Never-married men over 40

[Mr Scorpio]

My logic is that for a man who really prioritizes marriage and commitment and respects women, it should be easy for him to settle down with a mate, and before age 40.

 

 

I find it hard to believe -- given your number of posts on this site -- that you haven't run across a handful of threads that would bely your logic. There are folks who can't get dates period, much less easily and with someone with whom they want to spend the rest of their lives.

[iiiii]

I can't see why it matters whether a guy over 40 has been married or not.

 

I think some guys, like some women, just don't get married because they haven't found the right woman and don't want to settle - I don't see a problem with that, so long as the rest of his life is together.

 

Certainly, I can't see how that is worse than being married then getting divorced.

[tim_tom]

So when I set age parameters for searches on the online dating site I'm on, I find myself balking at never-married men who are 40-ish and older. I am 37, also never married, so it is fitting that I would look for men who are around this age.

 

But I hesitate to put much interest in a never-married 40-ish man, because I fear there is some negative reason why they never married. My logic is that for a man who really prioritizes marriage and commitment and respects women, it should be easy for him to settle down with a mate, and before age 40. A man who is 42 or so and never married, I fear, either really isn't keen on commitment no matter what he SAYS he wants, or is a narcissist, or doesn't really like/respect women (or a combination of the three).

 

I know if I put it out there I could get younger guys than me. At work and out in the world, I am often assumed to be in my mid/late twenties, and I routinely get asked out by guys in their twenties/early thirties. I also act younger in that I am very exuberant, with a strong sense of wonder, and that combined with my looks gets me mistaken for about a decade younger.

 

I don't think the same could be said of a woman in her late thirties who is still unmarried. The ratio of women who want commitment and marriage to similarly-aged men who don't is very high. Men who want commitment and marriage can have their pick; women, not so much.

 

Am I wrong to think this about men around/over 40?

 

That is interesting, I would think most women would want a man who is "baggage free" so to speak. Although, I guess by this age everyone has baggage just maybe not an ex-spouse/kids.

 

As for me, being a 39 yo with 2 kids and an ex wife, I am constantly told I need to find a single mother who understands the deal. Seems limiting though, mostly I just want a deep connection with someone regardless of their position. I figure out the rest can be worked out as long as the love is there (although i was just burned on that plan as my gf of 18 months told me she hated that i have kids and hated that I have an ex-wife as she broke up with me... sigh)

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well some men take time to feel comfy dating and such.

 

I am sort of odd in starting out. Took til I was 30 to get into a relationship.

 

Things just fell in place, whether they were good or bad. I always felt old fashioned in how to go about things. Trying to be what women expect in modern relationships, I gave up on some beliefs when I shouldn't. So if anything my relationships were learning experiences about the wrong women, and slowly brought my old beliefs back to me in full circle.

 

Even though I made it through some of the worst ordeals I have not let it damage me in anyway. So about married or unmarried men, you should be able to hold strong to your beliefs and allow who ever you meet to show their true self even if your beliefs may be taking time and being careful. A true man will attempt when others give up.

[Imported]

Well OP, there is a lot to be said about never married women over 30 as well. Especially if they're attractive. And if they're over 35..........its much worse. 10x worse. But I'm not judging

 

Although your talk about being mistaken for younger than you are,......that doesn't sound narcissist at all. Not even a little bit. When I was younger though, I did mess around with older attractive women. Pumped up their ego, got awesume blowjobs. It was very easy because they wanted to hear what I was saying about them. That they still looked good, why...they even looked better than the younger girls.

Edited September 1, 2014 by Imported
I lied. I am judging you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well of course you have the right to be skeptical, just look at any OLD site and you'll see droves of women "Looking for something serious/long-term"...it's no secret that women are often looking for commitment more often than not which means there's clearly plenty of options for men looking to settle down in a heartbeat.

 

I don't know how people can argue every damn little thing or call everything a "sweeping generalization" when it's the damn truth...generally. Unless of course you're trying to defend yourself or someone else in a similar situation that you know.

 

So if a guy isn't married by the time he's 40, you've got to ask yourself why? and with so many women seeking commitment and so many guys making a run for the next best thing, you'd be wise to be a bit intrigued to say the least, over the fact a man has made it to 40 without a serious long-term commitment or marriage in his history.

 

So IMO you're going to have two sets of groups;

 

A) the guys not getting married because they were holding out for the next best thing or top of the top of near perfection/making other priorities in his life first (which can mean many different things) but is a desirable guy

 

B) the guys who have a harder time with women in general and never really had much an opportunity to even acquire something long-lasting with the women they were interested in; basically less desirable

 

It doesn't say a lot about women in the same way at all IMO, women are often times IME looking for something long-lasting and long-term, I don't know what other planet people are living on where this works differently and women just want to run the town avoiding commitment left and right while men jump at their feet just trying to hold them still...but if you come from lala land let me know and I'll book a flight to visit asap, because this is headline news in my world.

 

So I'd assume more likely that women over 30 or 40 that are unmarried are more likely to have not been married because of the reluctance of a man...especially if she's actually looking to get married the entire time. So unless she was the one that didn't want to get married then I'd be a bit surprised if a woman spent a considerable amount of time in a relationship with a man but actually dumped her over marriage...that wouldn't be unheard of, but it would be a bit odd.

 

So yes, OP...I know LS can often be planet weird, where we push the minority agenda to make it feel and seem bigger than it actually is in the real world...but yes, your assumptions and cautious approach are justified.

[Mister Zen]

Well of course you have the right to be skeptical, just look at any OLD site and you'll see droves of women "Looking for something serious/long-term"...it's no secret that women are often looking for commitment more often than not which means there's clearly plenty of options for men looking to settle down in a heartbeat.

 

I don't know how people can argue every damn little thing or call everything a "sweeping generalization" when it's the damn truth...generally. Unless of course you're trying to defend yourself or someone else in a similar situation that you know.

 

So if a guy isn't married by the time he's 40, you've got to ask yourself why? and with so many women seeking commitment and so many guys making a run for the next best thing, you'd be wise to be a bit intrigued to say the least, over the fact a man has made it to 40 without a serious long-term commitment or marriage in his history.

 

So IMO you're going to have two sets of groups;

 

A) the guys not getting married because they were holding out for the next best thing or top of the top of near perfection/making other priorities in his life first (which can mean many different things) but is a desirable guy

 

B) the guys who have a harder time with women in general and never really had much an opportunity to even acquire something long-lasting with the women they were interested in; basically less desirable

 

It doesn't say a lot about women in the same way at all IMO, women are often times IME looking for something long-lasting and long-term, I don't know what other planet people are living on where this works differently and women just want to run the town avoiding commitment left and right while men jump at their feet just trying to hold them still...but if you come from lala land let me know and I'll book a flight to visit asap, because this is headline news in my world.

 

So I'd assume more likely that women over 30 or 40 that are unmarried are more likely to have not been married because of the reluctance of a man...especially if she's actually looking to get married the entire time. So unless she was the one that didn't want to get married then I'd be a bit surprised if a woman spent a considerable amount of time in a relationship with a man but actually dumped her over marriage...that wouldn't be unheard of, but it would be a bit odd.

 

So yes, OP...I know LS can often be planet weird, where we push the minority agenda to make it feel and seem bigger than it actually is in the real world...but yes, your assumptions and cautious approach are justified.

 

This entire post is BS and the only one living in "lala land" is you.

 

You are saying if a man can't find love there is something wrong with him, but if a woman can't find love she is a victim. So women are never flawed? Just men?

 

What you're basically saying is everything is the man's fault and nothing is the woman's fault. In reality, a long-term single woman can be just as flawed as a long-term single man. This idea in your head that all women are perfect and only single because they are victims of bad relationships is absurd.

 

Also, this idea in your head that all women want to settle down and all men want to play around is ignorant. You watch too much TV. People are diverse and what is between your legs doesn't dictate your values.

 

Try again.

[Darren2013]

I would lie about being married before if I wasn't married by 40.

[Buck Turgidson]

I'm kind of curious how a formerly married man has demonstrated a desire for commitment. Seems to me that a broken commitment doesn't really do that, does it? I mean... call me crazy.

[SoleMate]

I hesitate to put much interest in a never-married 40-ish man, because I fear there is some negative reason why they never married......a man who really prioritizes marriage and commitment and respects women, it should be easy for him to settle down with a mate, and before age 40......

This may have some tendency to truth, if you're characterizing populations. HOWEVER.....in dating, you are seeking an individual, not simply a member of a population. I wouldn't exclude someone on a weak indicator of unsuitability like this, unless it is essential for you to reduce the number of contacts you're seeking. In that case, arbitrary filtering that will likely exclude acceptable possibilities isn't a big problem.

 

But generally, I think this arbitrary filtering based on assumptions isn't a good idea if you are truly interested in finding a mate. Again, you're looking for 1 INDIVIDUAL.

[Imported]

I'm kind of curious how a formerly married man has demonstrated a desire for commitment. Seems to me that a broken commitment doesn't really do that, does it? I mean... call me crazy.

 

You know what they say about single mothers.....they're DTF. Even if they end up having a huge repsonsibility for the rest of their life starting at a probably young age and with little to no help promised to them from the person/s they ****.

 

Same can be said for guys that married young and then divorced. They got bills to pay. Like alimony. Their retirement? She's gonna get a part of it. They probably didn't really think about it. I have three friends right now going through divorce. It was a shock. I always thought they were happily married. Biggest regret of their life and you think they want to do it again OP?

 

Marriage concerns me a lot. But I am still looking for the right girl and not to just get married.

 

Are there things wrong with me?

 

I have no doubt there are a lot of things wrong with me. She's just going to have to accept that and not run away screaming 'red flags'!

[MoreCoffee]

Well, if the generalization works for you, so be it.

[Zapbasket]

This may have some tendency to truth, if you're characterizing populations. HOWEVER.....in dating, you are seeking an individual, not simply a member of a population. I wouldn't exclude someone on a weak indicator of unsuitability like this, unless it is essential for you to reduce the number of contacts you're seeking. In that case, arbitrary filtering that will likely exclude acceptable possibilities isn't a big problem.

 

But generally, I think this arbitrary filtering based on assumptions isn't a good idea if you are truly interested in finding a mate. Again, you're looking for 1 INDIVIDUAL.

 

I agree but...isn't online dating structured around arbitrary filtering? You have such quick access to so many people, it makes sense that at least THERE you'd search within a narrow scope of preferences. Out in the world, if I bump into someone interesting, I'm much more likely to overlook preferences at first if there is a chemistry.

 

I did, after all, date a 49-year-old never-married, never-had-a-relationship-last-beyond-3-years man for over a year when I was 31 and WAY more idealistic than I am now. I met him at an academic conference and thought he was 10 years younger than he was. We both balked when the fact of his age came out into the open, but by then I was interested and chose to look past it.

 

He, like people on this thread, gave that whole, "I didn't want to settle" excuse when I asked him why he--a charming, successful, smart, creative, good-looking man--had never had a committed relationship. Turns out he was critical, narcissistic, and believed he was entitled to perfection and that's what he meant by not wanting to "settle." He was no prize, let me assure you.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This entire post is BS and the only one living in "lala land" is you.

 

Oh, how I wish LS had a live bar where we could all meet in person when it comes to "complex" conversations like this, where I could debone this conversation like a fish and straighten it all out, so it all makes sense in the end.

 

So many things to say, to ask, to articulate, to explain...many myths to debunk and excuses to obliterate with the truth.

 

Hell, I reckon I'd be as a giddy as a hill billy going crocodile night hunting...because this forum is anything but transparent, giving people the time and luxury, not necessarily to represent true selves and opinions in a transparent light but instead of how they wish to be perceived.

 

Because anyone could say anything they want in black text on a screen.

 

You are saying if a man can't find love there is something wrong with him, but if a woman can't find love she is a victim. So women are never flawed? Just men?

 

If a man can't find love then what is he finding? this is where I'd have to get into the background of the guy, figure out how he in particular thinks.

 

See you're here arguing a point on the behalf of yourself, not just men in general. I talk about men in general terms because it's a compilation of a wide variety of experiences and interaction with men, as well as being one myself which kind of negates the opportunity that you could convince me of something that a woman would believe but a man would simply smirk at...think of it as a survival guide to what you will likely encounter, not the encyclopedia or bible of man.

 

I know that there are men out there that have had a hard time, I've known these guys myself. And I never ever would say that women are not flawed, you obviously haven't heard my opinions on women, I'm not here to bash women or men in particular actually, I'm just here to tell it like it is and sometimes the pendulum swings a different way depending on the conversation but I don't have an allegiance to either sex...and if you are having that much of a problem finding "love" then yes, I'd say unfortunately you are missing the mark for a lot of women, of what commitment material at least is.

 

I think the arguments that men make about not finding love or "the one" are way too convenient for men, and something women should be highly speculative about...because it's just too easy to gloss over a lot of their personal issues...and it's a very convenient scapegoat, one that funny enough is believed by many women regardless of merit.

 

It's as common as the guy who can't love again because some damsel shattered yer heart...that's another convenient one that's used to avoid any kind of long term or emotional commitment. You ever think to yourself if that's something some men are just comfortable having? that kind of problem hmmm?

 

What you're basically saying is everything is the man's fault and nothing is the woman's fault. In reality, a long-term single woman can be just as flawed as a long-term single man. This idea in your head that all women are perfect and only single because they are victims of bad relationships is absurd.

 

I'm talking about marriage and long-term commitments more relevantly, I know how a lot of men are and exactly how they think, I've got bat radar and I could snatch their BS out of the pitch dark like insects...and personally If I desired to, I could go out and get married within a very short time if I wanted to, I know the options are out there and not just for me, and the convenient excuse again is not because I haven't found the right girl, I've met a lot of great women who were long-term material but I'm honest at least, I wasn't ready for it...hell, even ask the average guy what the "right girl" is and see if he can even answer the question with any believability and then ask them once they answer it if they haven't met a girl like that...see that's the other problem, women don't know how to ask men good questions, but I do...and more importantly, as a man, I could tell if you're lying.

 

Women are far from perfect, and so are men, I'm actually surprised we can maintain the human population with such minimal standards in mates and/or have the intelligence to even manage to operate a toilet at the same time based on what I've seen out there. But guess what, low self-esteem, depression, self-loathing, loneliness, fear, cultural/family influences and an assortment of other issues or personal problems are all prevalent on this planet, that all influences peoples choices, all the emotions that people have running through them have an impact.

 

Which begs the question again...why hasn't HE committed, yet? Of course women have these issues and you can ask the same question, but I'd be more keen on asking women different questions than I'd ask men that's for sure.

 

What I'm saying is regardless, women by nature tend to be more wired for stability and security, so therefore they are more prone to be attracted to marriage. Science doesn't say men and women operate in the same way, and neither do I. I'm not like a religious person when it comes to facts, I don't just muddy them and twist them to accommodate my particular point of view then conveniently filter out the rest...if what you say makes sense and adds up, I'll listen...but I'll also ask you some pretty damn hard questions for you to answer.

 

Also, this idea in your head that all women want to settle down and all men want to play around is ignorant. You watch too much TV. People are diverse and what is between your legs doesn't dictate your values.

 

Try again.

 

Never watch TV actually, maybe you can tell me what good shows are on? actually I only like watching sports and documentaries and rather go to the movies than watch one at home.

 

I for one am not seeing the "diversity" so many talk about, I see a very common pattern wherever I go, and I'm a social enough guy to have these conversations on a regular basis with people I've never met in my life...to me it's like the code of the matrix, it's just a series of numbers repeating itself in an adjacent line.

 

But hey, I'm actually not in the US at the moment...would you like to recommend a country I should visit for a particular different perspective? I'm open to options, I enjoy interacting with people from different cultures...but no matter where I go and who I talk to, I keep finding human beings underneath...damnit.

[Zapbasket]

I'm kind of curious how a formerly married man has demonstrated a desire for commitment. Seems to me that a broken commitment doesn't really do that, does it? I mean... call me crazy.

 

Well, at least he got himself to walk the aisle with someone ONCE. Many guys never can even get to that point. Also, if a guy said, "Oh, yeah, I had a relationship last eight years, so I AM capable of commitment," I'd be curious what the woman's point of view was on that relationship--did she get dragged along all those years believing a firmer commitment was in the works, only to be summarily dumped when she pushed for something more?

 

I'm sorry if this rankles some people, but this does happen a lot, and yes, to women more than to men.

[Zapbasket]

Well OP, there is a lot to be said about never married women over 30 as well. Especially if they're attractive. And if they're over 35..........its much worse. 10x worse. But I'm not judging

 

Although your talk about being mistaken for younger than you are,......that doesn't sound narcissist at all. Not even a little bit. When I was younger though, I did mess around with older attractive women. Pumped up their ego, got awesume blowjobs. It was very easy because they wanted to hear what I was saying about them. That they still looked good, why...they even looked better than the younger girls.

 

That's right--it's not narcissistic, because it is the truth. It's not all a positive, either--at work I am thought to be much younger and therefore much less experienced than I am. People talk down to me until they actually see my resume. And then when I tell them how old I am, their whole demeanor changes and I actually get some respect.

 

It's just a fact that I don't have any wrinkles yet, because I have genes for great skin from my mother and grandmother.

 

And I don't know anyone in my social circle who would blow guys just because they paid her false compliments about how great she looks despite her age.

[Woggle]

A lot of women have the never settle mentality so what is so wrong with a man having it? George Clooney had it and he met the one. If I weren't married to my wife I would probably be single and happy. Marriage is a huge investment and to me only worth it if you meet somebody who makes it worth it.

[Mister Zen]

 

I know that there are men out there that have had a hard time, I've known these guys myself. And I never ever would say that women are not flawed, you obviously haven't heard my opinions on women, I'm not here to bash women or men in particular actually, I'm just here to tell it like it is and sometimes the pendulum swings a different way depending on the conversation but I don't have an allegiance to either sex...and if you are having that much of a problem finding "love" then yes, I'd say unfortunately you are missing the mark for a lot of women, of what commitment material at least is.

 

And maybe women who can't find commitment are "missing the mark" for a lot of men. Why do you apply this judgement only to one side?

 

I think the arguments that men make about not finding love or "the one" are way too convenient for men, and something women should be highly speculative about...

 

It's as common as the guy who can't love again because some damsel shattered yer heart...that's another convenient one that's used to avoid any kind of long term or emotional commitment. You ever think to yourself if that's something some men are just comfortable having? that kind of problem hmmm?

 

Both sides make excuses. So why are men's excuses invalid while women's excuses are valid?

 

 

Which begs the question again...why hasn't HE committed, yet? Of course women have these issues and you can ask the same question, but I'd be more keen on asking women different questions than I'd ask men that's for sure.

 

What I'm saying is regardless, women by nature tend to be more wired for stability and security, so therefore they are more prone to be attracted to marriage. Science doesn't say men and women operate in the same way, and neither do I.

 

Well if men are not as "wired" for commitment as women.. why do we consider men who don't commit flawed? Aren't they just going with their natural wiring?

 

Nice try using science to justify stereotypes though.

 

 

I for one am not seeing the "diversity" so many talk about, I see a very common pattern wherever I go, and I'm a social enough guy to have these conversations on a regular basis with people I've never met in my life...to me it's like the code of the matrix, it's just a series of numbers repeating itself in an adjacent line.

 

Just because YOU don't see something that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The world is bigger than your personal experiences. And maybe you just see what you want to see.

[Zapbasket]

Oh, how I wish LS had a live bar where we could all meet in person when it comes to "complex" conversations like this, where I could debone this conversation like a fish and straighten it all out, so it all makes sense in the end.

 

So many things to say, to ask, to articulate, to explain...many myths to debunk and excuses to obliterate with the truth.

 

Hell, I reckon I'd be as a giddy as a hill billy going crocodile night hunting...because this forum is anything but transparent, giving people the time and luxury, not necessarily to represent true selves and opinions in a transparent light but instead of how they wish to be perceived.

 

Because anyone could say anything they want in black text on a screen.

 

 

 

If a man can't find love then what is he finding? this is where I'd have to get into the background of the guy, figure out how he in particular thinks.

 

See you're here arguing a point on the behalf of yourself, not just men in general. I talk about men in general terms because it's a compilation of a wide variety of experiences and interaction with men, as well as being one myself which kind of negates the opportunity that you could convince me of something that a woman would believe but a man would simply smirk at...think of it as a survival guide to what you will likely encounter, not the encyclopedia or bible of man.

 

I know that there are men out there that have had a hard time, I've known these guys myself. And I never ever would say that women are not flawed, you obviously haven't heard my opinions on women, I'm not here to bash women or men in particular actually, I'm just here to tell it like it is and sometimes the pendulum swings a different way depending on the conversation but I don't have an allegiance to either sex...and if you are having that much of a problem finding "love" then yes, I'd say unfortunately you are missing the mark for a lot of women, of what commitment material at least is.

 

I think the arguments that men make about not finding love or "the one" are way too convenient for men, and something women should be highly speculative about...because it's just too easy to gloss over a lot of their personal issues...and it's a very convenient scapegoat, one that funny enough is believed by many women regardless of merit.

 

It's as common as the guy who can't love again because some damsel shattered yer heart...that's another convenient one that's used to avoid any kind of long term or emotional commitment. You ever think to yourself if that's something some men are just comfortable having? that kind of problem hmmm?

 

 

 

I'm talking about marriage and long-term commitments more relevantly, I know how a lot of men are and exactly how they think, I've got bat radar and I could snatch their BS out of the pitch dark like insects...and personally If I desired to, I could go out and get married within a very short time if I wanted to, I know the options are out there and not just for me, and the convenient excuse again is not because I haven't found the right girl, I've met a lot of great women who were long-term material but I'm honest at least, I wasn't ready for it...hell, even ask the average guy what the "right girl" is and see if he can even answer the question with any believability and then ask them once they answer it if they haven't met a girl like that...see that's the other problem, women don't know how to ask men good questions, but I do...and more importantly, as a man, I could tell if you're lying.

 

Women are far from perfect, and so are men, I'm actually surprised we can maintain the human population with such minimal standards in mates and/or have the intelligence to even manage to operate a toilet at the same time based on what I've seen out there. But guess what, low self-esteem, depression, self-loathing, loneliness, fear, cultural/family influences and an assortment of other issues or personal problems are all prevalent on this planet, that all influences peoples choices, all the emotions that people have running through them have an impact.

 

Which begs the question again...why hasn't HE committed, yet? Of course women have these issues and you can ask the same question, but I'd be more keen on asking women different questions than I'd ask men that's for sure.

 

What I'm saying is regardless, women by nature tend to be more wired for stability and security, so therefore they are more prone to be attracted to marriage. Science doesn't say men and women operate in the same way, and neither do I. I'm not like a religious person when it comes to facts, I don't just muddy them and twist them to accommodate my particular point of view then conveniently filter out the rest...if what you say makes sense and adds up, I'll listen...but I'll also ask you some pretty damn hard questions for you to answer.

 

 

 

Never watch TV actually, maybe you can tell me what good shows are on? actually I only like watching sports and documentaries and rather go to the movies than watch one at home.

 

I for one am not seeing the "diversity" so many talk about, I see a very common pattern wherever I go, and I'm a social enough guy to have these conversations on a regular basis with people I've never met in my life...to me it's like the code of the matrix, it's just a series of numbers repeating itself in an adjacent line.

 

But hey, I'm actually not in the US at the moment...would you like to recommend a country I should visit for a particular different perspective? I'm open to options, I enjoy interacting with people from different cultures...but no matter where I go and who I talk to, I keep finding human beings underneath...damnit.

 

Ninja, you make great sense, especially the stuff I bolded. That was what I was getting at in the first place. I'm so tired of excuses and douches online who dress like a dude in his early 20s when he has white whiskers and general scruff and I'm supposed to believe this 47-y/o prize is really looking for a commitment. I mean, COME ON!!!

 

So if I may, I'd like to get down to business, with your help: You say women don't know how to ask men good questions. So, what are the good questions to ask? I'm sitting at your feet, eager to learn. No sh*t. I've been WAAAY TOO NICE thus far in my dating life, I'm asking hard questions of myself...and I'm ready to start asking hard questions to dating prospects, as well. If they don't like it, then they're not for me and that's just FINE. So: what are the good questions that every woman serious about finding a good long-term partner should ask a man?

[carhill]

My logic is that for a man who really prioritizes marriage and commitment and respects women, it should be easy for him to settle down with a mate, and before age 40. A man who is 42 or so and never married, I fear, either really isn't keen on commitment no matter what he SAYS he wants, or is a narcissist, or doesn't really like/respect women (or a combination of the three).<snip>Am I wrong to think this about men around/over 40?

 

IMO, hard to generalize but could certainly be true of some men. IME, samples are few and far between. My exW and I met when I was not quite 40 and we didn't get married until I was 41 so I'm a bit outside of the group. My main problem was finding someone with a compatible relationship style, as well as meeting single women. I dated a lot of single/divorced mothers over the decades and the interactions were simply a miss, I think more because of my sexual and relationship styles being out of sync with my generation and demographic.

 

My only other anecdote is a good friend who's now 53 and still unmarried and, like myself, he has a somewhat outlier relationship style, as well as being strongly religious, but I think he's also more picky than I was, which he could/can be because he's better looking and more successful. He's about ten days younger than George Clooney and actually looks a lot like him, though George is a couple inches taller. No problems with family or friends and has a wide social circle and socializes as is typical for his demographic.

 

IMO, he and I both missed out because we were to rigid in our morals at a young age when other young men were getting laid and getting their girlfriends pregnant and getting married at 18-20, like most of my other friends, some of whom are great grandparents at this juncture. We snoozed and we lost. Nothing more complicated than that. Lack of available women perpetuated that loss. I had to range out into LDR territory to find a potential mate. My friend isn't interested in that stuff.

 

IMO, we're both still too constrained by too many 'rules' for our demographic. It's quite common for men to date married women who aren't happy in their M's and those turn into new relationships without the woman ever really being single. With our 'rules', we don't do that, knowingly anyway, so the woman is snapped up by another guy who doesn't care about rules or decorum. That's just how it works.

 

I would never generalize these very narrow experiences into wider meaning because people and relationships and demographics are simply too varied. Also, men see different sides of men than women do and, hence, a woman will often have a completely different viewpoint on any particular man, regarding his personality and relationship style, so will likely view an older unmarried man completely differently than another man would. I think, based on what I've heard, the quote above, "believed he was entitled to perfection and that's what he meant by not wanting to "settle." could be reflective of some of the women's opinions I've heard regarding my older unmarried friend. He is pretty rigid and unyielding, though not in a mean or denigrating way. He has what he has and wants what he wants and generally isn't willing to compromise.

 

I don't have any dogs in the fight anymore but, honestly, I'd probably also be a bit leery of a never-married guy in his 40's or 50's, presuming he's hetero. It's simply out of synch enough with our generation to bear scrutiny.

[Mister Zen]

 

What I'm saying is regardless, women by nature tend to be more wired for stability and security, so therefore they are more prone to be attracted to marriage. Science doesn't say men and women operate in the same way, and neither do I. I'm not like a religious person when it comes to facts, I don't just muddy them and twist them to accommodate my particular point of view then conveniently filter out the rest...if what you say makes sense and adds up, I'll listen...but I'll also ask you some pretty damn hard questions for you to answer.

 

 

Oh.. and one more thing. If your claims are correct that women are more inclined towards commitment.. why then are the vast majority of divorces initiated by women?

[Woggle]

Not generalizing all women because there are many who are loyal wives but if women are so wired for commitment why does that not seem to apply after the marriage? Why are walkaway wives so common these days. Is it really better to break up a marriage out of the blue with possible kids involved than to not marry at all?

[Zapbasket]

 

I don't have any dogs in the fight anymore but, honestly, I'd probably also be a bit leery of a never-married guy in his 40's or 50's, presuming he's hetero. It's simply out of synch enough with our generation to bear scrutiny.

 

Thanks, Carhill, for such a thoughtful and thought-provoking post.

 

I'll ask you the same question I asked Ninjapajamas--how should I go about this "scrutiny" of 40-something guys online and IRL? What are flags to look for (the less obvious ones), and what are fair and potentially informative questions to ask?

 

My main relationship mistake that has led me to be 37 and still unmarried is spending far too long with the wrong guys, thinking they'll change. Hence this thread as I want to be much, much more proactive in weeding out guys who don't want what I want, or aren't ready for it, or are too psychologically tangled up to be able to achieve it even if they "want" it.

[Zapbasket]

Oh.. and one more thing. If your claims are correct that women are more inclined towards commitment.. why then are the vast majority of divorces initiated by women?

 

Just typing the first thing that came to mind:

 

Maybe because they're tired of emotionally stunted men who put in minimal effort to keeping the relationship healthy and alive.

 

There are a lot of women out there who suck, too, when it comes to having the integrity to follow through with a commitment.

 

This thread never was meant to be a man-versus-woman thing. It just happened that I am a woman, looking into a vast pool of single men and because I really do want a committed long-term partner with whom to share a joyous, adventurous life and to create a loving family, I really want some guidance. Especially because I have been pretty burned in my relationships, believing there to be more commitment than there actually was and putting far more effort into upholding the relationship than the other person. I was loyal to a fault, because in my behavior I loved the other person more than myself.

 

No more.

[sid3]

Eharmony is supposedly tailored to marriage minded people. I'd imagine church would be a place to go as well to find a husband.