5 years single & counting.. So jaded by dating

[ascendotum]

Aren't we all...but that could be taken in many way...does that mean you pick based on looks, or do you actually read their profiles to pick more important stuff out of it? I ask because most women online respond based on just a guy's look...you can say it ain't so, but we've all seen the profile that say..."I want a tall, attractive man".

 

Nowhere does it mention he has to be employed, honest, caring etc. It's always just about the look. Most women just want to date a guy for looks, and post his pics on their social media to show off to their friends

...

 

I think she might also read their profiles, so she can suss out that they are are not just good looking but also alpha guys like jet fighter pilots and good earning corporate guys, that she says a re the ones that turn her on.

Some of my female friends go for the same guys. Yes, they can land dates with them, and even a couple of month fling, but that's about it. Then the guys are on to the next one and so are the women. These are reasonably attractive women, with cool personalities and with their shyte together, but I think maybe they are are reaching a little too much. The successful alpha guys they want I'd say are very popular and will, like a lot of women on OLD have lots of options vying for their attention. They are happy to ride the fling merry go round for a while and maybe get off when they find women like the 7-10 yr younger version of my friends. Who knows.

 

If she wants to mine the successful handsome alpha male segment of OLD as she says then I'd say the 'fade' comes with the territory. She'd be better off going after them in real life, and since those guys are good catch for lots of women, probably be best to be proactive in getting their attention to increase her encounters.

[hotpotato]

Yeah I noticed I'm attracted to alpha males and generally guys who could easily attract other women. Ie. good-looking, fit, career-oriented... Maybe things would be different if I was talking to a less attractive guy? I can't really change who I'm attracted to, so this is tough. But now that you bring it up, I think the problem may be that there is a gap between the attractiveness level of a guy I typically date and my own attractiveness level. Like maybe these guys realize after a while that I'm not quite up to par. *shrugs* my roommate said that I always gravitate towards men who have too many women going after them - military pilots, successful corporate guys, etc,

Ive experienced less attractive guys disappearing. Its really all the same at the end of the day lol

 

Being with a guy who is less attractive doesnt mean you will be treated well, you wont be rejected, etc.

 

That being said, you are trying to date from a very small pool of men.

[Weezy1973]

Generally the more shallow or superficial one's attraction is based on, the harder it will to form a meaningful, long term relationship.

 

The OP seems to be attracted mostly to the superficial, and is having a hard time finding a long term, meaning relationship.

 

Not surprising. That being said, it's nearly impossible to change what you're attracted to. So I suspect the OP will continue to have a struggle...

[hotpotato]

She is sleeping with these guys too soon. There is a difference in holding out long enough to not be thought of as a slut.... and holding out long enough to be thought of as serious relationship material...or to realize the guy isn't serious relationship material.

 

Steve Harvey(don't laugh) recommends waiting 90 days.

 

Eharmony.com mentions that it is time for the sex talk after 10 dates (if you go out every Saturday night that would be in the neighborhood of 2 months)

 

A therapist I saw on tv advised a woman who had been through the ringer to wait at least 30 days before sex with her next love interest.

 

 

Tell these guys you want to find out more about them and have fun getting to know them... if that doesn't work, let them walk!

 

Truth.

 

I recommend waiting. If you have sex very soon, your relationship goes off in a different direction. I can have sex with a man and be fine abstaining after that. For men, it's harder to turn off that desire. if the relationship starts off sexual, that's how it will remain, and it will be difficult to get to know that person. There are exceptions, but those are few and far between.

 

Also, there are many men who believe a woman is a slut if she puts out quickly even if he begged for it.

[lovingone]

She can have sex when she wants as long as she is cool with him disappearing.

 

Thats still how guys think! Guys arent going to tell you that because they want the sex.

Ive btdt, and I can tell you for sure that sex too fast can hurt the development of a relationship.

 

Thank you for saying this. Maybe we can save someone some heartache, lol.

[aprilisi]

I agree, quit online dating.

 

I tried it over 5 years, met my current bf at a library. Old brought me nothing but misery. Well, I guess I did get one true friend out of it at least

[cristalina]

I think what some others have said is very true, but I don't necessarily think it's a secret "slut" complex. Some guys may think that she's a slut, but others not.

 

I think it's more about that nature of men and women. Because of testosterone, men are driven to seek out, hunt, conquer, or in other words "chase." The estrogen in women ignites this flame in men.

 

One of the ways a man naturally falls in love is through the chase. If there is no chase, then it is very difficult for him to love and commit for a lifetime. We women can so easily fall in love through the time spent and love making, but men are very different.

 

Now I'm not saying we should play "chase" games or anything, but I am saying that this is one of the key reasons why waiting is important for a man. He gets to know you though the time spent waiting, and feels more fulfilled with sex if he waits a while....just like we ladies do. If this process is skipped, then there are bound to be issues.

[Weezy1973]

I think it's more about that nature of men and women. Because of testosterone, men are driven to seek out, hunt, conquer, or in other words "chase." The estrogen in women ignites this flame in men.

 

Any evidence to back this up? If men are driven to hunt, it's literally just what it is. To hunt. For food. As our ancestors lived in a hunter gather environment. This does not translate to "hunting" women to be in relationships with.

 

One of the ways a man naturally falls in love is through the chase. If there is no chase, then it is very difficult for him to love and commit for a lifetime.

 

Not at all true. When a man finds a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he will indeed do whatever it takes to be with her (or "chase"), but the chase itself is not the reason he falls in love. It's because he's found what he deems to be an amazing woman. The woman makes him fall in love.

 

The types of men the OP is attracted to can easily get and have sex with many women without much trouble. It's only when they find someone that they want to be with for the rest of their lives that they will chase - if necessary. And usually if they're chasing a women, it means that woman is extremely desirable and has her choice of multiple high quality suitors.

 

Now I'm not saying we should play "chase" games or anything, but I am saying that this is one of the key reasons why waiting is important for a man. He gets to know you though the time spent waiting, and feels more fulfilled with sex if he waits a while....just like we ladies do. If this process is skipped, then there are bound to be issues.

 

It actually doesn't matter one way or the other (at least from the man's point of view). If he is lukewarm about a woman, if she holds out on sex, he will just move onto the next one. If they have sex, he will be fine with that as well. Waiting won't mean a thing.

 

Now, whether or not it matters to the OP is a whole other matter. Some people can separate love and sex and some can't.

[irc333]

Thank you for saying this. Maybe we can save someone some heartache, lol.

 

Define sex as being "too fast", I mean, how soon is too soon? I think I dated a woman 3 weeks before doing it, but we were seeing each other quite often throughout those 3 weeks (weekends, week days, etc)

 

Like if you been dating for 2 months and you've only seen each other once a month, then I would think sex would be too soon.

 

But if you've dated for 2 months, but seen each other 10 times prior to having sex during those 2 months, then sex would NOT be too soon.

[lovingone]

Define sex as being "too fast", I mean, how soon is too soon? I think I dated a woman 3 weeks before doing it, but we were seeing each other quite often throughout those 3 weeks (weekends, week days, etc)

 

Like if you been dating for 2 months and you've only seen each other once a month, then I would think sex would be too soon.

 

But if you've dated for 2 months, but seen each other 10 times prior to having sex during those 2 months, then sex would NOT be too soon.

 

Can you find my first post on this subject? I explained a few guidelines I had heard about. Based on them, I would say first month is off limits period. And spend lots of time with them if you just can't go without sex for a month geez!

 

But that was mainly aimed at women( the predominant relationship seekers) who are perplexed as to why they can't get to the ultimate level with a guy.

[lovingone]

Any evidence to back this up? If men are driven to hunt, it's literally just what it is. To hunt. For food. As our ancestors lived in a hunter gather environment. This does not translate to "hunting" women to be in relationships with.

 

 

 

Not at all true. When a man finds a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he will indeed do whatever it takes to be with her (or "chase"), but the chase itself is not the reason he falls in love. It's because he's found what he deems to be an amazing woman. The woman makes him fall in love.

 

The types of men the OP is attracted to can easily get and have sex with many women without much trouble. It's only when they find someone that they want to be with for the rest of their lives that they will chase - if necessary. And usually if they're chasing a women, it means that woman is extremely desirable and has her choice of multiple high quality suitors.

 

 

 

It actually doesn't matter one way or the other (at least from the man's point of view). If he is lukewarm about a woman, if she holds out on sex, he will just move onto the next one. If they have sex, he will be fine with that as well. Waiting won't mean a thing.

 

Now, whether or not it matters to the OP is a whole other matter. Some people can separate love and sex and some can't.

 

Don't say waiting won't mean a thing, because you just said that a guy who is lukewarm on a woman will walk away if he doesn't get sex.

 

See, it's not just about what men think of women who have sex early...

 

Waiting is about the woman being able to discern what kind of man this guy is before she sleeps with him and BEFORE her feelings get too deep for him (which for women comes with the sex, guys not so much).

 

So if the guy walks because you wanted to get to know him better(what an insult huh ) I think the lady has her answer and saves herself some trouble.

[hotpotato]

Thank you for saying this. Maybe we can save someone some heartache, lol.

 

More likely, it will fall on deaf ears. People tried to tell me this, but I had to learn the hard way. :/

[hotpotato]

Some of what I said I say because I am a female sports fan. So I visit sports forums that are populated by mostly males, and I don't tell them I am a female. They end up making posts not just about sports, but all aspects of life..... So what I say is what I know from what guys say in what they think is an all male environment.

 

That's great that you have a boyfriend. But if you want to be married, and in a good marriage you should keep your head up and your eyes open.

 

Men are constantly categorizing women (for better or for worse)and that early sex so often "black balls" a woman. He may be your boyfriend for 5 years, but he knows all that time that when he is ready for more he will look elsewhere.

 

If a woman really wants casual sex, she should go for it. But all too often, women are wondering why someone they sleep with early isn't serious about them.

 

It's not about what century we are living in. It's not about modern women's rights. It's about the ability to separate sex from feelings. Men usually have it, women usually don't.

 

I also spend a lot of time on male dominated boards. Im one of the boys.

 

Women need to realize that men will categorize them, whether or not they like it. This is true even for more enlightened men. Men want to feel special. They want to feel like they earned you and that you dont give it up to anyone. Yes, this is the same man who will lie, beg, borrow, steal to convince you to have sex asap.

 

Maybe a girls male friends wont say this to her face, but they certainly say these things to their boys.

[marcjb]

I agree, as a man some of us do lose interest and it has nothing to do with sex. I've dated a woman that did the hold out on sex. It was used as a bargaining chip. Who wants a relationship where there's negotiations that early in? I've also dated a woman that claimed I used them for sex when the truth is the sex had nothing to do with it. If it had I might still be there lol. Her crazy lifestyle and lack of judgment was the cause of it. I ended up making a point of stalling on sex with anyone I was dating until I was as sure as I could be that it wouldn't be used as a weapon before the act or after it.

 

It doesn't really have to do with using sex as a bargaining chip. It has to do with someone making sure they want to be with the other person longterm before having sex. If someone does not, all it tells me is that they give it up relatively easily without getting to know someone. This makes it seem a lot less special. I do not want to just be an addition onto someone elses number, nor do I wish to be with someone who grows their number so carelessly.

[endlessabyss]

Why doesn't everyone stop crying about it, and accept this is the way "dating" is now?

 

Once the new best thing comes along, see ya!!!!

 

Everybody wanted sexual freedom, and now we complain we can't find a traditional relationship.

 

Get used to the loneliness, and hope you get lucky in your later years that someone is willing to settle down after their dating stock crashes

[BlueIris]

It doesn't really have to do with using sex as a bargaining chip. It has to do with someone making sure they want to be with the other person longterm before having sex. If someone does not, all it tells me is that they give it up relatively easily without getting to know someone. This makes it seem a lot less special. I do not want to just be an addition onto someone elses number, nor do I wish to be with someone who grows their number so carelessly.

 

I SO agree with this! When someone says or implies that I'm playing a game or manipulating because I haven't had sex yet, that alone indicates that we're not a match in our view of relationship and sex. I also kind of resent the implication that I don't like sex because I wait a good while and only until I know him well enough to know if we have longterm potential. I have nothing at all against people who have fun sex or early sex, but it just isn't me.

[BlueIris]

Why doesn't everyone stop crying about it, and accept this is the way "dating" is now?

 

Once the new best thing comes along, see ya!!!!

 

Everybody wanted sexual freedom, and now we complain we can't find a traditional relationship.

 

Get used to the loneliness, and hope you get lucky in your later years that someone is willing to settle down after their dating stock crashes

 

No complaints! ...and never fall for "the everybody does it" or "there's no choice" lines.

 

Quick sex and hooking up isn't THE WAY dating is for now or for everyone. And people who wait aren't necessarily lonely or more lonely than people who hook up. I'm not and my kids and friends aren't. Frankly, I hear more people complain that they had sex and found out he or she wasn't who they thought they were (or wanted them to be), he or she split, or they didn't understand what was going on, or some negative thing. It doesn't look like the most pleasant way to go to me.

[bippy123]

Why doesn't everyone stop crying about it, and accept this is the way "dating" is now?

 

Once the new best thing comes along, see ya!!!!

 

Everybody wanted sexual freedom, and now we complain we can't find a traditional relationship.

 

Get used to the loneliness, and hope you get lucky in your later years that someone is willing to settle down after their dating stock crashes

I never wanted sexual freedom, why do u think I stayed a virgin for 47 years. Ive always wanted a traditional relationship, as I think those are the only real ones worth talking about.

[bippy123]

Some of what I said I say because I am a female sports fan. So I visit sports forums that are populated by mostly males, and I don't tell them I am a female. They end up making posts not just about sports, but all aspects of life..... So what I say is what I know from what guys say in what they think is an all male environment.

 

That's great that you have a boyfriend. But if you want to be married, and in a good marriage you should keep your head up and your eyes open.

 

Men are constantly categorizing women (for better or for worse)and that early sex so often "black balls" a woman. He may be your boyfriend for 5 years, but he knows all that time that when he is ready for more he will look elsewhere.

 

If a woman really wants casual sex, she should go for it. But all too often, women are wondering why someone they sleep with early isn't serious about them.

 

It's not about what century we are living in. It's not about modern women's rights. It's about the ability to separate sex from feelings. Men usually have it, women usually don't.

Post of the year that hits a bullseye on every point

[Cupid's Puppet]

I'm at the point where I would rather stay celibate till marriage. Sex has become so spiritual to me, and I regret giving a part of me to different men who never wanted to commit to me. After they've had their fun, they settle down and find another woman to be their wife while my eggs are drying up.

[ascendotum]

I'm at the point where I would rather stay celibate till marriage. Sex has become so spiritual to me' date=' and I regret giving a part of me to different men who never wanted to commit to me. After they've had their fun, they settle down and find another woman to be their wife while my eggs are drying up.[/quote']

 

It can very much be a two way street.

"After they've had their fun (and you also had your fun), they settle down and find another woman to be their wife (you settle down and find a good provider nice guy to be your husband)."

Sex is not getting used if you go in with your eyes open. If you place a much higher value on it, which it seems you do, then it will seem like you are getting short changed, if it just ends up a pump n dump or a fling, but not necessarily if its a STR or LTR. Just because it does not end up in marriage does mean it was not very fulfilling relationship. You are not giving anything away, you are are sharing yourself with someone you love and enjoying the same back in return.