is!

 

"Hey, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I'm divorced! So I'll date while I'm separated instead!"

 

When you shed the light on that subject, it kind of drives a point

 

(PS - wasn't sure whether or not to post this in the dating or this section as both worlds collide here).