Chronic avoider spouse, no sex, joint divorce?

[jakrbbt]

Ugh, and he stuck all the toys I recently bought for my son in a closet because he didn't like the way the tiny basket of toys looks in the huge living room, though I had them shoved under the baby's tiny kid table that my husband also moved into a corner of the room where son can't even pull the chairs back enough to squeeze into them. He's thrown away or put away almost every toy or kid furniture I've ever gotten for our son.

 

Co-parenting with the selfish parent who can't bring himself/herself to do anything for the child that at all inconveniences them: Can it be navigated? Is it any better than being married to them? Is this a reason to have it out in court, or another thing to just put up with?

[beach]

You can take the toys to your new place.

 

Pick your battles. Try not to sweat the small stuff.

 

Know he's not going to parent like you do.

[jakrbbt]

I just CAN'T tell him!! I am too cowardly. First, what the heck is he going to do all day the day after I tell him? I guess I should tell him on a weekend, we'll have a crap weekend but I can be there for our son.

 

Second, I do feel like I am taking his livelihood from him.

 

But it is not his, a person doesn't just have complete access to their spouse's income even without any agreement about whether they were going to work.

 

Also what we have now does not work AT ALL. He just kicked me out of his room when I went in there to chat, saying he wants to listen to his ipod-- after spending all his time with sister this evening. He twice in a row booked jobs for himself when I had to work, and didn't tell me until the last minute so I had to blow off work and could not find child care. Then he doesn't use his money to contribute even a little.

 

I cannot keep blowing off my work in order to let him go to his job just so he can keep some pride and have hobby money-- I'll lose my career and that will be good for no one.

 

Any former stay-at-homes out there who did ok after divorce?

 

I guess i'm just whining here because you all keep yanking me back into perspective. I have MADE MY DECISION. There is no going back, that doesn't mean it's easy.

 

One more thing: New place has only sawdust in backyard-- ugly, and no good for toddler. Anyone have any ideas how to make the new yard toddler-friendly? I'm trying to set up new life, simplest place to start is new house.

[BetrayedH]

Telling him on a Friday night sounds smart to me. Do you have a move-in date?

 

As for the yard, if it's a rental, see if the owners will put down sod provided that you pay for irrigation. Worked at my latest move but I got the agreement before signing the lease.

[Yasuandio]

Maybe it is better to have things legally in place before you say anything, much less give him a head's up you are planning to move the baby to different premises.

 

I still bear in mind that we determined he is at the least an odd person, and at worst, a perv. We know for sure he ain't nice, and I would like to know more about that drive. That is weird to me. Then, of recent, come home from sister's and disappear you by putting I pods on? How inconsiderate can you get? It is like he is in his own Private Ideho.

 

Man, is he ever gonna get a wake up call. No wonder you're concerned about telling him, I understand completely. I've got an idea. Suppose you don't tell him? Just let it unfold and happen. How can you stay with him the night you give him the announcment? That is like torture (on both sides, in a way). I would be concerned about turning my back, or shutting my eyes to sleep that night. You basically told him anyway. What are the results of the warning? Dafuq?

 

Well, good luck with that hon. Yas

 

P.S. Decor Tip:

Hope you found some pretty rugs! Check out Overstock dot com. I got a beautiful set of Greek flotaki's - free delivery - no tax. So much easier than shopping for rugs in the store. They have the rug pads, etc. All styles, shapes, anything you can imagine. Check the clearance too. I'm doing a modern 60's feel look (like the backdrop furnishings on Madmen). The baby might love the flotaki's. They come in wild colors too, all natural sheep hair. There are some cool synthetic ones too. They mix and match with all. Have fun!

[beach]

For a guy who is supposed to be "trying" harder to make the M better he sure is failing.

 

I think if it were me - I'd start moving stuff there slowly - but taking time to make it nice and cozy. I'd hurry up and get my D papers filed and I'd tell him on the day he is served. Then I'd move all the last minute things that day and be settled in at the new place.

 

I think I'd buy an extra lock for the door though - just to be sure he doesn't have a way of getting in.

 

The yard? Well I think you'll be able to figure out something creative once you're there.

 

The baby may play in the house most of the time during the winter. You could alway head to a park if you want to really let him go wild.

[Turtles]

Maybe I am missing something, I apologize I did not read all of the other background threads.

 

It strikes me as odd that you complain your husband avoids every discussion but you cannot bring yourself to have that one with him. Are you sure you know who the avoider and the avoidee is? It does sound like the guy is a gigantic douchebag but overall not violent (again I apologize I did not read all the background). So if I was worried about his coping I would tell him during the weekly counseling session this way the therapist can help him come up with a strategy. You're doing all this stuff, signing a lease, worrying about setting up your new yard etc, all in a vacuum, almost living a double life, but you have no idea how things will really go once rubber hits the road. I understand wanting to have an exit route in place but you're taking it a bit far IMO.

 

Just my 2c. Good luck through the tough times! Your thread gave me hope that there was something to save in my home - I thought I had a bad situation but yours seems 10 times worse!

[jakrbbt]

Maybe I am missing something, I apologize I did not read all of the other background threads.

 

It strikes me as odd that you complain your husband avoids every discussion but you cannot bring yourself to have that one with him. Are you sure you know who the avoider and the avoidee is? It does sound like the guy is a gigantic douchebag but overall not violent (again I apologize I did not read all the background). So if I was worried about his coping I would tell him during the weekly counseling session this way the therapist can help him come up with a strategy. You're doing all this stuff, signing a lease, worrying about setting up your new yard etc, all in a vacuum, almost living a double life, but you have no idea how things will really go once rubber hits the road. I understand wanting to have an exit route in place but you're taking it a bit far IMO.

 

Just my 2c. Good luck through the tough times! Your thread gave me hope that there was something to save in my home - I thought I had a bad situation but yours seems 10 times worse!

 

I appreciate that, but you might read my other threads and the whole of this one first.

 

I tried to tell him several times. I told him a number of times I wanted divorce. I told him last week that I was planning to move. And though I dread letting him know that I've gotten a place for sure, make no mistake that I am not actually avoiding letting him know. There is a difference. What I am doing though, is trying to gain the courage because it is hard.

 

I see that you are largely where I was a short time ago. That does not mean that you're going where I am going-- your story may well turn out differently. There are important differences already. And for me, this has to happen. One of the difficulties was that I had essentially no place to start, and needed an exit plan for sure. He keeps stopping me, and I think he'll stop me still and I'll lose my deposit and all my future plans for a healthy split.

 

You are very right Turtles that I don't actually know what will happen once the rubber hits the road. I also think that from H's point of view, me "planning" to leave will seem pretty harsh though it is not meant to be.